Moving On
by RGoodfellow64
.
.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were and unless some amazingly huge and powerful celestial event makes it happen, never will belong to me.
.
.
.
It had only been a week. Just one week and the pain was still there. Her doctors told her to expect it for quite a while, not so much where the bullet entered, but from the side where they had to open her up to repair the damage.
But they were wrong, every night she dreamed of the bullet entering her body. Every night she heard Castle call her name. Every night she turned slightly towards him. Every night she felt the searing pain as the bullet cut through her flesh and tried to scramble her insides. Every night she heard that soft 'plop' as it hit her…and every night she heard his words, over and over and over again.
She dreaded going to sleep.
It had only been a week, but she was ready to leave the hospital. She was beyond ready to leave and she'd been making plans to stay with her father upstate. She needed to get away from the city, from the remembered pain, from all the concern and worries and away from those words. Those words she heard every night, those words that stayed in her mind, in her wounded heart, words that seared her soul.
I love you.
Her doctor had just left, leaving her with good and bad news. The good news was that if she kept doing as well as she had, she could leave in three days. That was also the bad news. She had to stay here for three more days.
Three more days of relentless beeping near her head, of prodding and poking and constant invasion of her personal space. Three more days of police outside her door, of visits by people who didn't know what to say, who tried to put a good spin on what happened when all she wanted to do was dig a hole, climb inside and cover herself up again.
Three more days of Josh stopping by to visit when his schedule allowed.
She couldn't even count the number of times she awoke to see him sitting in the chair next to her. Staring at her. Watching her as she slept. Something he probably did before when he stayed over at her place or her at his, but now, now it felt unwelcome. Unwanted. Creepy in a way that she never felt with Castle.
She'd asked him not to do that but he said he never knew when he'd be able to get to her and he grabbed every minute he could. He almost lost her and he needed to know she was all right. Still breathing. Still living.
He needed to check the machines hooked up to her that monitored her progress. Those beeps that she despised so much were music to his ears. As he put it, he needed to 'keep tabs on his girl.'
Only she wasn't.
She knew that. She'd known that for a while now but just didn't have the strength to end a relationship that never had a chance to begin with. She thought herself so strong, so in charge, so in control of her life when really she'd been in free fall since Castle barged his way in.
As much as she liked Josh, and she had to admit, she really did 'like' him, that was the extent of her feelings for him. There really wasn't any passion in their relationship. They had some things in common but she had that with Lanie as well, and she never thought of dating Lanie.
Yet here she was, with those words, those heavy, heavy words weighing on her, and Josh.
In the isolation tent, more afraid for him than she was for herself, she told Castle that all she wanted was someone who would be there for her, she would be there for him and they could just dive into it together. Even then she knew that Josh wasn't that someone, but she held on.
It was so much easier staying in a nowhere relationship than to break things off and start a new one. It was comfortable in a way that was uncomfortable. Lifeless. Vapid. A non-relationship relationship that she was just too lazy to get out of. In reality, it was over before Royce was murdered, before she gave in to the temptation that was Richard Castle and opened her bedroom door to see his closing behind him.
Temptation. That was a perfect description of the man. It was a perfect description of him perhaps two years ago, but being honest with herself, he was so much more now. So much more than she ever dreamed, or feared, or ever thought possible. She still felt the conflicted feelings of relief and sadness as she watched his door close in LA. The relief that all unknown, he made the decision for her, and sadness that she didn't have the courage to go to his door. The courage to face herself and her feelings for Castle. The courage to dive into something when she didn't know how she'd land.
The courage to end a relationship with a good man who just wasn't good enough, at least not for her. Even before her trip to LA, she'd found herself not wanting that physical contact with Josh. His kiss, even his touch was something she no longer desired, something she no longer wanted to think about, and thankfully their schedules kept them apart for the last few weeks. Other than a quick bite to eat, a short lunch or dinner before hurrying off to work, there was no contact between them outside of the phone.
Not until she was shot.
And those words. They weighed down on her more than anything ever had before. They were heavier than Raglan's words when her mother was murdered. They were heavier than Montgomery's actions, his years working for redemption…his sacrifice.
They were too heavy for her to lift now. Castle was too heavy for her to be around now, but it never stopped him from constantly being in her thoughts…and dreams.
Even in her nightmares, his words were a rock to hold on to.
She needed time. She needed to get to a place where she was strong again. Where she didn't fear. Where she didn't constantly feel the need to look over her shoulder and second guess herself.
She needed to get back to being the strong, powerful, stone visage that was Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD, and she had to wait three more days before that could happen, but before that…
She looked up as her door opened and gave a small smile as she saw Josh enter the room.
"Hey, how's my girl?" he asked as he came up to the bed. He leaned down to give her a kiss as she turned her head so he only touched her cheek. He sat down next to her and took her hand, one eye on the monitors over her bed.
She turned back to him and said, "Thank you for coming Josh. We need to talk."
"Yes, let's talk. Let's talk about how well you're healing. Let's talk about all the things we can do when you can sit out at your dad's place and we can relax and enjoy being with each other. Let's…"
"Josh."
He smiled and squeezed her hand, "Yes Kate?"
"That's not what I want to talk about. I think you know what I want to talk about."
Sighing he said, "I do. But I also know you're still reeling from the after effects from being shot. From the trauma your body and mind has gone through."
"Josh…"
"Kate, I know that whatever you say now is not something you mean to say, not something you really want to say. It's the emotions of the moment talking and we should give it time. Time to rest, time to heal, time to remember what it is we have and what we can have…together."
Kate sighed and disengaged her hand from him, folding them both in her lap. She looked him in the eyes and said, "Josh, we really don't have anything. We never really did have anything, and I think we both know that."
"That's not true Kate. We have each other and we have so much in common." He paused a moment and added, "Kate, no woman has ever touched me the way you do. Your kindness, your love for me, your passion to help others…no woman has ever held my heart like you. We are so right for each other that sometimes it scares me."
"I'm sorry Josh, but that's not me, I'm not that woman and though I really do like you, I don't love you. I never say it back."
Josh pulled his hand from the bed, "Kate…"
"You don't know me Josh, you don't understand what it is that makes me tick, that keeps me going. You don't know the hurts and pain I've been through, the things that have molded me into who I am…what I am."
"But I do Kate," he said interrupting. "You showed me your mother's murder board, you shared that with me. You let me see that Castle pushed you back into the case that almost killed you."
Her eyes widened as he continued, "You showed me how much he hurt you, how he put you in constant danger. But Kate, that's over now. He's gone. You sent him away. You don't ever have to worry about him putting your life at risk again."
Kate shook her head in disbelief. "What? Josh, where did you get that idea? Castle has saved my life more times than I can count. He's the best partner I've ever had, he…"
"He's not a police officer Kate. He isn't trained. Didn't you tell me that because of his stupid book some nut tried to kill you and blew up your old apartment? Kate, he's invaded your life, he's used you for his own benefit, he's written sexual fantasies about you that he puts in his books and he forced himself by his connections to follow you around for his 'research', and we both know the only kind of research he's interested in."
Kate narrowed her eyes and asked, "What are you implying Josh?"
"I'm saying he's only there for one thing Kate. He wants you. He wants you to be one of the harem of women he's taken to bed and dumped. The only reason he's with you is to get you in bed!"
Surprised at the tone and volume of his voice Kate said, "If that's all he's ever wanted, why does he get up at any ungodly hour when I call? Why does he put his own life on hold to come to crime scenes, to spend countless hours along with me and my team to help find closure for the families of the victims in our cases? Why would he do that for over three years Josh? Is he that desperate for sex? Don't you think there are women who'd just drop anything for him?"
"Why are you defending him Kate? Why are you standing up for the man who did more to put you in this hospital than the guy who shot you?"
"What?"
"He's a loose cannon and he's going to get you killed! You have no idea how happy I was to see he wasn't with you more than a couple of minutes the other day."
"How did you know?"
"I stopped at the nurse's station to check up on your chart when he walked past. He looked dejected and I realized you'd sent him away." Josh paused a moment and said, "He looked worse than he did when I pushed him into the wall."
Kate sat up and made a grimace as the pain hit her side, "You what! When?"
"After Dr. Kovaks took over in the emergency room I walked out to see him, his family and your team all standing around in the hall outside the waiting room. I asked how this could happen at your Captain's funeral with police all around and he came up and started to tell me that he tried to stop it when I pushed him into the wall and told him it was all his fault."
"Josh!"
"What? If he hadn't opened the case, you would never have been shot. If he didn't push you into going there for his damn stories you wouldn't be here now." He stopped and took a deep breath. "Kate, when are you going to realize that Castle is just using you and doesn't give a damn about you?"
Shaking her head Kate said, "That's not true Josh. He cares. He cares more than you know."
"Kate…"
"He came to me the night before Captain Montgomery was killed. He came to get me to stop, not to throw my life away. When I told him it was my life to do with as I please he asked 'what about those who love you?' and mentioned my dad and you."
"So?"
Looking down at her hands, Kate quietly said, "So I asked what about him."
"What do you mean, what about him?"
"He asked about people who love me Josh. He mentioned my dad and he mentioned you, but he didn't mention himself."
Josh just stared at her and after a minute asked, "Himself?"
"Yes Josh, himself. I'm with him for hours and hours every day and I see the way he looks at me, the way he does things for me, the way he takes care of me…the way he loves me."
"You're fooling yourself if you think for one moment…"
"No Josh. He's shown me every day for two years how much he cares, that he does love me, and when I was shot he…" she stopped speaking as she realized what she said.
Looking at her intently Josh asked, "He what Kate? I thought you didn't remember."
Raising her eyes from her hands, she looked into his eyes and said, "I do remember Josh. I relive it every night in my sleep and I think about it all day long."
Quietly, knowing what she was going to say but hoping he was wrong, Josh asked, "What did he say Kate?"
"He said he loved me."
Sitting back in the chair, Josh put his hand to his face and rubbed them over it. Wishing he could erase the words she just said out of his memory. Wishing that the bullet had missed Kate and hit Castle. Wishing…wishing he were anywhere else than here.
"Josh."
He put his hands down and looked at Kate. From her expression he knew that she believed what Castle told her. She wanted to believe it and she wanted it to be true, just as he wanted it to be false.
"He's lying Kate. His history shows he's incapable of loving anyone, and if he said it when you were shot, there's an ulterior motive. He isn't real Kate, not like me. I'm real, I'm a future, he's…he's a dead end Kate. A hack writer who uses his money to get what he wants. He'll use you Kate, and then throw you away."
He placed his hand on the bed again and said, "I'll never do that Kate. I'll always be here for you, I'll always do what's best for you. I'll always treat you the way you want. Haven't I been doing that since I gave up going to Haiti?"
"Josh, I…"
"Kate, don't give up something with substance, something of value for a lie. Don't give up on us because of what you think he said."
"Think he said?"
"Kate, you'd just been shot and your body was going into shock. He could have said the sky was blue and you wouldn't know for sure."
Kate looked at Josh and tried to impress with her features how important these words were to her and how much she believed in them when she said, "No Josh, he did say it, and he does mean it."
Sighing, Josh asked, "Then why did you send him away after just a few minutes?"
"Because I need time."
"Time for what?"
"Time to remember the person I used to be. Time to heal and fix what's broken inside. Time to be the person who deserves his love, to tear down the walls I put up all those years ago. The walls that keep everyone out. The walls that kept you out Josh."
"What walls? Kate, we're so good together."
"How can we know Josh? This last week since I was shot is the most we've seen each other in almost two months! We're trying to hold onto a long distance relationship and we live in the same city!"
She put her hand on his and said, "Josh, it's been over for a while now, I'm sorry but there is nothing here I want to save…other than our friendship."
Josh pulled his hand away and stood up. Looking down at Kate, he felt the hurt, felt even more how pathetic being friends sounded to him. He could never be friends with Kate; she was so much more than that. His voice was flat when he said, "Yeah Kate, that would be good."
"Josh, I'm sorry…"
Looking at his watch he said, "Sorry Kate, but I have rounds to make soon." He headed for the door but turned around to look at her when he touched the handle. "I'm sorry too Kate. I wish you the best, but I'm afraid that all you'll get is pain."
He opened the door and started out but turned around one more time, "Try to stay safe Kate," he said, and then walked into the hallway and out of her life.
Kate sat back in her pillow and wondered why she didn't feel upset, feel bad about breaking up. She felt worse when she broke up with Demming, telling him that he wasn't what she was looking for…and they never got any further than kissing. Other than Josh, the only long term, physical relationship she had was with Will, and his leaving hurt a lot. But this, this breakup didn't and she had to think about that for a while.
Soon she realized she didn't feel bad about breaking up with Josh because she already felt more for someone else, and she had for a long time. His words at the cemetery only added to her feelings for him, her need to be healed, and become what he deserved. The words Castle spoke didn't feel as heavy as they did before, and she felt like calling him.
But she was tired. The time with Josh was so emotional, so draining, that any reserves she had were gone, and really, she still wasn't ready to jump into anything with Castle, not yet anyway. Maybe she'd wait till she was up at her dad's place. With another week of rest, clean air and quiet days.
Pressing the controls by her side, she lowered the bed and closed her eyes, hoping the dreams were better now than they've been. 'Not tomorrow, but in a few days, a week at most,' she thought to herself. 'I'll call him then. When I'm feeling better. When I've cleared my mind. When I'm feeling stronger and more myself.'
She smiled and thought, 'Only three more days and I'll be out of here. Free to heal, free to grow and free to move on. In a week, maybe two, I'll be ready to face him again, to respond to his words, respond to his feelings. When I'll be ready to move on…'
Move on to someone she could definitely hold on to and just jump into life with. Soon, soon she'll be ready, and then she'll call Castle.
.
.
.
AUTHORS NOTE: I sat in front of my pc to work on Is Forever Possible and silently watched the seconds turn to minutes as nothing came out. Nada. Blank mind to go along with blank screen. Then my muse decides she wants to go somewhere else, kinda like making all sorts of reservations at the fanciest restaurant and then your date decides she doesn't want to go there and picks someplace else instead. Whatever the reason this story came out. I have been thinking on and off since last spring about writing the Kate / Josh breakup, but every time I started to write, it came out really bad and I deleted it. Hopefully none of you will suggest I should have done that with this.