"Fiddleford, why are you nailing garlands of garlic around the windows and doors of my house?"

Fiddleford paused midway into hammering a nail over a window to look at Stanford standing behind him. He had about three or four nails between his teeth.

"Ish bampyre deeterrenk," Fiddleford replied.

"Say what?"

Fiddleford rolled his eyes and spat out the nails onto the floor. "I said it's a vampire deterrent, Ford," he said, sounding a little cross. He turned back and continued to hammer the garland of garlic over the window.

Ford raised an eyebrow and entered the kitchen. He placed a red journal on the tabletop and picked up the slimmer of two books that he spotted next to a box full of garlic.

"Paranormal Stalkers: How to Let Them Know You're Not Interested…One Way or Another," Ford read aloud. He lowered the book just as Fiddleford jumped off the chair and dusted off his hands. "This is unusually specific. What caused all this, Fiddleford?"

Fiddleford sighed and placed the hammer on the kitchen table. "Remember last week when I had to rush out to the convenience store in town at night because someone forgot to buy groceries the day before?"

"Uh, yeah," replied Ford, avoiding Fiddleford's eyes.

"Welp, I met a pretty foreign lady in the store who asked me questions about how to get to Portland," Fiddleford continued. "Goes by the name of Vlada Something (I don't rightly recall). In hindsight, that should have tipped me off. Anyway, you know me, I'm not quite familiar with these parts, so I told her what useful information I could and left with the groceries. I just…I just didn't know she followed me back to the house until the following night."

"Wait," interjected Ford, "Was that the time I was trying to get rid of that damned Leprecorn?"

"The very same day," said Fiddleford, nodding. He paused to give a nervous look out the window before continuing, "The sun was going down and you weren't back. I was playing the banjo out on the porch whiling away the time…and there she was, standing in the clearing. Before I could react, she was suddenly right there and she—she bit me!"

Ford reacted with a resounding "WHAT?! Vlada is a vampire! You got bitten by a vampire! And…you didn't turn into one?" He looked confused.

Fiddleford nodded. He pointed to the left side of his neck, where Ford could see two faint puncture marks, and said, "She got me right here, took a few sips and…and let me go and looked quite offended."

Ford stared at his friend. Then he grabbed his journal, opened it, and pulled a pen from his pocket. "Why did she stop?" he asked as he scribbled hastily into the journal.

"She didn't like how my blood tasted because apparently I'm anemic," said Fiddleford, frowning. "Not a fun way to find out, very painful! And then she glared at me and demanded I see a doctor about this before leaving in a huff."

That made Ford stop scribbling notes down on his journal. "She became concerned about your health?"

"She was! I didn't know that was the beginning," Fiddleford groaned, putting his face in his hands. "The next night, I found a box of iron supplements on the porch with my name on it. I don't know where she got 'em!"

"You're kidding," said Ford incredulously. "That's unusually considerate of her."

"I thought so, too. And then, two nights ago, she sent me THIS."

Fiddleford picked up the second book from the table and showed Ford the cover. Ford took it and read the title out loud: "How to Taste Delicious by Count Halex Smirsch".

Ford dropped the book in shock. "Holy Moses! She's trying to make your blood more palatable!"

Before Fiddleford could reply, the window behind him exploded. A rock with a note attached had been pitched through the glass. The two men jumped up; Fiddleford picked up the rock, untied the note attached to it, and handed it to Ford with a shaking hand.

"Can you read what it says?" he requested in a nervous voice.

Ford nodded and took the note. He unfolded it and read aloud, "Why did you put garlic around the house? You are being very ungrateful. Perhaps you need more red meat in your diet. I will send you a cow tomorrow. ~V"

The two men looked at each other for a moment. Then they each grabbed a garland of garlic and placed it around their necks before scouring the house for silver and parts for a portable UV light.

XXXXX

This was written right after seeing this post on Tumblr:

the-ill-doctor DOT tumblr DOT com / post / 146753352203 /pedestrianfootbridge-harblkun-krazykitsune

I read a few fics and comics about Fiddleford being a target for vampires, which made him an instant choice for this one-shot fic. Poor guy...