Should you choose to read this, you will be facing blatant puns, dated humor, slapstick galore--AND--loving it!
Would You Believe Little Girls Are Made Of ...?
By Rob Morris
(We enter the office of The Chief in Control HQ; Sitting with him are agents Maxwell Smart and 99)
Chief: Your assignment is a critical one. We fear that the famed cyberneticist, Doctor Roger Korby, has either died or gone over to KAOS. You two need to find Doctor Korby and if necessary, neutralize him. Yes, Max?
Max: Chief, we'll do as ordered. But neutralize him? I frankly don't see what the Ph Balance of his shampoo has to do with his loyalty.
99: Max--the Chief means that we may have to kill Roger.
Max: Over his shampoo?! I mean, I'm as patriotic as the next man, 99, but I really don't see....
Chief: MAX! I'm not concerned about his shampoo.
Max: Chief, it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. 99--that's why he's the Chief.
(Chief rubs his head)
Chief: 99--did you I hear you call Doctor Korby by his first name?
99: Yes, Chief. We two are kind of--engaged.
Max: Why, 99--you never told me about you being engaged to Doctor Roger Korby.
99: Max?
Max: Yes, 99?
99: I'm engaged to Doctor Roger Korby.
Max: Uh---yes. Chief, will we have secret orders, as well?
Chief: Yes, Max. They are as follows--
Max: uh-uh-uh! Chief, you know the rules and regulations.
Chief: Max--please--not--
Max: The Control Prime Directive clearly states that any and all top-secret orders must be given within The Cone Of Silence.
(Reluctantly, the Chief lowers it)
Chief:
Max:
99:
Chief:
Max:
(Max pulls off his shoe, shakes it like a communicator; Calls the Chief)
(Chief grabs his head again while phone rings)
Max: Gosh, 99--maybe the Chief isn't home.
(99 rolls her eyes while the two leave; Agent Larabee walks in)
Larabee: Chief, look at this map! Russian ships have just crossed The Neutral Zone!
(Chief shakes his head at sight)
Chief: Larabee--we don't HAVE a Neutral Zone.
Larabee: Then just what do you call this division on the map?
Chief: Me? I call it The International Date Line, Larabee. You know, the place where its Tuesday on one side, Wednesday on the other?
Larabee: Hey, I get it, Chief. Its a temporal anomaly!
(As he leaves, Chief begins to openly sob)
(Arriving on the island where Doctor Korby's lab is, Max opens a boiling lobster pot. Agent 13 looks out)
Agent 13: 86--when am I gonna get some real assignments? Last week, I was staking out an experimental warp core.
Max: Well, that doesn't sound so bad, 13.
13: From the inside?!
Max: I'll do what I can, 13. What have you got on Korby?
13: Well, he was incensed that KAOS developed Hymie before our boys did. Said he didn't care who he worked for, but he was gonna build androids that made Hymie look like a Tin Lizzie.
Max: Well that's just rude. Hymie's very sensitive about that kind of thing. And when he gets his neck out of joint--he really gets his neck out of joint!
13: 86, before you go, could you do me a favor?
Max: Of course, 13. Anything.
13: Would you purchase the 'Pick Your Own' Lobster meal, so I can go home?
(Below ground, Max and 99 meet up with Doctor Korby)
Korby: So good to see you again, my dear heart.
Max: Er, thanks. Charmed, I'm sure.
99: Max----
Max: Oh, he meant you--of course. Doctor--did you have a pet name for my fellow agent? Just curious.
Korby: Well, Mister Smart, I firmly believe that no human can ever achieve perfection. But my fiancée' comes closest to that unreachable ideal. She is almost 100% perfect---so I would call her----
Max: Yes?!
Korby: 99.
(Max grumbles a bit under his breath)
99: Roger, why did you lose contact with all of us? With me? We became worried.
(Korby points)
Korby: This is the reason, my dear--meet Andrea.
(Andrea emerges; Max walks over to Korby and speaks quietly)
Max: Not to nitpick, Doctor--but there must have been a better way to break off your engagement.
Korby: Not at all, Mister Smart. Andrea, remove your tunic.
Andrea: But my circuit board may be accessed without doing so.
Korby: Darn! And here I thought I programmed all those objections out.
99: Programmed? Roger, you mean she's an android?
Korby: And she's not the only one. Ruk, come here.
Ruk: Yes, Master Korby?
Korby: Escort my fiancée and Mister Smart to the duplication chamber.I've something to show them.
Max: Wait, Doctor. We sent in two other Control agents before us. Did you see or hear from them?
Korby: I'm afraid they didn't make it, Mister Smart. They fell to their deaths.
99: Roger, are you sure they were our agents? Were they wearing red shirts?
Korby: They were when we found them.
Max: 99, we better call in to The Chief, let him know we arrived.
Korby: I'm afraid I can't permit that, Mister Smart! Ruk--seize them!
(Max makes a fist)
Max: Okay, you mechanical ape----
(Punches Ruk--to no effect)
Max: Uh, Ruk? Look, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the mechanical ape...
(Max awakes later, bound to the duplicator)
Korby: Congratulations, Mister Smart. You're about to help me begin a new phase for humanity.
(The duplicator begins to spin, and Max goes flying out; Frowning, Korby turns to Ruk and Andrea)
Ruk: I will go and retrieve him.
Andrea: Next time, I will buckle him in.
(Korby shakes his head and looks at a horrified 99)
Korby: Its getting so you can't even *make* good help, nowadays!
(Max is strapped firmly into The Duplicator)
Korby: As this spins, Mister Smart, you may experience a little discomfort. But its in a good cause, I assure you.
Max: No need to worry, Doctor. I've been known to withstand the simulated centrifugal force of up to 24 G's. Wouldja believe it? 24G's!
Korby: Mister Smart, even my androids can't take that much.
Max: Wouldja believe--15 G's?
Korby: No, I find that hard to believe.
Max: Wouldja believe the Moon Coaster at Coney Island?
(Max sees a glob on the other side)
Korby: You're about to become Immortal, Mister Smart.
Max: Well, the spy business is a dirty job, Korby. We all of us end up doing some things that some might see as immortal.
Korby: Errrr...when this machine has done its work, the first step in my plan to remake this species will come into effect.
99: So, Roger. All of your grandiose talk was just a front for just another petty, vile scheme to take over the world!
Max: 99! I don't like what's going on here any better than you—but there's no need to get personal.
(The duplicator begins to spin)
Max: Chieff---lets just face it---I'M A LOUSY AGENNNNTTT!!!
(It stops; Max is released and gets out)
99: Oh, Max! I'm so glad you're all right.
Korby: My dear fiancée---it was never my intent to harm Mister Smart. Merely improve him. Now, how about a spot of dinner?
99: I am famished. How about you, Max?
A-Max: Sorry, 99--but androids don't eat-- unless its Pepperoni Pizza night, then maybe I'll make an exception.
(Real Max emerges)
Max: 99, how could you be fooled by that android?
99: But Max, he looks just like you.
(Max points to back of A-Max's jacket)
Max: But 99. My jacket doesn't say: Manufactured by Korby Industries.
(A-Max punches Max in the shoulder)
Max: Oww!
A-Max: I have over ten times your strength, my friend. Wouldja believe it? Ten times your strength.
Max: My shoulder doesn't hurt that badly.
A-Max: Oh--wouldja believe--three times your strength?
Max: No, I don't think so.
A-Max: Errr...Wouldja believe that I've been through a decent workout?
Korby: Smart-2 doesn't need any kind of super-abilities or your memories to do what I intend, Mister Smart.
99: Roger, don't tell me that you plan to send Smart-2 straight into the heart of Control HQ?
Korby: I plan to send Smart-2--straight into the heart of Control HQ!
Max: Hey, buddy--the lady asked you not to tell her that.
99: Roger--I'm afraid that I have no choice but to break off our engagement.
Korby: That's quite all right, my dear. I'll change your mind—by making a new you! Soon, I'll have you disrobe and enter the machine.
99: But Max didn't disrobe.
Korby: Boy, everybody's a stickler, nowadays!
Max: So--you *are* working for KAOS, Doctor.
Korby: Not at all, Mister Smart. We plan to do the same to Mister Siegfried--after we work out some bugs in the design.
99: What sort of bugs?
Korby: Well, we tried making a Siegfried android using just biographical data and a photo--but it didn't work.
Max: So what did you do with the reject?
Korby: Well, he's currently employed as a Ship's Doctor on a major cruise line.
(He leaves, and Ruk stands guard)
Max: Say, Ruk--how did Doctor Korby create you?
Ruk: He did not. I am a product of The Old Ones, an ancient civilization that once inhabited this island. But they had to be destroyed. They left us no choice.
99: Because they had become corrupt, and evil?
Ruk: No. They were just generally cranky and unpleasant to work for.
Max: Talk about a tough union!
(Max whispers to 99)
Max: I--- have a plan. I know a question that will cause Ruk's positronic brain to explode from overload.
99: You mean calculating Pi to the last digit--or the eternal question of 'Why'?
Max: No, our computers cracked those last week. Just back me up.
Ruk: What is it you want?
Max: Just a bit of info, Ruk. Could you tell me why it is that hot dogs come in packs of 8, but hot dog buns only come in packs of 6 or 12?
Ruk: That is simple. To make people buy more of either. But yet---if they were equal, the bun manufacturers would outlay less production capital---aaaaaggghhhhh!!!!
(Ruk runs off and explodes)
99: The old hot dogs and buns condurundum!
Smart: Yes. Its the fifth time I've had to use it this month. Its--never pretty.
(At Control HQ, the Android-Maxwell Smart arrives)
Chief: Max? Where's 99?
A-Max: I'm afraid that we lost her, Chief.
Chief: You're saying that she's dead?
A-Max: Of course. What did you think that I meant?
Chief: Well, with you 86, I couldn't be entirely sure that you didn't just misplace her. Its a tragedy, to be certain. There will never be another like her.
A-Max: I--wouldn't be so certain of that, Chief.
Chief: Did you start on the report about Doctor Korby?
A-Max: Already signed and filed, Chief.
Chief: Oh--really? Well, then. Let's discuss your next assignment. Its beyond Top-Secret. Highest Classification. Lets lower The Cone Of Silence.
A-Max: No need, Chief. The Cone Of Silence is mainly a nuisance. And why don't you give the assignment to someone else? Face It Chief--I'm A Lousy Agent!
(While A-Max is seated, The Chief lowers The Cone Of Silence, and ducks out; A-Max is trapped)
A-Max: Let me guess. You knew because of that phrase Smart implanted in me--right?
Chief: No. Max has put him himself down before. But Agent 86 *never* lets me go through a briefing without using The Cone Of Silence!
A-Max: The old obsessive compulsion that I failed to be programmed with! Its the first time I've ever fallen for that trick--for any trick.
(Larabee walks in as A-Max futilely bangs on the walls of The Cone)
Chief: Larabee--that man is not Maxwell Smart. He is a dangerous android. Do not let him out. Hymie and I are going to Doctor Korby's island to get 99 and Max out.
Larabee: Are you sure you want me doing this? Face it Chief---I'm a lousy agent!
(A moment later, Larabee is also imprisoned in The Cone)
Larabee: Hey--what does motor oil really taste like?
A-Max: Tastes a lot like chicken fat.
Larabee: I'd heard that!
(Back at Korby's island, Max pretends to be A-Max)
Andrea: You have returned. Did your mission succeed?
Max: Yes. Control is destroyed. Are Smart and the woman still alive?
Andrea: For now. Why do you inquire about them?
Max: Errr....I was merely puzzled.
Andrea: By what?
Max: Why would Doctor Korby would prefer that pale, skinny human female to a totally superior, far more attractive android such as yourself?
Andrea: You truly think that I am her superior?
Max: Well, its obvious. Everything about you speaks of our kind's perfection. She's already showing signs of age.
Andrea: But an android will soon be built in her image.
Max: That won't possibly help someone as hopeless as her. But just to be sure-- maybe you better make it clear to Doctor Korby that he should dance with the one he created first!
(Andrea looks confused; Nods)
Andrea: I shall do so.
(99 emerges from hiding)
Max: Was I convincing?
(She slaps him straight across his face)
99: For a moment, even I was convinced.
(Max rubs his cheek as she walks off)
Max: Remind me not to improve my acting skills.
(Andrea confronts Korby)
Andrea: And you call *this* a uniform? Playboy Playmates wear more! For all these years, I've cooked, cleaned, made idle chatter with Ruk, told you what a brilliant scientist you are---aaaggghhh!!!
(She explodes)
99: What happened to her?
Max: She became human, 99. For one moment, she became human, and knew love as we do. The joys of love raised her up--but the pains of love destroyed her.
Korby: Actually, Mister Smart--I activated her self-destruct mechanism.
Max: Oh. Yes, well, that was going to be my next guess.
Korby: I hope you're happy, Mister Smart. You've just taken a perfect master design that would have brought humanity back to paradise—and ruined it!
99: Roger, humanity wasn't meant to waltz quickly back into paradise to the sound of mechanized gears---but to the sound of brass horns, playing in triumph as we ascend slowly.
Max: Brass horns, 99? Why not drums?
99: Oh--drums give me a headache.
(Chief and Hymie burst in)
Chief: Are you two all right?
99: We're fine, Chief.
(Hymie sees Andrea's scattered parts and gears; Picks one up)
Hymie: She must have been quite a looker--before she let herself go like that.
Korby: Ahh, Hymie. I was never able to reach your level of perfection.
Hymie: That is because you chose to use your cybernetic prowess for badness instead of goodness. We androids need humans. Friends can be found, but they cannot be programmed as such.
99: That's very well said, Hymie.
Hymie: Thank you, 99. I got it from an episode of Star Trek. Although I still can't believe they killed off M-5 so quickly. Someday, a TV series will feature a lead character who is a cybernetic. Just not in this generation.
Chief: Well, I'm just glad that you two are alive, and that you captured Doctor Korby.
(Max fires his gun into Korby)
Max: Sorry, Chief. Doctor Korby was never really here. This was just another android.
(Korby is bleeding)
Korby: I'm---not----an--androi----
(Dies; Chief glares and 99 rolls her eyes)
Max: Heh. Sorry about that, Chief.
Hymie: Chief? Did you not leave Larabee imprisoned with the Android Max?
Chief: Oh, Good Lord! That was over 12 hours ago.
99: Could he survive that long?
Chief: The only way off this island is on a cruise ship. We'll have to hope he survives til we can get back.
Max: Uh, Chief?
Chief: Yes, 86?
Max: Did you meet the Ship's Doctor on your way here?
Chief: Now that you mention it, I did. He reminded me of someone—I just couldn't put my finger on it.
99: We'll talk.
(They finally arrive back at Control HQ, 99 gasps at the sight in the Chief's office)
99: Ohhhh--noooo!!!
Hymie: The poor fool. He never stood a chance.
Max: It always hurts the most--when we're simply too late to make a difference.
Chief: Let me deal with this. Its my fault he's gone.
(Raises the Cone)
Larabee: Chief--I don't get it. I was talking about my last family reunion--and then he just fell apart!
(Hymie takes a sobbing Larabee out; We see that A-Max is in pieces; his eyes seem badly glazed, indicating they went before the rest of him did )
99: I guess he wasn't as well constructed as Roger claimed.
Max: It wasn't that, 99. Can you or I even begin to imagine it—being totally alone in the universe--locked inside that thing- -with only Larabee as a companion?
(She shudders)
99: Oh, Max--look at this exotic paperweight The Chief has.
(Max grabs the cube from her)
Max: That's not a paperweight, 99--that was Agent 22, my partner before you. Best not to ask. That's why you were transferred to Control. You know, I keep meaning to take this down to the lab.
(puts it away)
Max: Aaahh....I'll do it on Monday.
(After they leave, 99 comes back and hides the cube in a secret compartment)
99: (Sarcastically) How do you like that, Miss Class Valedictorian?
(Ep ends)
Next Week On Get Smart:
Chief: Max, we have to prove that Hymie is a real Control agent—but you'll have to argue against him, I'm afraid.
(Before The Joint Chiefs)
Max: But Hymie is not a man, he is a machine! Created by a man, maintained by a man, and a man has just shut him off!
(Touches back of Hymie's neck to no effect)
Max: Hymie, why aren't you shutting off?
Hymie: Max--my shut off is located....
( Whispers; Max's eyes go wide )
Max: Well, you can forget about that. I mean, I like you, Hymie—but that's carrying our friendship a bit far!
General: Mister Smart--what is the delay? Conclude your demonstration.
(Max whispers to General; He gulps)
General: We will accept that Mister Hymie can be shut off without further demonstration. Please.
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