"When Leaving is Better"
By: AnjelLove
So uhmm...sorry for posting a draft-like trash the last Tuesday. Here's a better version. I hope you guys will find time to read it, favorite it and review it. Thanks everyone :)
If there is one thing people always say about me, is that I never cried.
x.x
"Is there a problem?" I asked him for the third time.
He looked at me with his blood-red eyes.
"Nothing." He says simply and starts to walk ahead.
I can't help the frown marring my face. I look at him and try to observe him. His eyes are redder…like he just cried. But why?
I took a glance at him again and sighed. He needs time. I can't help the feeling of uneasiness building up inside me. There's something…I know it, I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I stopped walking for a moment, "Can you tell me now, what's going on?" I tried. He stopped too. Our eyes met and I knew finally, there is really something.
"I want to be alone." Natsume finally said.
I'm not dense and never was I invincible of pain and bitterness. It's just that the mind knows that it's not worth the tears and my heart…well, it just agrees to the mind.
It started when I was a kid, six years old. Fresh, cute and charming. I've always wanted to make friends with everyone, that was my goal. But one day I found out that almost half of my classmates are backstabbing me. I cried for a whole day. I refused to go to school and from then on I promised I'll be stronger. I'll never shed a tear for stupid things.
Yeah, so it's a really silly story that I did not make up.
But this is not where our story focuses…
My whole life in the Alice Academy revolved around mainly in two things, my studies and my friends. No more, no less.
I'm contented with improving myself, being someone who achieves things and climbs higher and higher with my determination and will power. Because for me, all I ever want is to get out of here and live my life.
Oh and by the way, I'm Sakura Mikan. Your average student who always keeps low profile. Living mysteriously but at the same time not-so-mysterious. Meaning, no one ever tries to look at me because I look uninteresting and atrocious. Maybe that's why Hotaru always tells me that I'll end up growing alone, dying alone and live my whole life in sadness wallowing myself in pity.
But of course, that's not true. Like any other girl I've always wanted to experience having a boyfriend, going to dates and well…probably get married and live a happily ever after!
x.x
The thing is…life gets unexpected for real!
It was the start of my senior year in high school. All is well. That is, until I met this guy. He's irritating but at the same time funny. Then he gets all too serious then another minute his already getting on my nerves. I'm telling you, I detest him so much that it makes me want to tear off the smirk in his face every time he finds me doing something he never expects me to do.
I could proudly say that he's a jerk and a sloth but nevertheless, he's still smart. I don't get what's going on his mind but somehow I got along with him. Well, who wouldn't want to be with him? He's Natsume Hyuuga –slash- the most beautiful person who's walking this earth –slash- the best boyfriend you'll ever have –slash- yeah…that's him.
And with all the girls surrounding him, ogling and crushing him, I never thought he'd look my way. The way of a girl who was, in the first place, never took an interest in him.
I could still remember that one time when Hotaru demanded me to go with her (through blackmail), along with Ruka and Natsume (much to my dismay). And though I don't want to be involved to any of Natsume's schemes, I decided to take the pathway to hell and accompany my best friend. (Because I'm such a great friend!)
They left us, ahemm, set us up to be alone. Just me, him, and no one else.
"Just tell me what you want to say." I groaned. Impatience lacing my voice. It's been an hour since we sat on this corner of the restaurant and he's looking so pale (I thought he's sick but his not!) and he's just staring at me the whole time.
"I want to tell you…"
"Just say it-."
"Shut up." He said. I looked at him. Okay so...He's dead serious. And he continued, "I like you. So I'm going to court you whether you like it or not."
For the first time. I don't know what to say. I'm so speechless that I ended up staring at him like a dumb girl.
Hey, what's up? There's a smokin' hot guy who's head over heels in love with a nobody like me? Who're you kidding?
But he was persistent, no matter how much I made him feel that I don't want to. That I don't want him.
I hate him. I detest his ways. But I don't know what's gotten into me that I…I, Mikan Sakura, fell in love to Natsume Hyuuga.
The romance part was easy. The "keeping intact" part was the hard one. Things get too tacky when it comes to me.
I'm never used to "having a boyfriend", it's all alien to me. It gets too hard to balance everything else, that sometimes I get to ask myself, "Did I made the right choice?" But no matter what answer I get, I took an atom of oxygen and tell myself, stand up for your own decisions.
I love him. And he loves me. That's the only thing that matters.
But it was never easy.
I know in myself that the problem is me. I'm trying to keep everything intact so hard that it just keeps on falling apart. Until it came to a point where scotch tapes, glue guns or mighty bonds are not enough anymore.
I knew all too well that it would come…
If there is one thing people always say about me, is that I never cried.
x.x
"I want to be alone." Natsume finally said.
But it's not true.
I'm not dense. I'm not invincible to pain. I'm hurt to.
"Oh." Was the only thing I was able to say.
I continued to walk, trying to comprehend what he's trying to say. This part of my life is called, "the in denial Stage". I do not want to admit that he is asking for a break up.
The thing is, I just never let people see a crying me so that they'll never think I'm weak.
I continued to walk in silence. And this deafening silence is just killing me as I can feel him waiting for what I have to say.
x.x
"What's really wrong? Seriously, just tell me." I told him.
"Did I do something wrong? Or was I lacking?" I was startled at his question.
"What?" I asked back.
He looked up and tried to fight the tears back. It was the first time I saw Natsume in this state. And I don't know what to say.
"Because you always choose your friends and other matters over me." he said again. "Was I not enough?"
I didn't know what to say.
"That's not it. It was not you, it's me. In fact, I should be the one to say sorry because I never even exerted effort for you." I tried to reason with him.
It's because I'm a selfish conceited brat who only thinks of herself, that's why.
But he never once looked convinced. His silence greeted me. And it hurts more when his not saying anything at all. I wish I could hear his thoughts. But we continued to walk to the train station in silence.
Finally, I decided to break the silence. "So what do you want to do?" I asked.
"I want to be alone. I need time and space…I want to find myself and that thing that's lacking."
"Oh."
More silence engulfed us.
"What now? At least say something." He growled out frustrated.
I sighed. "I'm thinking." I said.
We were already at the entrance of the train station when I've come to a decision.
I felt him intertwining his hand with mine, maybe for the last time, as he stopped me from walking further.
I smiled at him. "Good luck with finding yourself." I said. Finally, I saw him not with a smirk but a sad, sad smile.
"I'm sorry." He muttered and enveloped me in his arms. I savored the last moments of his warmth. "Thank you and I love you." He said.
Slowly untangling myself with him, "You should go home." I gently said and walked away…away from the only man I loved.
I turned around before going inside the station and watched his figure slowly fade from my sight.
It's probably the best thing for the both of us.
I'm not strong. I never was, I was just pretending to be.
I sat on the isolated part of the train and felt the tears slip out of my eyes.
I'm not dense.
I cry too. In fact, I cry a lot.
I don't know what will happen next. This temporary goodbye can be permanent, then again, he said he loves me.
Maybe, I just have to wait for a second chance. And this time, I'll be stronger for him.
End.
A/N: Comments are welcome :)