JACOB BLACK: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: I don't own JACOB BLACK or any of the other cute but goofy werewolves in his pack. But... if you're lucky, he can be all yours, today!
A/N: Theresa Green made this famous and I'm just borrowing the idea respectfully.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You should now be the very proud owner of your own cuddly JACOB BLACK unit! To ensure that the muscular, very tall, very thick (ahem) werewolf lives to the best of his ability, we have a guide all set up (aren't we wonderful?) to make sure that you don't go wrong and how to fix things if you do.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Family Name: Black (pronounced: Bl-ak)
Given Name: Jacob (pronounced: Jay-Cob and not 'Jah-cob'. You may think you're being funny but the JACOB BLACK unit will look at you with utter contempt.)
Name Variations: Jake, The Alpha, The Beta (warning: only use this one if you happen to be a brunette, obsessed with a certain bronzed-headed vampire and incredibly clumsy), Pup (not recommended unless you enjoy being gutted by canines).
Can be programmed to respond to: Puppy Love, Big Boy (ahem), Jakers, Good Dog.
Date of Manufacture: January 14th 1990
Place of Manufacture: Forks, La Push
Height: Six (6) feet, seven (7) inches
Weight: Off the scales. We didn't dare weigh him. Do so at your own peril.
Default Age Setting: Sixteen (16) and three-quarters (3/4)
Length: Long, thick and incredibly hard-muscled... (take it in whichever way you see fit)
ACCESSORIES
Okay, so now you're wondering why we packaged the JACOB BLACK unit with so little accessories? Well, it isn't the fault of the company (it never is...) but wholly the fault of the JACOB BLACK unit and Stephenie Meyer, his manufacturer. So what you receive in your JACOB BLACK unit's box is what you are meant to get.
1 x Tight black t-shirt
1 x Baggy khaki shorts
A pair of sneakers
1 x small string bag (where else is the JACOB BLACK unit going to put his discarded clothes once he shifts form?)
A pair of I'm-super-cool sunglasses for those sunnier days (rare if you live on the Olympic Peninsula)
1 x Extra, Extra, Extra large Flea Collar (yes, those mites aren't afraid to attack even crazy werewolves like the JACOB BLACK unit)
Note: You can also purchase extras to ensure your JACOB BLACK unit's complete happiness. If you go onto our website you can find such items as the Motorbike-that-I-totally-fixed-myself, Doggy grooming brushes and Shrine of Bella Swan (because she'll never be a 'Cullen' in his puppy dog eyes)
OPERATIONAL FUNCTIONS
Well originally, the JACOB BLACK unit's job was to protect his territory (La Push) from the 'Cold Ones'. However, if you are sure you don't live close to any certain granite-skinned, beautiful weirdos, you are free to give your JACOB BLACK unit any job you want him to do. But, since we are so very kind, we are going to give you some ideas:
1) Circus Freak - Do you want to be known worldwide as the person who has a boy that turns into a wolf? Send your JACOB BLACK unit to the circus today! You'll make money and see your big boy (ahem) performing tricks that will have Greenpeace quaking in their non-leather boots. (Warning: If after doing this your JACOB BLACK unit hates you for life or mysteriously disappears, we suggest you hide. Preferably on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Yeah, don't say we didn't warn you)
2) Selenologist - Okay, so your JACOB BLACK unit is obsessed with the moon anyways, right? So why don't you take that to your advantage and make him a selentologist? That way, you're earning BIG bucks and your JACOB BLACK unit is doing something he enjoys. (Warning: Since your JACOB BLACK unit is only really interested in the moon in his wolf form, we suggest that he always works alone while studying it. We will not refund any injured JACOB BLACK units that have been shot by scared little human men.)
3) Mechanic - Well, your JACOB BLACK unit enjoys working on cars in his spare time, doesn't he? So why don't you make that into a career for him? This way, he is doing something he enjoys and you'll get to watch him grunting under cars in just a pair of well-fitting shorts... (Warning: If anyone around notices that your JACOB BLACK unit is able to hold cars up without a carjack, we suggest you dispose of these people quickly, lest you enjoy having your JACOB BLACK unit's life in danger from any tattle-tales. Of course, if you happen to get caught by the cops, it's your own fault. After all, we didn't specify on how to get rid of these people...)
Of course, if you prefer to have your JACOB BLACK unit wandering your house all day (human-form only is recommended for this task), you are free to do that too. However, we are not responsible for any houses that get destroyed while your JACOB BLACK unit is inside in wolf-form, nor for any families starving to death because their JACOB BLACK unit has devoured all their food.
CLEANING
In Wolf-form, your JACOB BLACK unit keeps himself fairly clean. However, in human-form, he might need a little help (yes, you can stop squealing now fan girls...) We suggest an extra-long (ahem) tub be installed for your JACOB BLACK unit's personal use. However, if you want to bathe your JACOB BLACK unit in Wolf-form, we suggest a HUGE (ahem) tub in the garden and in the garden only. Once you manage to get your JACOB BLACK unit into it (promises of treats always work well), soap his lovely russet fur down with regular doggy shampoo. (Warning: Any owners drowned as the JACOB BLACK unit playfully pulls them into the tub is not of our concern. Nor are we refunding any owners who's JACOB BLACK units disappear when the words 'bath time' are mentioned.)
PRECAUTIONS
As an owner of the JACOB BLACK unit, there is not too much to worry about when it comes to protecting your lovable, fun-loving werewolf from harm. However, if you live close to any granite-skinned, red-eyed strangers, we suggest that you keep your JACOB BLACK unit in sight at all times. In human-form, the JACOB BLACK unit is more susceptible to injury but don't worry, he fixes pretty quickly. (Warning: there is one thing that your JACOB BLACK unit isn't safe from: Heartbreak). Therefore, if you happen to live close to any clumsy brunettes, we reckon you try and keep the two of them away (of course try being the operative word - have you ever managed to stop a determined werewolf from getting what he wants?) because your JACOB BLACK unit will only end up having his little heart smashed into tiny pieces as the BELLA SWAN unit tells him that she "does love him but just not enough."
Oh and if you do have a BELLA SWAN and EDWARD CULLEN unit living close by, we advise you strongly that your JACOB BLACK unit never, ever, ever sets eyes on their offspring, Miss Renesmee 'who-said-daddy's-sperm-wasn't-strong-enough?' Cullen. Your JACOB BLACK unit will imprint on her and they will never stop loving each other. Bad news for the fan girls of course... but don't say we didn't warn you.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: There is a CULLEN family unit living next door and now my JACOB BLACK unit stays constantly in wolf-form and doesn't leave the border between my land and theirs. How do I get him to stop?
A: We suggest you do one of two things. 1) Try and explain to your JACOB BLACK unit that the CULLEN family unit means no harm (of course, we are not really including the ROSALIE HALE unit in this but to be honest, your JACOB BLACK unit could probably kill her with terrible blonde jokes anyways). 2) Tell the cops that you have a vampire family living next door and they should leave pretty swiftly. (Warning: the latter is not recommended since the CULLENS may come back in the night and kill you brutally for your sins)
Q: My JACOB BLACK unit comes home only once a month! The rest of the time he says he is spending in 'La Push'. What does he mean by this and how do I get him to come home more often? (I live in New York)
A: The reason your JACOB BLACK unit keeps going to La Push is because that is where he is originally from! He probably feels he has a duty to see his father the BILLY BLACK unit and his pack the We're-totally-following-Sam-even-though-Jacob-is-the-real-bossman werewolves. There isn't much you can do, we're afraid apart from moving to Forks yourself so that your JACOB BLACK unit will come home to you every night. (Warning: We are not responsible for any owners suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder [SAD] due to the gloomy weather of the Olympic Peninsular).
Q: When I opened the box of my JACOB BLACK unit, I found a tall, pale guy with huge (ahem) muscles and golden eyes. When I called him a 'good dog' he went crazy and threatened to DRINK me! Why does my JACOB BLACK unit look like this and why does he never shift into his wolf-form?
A: Hmm, it looks like the stockers (not us of course, we never make a mistake) have packaged the wrong unit to you. It seems like you've received an EMMETT 'Bearman' CULLEN unit instead. We suggest you get him back into the box (tell him that you're taking him back to ROSALIE HALE and he should go calmly) and send him back, where we will exchange him for a JACOB BLACK unit. If you are entranced by the EMMETT CULLEN unit's dimples and curly hair (you wouldn't be the only one) we suggest you send for an EMMETT CULLEN: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual which will tell you how to look after your lovable non-human hunter perfectly.
Q: My JACOB BLACK unit came back home one night with wild eyes and a frothing mouth (wolf-form). He is also incredibly aggressive and won't listen to anything I say. What is wrong with him?
A: Well, we're sorry to tell you this but... we think you're JACOB BLACK unit might have contracted Rabies. There's nothing much you can do now but make sure he doesn't bite you during this period. If you do plan to get another JACOB BLACK unit from us, we suggest you have him vaccinated against the vicious disease before you let him out into the wild. Or, better still, you can forget about werewolves altogether and purchase an
EDWARD 'god-I'm-gorgeous-but-of-course-I-don't-know-it CULLEN unit, which can't contract any illnesses full stop. (Warning: Don't blame us if your EDWARD CULLEN unit acts aloof and almost-but-not-quite rudely towards you. It just means that your blood smells amazing to him and he is debating whether to brutally slaughter you or not.)
TO CONCLUDE
If you've followed this guide's instructions word for word, we reckon that you'll have many happy years with your JACOB BLACK unit. Of course, remember that he isn't too fond of being teased unless you're the BELLA 'klutzy' CULLEN unit and if he tries to kiss you, we strongly advise you against punching him in a fit of rage. Just enjoy it, you'll get used to the doggy breath eventually...