Fire In My Hands

by Mychelle in a Wonderland

Garak never really understood the incapacity that Humans seemed to have in keeping the punctuality in an informal compromise. But in that case, he could make an effort to understand; Captain Sisko was a busy man. / ENGLISH VERSION / Gen

Disclaimer: The Star Trek franchise was created by Gene Roddenberry and belonged to him and now belong to a bunch of people, and to Paramount; I don't own nothing here. This story was made only for fun; I didn't make any money on this.

Summary: Garak never really understood the incapacity that Humans seemed to have in keeping the punctuality in an informal compromise. But in that case, he could make an effort to understand; Captain Sisko was a busy man.

Universe: Star Trek – Deep Space Nine (DS9).

Warnings: Before anything, I have the obligation to say that English is NOT my native language and this story didn't have a beta reader. Therefore, the following text may have some gross grammatical mistakes. So, if you really want to read... you're warned! :D

(Also, if you see some of these errors and want to let me know, I would really appreciate it. It's always good to correct my grammatical mistakes when I can.)

N.A.: The title it's from the song "Lucky Man", by The Verve, because I heard it a lot when I was writing it.

I apologize if any character is OOC; this is never my intention, but sometimes it's hard to found the character's voice accurately.

Spoilers for "In The Pale Moonlight", "For the Uniform", and in some ways, "Afterimage". I would dare say that it's quite necessary to have watched the said episodes to fully understand the story.

Rated: K+.

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Fire In My Hands

By Mychelle in a Wonderland

X_X_X

For the second time in almost fifteen minutes, Garak checked the time; it had been over twenty minutes since the time appointed for the meeting.

Garak sighed, resigned; he never really understood the incapacity that Humans seemed to have in keeping the punctuality in an informal compromise.

But in that case, Garak could make an effort to understand; Captain Sisko was a busy man.

Leaning in one of the sides of the counter, Garak pondered if he should reduce the illumination in his shop for the Cardassian lighting, instead of all that bright lights that characterized the standard lighting of the Federation, that always increased his headaches in the end of the day; after all, his shop was already closed for business.

But he knew that the Cardassian's standard lighting was considered dark for Humans and it could easily make them frightened or annoyed, and since that he wasn't sure about exactly what Sisko wanted to talk, he opted for keep the Federation lighting on.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the bip of his shop's door.

"Come in" – Garak said, softly; a few seconds later, Sisko walked in his shop, and the doors closed behind him.

"Captain" – Garak nodded in his direction, a polite smile in his face – "Sit down, please."

"Mr. Garak" – Sisko greeted him briefly, and the he sat, his expression carefully guarded.

Garak sat too, and they kept their eyes in each other in what seemed to be a long time, as if challenging the other to look away first, and they remained in silence, until Garak sighed, almost dramatically, and said, without breaking visual contact:

"Captain, I don't think you came in here today because you need to buy a new suit, so I have to ask, what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

Sisko ignored the sarcasm in Garak's words, but he looked away, his hands moving restless in his lap.

"I was contacted by Starfleet a few hours ago."

Garak waited for Sisko to elaborate; when he didn't, he said:

"Well, as the Captain of a space station in the center of an interplanetary war, I think it's only normal that the Starfleet command wants to talk with you regularly" – Sisko glared at his direction, but Garak ignored him – "But tell me, Captain, what exactly this have to do with me."

Sisko sighed. He looked tired; there were dark circles under his eyes, and his gestures seemed to be slower than normal. Garak supposed that it had been a while since he last had an undisturbed night of sleep.

"They asked me to be the mediator between them and you for a proposal" – Sisko said, his jaw clenched; it was obvious that he was not happy with such arrangement.

However, there was something in Sisko's voice that aroused caution in Garak, and he had to ask:

"Can I assume that the subject is unrelated with our former transaction, Captain?" – Garak's voice was friendly, but each word was charged with a dosage of venom and menace that didn't go unnoticed by Sisko, who didn't look intimidated, but crossed his arms before answering:

"Of course not. You know better than me that my hands are tied in this matter" – He glared at Garak again, but soon enough the weariness returned to his face – "Although I suspect that they know about what happened."

Garak raised an eyebrow ridge at Sisko, almost automatically:

"Care to elaborate, Captain?"

A bitter smirk appeared in Sisko's face, and his expression lost much of the weariness that he was showing earlier. Garak had seen this kind of smile several times, in several different people, and it only made him feel more cautious than he already was.

"They talk with me in a different way since the incident with Senator Vreenak. A mix of…" – Sisko rubbed his chin, as if he was looking for the right words – "Fear and respect. Some loathing, perhaps" – he laughed, and there wasn't any humor in his laughter – "And I see it happening even between my own crew."

Garak opened his mouth to say something, but Sisko raised a hand and continued:

"No, no one really knows about what we did. There's mistrust, sure, but no one really knows what happened here. Although I keep catching doctor Bashir giving me the oddest looks when he thinks I'm not paying attention. You, Garak, wouldn't happen to know something about it, right?" – Sisko narrowed his eyes toward Garak.

Garak smiled, the corners of his mouth slowly rising in his face; he knew that this smile in particular always made Sisko want to punch him.

"Captain, captain... why would I know something about it?"

The fact was that Garak knew, of course. After all, it was him who told the entire event to Julian. He was still surprised with himself every time that he remembered; his long training in the Obsidian Order protesting the fact that Garak had told such a dangerous and compromising secret without any caution.

Garak still remembered the doctor's big eyes widening even more and his face assuming a gloomy expression when Garak told him everything that he and his commanding officer did to guarantee the entry of the Romulans in the war. Julian didn't recriminate him, and that frankly surprised Garak a little, but he could see that the young doctor harbored a certain disappointment with his captain, and it was only normal that he would reflect it in a way that Sisko would notice.

Not that Garak needed to confirm it to Sisko, of course.

Sisko stared at him for a few more seconds, his face a scowl:

"You and the doctor are known for having a close friendship. I thought that, perhaps, you had dropped a hint for him." – Garak only smiled in an indulgent way, and Sisko rolled his eyes – "Right, stupid question. I don't suppose that you would volunteer such a big secret like this in free will, without anything to gain."

Sisko sighed and lowered his eyes for a few moments, and then looked up again, fixing his eyes on Garak:

"It's not something that can be proved, I believe, but there is suspicion about what we did." – Sisko, once again, glared murderously at Garak, what made Garak sigh almost theatrically:

"Captain, don't tell me that your conscience is still troubling you for what we did. It was necessary, and you know it."

Sisko didn't interrupt the visual contact, so Garak could see in his eyes the moment that the captain snapped and his anger was directed at him:

"Damn it, Garak, don't you dare talk to me like that! I know, it's obvious that I know that it was necessary, but it won't make me think that it's right to murder innocent people." – He finished, his eyes flashing with pure hatred.

"Innocent lives are always lost in war, Captain, in one way or another." – Garak said, his voice sounding genuinely sad – "But it's not like you weren't used to make sacrifices to achieve a goal."

Sisko crossed his arms, his body entirely put in a defensive posture, and he arched a brow at Garak:

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Well, for what I heard" – Garak's words were said in a conversational tone, as if he was chatting with a client – "Your… methods for the capture of Mr. Eddington, some time ago, seemed to be out of the highly proclaimed morality of the Federation. Not that I am criticizing you; according with the reports, your actions were brilliant, Captain."

Sisko paled with the words, but soon enough he flushed with anger:

"That mission was confidential. How the hell did you hear about it, Garak?"

The smile in Garak's face was clearly mocking now:

"My dear Captain, the security codes of reports said confidential by Starfleet are laughable. In a time of war, I would advise to improve this aspect of internal security as soon as possible."

In all truth, Garak only felt motivated to find something about the story when he heard Julian saying that the capture of Michael Eddington wasn't done exactly in traditional terms, and it picked up Garak's curiosity, so he looked until he found exactly what happened in that mission.

At the time, it was only a curiosity, an almost useless knowledge for him, but now, seeing Sisko fuming with rage, opening and closing his fists as if he wanted to punch Garak over and over again and was barely restraining himself, Garak mentally congratulated himself and smiled wider, just to annoy Sisko even more; with the way that the Captain reacted, it was just irresistible.

After longer seconds, Sisko seemed to recover and said, gritting his teeth:

"It was a risk maneuver, but after some struggle with myself, in the end I saw it was inevitable. And I talk about both events here – it was incredibly hard. It isn't easy for me like it seems to be for you to simple eliminate the life of a person simply because it's convenient for a cause. Call whatever you want to, Garak, but me – and most Humans in general – have a hard time in denying the simple right of living for someone, even when a 'great good' is involved."

"I understand, Captain. My time living between Humans taught me that your people have a hard time in understanding alien cultural barriers and alien cultural morals and in differencing it of your own." – Garak said, in a patronizing tone.

Sisko snorted, still clearly tetchy, but didn't offered any answer.

"This is not the reason I'm here. As I said, yes, there's some suspicion about what really happened with Senator Vreenak, and in a way, that's probably why I'm here. Garak, the Starfleet have a proposal for you."

Garak was able to hide his confusion, and he just blinked a couple of times, his eyes fixed in Sisko's:

"What kind of proposal?"

Sisko leaned forward in his chair, closer to Garak than he was, and said very slowly:

"Starfleet wants to, officially, request your decoding skills and your knowledge in Cardassian internal subjects to help the Federation and allies in defeating the Dominion in this war. Unofficially, Starfleet wants you to decode Cardassian's communications sent between Cardassia Prime and the Founders, so they can have more details about what the Dominion are planning."

"Starfleet wants me to help them to spy against my own people." Garak said as soon as the Captain closed his mouth, reading between the lines of what he said.

Sisko sighed, and said:

"Starfleet wants your help to end this war. Find new outposts, plans of attack – any sensitive information would be of vital importance, and you know it."

Garak smirked, not bothering in keeping the cynicism out of his voice:

"I know, Captain. Just like you know that, if I do it, I will be consequently condemning hundreds of Cardassians, altogether with those plans."

Sisko straightened up in the chair:

"Should I report that you refused?"

This time, Garak really laughed; it wasn't a kind laugh.

"Captain, we're alone here. We can drop the formality. You know very well, just like I know, that in the moment that I refuse this proposal, Starfleet will be ready to send my head into a plate for the Dominion."

Sisko frowned, and looked like he was caught by surprise.

"They made it quite clear that you had freedom to choose whatever you want."

"And again, we both know what it means, don't we?" – Garak kept a smile in his face – "I'm a dangerous man, Captain. A very dangerous man, with several abilities. The Dominion certainly won't want me alive, and the Federation will only want me around as long as I'm useful."

"The Federation doesn't act like that, Garak" – Sisko said, his voice firm, but his corporal expression didn't look as confident as his words sounded.

"This is the way of any organization to act when faced with dangers that they're not ready for, Captain. Fear affects any judgment and makes the so proclaimed pacifism looks outdated. In times like this, what matters to an individual is his utility. Your Federation is not different, Captain, and even hearing your objections, I think you know very well that, if I want to remain in this station, I can't afford the luxury of not being useful."

Garak raised, his eyes never leaving Sisko's:

"Captain, you can inform your superiors that I accept the proposal."

Sisko looked at him; he seemed divided and fatigued, and he also seemed like he wanted to say something, but soon enough he shook his head, rising from his chair:

"I will communicate your decision to them." – After these words, Sisko headed for the shop's door, but before he could leave, Garak's voice, sounding pensive, made him turn back.

"I just think it is… curious, Captain."

Sisko arched a brow:

"I beg your pardon?"

"Ironic, perhaps. Seems like the adequate expression. Just a few minutes ago, you were berating me for not giving enough value to individual life when faced with a complicated situation. I believe you even lectured me a little about the rights that an individual have in his life aren't simply eliminated for you like they are for me, and just look at the proposal that your Federation just handed me."

Sisko opened his mouth to talk, but before he could say a word, Garak continued:

"Well, congratulations, Captain. In the end, it seems we both aren't so different, like you so desperately want to believe."

Garak saw Sisko clenching his fists, fighting to keep control, and directing at him that glare that, in more than one occasion, Garak saw that was able to reduce Commanders and Lieutenants to nervous Cadets.

But Garak wasn't one of Sisko's subordinates, so he insisted in keeping eye contact.

"In your dreams, Garak" – Sisko headed to the exit, before he could give in the impulse of hitting the Cardassian.

Garak only smiled, in an almost maniac way, and waited until he was sure that Sisko was away, and just then he let his expression become serious; he only said that to annoy Sisko, but he was filled with horror when he noticed that there was some truth in the words that he said to the Captain, and Garak never was too good in dealing with truth.

That's why he didn't allow himself to immediately think about all the implications that his decision would bring to his life; he was anything but naïve, and he just knew that betraying Cardassian in those circumstances would have terrible consequences for himself. But it wasn't the time to think about it; the future of Cardassia was in stake, and the last thing he needed to do right now is think about his own feelings and desires.

Shaking his head to himself, Garak finished closing his shop, ready to return to his quarters. Until the end of this week, he certainly would be helping the Federation against the Dominion, betraying Cardassia once more in his life, this time with the minuscule, tiny hope of saving it. It even sounded noble in his mind.

And how very… Human.

Honestly, he thought to himself, you have to be careful, Elim. The coexistence with those Humans it's almost making you one of them.

The End

A.N. ²: The mention of Garak telling Julian about the events of "In The Pale Moonlight" it's, if I recall well, canon. Or sort of. It's been a few months since I last read "A Stitch in Time", but I'm pretty sure that it's said that Garak told about it all for Julian.

Again, I'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes, and I thank you for reading it!