AUTHORS NOTES
Before I start I have to make a confession that I am nowhere near as big a fan of the show as many of you, but I stumbled upon this site amongst others and felt I should give it a go. I haven't written for many a year and the subject and setting is one I would never have tackled - too busy being macho and awesome - but the subject of the story deals with issues we probably have or will face at some time.
I have tried my best to write in the style of the characters but apologise if they are not totally ring true. My knowledge of New York and its geography is non existent, so again I apologise.
I notice that many people start their stories with a song, so I thought I would follow their lead. I was gonna use something by Chris Isaak but it was obvious that no one would be more fitting than Marvin Gaye and this song especially.
Please excuse my ramblings, quite nervous about submitting this. I just hope people, especially the fans can enjoy this.
I want you, (& I want you)
The right way (& the right way)
I want you (Yes I do)
But I want you to want me too (Want me too)
Want you to want me, baby (& I wanna it 2 be the right way)
Just like I want you
I give you all the love I want in return sweet darlin'
But half a love is all I feel
It's too bad, it's just too sad
You don't want me now
But I'm gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby
I want you - the right way
I want you
But I want you to want me too
Want you to want me, baby
Just like I want you
This one way love is just a fantasy, oh sugar
To share is precious, pure and fair
Don't play with something you should cherish for life, oh baby
Don't you wanna care
Aint it lonely out there
I want you - the right way
I want you
But I want you to want me too
Want you to want me, baby
Just like I want you
If You Find my Heart, Please Send it Home
June 12th
Quinn...Karma...Quinn...Karma...Quinn...Karma. The lines blurred but it always came back to Karma.
Quinn...Karma...Quinn...Karma...BITCH.
LOSER. There was no blurring, no doubt as to what he was.
Robin...Robin...Robin. The one word, the one thing that could bring him back from the brink. Despite the heartache she had caused him and the distance that had grown over time, the mere thought of her soothed his mind and quickened his heart.
Barney slowly opened his eyes, reaching his hand out for his now empty glass. He scanned the room. Wherever he looked he felt nauseous. The garish decor a permanent reminder of her and all that she had done. A testimony to his own stupidity and naivety. He looked for his phone, meaning to call his contractor to come and remove the horror all around him, he did not care at what cost. His phone was nowhere to be found. Karma striking again. Forcing him to remain in this prison of his own making. An idiot's purgatory.
He wanted to get up and banish the thoughts, memories and traces of her from his mind but instead found himself falling back into the seat. He closed his eyes hoping the blackness would wash everything away but images flashed across his mind like rolling news. Images , that were once sweet but now horrific. Time passed and he eventually drifted into a fitful sleep. His body jolted involuntarily as memories passed through his mind like electricity through the body.
Eventually night became morning.
June 13th
10am
Barney awoke to the expected hangover.
" Todays the first day of the rest of my life." Yeah and all that other BS Barney told himself as he eyed the empty face looking back at him from his bathroom mirror.
He left the bathroom, went to his bedroom and took out a small travel case, proceeding to put several pairs of underwear and socks into the case. He then went to the closet that housed his suits, removing two. Carefully he placed them in their respective suit bags. Two pairs of shoes, four shirts, four ties and one watch later and his packing was complete. He left the case by the front door and made his way to the bathroom. He briefly stopped, looking at his drinks cabinet and eyed up the row of malt whiskys but thought better of it. He went to the shower and stayed there, letting time slip by. He looked down at the water cascading of his body, flowing down the drain. He wished that the boiling water cleansed his body of her touch and hid his tears. The tears of a clown. Hoped the memories would wash away. He longed for the water to take all traces of her away, down the drainage hole to the subterranean world and the sewers where her kind belonged.
His tears weren't for Quinn but for himself. Beneath the veneer of awesomeness lay an idiot, a two bit magician and fraudster who couldn't even tell when a spell was being cast on him. The player had been played. KARMA. The word idiot kept playing over in his mind, like a record stuck in a groove. There had been a time when to be called idiot was the greatest word he had ever heard. Robin.
3pm
Having phoned his contractor to arrange the renovation of his apartment, he then booked himself into a boutique hotel in Chelsea; duration unknown. He picked up his keys, grabbed his case and left his apartment, not looking back.
He made his way to his hotel, dumped his case without unpacking and resolved to find a bar and drink himself into a state of amnesia. He hailed a cab and gave the driver instructions, not even registering what he was saying. Slowly he realised he was heading uptown when he thought he stated downtown to the driver. He knew where he was headed, MacLarens, his regular watering hole, his home from home. It was the last place he wanted to be. He hadn't told his friends the events that had unfolded, he didn't want to have to. The cab pulled up outside MacLarens, he paid the driver mumbling "keep the change" as he did so. He left the cab but did not enter the bar straight away, instead he went into a shop and bought not one but two packets of cigarettes. He headed back to MacLarens stopping before the door. He braced himself and took a deep breath " Game face Stinson ", he tried unsuccessfully to smile. Resigned, he opened the door and walked in.
…...
THE PREVIOUS NIGHT
Robin had been moving on. The last month had been her own private nightmare, crowning a year of doubt, pain and indecision. Barney had made his choice, albeit as the result of the choice she had made. It was the cruelest thing she had ever done and to the one man who probably mattered the most to her in the world. But what's done was done.
The last few weeks in contrast had been a blur. Whilst absent mindedly wandering the streets of the city one lunch time she bumped into a face from her past. The face was called Andrew. It was a face Robin had liked before, thought about on more than one occasion. Andrew had been labelled crush guy, not Barney but definitely potential and undeniably hot.
They had started seeing each other, taking things slow at first but things were gathering speed. They talked on the phone daily, had adult and civilised conversations. Enjoyed each others voice and silences. Andrew was charming, had a decent job but also had just enough of a rough edge to him to keep Robin interested. Tonight after three weeks of taking things slow they found themselves on a big date. Theatre, dinner, the works.
They sat at their table, smiling. Words were not needed, both just enjoying the moment. The waiter came over with a bottle of wine and they nodded their approval.
"You know all I really want is a beer."
"Mmm, a whisky for me. Whisky goes with anything. Now beer's great, wine has its place but Whisky truly is the king among drinks." Robin felt a certain level of smugness with her proclamation, in fact almost Ted like. But who could argue, the truth was the truth. Andrew chuckled.
"What. What's up? " Robin was perplexed, almost offended.
"It's nothing. It's just I've never met a woman who drinks Scotch, let alone eulogises about it." He smiled hoping to temper her mood.
"Look, so I like a Whisky or two, it's no big deal".
"No it's not at all." "Actually when I think about it it's kinda refreshing," Andrew placed his hand on Robin's hoping the gesture was enough reassurance. Robin smiled back "Whoa our first fight. So much for taking it slow." They both laughed. Normal service resumed. Yet underneath Robin was smarting. She liked Andrew and his comments were no different from what had been said to her many times from Ted, Marshall, Lily and strangers. Maybe it's just that there was one one person who never questioned it. Not once. The same person who actively celebrated the fact nay rejoiced in it. Robin quickly put the brakes on that thought.
June 13th
5pm
Barney had been sat in MacLarens for over an hour but had only managed one glass of Scotch. Carl the bartender had offered to drive him to the doctors fearing Barney was ill. Barney managed a fake laugh at this and told Carl to bring him a treble or even the bottle . Carl left laughing, forgetting to ask Barney why he wasn't in his usual seat but instead was sat in far corner his back to everyone else. Barney wasn't much in the mood for laughter or for people but for now he needed the reassurance of familiar surroundings.
He hadn't noticed when Ted ,Marshall and Lily had entered the bar, taking their spot in their usual booth. He soon recognised Marshall's voice booming across the bar "For god's sake Ted, Nessie is a magical creature." "That's why she defies all science." A meek voice replied in what seemed like a overly dramatic whisper "But over a million years old. Not likely. I rest my case." Marshall let out a loud groan "Urrrgh Ted. Magical." And then the bar momentarily went silent. Barney wanted to laugh but the effort seemed too much. Instead he let out a quiet groan at Ted, always having to have the last word. Just like a woman. Even this thought couldn't muster a chuckle. His gaze remained fixed on the far wall, his thoughts a torrent of fears.
"Barney?" The recognition of his name suddenly brought him around from his prison of thoughts.
"Huh", he tried to get a fix on the voice.
"Barney are you ok?" He felt a hand on his arm.
"Oh hi Lil." "Sorry just in a world of my own".
"Barney, why are you sitting here? Didn't you hear us come in?" He saw the worried look on Lily's face.
"Um... I was just eh...", his voice trailed off.
"Listen hon, I need to go pee but come over to the booth and we'll all talk about it. Ok?" He felt Lily's grip tighten on his arm.
"Um sure", he picked up his glass, not even noticing that it was empty and trudged over to the booth. He didn't notice the look of concern on Lily's face either.
"Hey buddy." " When did you arrive? We didn't even see you", Ted looked startled by his friends arrival.
"Um I was here a while, just thinking and stuff." Barney seemed hesitant to sit down with his friends.
"Barney, are you ok?" Marshall asked with genuine concern.
"Just had a rough coupla d..", he stopped talking at the the touch on his arm. Lily had returned from the toilet and gestured for him to sit down. Reluctantly Barney sat down in the booth bracing himself for the ordeal which was about to take place.
"You know you can talk to us Barney. About anything".
, Lily stated. In her mind she regretted the "anything" part, knowing the levels Barney's mind could stoop to but she could tell by the look on his face it was serious.
"Anything." Marshall repeated. Ted nodded in agreement.
"Sure, I just need to get my thoughts straight." He took a deep breath. "So the short version is Quinn was the universe getting payback". The three friends looked quizzically at Barney. Ted was about to speak but the Barney continued. "Love really is a four letter word." Lily interrupted "What's happened Barney, I'm sorry but I'm not really following you."
"Sorry Lil." He took a deep breath before speaking "It turns out Quinn didn't love me, just the Benjamins." "She promised me the dream, gave me a glimmer of how it's meant to be but it was all an act." Lily placed her hand on his. "Quinn was the first time I tried to be like you guys", he looked at Lily and Marshall "but I'm not you guys. I'm me and what's the point in trying to change".
"Barney you can't stop believing." Marshall said with sadness in his voice.
"Marshall you can't back a loser, that's the only sure thing I know. Before Marshall could speak Barney continued "you could always ask Quinn though, she seems to have it all figured out." Ted was afraid to ask but knew he had to " Barney, what did she do?"
"Took me to the cleaners Ted, took me to the cleaners". Barney looked down at his still empty glass. " I tried to do all the things she wanted, tried to give her everything she wanted the clothes, the fancy restaurants, the joint bank account". The penny finally dropped for Marshall, Lily and Ted. "I thought I was doing everything right, I knew deep down she wasn't maybe the one but I thought we had a good thing". "Then one night I came home, the place was a mess, her things were gone. I realised straight away that I had been played." "I don't even want to think about what else she might have done." A moments silence passed. "Karma's a bitch, right?" Barney let out a weak chuckle.
The three friends struggled for words. Marshall had his head in his hands, Lily clutched Barney's hand tightly and wouldn't let go, Ted was the first to speak "Buddy, we're..." his voice trailed off as he struggled for the words.
"It's okay Ted", Barney sighed. "I think I should get off guys, I'm shattered".
"Do you really wanna be alone Barney?" Lily asked.
"I'll be okay Lily, I'll just need some time." Barney stood up to leave, the look of sadness in his friends eyes made him want to cry. He said a quick goodbye and made a hasty exit.
"Guys, shouldn't we do something?" Ted looked to the others, hoping to help his friend but also hiding his feeling of impotence in the situation. He felt overwhelmed. They all did.
"I hope he's called the police, that bitch deserves everything she gets", Marshall pounded the table. Lily place a hand on his shoulder to comfort her husband. The sat in silence, they couldn't muster the words. Different emotions fan through their minds. The bar throbbed around them but they were oblivious.
"Hey guys". Robin bounded up to the booth, Andrew following close behind. She noticed the demeanour of her friends. "Wh..Whats up?" the words stuttered out.
"It's Barney", Lily replied without much forethought.
"Barney?", "is he okay?" Robin was frozen on the spot. Lily noticed both the look on Robin's face and the anxiety in her voice. Lily quickly move to allay her friends fears knowing the full depth of feeling behind her question. "He's okay, he's not injured or anything but something bad happened to him. You should sit down and I'll explain".
Lily started telling the story but suddenly broke down.
"He looked so sad Robin, like a ghost." Marshall and Ted took over recounting the events of the evening. "She destroyed him Robin. You know Barney, always putting on the brave face but he was just..." Marshall's voice trailed off. At first Ted could only nod in agreement but then he spoke "He'll get through it big guy, it's Barney." His words were directed at Marshall but really they were for the whole group. He wasn't even sure he believed them himself.
"I should call him", Robin spoke. "You know, see how he's doing". She desperately wanted to speak to him and hear him say he'd be okay. She wanted to hear his voice and tell him how sorry she was for the things she had done and the distance between them she had created. Robin tried to retain her composure but inside she was crumbling. That bitch Quinn she thought. If she ever laid eyes on her again she'd put a slug straight through her black heart.
Lily spoke again. "Maybe it's best you do that tomorrow. I don't think he could go through it again tonight." She didn't agree with what she had just said but she was looking out for both her friends. She knew the depth of their feelings. She knew just by looking that Robin was a wreck, the guys were oblivious but she could tell.
"Maybe you're right", Robin spoke whilst standing up.
"Robin, are you okay?" Andrew spoke for the first time.
"Yeah. I..I just need to go to the toilet. I'll only be a minute". She tried to give him a reassuring smile. She couldn't tell if he bought it.
Once inside the toilet she raced into a cubicle and sat down. She could feel a tear roll down her cheek. She made no attempt to stop it or wipe it away. Her instinct was to call Barney but she thought better of it. Quickly with fingers fumbling over the keys she sent him a text.
Barney, I'm so sorry. I should've seen it, known something, done something. Please be strong. For me.
She sent it. Were the words right. Had she said things she shouldn't have. Right then she didn't care, she just wanted him to know she was caring.
She quickly composed herself. Left the cubicle and headed back to the bar. She came to the booth and took her seat by Andrew. Marshall and Lily were trying to change the subject by asking Andrew questions of his and Robin's evening. All that they wanted to do was talk about Barney, but not in front of a relative stranger. Robin knew they were trying their best to make things seem normal for Andrew's sake but the concern was etched on their faces. She couldn't tell what Andrew was thinking. What he was thinking about her reaction to the nights news? They remained in the bar for another hour, seeking comfort in the strength of their group.
Barney was laying on his hotel bed. His phone made a single beeping noise. He knew it meant someone had sent him a text. He knew he didn't want to read it, the phone felt like a brick in his hand, his mind a fog. Some force compelled him to read it. His fingers pawed at the screen. He read the words over and over. "She cares", he mumbled softly.
He sent a simple one word text in reply.
Thanks.
He maybe should have said more but the feeling behind it was everything. He was exhausted, his mind racing with a million thoughts. He closed his eyes, clutching the phone close to his chest, the message still on display. His breathing slowed, he was sleeping. Truly, for the first time in days.
Ted, Marshall and Lily called him daily, Robin less so but he understood. He hoped one day they would be best friends again but he feared it wouldn't happen. He told each of them the same thing. That he was doing better - some days it was true - but he just needed some time by himself to think about things. He always made up some excuse so that he could end the call before anything more awkward would arise.
The renovations at his flat had been completed but still he could not return. Like a king exiled from his own fortress. He wondered if he ever could go back. He had taken leave from his work, a rare occurrence for him. It had already stretched to a week. The notion struck him to ask his bosses to go overseas for a while, maybe Europe. Stay in New York and be confronted with past failures and constant pain. Or disappear and be awesome somewhere else. He realised New York had become his prison but still he wouldn't go. Something kept him there. He resolved there and then that he would man up and be Barney again. It would be his greatest play to pull it off, but if he was going to stay around he'd have no other choice. He was tired of the masquerade, he just wanted to be himself. He had realised long ago that the front, the personas were his safety net. He longed to let it drop. For good. Yet every time he did the consequence was too much.
Barney rose from his bed, walking to the mirror above the chest of drawers. "I'm Barney. I just need to give people what they expect", he looked solemnly at his reflection. "I'm a magician. I just got to create the illusion." The reflection mustered no expression. He looked at his watch, it was 7.45pm. He cast a glance over his shoulder to where his suit jacket hung on the wardrobe door. With a sigh he went and got the jacket. Putting it on, he headed for the door and left the room.
8.23pm
Barney walked into MacLarens wearing a casual smile. He strode up to the bar and casually looked around as though scanning the floor for possible targets. He nodded a hello to Carl and requested his usual. He had noted his friends at their usual spot but they hadn't yet noticed him. He reckoned he probably wasn't expected. He didn't want to go over straight away, a terrible anxiety had risen within him. They were all present including Andrew. Carl handed Barney his drink. Barney thanked him and paid. He turned and made for the booth.
"Barney", the excitement or was it relief was evident in Marshall's voice. Five faces looked up from their seats, smiles etched across four of them. Some right, some awkward, some too much. Ted always was a ham actor he thought, much like himself.
"Hi guys." Barney hovered not really wanting to sit down, especially not to close to Robin and Andrew.
"It's great to see you out buddy, grab a seat", Ted motioned to his friend.
"Erm sure. I've only got a coupla minutes but why not", he could already feel his nerve going.
"A coupla of minutes?" Lily interjected.
"Got myself a date" he replied. He noted the look of concern on his friends faces, he also saw a look that he took for disdain cross Andrew's face. He could have been mistaken. What the hell does that guy matter anyway he thought. 'Never did like him anyway.' He realised this was his stock response to anyone who dated Robin, he had never really given any of them a chance. How could he.
"A date?" Lily asked.
"I couldn't go wallowing in self pity for ever Lil. The Barnacle has had his winter hibernation. Now he needs to feed."
"Are you really sure you want to be doing this so soon?" Lily pressed him.
"I'm fine Lily, truly I am." He looked down at his watch. "Actually I'm kinda running late, gotta be uptown. Meeting this hot female basketball player." "She says she wants to practice her lay up with me. Get it? L-A-Y up." He didn't seek his usual high five from anyone, nor a look of approval from Ted or Marshall. "Actually I better go", he gulped down his drink and left the table issuing a quick "see ya" before anyone could say anything and almost sprinted for the door.
"What just happened?" Robin asked with a blank look on her face.
"Isn't it great. Barney's better. I knew you couldn't keep him down, that guy's quick on the rebound", Marshall laughed but no one else saw the funny side. Marshall's knack for avoiding the obvious was once again to the fore. "I wonder if he'll take her to play Laser Tag. She'd probably be a sure shot", a faraway look and smile crossed his face.
"Shots more a hockey thing Marshall", Robin had spoken without even thinking. Silence ensued.
"Laser Tag?" Andrew scoffed at the words. "At his age and on a date. I'm starting to think there may be more issues than just a break up going on with the guy."
"Actually Andrew, you'll find that", but before Ted could speak any further Robin rounded on her partner.
"Laser Tag is a great game. And if Barney takes some girl to play it. Well let me tell you, she's one lucky girl." Robin did her best not to shout the words at Andrew. She picked up her beer and slugged it down, trying to disguise her anger.
"Victoria", Ted shouted out the word as Victoria approached the booth. "Hey you made it", his words still too loud, an obvious attempt to diffuse the mood.
"Um, hi guys", Victoria sheepishly gave a little wave as she went to sit on Barney's vacant seat. The booth was silent. "I just saw Barney. Headed in a taxi downtown. I called out his name but he didn't hear me. He looked a little distant."
Silence enveloped the table once more.
FIVE MINUTES EARLIER
Barney left the bar gasping for air. He slumped against the outside wall, thoughts racing through his head. Did they buy it. Had he used that tale before. Once he had started, his words had come out like machine gun fire, not stopping til the magazine was spent.
He stumbled from the wall, looking like one of the many drunk men who occupied the New York streets that night. Yet he was stone cold sober. He hailed a taxi. Getting in, he thought he heard his name but chose not to look back. He acknowledged the driver. "Downtown." He slumped in the seat.
The following morning Barney set his phone to voicemail. By late afternoon he had six mails; three from Lily and one each from Ted, Marshall and Robin. He didn't listen to them only guessing what the contents would be.
He sent the same message to each of his friends. He knew it was uncaring and genuinely hoped that nothing bad had happened. He would forever hate himself if something had. But right now he was being cowardly and selfish, for the good of everyone. That's what he told himself.
Sorry guys can't meet tonight. Another date. An Au pair. And what a pair.
Last night ok. Gave the full court press but she was a bit of a dribbler.
Barney out. ( Marconi high five )
He switched off his phone.
That evening he went to a nearby square, sat on a bench and stared into space until darkness eventually came.
NEXT DAY
Barney's phoned made a noise, a single beep, a text message. He took the phone from his pocket.
Barney, will you meet me?
It came from Robin. He stared at the screen not knowing what to do. He slowly typed his response.
I will be at the bar of the Rooftop hotel Chelsea. 45 mins?
Ok
The answer was short, giving nothing away.
Barney had chosen a corner table, tucked out of the way. He sat nervously, constantly peering out the bar window. He held a glass of malt in his hand, hoping to disguise his sweaty palm. He spotted Robin approaching the door of the hotel bar. He quickly gulped down his drink and indicated to the barman for two more. He stood up awaiting Robin.
"Barney", her voice would have seemed normal to anyone else but Barney could sense a sadness and weariness to it.
"Hi", he moved to meet her. When she got near he moved to hug her. He was surprised when she reciprocated. He wanted to stay there forever but he daren't. It might have been Robin but she was someone else's now. He made the first move to part. He wasn't sure if his mind was playing tricks but he was sure she didn't want to let go. He motioned for her to sit.
"I...I needed to talk with you Barney", her words came hesitantly.
"Um sure..", he stopped as the barman approached and placed the drinks on the table. He nodded his thanks.
"I needed to know you're okay." She stopped talking. Barney had hoped that she was going to say more. Was that it? His nerves were steadily increasing.
"I'm fine Robin. Really I am", he tried to be convincing.
"Barney, it's me." " I know I haven't been there for you lately and I'm solely to blame for that, no one else." "I really think we need to talk, a lot has happened."
"Robin. You made a choice. I tried to respect your decision. There was always gonna be casualties", he stared down into his glass as he finished his words. He could not see the sadness in her face.
"I just want my bro back." The statement startled Barney, he could feel the emotion in her voice. A long lost feeling of hope sparked within him.
"I don't want my bro back Robin." She stifled a tear, fearing the worst. The statement felt like a punch in her guts. She closed her eyes. "I want my best friend back."
"Best friend?" "I thought that was Ted?" She tried hiding her shock, her excitement behind another question.
"Ted's a good friend and he's definitely my bro but he's not my best friend Scherbatsky. It's you andI think you know that." A smile crossed both their faces.
"Thanks", she could only supply a simple reply.
"But I don't know if that's possible Robin."
"Why?"
"Kevin. Andrew." His answer was succinct and straight to the heart of the matter. Or one of the myriad of matters that constantly surrounded them.
"I finished things with Andrew."
"You what?" Barney was genuinely startled by the revelation.
"He wasn't a bad guy. Perfect for someone but not me. He made realise some things."
"Do you want to talk about it?" He couldn't help but reach out to her.
"Actually Barney I do. And I don't want to talk about it to anyone but you." She could see a look of anxiety on Barney's face. "Andrew liked a lot about me, but the things he didn't like were the things that mattered most. The things my best friend always got, the things we shared, the things that made us awesome." She looked across at Barney, the fear had left his eyes, replaced by hope and longing. She took a breath, almost overwhelmed. She swore she was looking on the face of an angel.
"Robin." His words brought her back. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" He asked the question despite the fear and memories it dragged up in him. She took her time in replying.
"Yes Barney I am." " I realise there's so much I have to say, so much I have to do, to prove." She felt his hand on hers. She looked up and saw his smile, their smile.
"Shhh, don't worry." His words reassured her. "We have forever."