Written for thedeejay as she was the 100th reviewer in my story Shards of Shattered Roses.
She requested a oneshot with Jack as the Doctor's companion and somehow, I came up with this
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Your Fault
"This is all your fault, Harkness."
"Hey, come on, Doc, it's not all bad. There are handcuffs involved."
The Doctor didn't even bother replying.
He stared at the classically damp and dreary dungeon walls and sighed.
"You know, this is why I never came back for you. Look what you've got us into," the Doctor retorted, trying to motion around at the dungeon but failing due to the handcuffs around his wrists.
"Don't you reckon I liven things up?" Jack asked.
"I liked it better when it was boring," the Doctor replied.
"Well, technically, Doc, you brought us here, so it's your fault!"
"Yes, well, I wasn't the one who spilt red punch on Gikla on her coronation day now was I?"
"It's not like I split the punch on purpose, Doc. You're twisting my words."
The Doctor just sighed again and turned so his face was to the wall. The handcuffs were biting into his wrists and his shoulders ached as he dangled from the dungeon wall by the chain of the handcuffs. He knew Jack was in a similar state across the dungeon from him, pinned to the wall by his hands with his feet a mere half-metre from the ground. At first, the two had tried to reach the ground with the tips of their toes but they weren't tall enough to. They had given up to let their shoulders ache some time ago.
The Doctor had taken Jack to the plant Zorflax to see, Gikla, the new-queen, being crowned ruler of Zorflax. The Doctor had managed to get them both invited to the after-party with the physic paper, where Jack had become a bit drunk and accidently split red punch all over the Queen. They'd been widespread outrage and they'd wound up here.
"So, got a plan, big guy?" the Doctor finally asked, turning back to Jack.
"The Captain, always has a plan," Jack replied smugly.
"Which is…?"
"Uhhh…I'm working on that one," Jack grinned sheepishly.
The Doctor huffed and rolled his eyes.
"Cut me some slack, will you? You're supposed to be the brains here. I'm just the good-looking side-kick. Scratch that, I'm the ridiculously good-looking companion," he winked and flashed the Doctor a grin.
The Doctor just raised an eyebrow.
Jack's grin evaporated and he muttered something like, "Everyone else laughs, stuck-up Time Lord."
There was a silence for a while. The Doctor was still riled at Jack for getting them into this whole mess, and Jack was sulking with his back to the Doctor.
Finally, Jack turned back.
"I've got it!" he grinned.
"It's the most brilliant idea. It's so brilliant that others tried to steal the idea, but Jack, the almighty Time Agent Captain—"
"Con man, more like," the Doctor interrupted. Jack shot him a glare.
"The almighty Time Agent Captain had already copyrighted it, and besides, no one could pull it off except this brave, courageous, genius, strong, magnificent—"
"Modest," the Doctor added.
"—fantastic man. And he pulled off his brilliant idea and everyone bowed down and—"
The Doctor interrupted for a third time.
"Jack, just tell me the idea," the Doctor said, getting impatient.
"You're just jealous because I – the almighty Time Agent Captain – had the idea first."
The Doctor wondered whether being immortal had done Jack's head in.
He examined his nails and checked his imaginary watch while Jack raved about his idea, without actually saying anything about the idea itself.
"So…we break out!" Jack finished.
There was a beat. The Doctor just blinked. That was Jack's brilliant idea?
"Oh, genius," he said sarcastically.
"Oh yeah, let's see you have a better idea!" Jack snapped.
"Well, my idea was that I climb up the handcuff chain to the hook and then get the handcuffs off the hook and then fall to the ground and come and rescue your sorry behind," the Doctor informed him.
Jack sniffed. "It's not as brilliant as my idea, but I guess it'll do…"
"I'm sure it's not," the Doctor replied, wishing he could mockingly pat Jack on the back.
The Doctor wriggled around so he faced the wall again before reaching up and grasping the chain connected to his handcuffs with one of his hands. He pulled himself up by it and then reached for the chain with his other hand, slowly dragging himself up the wall until he reached the spot where the chain was hooked over a metal hook embedded into the wall. He let go of the chain with one hand and reached for the hook, slowly dragging the chain-link off the hook. He gritted his teeth, his left hand trembling as it struggled to support his weight. Then his wrist seared with pain and he was forced to let go of the chain. He fell half a metre until his right arm – which was still grasping the chain-link – locked out and his right shoulder began taking all the pain. He hissed in a breath as he reached up with his left hand and gradually he climbed back up the chain until he was level with the hook again. He shifted his left hand to the hook and then wasted no time and flung the chain-link off the hook with a cry of triumph. The chain clattered off the hook and fell through the murky dungeon air until it was jolted to a halt by its connection to the Doctor's handcuffs. The Doctor was still gripping the hook with his left hand. He looked down to see he was a metre or so off the ground, knowing he had no choice but to jump, he let go of the hook and plummeted to the ground.
People say that jumping into water from a very high distance can feel like jumping into concrete. No one said that jumping onto stone flags from a metre or so of height felt like jumping onto concrete, because that was obvious. In fact, stone came before concrete so they were more likely to say that jumping onto concrete was like jumping onto stone.
The Doctor slammed into the ground and all his breath went out in a whoosh. He crumpled into a ball in pain, clenching his teeth and screwing up his eyes while trying to wrap his hands around his knees, which he couldn't do because of the handcuffs. He lay there for a minute or so before crawling over to the wall so he could use its support to stand up.
Once he was up he shuffled over to Jack, who's sulking expression from before had vanished and been replaced by one of concern and admiration. He hissed in a breath before sitting down on the cold stone flags a metre or so from Jack.
He grinned up at the Time Agent, his teeth a shocking white against his grubby face.
"Your turn."
*******************
Jack let out a cry of pain as his shoulder first connected with the ground, before his whole body crumpled as it met the stone flags. The Doctor helped Jack up after letting him lie there for a minute or so.
"Now, Jack, let's put your brilliant plan into action."
They raced over to the stairs in one corner of the dank dungeon and climbed them two at a time. They had more trouble with the door, as not only was it locked, but their hands were still handcuffed.
"Jack, get out the sonic screwdriver," commanded the Doctor when he realised he couldn't get his hands into his own coat pocket.
Jack rummaged in the Doctor's coat pocket, taking out a banana, map of Yhojst, model figurine of the 9th Doctor, a peppershaker shaped like a Dalek and the physic paper. He sniggered at the model of the 9th Doctor and proceeded to have an epic battle using the 9th Doctor and the Dalek-shaped peppershaker.
"Jack, it's not the time for that," the Doctor growled, attempting to get the items off the Captain. Jack relented and put the figurine and the Dalek along with the banana and the physic paper into his own pocket.
"You're right. I'll have plenty of time to play with the figurines after you get us out of this."
The Doctor scowled. "That's not what I meant and you know it."
Jack just grinned.
"Hurry up and get the sonic screwdriver out, will you?"
Jack finally extracted the sonic screwdriver, he made to use it but the Doctor snatched it off him first.
"All play and no work makes Jack a lazy boy," the Doctor scolded as he buzzed the dungeon door open.
They rushed out the door to be met with a sight of four Zorflaxian guards. Zorflaxians were bright blue, humanoid in shape but with only one eye, like a Cyclops, all of them were completely bald, with a fierce hatred of any hair and wore bright green robes with swirling patterns on them. The guards had belts tied around their robes, on which there were two laser stun guns. The Doctor and Jack stopped in their tracks as soon as they saw them, with identical deer-in-the-headlights expressions. They all stood there motionless for a few seconds before the Doctor grabbed Jack's handcuffed hand and yelled, "RUN!"
They sprinted down the hallway of the palace they were being held in, the guards in pursuit, sending out pulses with their laser stun guns. One clipped Jack on the shoulder and sent him stumbling into the Doctor. The Doctor dragged him on down the hallway but held the sonic screwdriver over his shoulder and buzzed it for a few seconds. It shorted out the Zorflaxians' stun guns but they kept running after the escaping prisoners.
They flung themselves through a door, only to come face to face with Gikla the Queen herself and the rest of the royal party. The music that was playing in the room came to a halt as the two prisoners stood at the door looking gormless.
"What is the meaning of this?" screeched Gikla.
"Uhhh…" the Doctor was lost for words, which was a first.
"Seize them!" Gikla shrieked at the guards dotted around the chamber. The guards advanced towards Jack and the Doctor, drawing their laser guns. The Doctor fumbled for the sonic screwdriver while Jack searched his pockets for his own gun or for something else. His fingers closed around something that felt vaguely like a gun and he pulled it out, aiming it at the guards and shouting,
"Ah ha!"
He looked at the gun to see that it was in fact the banana he'd found in the Doctor's pocket a few minutes ago. He frowned dismally at the object before suddenly chucking it in the face of Gikla. He grabbed the Doctor's hand and dragged him forward. They weaved through the guards then dashed off out the back door of the chamber and down another hallway. They turned a corner in the hallway only to run straight into some approaching guards. The Doctor and Jack staggered away, looking dazed and didn't have time to get away before the guards seized their handcuff chains and hauled the prisoners back to the dungeon.
************
Jack lashed out, kicking and yelling at the guard who was precariously balanced on a ladder beside him in the dungeon, but it was no use, there was another guard holding down the ladder and another with his gun pointed straight at Jack. He looked past the guard on the ladder to the opposite side of the dungeon to see the Doctor resigned to his fate, but every so often he'd whimper with the Zorflaxians.
"Not the hair," the Time Lord pleaded with the guard on the ladder who was clutching a pair of scissors. "Take my fingers or my nose or something just not my hair."
"It must be done," the bald guard rumbled in his deep voice. "You insulted our Queen; your hair is evil and it must be sacrificed."
The Doctor recalled how in the old days, the bald Zorflaxians had sacrificed anyone with hair at all, though now they were only allowed to sacrifice prisoners due to the introduction of the Shadow Proclamation.
"Please," the Doctor begged, "not the puff. You can't take away the puff."
The guard just sighed.
***********
The Doctor glowered over at Jack, who was sulking on his side of the dungeon again with his hairless head against the stone wall. The Doctor tried to reach one of his hands down to run it over his own smooth bald head, but the handcuffs prevented it.
He scowled at Jack.
"This is all your fault, Harkness."