My name is Padua. My first ever bit of writing. Can't help it, have got to try.
Sister Bernadette managed to hold back the tears as she entered the reception area of the Sanitarium and tried not to listen to the sound of Doctor Turner's car leaving for Poplar. She now concentrated all her efforts into quieting her ragged breathing. "I will not give way now" she thought.
The receptionist recognised her at once, "Oh hello Sister Bernadette, we've been expecting you. You remember me don't you? You helped mum when our Bertie had his sickness",
"Hello Anne-Marie, how are all the family? I hope Bertie's a little better now?"
"Much better thank you."
A man made his way towards them from a corridor beyond.
"Doctor Smith! Here's our new patient, Sister Bernadette from Nonnatus House".
The doctor escorted her into a large, pleasant office and motioned her to sit.
"Welcome to St Anne's Sister Bernadette, Doctor Turner called me last night...
(why did even hearing his name hurt so much?)
...and filled me in on your situation. Try not to worry, we have a very good record of recovery here. Now if you could just fill in some details for me."
When Sister Julienne arrived that evening, she found Bernadette sitting thoughtfully in her room. It was slightly larger than her room at the convent, and much lighter and airier. The young nun had put her few possessions on the side table, one of which she kept hidden under her pillow: Timothy's drawing of them both. Doctor Turner had kept it in his briefcase for days. He had touched it. It was very precious.
"How are you settling in?"
"Fine, thank you sister, Matron told me I'm to sit completely still for at least two hours - even reading is forbidden".
"The complete rest aspect of your treatment may well prove to be the hardest for you Sister! I have been noticing for some time now that you are very restless, even at prayer times. Would now be a good moment for us to talk a little more about what has been upsetting you?"
Bernadette's face was a picture of agony as she looked at the older nun's kind face. Her blue eyes were close to tears.
"I'll try, but I have to tell you that you won't like what you are about to hear."
"Sister, how you can say that to me, after all the challenges our sisters have to face every day in our work? I doubt anything you say will shock me."
Heartened by these words, Bernadette opened out her hands on her lap and stroked the scar on the left palm, before whispering,
"I love Doctor Turner." She found she could not look up.
Silence.
"I have tried not to love him, but nothing I do has had any effect. And now out of the blue, I have this illness, and I'm terrified that it is a punishment from God." A single tear splashed onto her hand.
Sister Julienne always prided herself on keeping a calm countenance but it was proving quite an effort this time.
"Sister, how can say such a thing? That is not the God we believe in! You know this very well. Your illness was most likely contracted because of your working conditions. But let's get back to your first statement about the Doctor. Do you imagine you are the first of us to fall in love? I suspected it was something of the sort."
"Aren't you angry with me?"
"I know you too well to think that you have indulged yourself with these feelings. You have always been such a disciplined young nun. And I realize that you would never deliberately put yourself in the way of temptation, it would be completely out of character. Do you have any idea of the Doctor returning these feelings?"
Sister Julienne looked at her very intently as she waited for the reply.
"Oh no, nothing has happened. He is always so kind and respectful towards me. Although he did kiss my hand..." her eyes looked into the distance as she remembered it. It was constantly replaying in her mind.
"What prompted that?"
"It was after I cut it - during the three-legged race, I think it was all my fault sister really I do. Sometimes I find I have been staring at him, and have this strange inability to take my eyes away. I think it may have confused him."
"That troublesome fair, it has caused us all a great deal of discomfort, one way or another! Hmmm I need to think about this...but stop worrying sister, this is not the end of the world. And stop blaming yourself, you are human after all."
She paused and then said rather quietly and gently,
"I could not imagine having to part with you, but you know - you have not made your final vows. You are quite free to leave us if that is what the Lord wants. These months at the Sanitarium may prove to be a time of healing for you in more ways than one. Please God. Let His will be done. You will only find peace when you know what He is asking of you. But remember, marriage and family life can be every bit as challenging as our life is."
"Thank you sister. But I don't believe he loves me. He is naturally still devastated about his wife's death, I am probably just a distraction of sorts."
It pained her to say these words, and she suddenly realised that there was nothing she wanted more than his love.
Despite the sadness and guilt she felt, it seemed to Bernadette that a great weight had been lifted from her. Perhaps God wanted her here for a reason. Her treatment would start tomorrow, and she no longer felt so afraid. For the first time in many weeks, she was able to complete her Evening Prayers peacefully and slept deeply that afternoon.