The Matrix: Rewritten
Written as a parody focusing on the most notable and/or annoying flaws/characteristics of our heroes and their nemeses, The Matrix: Rewritten uses a play-by-play style to illustrate what should NOT happen. Teehee. No slash, no random flying monkeys, this story attempts to focus on purely Matrixian things, drawing only from the films, the comics, and your comments (and I say, attempts). Please enjoy, and bear with the oft-interfering schoolwork.
The Matrix: Rewritten
Scene 1
Call trans opt: received. 2-19-98 13:24:18 REC:Log
Trace program: running
[Voiceover]
Cypher: Hey baby…
Trinity: Is everything in place? And don't call me that.
Cypher: Sure thing, babe. You weren't supposed to relieve me.
Trinity: So what if I did? I'm first mate, and I can do what I want. And don't call me that either.
Cypher (suspiciously): You like him don't you? What's so special about him anyways?! How come you never did that for me?!
Trinity (exasperated): Gawd, Cypher! You're so possessive. I mean, geez, I'm not even your girlfriend. What's up with that? Do you have some weird fixation with me or something?
Cypher (hurriedly): A shim* like you? Ew, no.
Trinity: exCUSE me?
Cypher (changes subject): We're gonna kill him. You get me?
Trinity: But Morpheus said--
Cypher: FINE! Whatever. But don't say I didn't warn you!
Trinity: He's the One. He can't die.
Cypher: You're only repeating Morpheus.
Trinity: So?
Cypher (accusingly): You don't really believe that he's the One, DO you?
[Computer 'Jim' beeps a little overzealously as it happily reaches the third to last number.]
Trinity (paranoid): Didyouhearthat?!
Cypher: Hear WHAT?! How am I supposed to hear anything over our conversation?
['Jim' beeps again, just to spite Trinity]
Trinity (really freaked out): OMG I'M BEING STALKED!!!! I bet this phone is bugged!
Cypher: You mean, 'tapped'. And it's not.
Trinity: How would you know?
Cypher: I'm watching youuuuuu
Trinity: I better go. You're freaking me out.
[Cut to scene: Several cops are doing their 'really sneaky' bit with the flashlights. They approach Rm 303 and proceed to beat in the door (whose name is 'Bo')]
'Bo': Ow. What was that for? Ever hear of a doorknob?
[Cops do not notice, but shine their B.A.Fs (big @$$ flashlights) at a manikin-looking, androgynous person in shiny black leather.]
Old Cop 1: Freeze police!
Old Cop 2: Put your hands on your head! Do it! Do it now!
[Androgynous person is a woman, who complies]
[Cut to scene: Outside 'Heart o' the City Hotel' there are six police cars and one semi-nice compact car with three cops leaning on it. There are several police officers loitering and attempting to look productive. The dispatcher's voice comes loud and clear over an unseen radio. A black car drives up. Three vaguely identical, plain looking men in black suits step out in perfect synchronisation. Oddly, they are wearing sunglasses at 11:30 pm. They shut their doors (but not all at once)]
Agent Smith: Lieutenant.
Lieutenant [looks down]: Oh, shit.
Smith: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders. They were perfectly clear. You are supposed to be standing three inches to the left. Not to mention that you were not to send anyone up.
[Jones rolls eyes]
Lieutenant: Hey, I'm just doing my job. It's not like I have any other scenes in this thing. You give me that juris-my-diction crap; you can cram it up your ass.
Smith (slightly but unnoticeably peeved): The orders were for your protection.
Lieutenant: [laughs] I think we can handle one little girl. I mean, geez, we are the city's finest.
[Smith glances back at his partners and they step around the cop and to the hotel. Lieutenant turns around.]
Lieutenant: I sent two units. They're bringin' her down now.
Smith: [turns head and glances back] No Lieutenant, your men are already dead. [looks slightly pleased with himself]
[Cut to scene: Shiny leather woman is about to be cuffed. Cue fancy fight scene.]
Woman: [surveys destruction] Shit.
[Cut to scene: police and agents enter building]
[Cut to scene: woman is on the cell]
Woman: Morpheus. The line was traced. Tell Cypher that's another point for me.
Morpheus: Will do. They cut the hardline. There's no time. You'll have to find some other way out.
Woman: Any agents?
Morpheus: Dammit Cypher! Leave Trinity's ankles alone!! (Yes there are)
Woman: God. damn. it. Hit him for me. And how the hell am I supposed to fight the agents? I totally don't have my trenchcoat.
Morpheus: I already have. You have to focus Trinity. Focus only on getting out and not on whatever weirdness Cypher may or may not be up to. Remember, we need you so that we can get the One out.
Trinity: I feel loved.
Morpheus: There's a phone at Wells and Lake. You can make it.
Trinity: Alright.
Morpheus: Go!
[Cut to scene: Agent Jones step out of elevator]
[Trinity sees Jones, freaks out, and runs away. Jones and cops follow. Trinity runs onto fire escape and sees Smith. Jones/cops follow. Smith turns around looking really sinister. Trinity runs up the ladder and onto the roof, followed closely by Jones/cops. {how many times can i say 'follow'} They all jump over the alley, except for the fat cop who plummets to his death screaming to the god of donuts. They all run over corrugated metal roofs. Jones shoots at Trinity, who leaps over the main street, followed by Jones.]
Cop 2: That's impossible.
[Jones lands in dramatic pose. Trinity hides behind smokestack. Jones stands up even more dramatically.]
Jones: I love my job.
[After freaking out, Trinity runs like hell for a tee-niny window that her butt will never squeeze through; somehow, it will. She takes a flying leap and rolls down some stairs. She pulls her guns on the swinging lamp, 'Misty']
'Misty': Ororo... concussion... ow...
Trinity: Get up, Trinity. Just get up. You have no idea what Cypher is doing to your shoes. GET UP.
[Trinity rounds street corner and faces phone booth (which are rather hard to find these days). A garbage truck swerves and faces the phone too. It rings. The truck begins revving the engine.]
Smith: WOOOOOOOO!
Trinty: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [makes engine noises]
Smith: WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!! [revs engine]
Trinity: WOOOOOOOOOOO-
Smith & Trinity: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [Trinity makes a break for the phone booth]
[Trinity gets there first and yells triumphantly as she answers it. The truck smashes her. Truck backs up several feet, shedding bricks. Smith steps out and walks around front, surveys damage, and looks slightly depressed. Agent Brown walks up]
Brown: She got out.
Smith [as Jones walks up]: Doesn't matter.
Brown: The informant is real.
Smith: What is real? How do you define real?
Jones: Those aren't your lines.
Smith: They're much deeper and more meaningful than 'yes'.
Jones: They are not your lines.
Smith: [sighs] Yes.
Jones: We have the name of their next target.
Brown: The name is 'Neo'.
Smith: I know, idiots, I read the memo this morning. We'll need a search running.
Jones: Well if you had read it, you would know that it has already begun.
Smith: HA! Those weren't your lines!
Jones: Actually, they were. 'It has already begun,' is scripted.
Smith: Damn.
[Nifty special effects with telephone.]
End Scene One.
A/N: so ends scene one. Main question: is this really funny? Or is it just me? I know there's a lot of these, so tell me if it's a waste of time. (wait, I already know that it's a waste of time, but I mean, should I keep it or trash it?) anywho… questions, comments, flames, I don't care. I just want ta know that somebody's at least read it. (incentive: three comments earns you a cameo appearance).
Ja!
~MnI~
PS: that's actually two chapters on the dvd jfyi
* a shim is a she/him, a girl who looks like a guy. Coined by a bud of mine.