Selfless Love

No. I'm not that selfish.

Silas smiled grimly to himself, recalling Leliana's words, spoken just before she stepped aside and let him finish off Raleigh. He wasn't a violent man by nature, but killing that scum had been a single glorious act of liberation. How he had suffered at the man's hands, how he had trembled on hearing Raleigh's steps down there in the dungeons. And now he was free. And he was on his way to thank the woman who had made this possible.

"Come in." Her high, girlish voice bid him enter in heavily accented Fereldan.

She had been reading, he saw, curled up on the bed in her room at the wayside inn where they had decided to rest for the night. Without her magnificent leather armour, she looked different, younger and softer, and he realized with a start she probably wasn't much older than twenty.

"Silas!" she was smiling up at him, putting aside her book and getting up to greet him.

For a second he felt awkward, standing so close to her, the room suddenly too small, but then he found his voice. "I owe you more than just thanks, Leliana. For freeing me. For letting me..."

She shook her head, saving him from having to spell it out. "It's fine, Silas. He was yours by right." She took his hand. "How are you now?"

His wounds had healed, and though he was still painfully thin, his body had recovered remarkably well from the time spent in Raleigh's dungeons. But they both knew that wasn't what she meant. He shivered, whether from her touch or from the memory of what he'd been through, he couldn't say. For weeks there had been nothing but the thought of vengeance, but now that Raleigh was gone, a whole panoply of feelings assaulted him. Relief, hope, fear of what the future might bring - it was all too much and he needed something to hold on to. For a second he gripped her hand hard, then he took a deep breath. "Good. Better than good. Ready to move on."

"That is good to hear." She didn't let go of his hand. "Are you still determined to serve the Chantry?"

He nodded. "I spoke to Mother Dorothea before we left. I'll be a lay brother at first, but she thinks they might consider me for Templar training. I'm a little older than their usual recruits, but you know that I can handle a sword." She smiled at his words, recalling several instances during the last few weeks when he had stepped in to save her life.

"And you?" His voice carried sincere concern. "Do you have plans?"

"Me? Nobody cares what I want." She was trying to sound nonchalant, but she couldn't bear to look into his clear grey eyes, dreading their perceptiveness.

"But you should care!" All of a sudden it seemed vitally important to make her see reason, to save her from herself. He gripped her shoulders hard and her eyes widened with apprehension. "You can do whatever you want, Leliana. You're young, strong, beautiful..."

He almost shook her, but her brief cry of pain immediately brought him to his senses and he let go of her, raising his hand to cover his eyes. "I... I'm sorry. I had no right to shout at you."

"You have every right. We're friends, aren't we?" Her voice was shaky with emotion, and he realized with a pang that her words were true. A bond had grown between them in just a few short weeks. Which wasn't surprising maybe, considering all they'd gone through together.

"Silas?" He looked up to find her clear blue eyes fixed on him, a faint blush on her cheeks. "Do you really think I'm beautiful?"

He took a deep breath. "Of course I do. I'm not a Chantry Brother yet, you know." He tried to keep his tone light, but he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"No, you aren't." Slowly she reached out, trailing her fingers along his stubbly jaw, and he inhaled sharply.

"Leliana..." He caught her hand between his and breathed a soft kiss on her palm. "You are beautiful inside and out."

She trembled at the touch of his lips and he pulled her into his arms without thinking. Leliana held her breath, realizing the smallest noise would shatter the mood. Silas' lips found hers, and he kissed her, shyly at first, then more deeply and urgently. She leaned into his kiss, wishing he would never stop.

But he pulled back with a sigh. "Let me stay with you tonight. Not... you know..." He fumbled for the right words, fearful of her reaction. "Just... to hold you. I don't want to be alone."

She gave him a long searching look, then nodded. "All right."

They settled on the bed together, his arms around her, her face hidden in the crook of his neck. Leliana snuggled against his warmth. He felt nice. Strong. Safe.

"It's been a long time since I last held a woman in my arms." His tone was uncertain, and his lips trembled as he kissed her forehead.

Leliana laughed softly. "It's been a long time since I was last held by a man."

Things fell into place then, Marjolaine's taunts, Leliana's agitation at meeting her former mentor, her silence since their encounter on the Blighted Cliffs.

Silas blushed. "Oh. I see. But you... Is it all right..."

"It's more than all right, Silas." She pulled him close to her again. "Please don't let go. Hold me."

Again he kissed her, breathing in her intoxicating scent, giving himself up to that single perfect moment. She tasted so good, of flowers and wind and sunshine, all the things he'd thought he would never see or feel again during those long months down there in Raleigh's dungeons. And she felt so soft, her skin was so silky...

Silas swallowed hard, closing his eyes, and Leliana watched his face in utter fascination, trying to read his thoughts on his handsome, chiselled features. He had been striking, even when she first saw him down in the dungeons, covered in grime and half starved. A strong face, a good face, determined and yet thoughtful. A man a girl could fall for, a man to spend your life with. Stop it, Leliana! She mentally chastised herself for these thoughts. There would never be more than this, there couldn't be. He was going to build a new life for himself in the Chantry, and she had her own devils to deal with. He deserved so much more than what she could give him. And yet... She sighed and let her mind drift, slowly trailing off to sleep.

He held her tight all through the night, and both slept more peacefully than they had in a long time. In the morning, Leliana untangled herself carefully from the sheets, anxious not to wake him. His sleeping face was relaxed, the lines that edged it smoothed out by the night's rest. For a second the temptation was almost overwhelming. Wake him. Kiss him. Stay with him. But then she shook herself and stepped back, grabbing her pack and leaving the room with a last longing look back.

No. I'm not that selfish.

Hugs and thanks to zevgirl for another awesome beta job! The lovely cover pic was drawn for me by chenria.