Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who OR New Girl.

A/N: What the hell am I doing? I'm supposed to be continuing my other fics, and instead, here I am, writing another one. This is also my first time to write for Doctor Who. I'm nervous. It was a crazy idea, and I felt that I just needed to write this.

Synopsis: New GirlAU. After leaving her fiance who cheated on her with what she creatively called a "spider woman" , Donna Noble seeks a new home. She then comes across an online ad describing a nice little flat down at Cardiff. She takes the ad and upon arriving at the flat, finds out that it is occupied by three bachelors: Chris, David and Matt. But is she bovvered? Nah. She loves it.

Chapter 1: Who's that Girl?

Donna Noble was a very talkative woman. Everyone back in Chiswick knows that. Donna made sure everyone in Chiswick (and anyone within a good few meters around) knew that. So it was no surprise to find her, chattering non-stop to her prospective new flatmates about how she got into this situation.

"You know in horror movies, when a girl hears this sound from the cellar, and she's all: 'Oh my god, what's that sound? I better go downstairs in the dark while wearing only my underwear!', and you're all: 'What the hell is your problem? Call the bloody cops!'."

Flashback

Donna sits at the back of a cab, wearing a fur coat. It would have been a normal thing to wear for her, had it not been in the middle of July. She flips her phone open and is talking animatedly to her best friend.

"It's a surprise for Lance. I'm going to walk in and just... drop my coat on the ground." Donna said, in her best attempt at a wily voice. "What do you think?"

On the other side of the line, River Song, model, and Donna's best friend tries on some really high-heeled pumps. Slightly confused of her friend's agenda on poor Lance, she asks:

"Why don't you put it on a coat hanger?"

Giggling, Donna murmurs into the phone. "No you dolt! I-I'm not wearing anything underneath!"

The driver looks back at her through the rear-view mirror.

"I can't hear you, sweetie. Try talking up a bit."

"I-I'm in the buff under my coat!" Donna whispers to the phone.

"Donna, are you whispering something?"

Impatiently, Donna Noble shouts six words that shook the universe. As well as the cabbie's driving.

"I'm bloody naked underneath, you numpty!"

The cab makes a dangerously violent swerve on the road. Giggling, Donna whispers back to the phone.

"I think the cabbie knows I'm doing the full Monty."

"Honey, it's in the middle of July. Anyone who's wearing a winter coat is either naked or a hoarder."

Donna pouts a little at her friend's remark. As if seeing her reaction on the other line, River makes her famous mischievous smirk.

"This will be good for the two of you. You've got to keep it spicy."

Donna pictures River's all-knowing smirk, and laughs a bit at her friend's antics.

"Well, River, if it were any spicy-er, then Marco Polo should've gone to me instead." she joked.

"Ooh, isn't that a bit daring? I've no doubt that you'd provide enough spice for the entire 16th century Europe, am I right, Donna Noble?"

"Dear god, is this turning into a history lesson or what? Have you been hanging out with that Sharlene woman, again?"

"Donna, it's Irene. And no, we haven't seen much of each other lately. Heard she's got her eyes on some tasty bloke down at London."

"Good for 'er."

River scoffs. "Yeah, but the bloke's living in the same apartment with another man."

"Bad for 'er, then."

"Oh come on, Donna. It's Irene we're talking about. She doesn't care if he's a bender!"

Donna laughs loudly. The cabbie tilts his head slightly to see if he needs to take his passenger straight to Bedlam. Donna gives him a pointed glare.

"Kidding aside, Donna," came from River's end, "I don't understand how you and Lance manage to still have sex. I mean, I won't be content with just the same partner for like what, seven years?"

"That's because you're a right daft bint!" Donna teased.

"True..." said River "So what's your plan for tonight? Anything kinky? BDSM?"

"No. I'm not into that whole Fifty Shades thing. Just a bit of roleplay-"

"Ooh! How exciting! What's the story?"

Donna was sure that the cab driver, by now, knew everything there is about her sex life. It wouldn't hurt to make him feel all the more uncomfortable. After all, Donna Noble loved being in control.

"He said he has this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, and he's helping me get back to uni."

"He did not just mention uni, did he?"

"Of course not. That one was my suggestion."

"So what's your stripper name?"

"Haven't thought about that… Hmm… How about Lauren Cooper?"

"Your stripper name is Lauren Cooper?"

"Oh don't give me that! It's making me a bit nervous!"

"Dons, remember in sixth grade when we were freaks and no one would talk to us? Did you think you'd ever have a boyfriend?"

"No!" Donna scoffed. "I thought I'd be living in your garage or something."

"Now look at you. Naked in the back of a cab. I'm so proud of you."

Donna smiles. Despite what others think about her being a complete bitch, River just knows how to give her a confidence boost. In hindsight, that was what made the two of them hit it off, instantly.

The cab turns left around the corner and upon reaching a nice bungalow, Donna tells the cab driver to stop. She gets off the cab and hands the driver the fare.

"Thanks love, wish me luck!" she grins at the cabbie, whose attention was focused on her heaving chest.

Donna walks towards the front door. She lifts the doormat for the spare key, and unlocks the door. The lights weren't on and Lance wasn't watching the telly in the living room. Perfect, she thought. She walks towards the door outside his room and knocks four times, before hurriedly turning her back on the door, ready to perform her 'routine'.

"Dun-dun-dun-dun-" Donna started singing and dancing to some sort of jazz song. She does not notice that Lance had come out of the room, wearing only his boxers, shocked of her apparent arrival.

"D-Donna?"

Upon hearing his voice, Donna turns around and gives him a seductive smirk, dropping her coat on the floor. She continues her dancing, turning her back on Lance to show him her tush.

"Dun-dun-dun, sexy, naked, it's all happening… Sexy, sexy, I'm doing sexy stuff to this plant…"

The plant falls over.

"I'm going to pick it up later…" Donna continued singing. She slaps her butt lightly and continues her singing and dancing, not noticing that another woman has come out from his room, wearing only a blanket.

"Who's thaa~t girl? It's Donna!" Donna finishes, doing a big jump, turning around, and finally seeing Lance's other woman.

"I like your bow." Said the woman.

"I'm sorry, but who are you?" Donna retorted.

Silence fell when the question was asked. Also, a red stick-on bow.

End Flashback.

"So, that's what happened. S'pose I should've set the bloody Scotland Yard on him instead."

Three men sitting on a couch opposite her gaped at her story, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.