A/N: I know, I know! I said that I'd update Who He Should Be next, but this was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. A re-write of the 1985 movie Clue using members of Organization XIII. One problem though - not enough female characters in Organization XIII, so Fuu, Yuffie and Tifa make an appearance. Some characters may be a little out of character, but that's just because fitting them to the movie characters require it. Any and all mistakes are mine since I don't use a beta. Kingdom Hearts and Clue do not belong to me, etc. etc.
It was already evening and the wind was starting to pick up as the car pulled up to the gate. A younger man with bright red hair stretched his left arm out of the driver's window and inserted the appropriate key to open the iron gate. As the gate opened with a minor creaking noise, the driver easily navigated the winding driveway before parking the black car. The red-haired man exited the car, his coat easily draped over his left arm and his umbrella hooked on his right. In his right hand he carried a paper bag. As he walked toward the mansion, two German Shepards came forth and one lunged, grabbing his coat off of his arm. A startled exclamation issued from the man's lips, and he stepped backward, out of the reach of the two dogs. Cautiously, he reached into the paper bag, pulling out a meaty bone and tossing it before pulling out a second bone and tossing it as well. Both bones landed outside of the doghouse, and the dog's eagerly turned their attention to their treats. Crumpling the bag and pinning it under his right arm, the red-haired man moved toward where the guard dog's leashes were clipped to a wall and quickly shortened both the lengths so that the dogs would no longer be able to move so closely to the entrance. He then picked up his coat from the ground.
Entering the hallway of the mansion, the young man moved toward the closet, sliding his umbrella into the stand by the closet door. Opening the closet, he put away both his jacket and his bowler hat. Tugging his waistcoat down and smoothing his tie, the young man then closed the closet door, clasped his hands behind his back, and moved to close the front door, which he had left open. Clasping his hands behind his back once more, he moved down the hallway, stopping to look into a dining room which had been prepared for a formal dinner. Seven place settings had been laid, and a fire roared in the fireplace.
Moving directly across the hallway, the red-haired man entered into a library, where a young green-eyed, blonde haired woman, her hair slicked back (though two strips seemed determined to stick out - one on either side of her head) in a French maid's outfit was bouncing to swing music and polishing glasses. The man moved further into the room, grabbing the young woman's attention as he switched off the stereo. Moving to stand in front of her, his hands still behind his back, he addressed the young woman.
"Is everything ready?" he inquired.
"Oui, monsieur," she replied.
"You have your, um," he hesitated, eyes briefly glancing down to her chest, "instructions?" Her head tilted forward and slightly to the left in silent agreement, and he exited the library, continuing further into the house. Walking up a short flight of three steps, he turned left into the kitchen. In there, a large woman was facing a cutting table while sharpening a large cutting knife. "Everything alright?" he inquired, stepping down the two steps into the kitchen. He stopped short when the cook whirled, the cutting knife held in her right hand. He held still, eyes trained on the knife pointed at his neck before moving them towards the cook's face.
"Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty." She said shortly. Any more awkwardness was interrupted by the doorbell ringing and the young man whirled, calmly exiting the kitchen, his hands still firmly clasped behind his back. The cook remained, still sharpening the knife, though she was now watching the small television.
The young man walked sedately to the front door. Outside, an older gentlemen stood with his hands in his pockets. His long brown hair, streaked with gray, was pulled back into a tight pony-tail, which fell down his back. His right eye was covered with an eye-patch, and a thick scar ran down his left cheek. He was staring at the German Shepards who, in turn, were growling at him.
"Good evening," the young red-haired man greeted as he opened the door.
"Good evening," the new arrival returned. "I don't know if -"
"Yes, indeed, sir, you are expected, Colonel," the young man interrupted. He stood aside to let the Colonel enter into the hallway. "May I take your coat? It is Colonel Xigbar, isn't it?" he inquired.
"Uh, no," Xigbar responded, taking off his coat. "That's not my name. My name is Colonel -"
"Forgive me, sir," the red-haired man interrupted, holding up his right hand to stop Xigbar from revealing his true name. "But tonight, you may well feel obliged to my employer for the use of an alias," he stated as he took Xigbar's coat and shut the front door. Xigbar didn't respond as the young man took his hat and hung it with his coat in the closet. Shutting the closet, the young man motioned for Xigbar to follow him down the hall.
"And who are you, sir?" Inquired Xigbar.
"I'm Axel, sir," the young man responded. "The butler." Xigbar said nothing, but examined the younger man as he followed him down the hall. Stopping at the door to the library, Axel motioned for Xigbar to enter. Xigbar paused, taking a moment to look around the splendor of the mansion before following Axel into the room. Inside the room, the maid was pouring champagne for the arriving guests. "Larxene," Axel began and she paused, holding the champagne bottle between both hands. "Would you attend to Xigbar and give him anything he requires," Axel paused, "within reason, that is." After this departing shot, he turned, exiting the room before Xigbar had finished leering at the maid.
"Oh, Axel, I was -" he called, suddenly remembering something he had wanted to talk to the butler about. But Axel had shut the door and unfortunately for Xigbar, it was disguised to look like the rest of the library shelves. The front door bell rang.
Axel opened the door to a young woman with silver-white hair that hung just above her shoulders and red eyes. In her gloved hand she held a letter and had been in the process of re-reading it when Axel had opened the door.
"Do come in, madame, you are expected," Axel greeted.
"Do you know who I am?" she inquired.
"Only that you are to be known as Fuu," he responded, standing to the side to allow Fuu to enter.
"Yes," she agreed. "It said so in the letter. But why?" Axel's response was to smile and assist her in removing her coat. After hanging it in the closet, next to Xigbar's, he led her to the library. As he opened the door, Xigbar was pushed out of the way - the glass of champagne Larxene had just handed him barely staying in his hand. Larxene was recomposing herself after having staggered backward to avoid the swinging door.
"Ah," he stated, entering the room, "may I introduce you? Ms. Fuu, this is Larxene, the maid." A cold look passed between the two women, and Axel looked back and forth between them. "I see you know each other," he stated as Fuu turned away from the blonde and entered farther into the room. She startled as Xigbar pushed the door partially shut - he had been pinned behind it as Axel and Fuu had entered.
"Hello," she greeted shortly.
"Hello," Xigbar responded, attempting to act like nothing embarrassing had happened.
On a long winding road, a red car was pulled to the side and it's engine hood was popped open. A long-haired brunette was bent over, trying to inspect the engine without getting her outfit dirty. Not being able to see what was causing the car to malfunction, she let out a groan of annoyance and hit the side of the car before leaning against it with her arms crossed. As a crash of thunder sounded, she looked up at the sky and lifted both of her arms, the signature look of "why me?" clearly written across her body. Noticing another car driving down the road, she straightened any wrinkles out of her dress and leaned back over her car, pushing her backside out as far as she could. As the car drew level with her own, she bent her right knee. The other car, which had just passed, screeched to a halt and reversed until it was alongside the young woman's car.
"Want a lift?" The man inquired.
"Yes, please," she answered seductively. Grabbing her purse off of her car, she slid into the passenger side. "Thanks," she stated, taking in the driver's appearance - long blond hair, two strands hanging down the front with the rest hanging down behind his shoulders and green eyes, "I'm late for a dinner date," she finished.
"Me too. Where are you going?"
"Let's see," she muttered, pulling out her letter and giving it a quick perusal. "Hill House," she responded. "Off Route 41." The driver leaned over, grabbing the letter out of the woman's hands.
"Wait a minute, let me look at that." He scanned it quickly. "That's where I'm going. I got a letter like this," he explained, looking intently at his passenger. She stared at him, gobsmacked, and an awkward silence filled the car before the driver turned back to the front. He switched on the windshield wipers (it had begun to rain as they sorted their letter business) and put the car in drive.
"And this is Mrs. Yuffie," Axel introduced. A young woman with black cropped hair and blue eyes was standing in the doorway of the library. She grinned and entered.
"How do you do?" Xigbar asked dutifully.
"Hello." Fuu greeted, just as dutifully.
"Larxene," Axel asked, a bored expression on his face, "will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived?" Larxene nodded before all but strutting out of the room, only pausing to hand a glass of champagne to Yuffie. Yuffie looked caught of guard at the blatant condescension of the maid, but Xigbar watched the proceedings with amusement. Axel exited the room right after Larxene, heading toward the front door.
Outside, a young man stood on the porch, his eyes kept firmly on the German Shepard. The dog growled dutifully, but it was obvious that he would have rather been in his doghouse than out in the pouring rain. The young man whirled as Axel opened the front door. A look of confusion flickered over the butler's face as he noted that not only had it started to rain, but it was, in fact, pouring. As it became obvious that the young gentleman would not be coming any closer, Axel stepped out onto the porch.
"Is this the right address," the young man began apprehensively, "to meet Mr. Zexion?"
"Oh, you must be Mr. Roxas," Axel stated, smile back in place.
"Yeeeees." The young man agreed.
"SIT!" Axel ordered, and the young blond all but fell onto the bench behind him. "No," Axel explained with a small smile, "not you, sir."
"Oh," Roxas laughed awkwardly before standing and entering the house, Axel following behind him.
"It should be just off there," the young woman stated, checking the map again as her left arm pointed out the directions. The driver dutifully turned his car at her instruction and the car slowed to a stop as they approached the gate to Hill House.
"That must be it," the driver stated. They both stared as a flash of lightening illuminated the sprawling estate of Hill House.
"Why is the car stopped?" The passenger asked, eyes never leaving the sight of the mansion in front of her.
"It's frightened," came the response, but the car dutifully began to move forward, creeping along winding driveway. The driver parked his car along with the rest before swinging open his door. Raising and opening the umbrella, he exited the car, shutting his door before heading to the passenger side. As his passenger exited, she let out exclamations as she realized just how hard it was pouring. Her polite driver wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her more securely beneath the umbrella as they both raced toward the front door.
"What a godforsaken place," he stated, shaking off his umbrella. His passenger was shaking both her hands in an attempt to get rid of any excess water droplets. A stealthy arm creeped around the waist of the young woman, the driver's hand "accidentally" landing on her butt. The woman shifted away, a look of disgust crossing her face as the front door opened.
"Professor Vexen," Axel greeted. "And Ms. Tifa. I didn't realize you were acquainted."
"We weren't." Tifa answered, shooting Vexen a pointed look before entering the house. Vexen followed behind.
"May I present," Axel began, opening the doors to the library, "Professor Vexen and Ms. Tifa." The other guests stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the last of the guests. Larxene picked up the champagne tray and bounced across the room. Xigbar, who had been standing next to her, watched appreciatively. She presented the tray to Tifa first, then Vexen, before quietly making her way back to her place by Xigbar. Vexen took the opportunity to knock his glass against Tifa's in a pseudo-toast. Tifa shot him a look which clearly stated her annoyance. "Of course," Axel began, pretending not to notice any of the preceding events, "since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name." A moment of awkward silence proceeded this statement as all the guests looked at each other hesitantly. It was broken by the cook striking the gong for dinner. Roxas, startled by the sudden noise, jumped and his champagne went flying out of his glass and landed on Yuffie. "Ah," Axel stated, completely unperturbed. "Dinner," he stated. Tifa, standing next to him, shook her head as if trying to regain her hearing.
"I-I'm sorry," Roxas stuttered. "I'm a little accident prone," he explained as he placed his champagne glass in Yuffie's hand before digging into the breast pocket of his suit for his handkerchief. Yuffie's face betrayed her annoyance, but she allowed the young blond to dab the champagne off of her outfit before they both joined the others in the dining room.
"You'll find your names beside your places," Axel explained as the guests filed in. "Please be seated," he finished before taking Tifa's champagne glass and setting it beside her plate. Roxas pulled her chair out before taking the seat to her left. Xigbar stood standing at his place - he was seated on Tifa's right and across the table Yuffie sat across from Xigbar, Vexen was across from Tifa, and Fuu was across from Roxas.
"Is this place for you?" Xigbar asked, gesturing to the seat at the head of the table.
"Oh, indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler." Axel answered, chuckling.
"And what exactly do you do?" Xigbar pressed.
"I butle, sir." Axel responded.
"Which means what?"
"The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room," Axel explained. "I keep everything...tidy," he continued, moving away from Xigbar. "That's all."
"Well," Yuffie interrupted, taking off her gloves. "What's all this about, butler, this dinner party?"
"Our's not to reason why, our's but to do and die," answered the butler, pulling out her chair.
"Die?" Vexen asked, sitting at his place.
"Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred Lord Tennyson." Axel reassured.
"Hmm, I prefer Kippling myself," stated Xigbar. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." At this statement Fuu's gaze landed on the man. "Do you like Kippling Ms. Tifa?" The older man asked as he passed a plate of h'orderves to the woman.
"Sure, I'll eat anything," she stated, taking one of the appetizers. At this statement, Larxene exited the kitchen with a tray.
"Shark's fin soup, madame," she stated to Yuffie as she began serving.
"So, is this for our host?" Xigbar inquired, pointing to the empty table setting. He hadn't forgotten his original line of questioning.
"No, sir," responded Axel, serving the guests their drinks. "For the seventh guest, Mr. Zexion."
"I thought Mr. Zexion was our host," Fuu stated, a chorus of "So did I" following. "So who is our host, Mr. Axel?" she inquired. Axel merely smiled and chuckled as he continued serving drinks.
"Well, I want to start while it's still hot," Vexen stated as he placed his napkin in his lap.
"Oh, now shouldn't we wait for the other guest?" Yuffie argued.
"I will keep something warm for him," Larxene stated as she finished serving the rest of the soup.
"What did you have in mind, dear?" Tifa asked suggestively as Axel finished serving drinks. As the two servants took their leave, Vexen began to eat his soup, slurping loudly. Fuu glanced at him dispassionately before promptly beginning to slurp her own soup. The other guests stared before turning to their own soup. Yuffie attempted to tuck into her own dinner before wiping the corner of her mouth with her napkin.
"Well," she started, "I guess someone has got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess, it's part of my husband's work and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling," she stated, bringing a spoonful of soup to her mouth before setting it back down and continuing, "I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?" The other guests had all paused with their spoons raised, and their mouths open. All eyes were turned toward Yuffie, and it seemed like they were intent on staying that way.
"You say that you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?" Fuu inquired, breaking the spell that had been cast by Yuffie's diatribe.
"Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you're the wife of a -" here she cut herself off. "Oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens-to-betsy, I don't know why."
"Don't you?" Xigbar asked ironically. Yuffie grinned uneasily before taking a bite of her soup.
"I know who you are." Roxas stated, raising his eyes from his soup, a small smile playing on his lips.
"Aren't you going to tell us?" Tifa asked as Yuffie's spoon clattered in her bowl.
"How do you know who I am?" she asked uneasily.
"I work in Washington, too," he answered, slyly.
"Washington?" Vexen asked. "So you're a politician's wife."
"Yes, I-I am," she responded, breaking her gaze away from the young blond and turning back to her dinner.
"Well, come on then, who's your husband?" Xigbar prodded. Further questioning was interrupted as Axel exited the kitchen, propping the swinging door open. Roxas cast a sly look at Yuffie before taking another bite of soup.
"So what does your husband do?" Yuffie inquired of Fuu.
"Nothing." Fuu answered, a little too quickly.
"Nothing?" Yuffie asked, confused.
"Well, he just...lies around on his back all day."
"Sounds like hard work to me," Tifa stated, shifting slightly as Axel removed her soup bowl. Larxene raised the partition between the dining room and kitchen as a crash of thunder sounded. Roxas, who had been wiping his mouth, startled and brought his hands down, catching his spoon. It went flying, and Tifa was struck with droplets of shark's fin soup.
"I'm sorry," he laughed nervously, wiping the soup off the table with his napkin before turning his attention to Tifa's dress. "I'm afraid I'm a little accident prone."
"Uh, watch it." Tifa stated.
"Excusez-moi." Larxene stated, placing a plate in front of Yuffie just as Axel had taken her soup bowl. She began serving Xigbar and Tifa as Axel took the remaining bowls from Fuu and Vexen. As he was exiting the room, Yuffie exclaimed with joy, and Axel turned, holding the two bowls out, and Yuffie only saw Axel.
"This is one of my favorite recipes," she told him.
"I know, madame," he stated, casting a quick look over his shoulder into the kitchen. As Yuffie turned back to the table, he quit the room.
"So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Roxas?" Yuffie inquired. Roxas didn't answer, merely lifted his wine glass as Larxene set his plate of dinner in front of him. "Come on, what do you do," she cajoled. "I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?" she asked the table.
"Perhaps he doesn't want to get acquainted with you." Tifa shot back at her. Yuffie set her fork down on her plate angrily.
"Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence."
"Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Yuffie?" Vexen asked, turning to his left to face her head on.
"Yes, WHAT? No! Why?" she quickly answered.
"Well, it just seems to me that you are. You seem to suffer from what we call "pressure of speech"."
"We?" Tifa asked quickly. "Who's we? Are you a shrink?"
"I do know a little about psychological medicine, yes."
"Are you a doctor?" Fuu asked.
"I am, but I don't practice." Vexen elaborated.
"But practice makes perfect." Tifa stated. "I think most men need a little practice, don't you, Mrs. Yuffie?" Yuffie made a non-committal noise.
"So what do you do, Professor?" Fuu questioned.
"I work for UNO - the United Nations Organization." Vexen explained.
"Another politician, Jesus," Xigbar stated.
"No," Vexen stated. "I work for a branch of UNO, WHO, the World Health Organization."
"Well, what is your area of special concern?" Yuffie asked.
"Family planning. What about you, Colonel?" Vexen asked Xigbar. "Are you a real Colonel?"
"I am, sir." Xigbar stated. Tifa smiled, twirling her fork in her dinner.
"You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?" she asked.
"How did you know that?" he asked. "Have we met before?" Tifa smiled.
"I've certainly seen you before, although you may not have seen me."
"So Ms. Tifa, does this mean you live in Washington, too?" Roxas asked.
"Sure do," she answered, taking a bite of her dinner.
"Well, does anyone here NOT live in Washington, D.C.?" Yuffie asked.
"I don't," Vexen stated.
"Yes, but you work for the United Nations - that's a government job. And the rest of us live in a government town. Anyone here NOT earn their living from the government, one way or another?" Roxas asked.
"Axel, where's our host and why have we been brought here?" Xigbar demanded, tossing his napkin onto his plate and standing from the table. Before Axel could answer, someone rung the doorbell and he left the dining room. The six guests stared at each other as they listened to the conversation going on in the hallway.
"Ah, good evening. You are eagerly awaited." Axel stated to the unknown guest.
"Are you locking me in?" The voice asked. "I'll take the key."
"Over my dead body, sir." Axel responded. "May I take your bag?"
"No. I'll leave it here 'til I need it."
"It contains evidence, I presume." Axel stated.
"Surprises, my friend. That's what it contained, surprises!" The guests turned their attention to the new arrival as Axel preceded him into the dining room.
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Zexion?" The young gentleman followed Axel into the room and the guests took in his appearance. His silver hair was cropped short at the back, but his bangs lengthened across his right eye. The style had the effect of obscuring that particular eye, but his left eye was visible and they could clearly make out the silver coloring of the iris. A cold, calculating look was on his face.
"What are they all doing here?" He asked.
"Eating dinner." Axel responded, unfazed by the coldness. "Do sit down, Mr. Zexion," he stated, leading the new arrival to his place at the head of the table.
"Thanks," he stated. As he sat, Larxene exited the kitchen, bringing him a bowl of the shark's fin soup the other guests had partaken of earlier. "No, you can take that away." Larxene stared at him before returning to the kitchen with the untouched bowl of soup. The guests stared at Zexion, unsure of what to make of the new guest and his treatment of the servants. Unable to take the silence anymore, Yuffie addressed herself to Axel.
"Look," she stated, banging a hand on the table. "I demand to know what's going on! Now why have we all been dragged up here to this horrible place?"
"Well," Axel stated, reaching into the inner pocket of his jacket. "I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, 'It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Zexion will bring to an end a long-standing, confidential, and painful financial liability.' It is signed, 'A friend'."
"I received a similar letter," Roxas admitted.
"So did we, didn't we?" Tifa stated, asking Vexen for confirmation.
"I also received a letter," Zexion stated as Larxene exited the kitchen for the second time. "No thanks, Larxene," he stated as she sat the plate down in front of him. "I just ate."
"Now, how did you know her name?" Roxas asked suspiciously.
"We know each other." Zexion stated. "Don't we, dear?" The tone of his voice caused Larxene to jerk away, but before anything else occurred, Axel broke in.
"Forgive my curiosity, Mr. Zexion, but did your letter say the same thing?"
"No."
"I see," Axel stated before turning his attention back to the neglected guests. "Can I interest any of you in fruit...or desert?" A resounding silence was the answer, but Axel - completely unaffected - soldiered on. "In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee or brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions."
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