Alexander…
He always had a wall built up around him, one that no one could destroy, try as they would. Even Izzy, with her sisterly protectiveness that she used like the ammunition in her catapults couldn't break down that barrier when it came down to it. Slowly, though, it had started crumbling.
It had started with the blushes- those adorable blushes- whenever Magnus looked at him. The way he could never hide it was so entirely endearing that it was the second thing that attracted the sparkly warlock to the boy; the first being his beautiful blue eyes. When he came back to see Magnus, another brick fell out of place, a stone knocked down to the ground out of that massive wall.
And slowly, brick by brick, inch by inch, they had taken down that barrier together. First it was a held stare, then a grasped hand, and finally, a kiss. Magnus had thought that finally, he and Alec would be able to be together without hesitation on Alec's part. Without the normal wards he held up against any talk of relationships. Things had worked, for a while.
That idiot.
As soon as they had finally gotten together, Alec discarding his inhibitions, and even Magnus opening himself up to heartbreak- which was something he had never really done before- Alec went…and ruined it. Ruined the plans they had, the future that they had made. Was it really that hard to imagine growing old, which Magnus stayed young?
What if the situation were reversed?
Magnus shook those thoughts out of his head, but not before an image flashed briefly in his thoughts. Alec, young and beautiful, standing next to an old, withered Magnus. Green eyes dulled with age, and wrinkles folding his face like a piece of origami, he was hunched over, hand in hand with his lover. Would he really be able to do that? Watch himself crumple away to dust, while Alec stayed alive and young and perfect forever?
Trust? Yeah, right.
They had had something, Magnus knew. It was more than just something, actually. It was the best damn thing that had probably ever happened to the warlock; and then Alexander Lightwood had betrayed him. Even considering what he was- it was a violation of his trust. Magnus kept telling himself that, over and over again. Just an excuse not to run back to the institute and beg for Alec to take him back.
He doubted that Alec even would, at this point. After dropping off his key, the shadowhunter had studiously gone about avoiding the warlock. Not that that was hard, considering that Magnus hadn't left his apartment except once, when he saw Alec coming back to pick up his stuff. Practically sprinting out the door, he had hid in the elevator and watched his former boyfriend go inside, mouth grimly set and determined. Not noticing the shadows under his eyes, or the way his clothes hung on his body, as he hadn't been eating right. Just noticing the sudden pain that struck him- again- as he realized that he knew Alec would take the stairs instead of the elevator. He always did.
Burying his head in his hands, the High Warlock of Brooklyn slowly shuffled over to the bathroom. He hadn't showered in almost a week, not since the breakup. He probably looked disgusting; good. That was all he deserved. Besides, who was there to look good for? No one to impress- he had stopped taking jobs, claiming he needed personal leave as a relative had died.
He might as well be dead.
After an agonizingly long shower, he looked at himself seriously in the mirror for the first time since he had left that elevator. His hair, normally intricately gelled and glittery, was splayed in a mess of black strands, going every direction. Two bruise-like half moons highlighted the unders of his eyes, and whatever makeup he was wearing had streamed and dried. Running his hands through his hair, he tried to summon the energy to do something with it. He couldn't though- he was just too lethargic. It felt like someone had died, even though as far as he knew, Alexander Lightwood was alive and well, talking about how he had almost gotten away with making some moronic warlock a mortal.
Who was he kidding? Alec had regretted it. Truly and totally regretted it. He had said so, apologized over and over. Pleaded with him. And Magnus had shut him down, ignored him, and said no. Why? Was it just anger? Or the bitter betrayal of someone he thought he could trust? Alec…He wouldn't have done it. Magnus knew that now. He should have known it then.
Don't do it, Bane.
Bane.
Don't you dare do it.
Don't even think about it.
Magnus swiped a coat from the table next to him, and ran outside. He didn't notice that it was raining. He didn't care. The institute was only five minutes away.
Run, Bane. Run.