Summary: A retelling of the Trojan War with a focus on Achilles, Patroclus, Hector, Apollo, Menelaus, and Paris. I drew a lot of inspiration from The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. If you get the chance, read that book. It's informative and heartfelt, and you will cry.

Pairings: Mainly USCan and GerIta. Brief mentions of SuFin. The rest is kinda ambiguous, but there's some France/Joan of Arc, FrSey, UKSey, maybe even FrUK if you choose to see it that way.

Warnings: Some language, mentions of sex, rape, and violence. Nothing too bad. You might be confused if you're not familiar with Greek mythology and the Trojan War, but I tried my best to make it clear. Oh, and I made them speak bits of their respective languages from the anime. It makes no sense, but it's harder to identify the characters without it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, and I obviously don't own the story of the Trojan War either. Also, I don't claim that all the facts given in this story are accurate. I'll try to elaborate and give my sources at the end of each chapter.

Chapter 1: The Judgment of Paris

Here's a character guide for this chapter just in case you can't tell who someone is or aren't familiar with Greek mythology.

Zeus/Russia: king of the gods, ruler of the sky and lightning

Hera/Belarus: Zeus's sister and wife, goddess of marriage and childbirth

Demeter/Ukraine: Zeus's sister, goddess of the harvest

Athena/Hungary: daughter of Zeus, goddess of wisdom and war strategy

Aphrodite/Belgium: goddess of love and beauty

Ares/Prussia: son of Zeus and Hera, god of war

Apollo/North Italy: son of Zeus and Leto, god of light, music, poetry, prophecy, truth, and healing

Artemis/South Italy: Apollo's twin, goddess (and in this story, god) of hunting, chastity, and the moon

Paris/France: prince of Troy, most beautiful man on Earth

Helen/Seychelles: queen of Sparta, most beautiful woman on Earth

Oenone/Joan of Arc: a lovely nymph, Paris's lover

Peleus/Sweden: king of the Myrmidons, husband of Thetis

Thetis/Finland: a shape-shifting sea nymph, wife of Peleus

Hermes: messenger god, also the god of thieves

Eris: goddess of discord

Mount Olympus, home of the gods

When one lives forever, it becomes understandably necessary to celebrate something once in a while, just to break up the monotony. So the marriage of the mortal king Peleus to his lovely bride Thetis, a sea nymph, seemed good enough a reason for all the gods on Olympus to take a break from the drudgery and throw a party. Wine flowed from Dionysus's cup, the Graces enchanted everyone with their dancing, and Apollo's lyre and sweet singing filled the room.

"The world is made of precious flour and water! When I look up to the empty sky, I see lightly floating macaroni—"

"What the hell are you singing about now?"

"Oh, fratello!" The god of music paused in his song and beamed at his twin, Artemis. "It's a new song about this food I just invented! I call it pasta!"

Artemis, the eternal virgin, was hardly ever in a good mood at a wedding. And he always made sure that everyone knew it. "You can't even eat mortal food, you moron."

"I know, but I think it could be really good! Maybe I'll introduce it to the humans in a few hundred years~"

"Great. Well in the meantime, why don't you sing something more fitting for the occasion? Like a funeral dirge."

"Ve, that's not very nice, fratello. Look how happy the couple is!"

The twins looked over to Peleus and Thetis, and even Apollo had to admit that they clearly weren't happy. For his part, the mortal king was obviously crazy about his new bride, but his intimidating face and great stature made her shrink away from him. Or rather, it made him shrink away from him.

"Thetis has shape shifted into a man."

"Ve..."

Artemis shook his head. "See? This is what sex does to people. She turned into all kinds of things to try and get away from him when he raped her, you know."

Apollo pouted. "It wasn't his fault. Zeus practically made him rape her because of that prophecy."

"All the same. Now she's a guy." Artemis smiled with approval. "She'll have to change back when she gives birth, of course, but it's much easier to avoid rape when you're a man like the god of chastity."

"But fratello, don't all the mortals think you're a woman?"

"Shut up!"

Across the room, the king of gods Zeus looked out at the festivities with pleasure. His sister Demeter fidgeted at his side.

"Brother, you did make sure to invite everyone, right?"

"Da, I did."

"Oh, okay." She fidgeted some more. "It's just that—"

"What?"

"Um..." The goddess of the harvest felt herself tearing up a little. "It's just that everything feels almost too pleasant, and I was just wondering if someone isn't here."

Zeus's childish face scrunched up in concentration. "Oh, right. I didn't invite Eris."

"The goddess of discord?"

"Da."

"But won't she get angry? What if she—"

"No worries, sister. She is not here. What can she possibly do?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, there was a crash and a scream. All the immortals (and Peleus) suddenly paused and turned towards the noise, where Zeus's wife Hera, his daughter Athena, and the goddess Aphrodite were struggling over a golden sphere.

"It says 'for the fairest,' so of course it should go to me. I'm the goddess of beauty!'

"Please, you're just vain. She practically threw it right at me; it should be mine!"

"Yeah, give it to the un-awesome, gender-confused bitch!"

"Shut up, Ares!"

"Silence! I am the queen of the gods, and this apple belongs to me. Doesn't it, brother dearest?"

Hera's steely eyes fixed on the hapless king of the gods. They were soon joined by the green gazes of the other two. Zeus's throat became dry.

"Uh...well I don't know if I can make a judgment like this. But don't worry!" He cringed as the three goddesses stepped toward him. "I know just the person who can decide it."

Mount Ida near Troy

Paris of Troy was a prince, though he didn't know it, and a beautiful one to boot. Given this, his whole life should've been smooth sailing, but instead he woke up each day on a dreary mountain with nothing but tedious work to do.

The young shepherd brushed his wavy blonde locks with his fingers and forced a smile at the beautiful nymph Oenone, the only bright spot in his life. "Good morning, love."

Oenone's pretty blue eyes opened, and she smiled as Paris carded his fingers through her short blonde hair. "Good morning. Are you going out now?"

"Of course. Those sheep aren't going to herd themselves." She laughed, but Paris found no humor in his situation. As he stepped out to do his droll job—again—he couldn't help but think, 'This isn't the life that I want.'

"Heads up!"

Paris started and turned around to see a golden object hurtling towards him. He caught it reflexively and, upon closer inspection, discovered that it was a golden apple, marked 'For the Fairest.'

The prince looked up hesitantly. "Who said that? Who threw this?"

"That was just Hermes, dear. Don't worry about him; he was just delivering the apple."

Paris screamed and staggered back a few paces as three incredibly tall women materialized before him. One exuded power, another strength, and the last lust. After his initial shock subsided, Paris realized that they were the three most beautiful women he had ever seen. He quickly stood a little straighter and fixed his hair.

The most intimidating one, a blonde with steely blue eyes, spoke up. "Paris of Troy, son of Priam, you have been charged by the almighty king of gods, my husband Zeus, to award this apple to whichever one of us you think most deserves it. Choose wisely, for this is the most important duty you shall ever perform in your mortal life."

'Son of Priam? The king Priam?' Paris blinked a few times. "Uh. What?"

"Just give it to whoever's prettiest, okay?" The friendliest-looking beauty held out her hand expectantly. She had cat-like green eyes and short hair the color of gold. "Zeus picked you because you are the most beautiful man on Earth, Prince Paris. Surely you can recognize that I'm the fairest. I'm Aphrodite, of course, the goddess of love and beauty."

Goddess of beauty? Seeing a chance, Paris quickly put on a smile. "Well, perhaps I could make such a judgment if I could see a bit more of you."

Aphrodite got the hint and winked. "If you insist." She started slipping off her dress.

"Ugh, you're a pig." The last woman, a brunette in full armor, glared at the goddess of love to make her stop. "Okay, listen up. I am Athena, goddess of wisdom, and I can tell you that the smart choice is to pick me. I can make you a champion, pretty boy. If you give the apple to me, I promise that you will lead Troy to victory against the Greeks. You'll be a hero."

'A hero?' That sounded kind of nice. Paris tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Ignore her. Hear me, son of Priam." The scary blonde's steely eyes fixed on Paris. "I am Hera, the queen of the gods. You never got the life that you deserve, the life of a prince. But I can change that. I can make you the lord of all of Europe and Asia."

Paris felt his heart skip a beat, but what Aphrodite said next erased all other thoughts from his mind.

"I'll give you the most beautiful woman on Earth. Helen of Sparta." Aphrodite held out her hands and a vision of a dark haired beauty with warm brown skin was projected into the air. "I'll make her love you."

She was gorgeous. He couldn't stop looking at her. Having been just a humble shepherd up until this point, Paris understandably couldn't really register what was going on anymore. He was a prince and officially the most beautiful man on Earth, that much he knew. And here were three lovely goddesses (one half naked) practically promising him the world. He'd be more excited if he weren't so scared.

"What do you want, Paris?"

"I want..."

"Glory."

"Power."

"Love."

"I want..." Paris stared at the image of Helen, smiling and laughing. He thought fleetingly of Oenone. "I want her."

He put the apple in Aphrodite's hands.

Author's Notes: And it begins. Honestly, I don't know how I found the motivation to actually write this, but I really fell in love with the idea. I hope it's not too confusing without the APH character names. It just sounded awkward with them. As per my disclaimer, here's some accuracy notes: Artemis is a girl. Yeah. But Italy and Romano were the best choice for Apollo and Artemis, so I just made her a guy in this story. Also, Thetis probably never shape-shifted into a man, but Finland was the best choice for this character and I'd rather genderbend Thetis than Finland (because it actually makes more sense). In the real story, all three godesses actually got naked for Paris, but I thought... yeah. No. Uh, the song Italy's singing in the beginning is the English translation of his character song "Let's Boil Hot Water." And I think that's it. If you have any questions or want to point anything out to me, please leave a review. This was a pretty short chapter, but I hope you'll stick around for the rest of the story.

Translations:

Fratello (Italian): Brother

Da (Russian): Yes