I was going to include this as a chapter in my "Short & Sweet" series, but I decided to make it into a separate one-shot since it turned out to be longer than I had originally anticipated. This takes place in the present time, although Noah and Jesse don't exist. I had intended on writing something humorous but I was in need of some hurt/comfort fluff, so this is what I came up with. :)
I am currently working on the final chapter of "Hurricane" and the fourth chapter of "Hidden Scars" so I hope to have them both posted soon.
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Amanda Rollins is burning up, her entire body on fire, every single inch of skin from her head to her toes feeling like it might burst into flames at any moment. She is slumped heavily over the sink in the bathroom down the hallway from the squad room, freezing cold water running over the hand that is laying limply inside the porcelain bowl and momentarily forgetting that she had come in here to splash the water across her face instead of just letting it run down the drain.
The long work day has thankfully come to an end and Amanda had quickly ducked into the bathroom before starting her journey home, afraid that she was going to pass out on the way back to her apartment if she didn't try to cool down first. They have just wrapped up a very complicated case that has taken weeks to reach its conclusion and she has been trying to hide the fact that her illness has been becoming more pronounced with each passing day, after having come down with some sort of nasty flu bug or cold virus the previous weekend. Amanda had been very determined not to miss any work during this crucial case and leave her team short-staffed, despite not wanting to pass her sickness on to anyone else, and she has resolutely pushed through the past several hours while trying to ignore her ever-growing misery.
Now that the case is finally done and they are finished for the day, whatever is ailing her seems to be hitting Amanda full force, and she has transformed from her usual cool and collected persona into a quivering mess of overheated limbs; sweating profusely in her dressy work attire, the moisture matting her long blonde hair to her head and her white blouse to her skin in distinct wet patches. Her blue eyes are unfocused and bloodshot when she raises a limp head just enough to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and she shudders in revulsion at the sickly reflection staring back at her before letting her head hang down in exhausted despair once again.
Amanda is startled when she suddenly feels a strong pair of arms sliding around her waist from behind and gently hoisting her back up to her full height, realizing that she hadn't even heard the door to the bathroom open and that someone else is now occupying the small space with her. She is momentarily taken aback when she whirls around and almost loses her balance while catching a peek of the person who is holding her up, the harsh florescent lighting beaming down in a bright white halo onto lush brunette hair and illuminating large dark eyes that are shimmering with concern, briefly convinced that the beautiful creature standing behind her is actually an angel instead of her boss.
"Uh, hey, Liv," Amanda mutters in greeting, feeling a flood of embarrassment and shame and confusion at this bizarre mistake and wondering just how high her fever actually is, Olivia momentarily resembling some kind of otherwordly ethereal being instead of her stern and no-nonsense lieutenant.
"Amanda, I've noticed that you haven't been feeling well today, but why didn't you tell me how sick you were?" Olivia chastises softly, and she is surprised to hear no malice or condescension whatsoever in the older woman's tone, Olivia's voice radiating only extreme worry and no small amount of alarm.
"I'm fine," Amanda murmurs unconvincingly, catching the slight roll of her boss' eyes in response to the obvious lie.
"You are not fine," Olivia says firmly, and she feels the other woman's grip tighten around her waist before the brunette pulls away temporarily, one hand clutching onto Amanda's arm to keep her from slipping to the ground while she shrugs awkwardly out of the pinstriped blazer she is wearing, revealing a silky blue blouse underneath. "You're shaking like crazy and you're sweating right through your clothes. Let's get this on you and then you're coming to my office with me and waiting while I finish up my paperwork. I should only be about twenty minutes and then I'll take you home."
Amanda's heart melts with gratitude at this unexpected show of kindness as Olivia very gently tucks the blazer around her shoulders to hide the shirt that has now become nearly see-through with sweat, the outline of her bra very visible beneath the light-colored material that is clinging to her moist skin, and she feels overcome with a rush of warmth toward her boss that has nothing to do with the raging fever. Amanda can't help but lean gratefully into the older woman's sturdy body as Olivia very slowly leads her from the bathroom like she is a toddler just learning how to walk for the first time, legs trembling and uncoordinated, and the adrenaline that has gotten her through the work day is suddenly leaving her body in a giant rush that threatens to have her collapsing into an ungraceful heap onto the floor.
"Just hold on, honey; we're almost there," she hears Olivia murmur into her ear, and Amanda is horrified to find herself very swiftly on the verge of tears in reaction to this tender statement, instantly bowing her head to let a curtain of long blonde hair hide the crumpled expression on her face.
She swallows against the large lump that has taken up residence inside her throat as Olivia gets her settled on the couch in her office with a bottle of water and two Tylenol, locking the door and closing the blinds to allow for some privacy, before pulling a checkered blanket out from underneath the large piece of furniture and tucking it around Amanda's shuddering body, and she fights the urge to slump forward into the other woman's chest. She realizes that she needs to get ahold of herself and has to try and reign in this uncharacteristic behavior before she does something that is very inappropriate and will have Olivia snarling at her in reply and kicking her out of the office, and Amanda curses this high fever that has her thinking and acting in a way she would rather not.
As she watches the brunette working at her desk, Olivia's fingers flying over the keyboard of her computer and a thoughtful frown fixed on her lovely features as she stares intently at the screen in front of her, those stubborn tears are pricking insistently at Amanda's eyelids once again and she huddles further into the blanket despite the extreme heat that has overtaken her small body, determined to suppress two very closely-guarded secrets that are threatening to make themselves known.
The first secret is something that she has slowly become aware of over the time she has spent working at The Special Victims Unit; conscious of the fact that at some point during the course of the past several years, the admiration and respect that she has always had for Olivia has given way to something much deeper and more ingrained, a certain intense feeling that she is too frightened to name blooming inside and only growing stronger by the day. The other secret is something that brings Amanda quite a bit of shame when she allows herself to think too hard about it; grudgingly acknowledging that the independent and confident personality traits that she takes so much pride in tend to completely disappear like they have never even existed when she gets sick, transforming her into a person she doesn't even recognize, one who is needy and clingy and desperate to be held.
Amanda firmly believes that these somewhat pathetic qualities stem from a childhood that was mostly absent of the normal care and concern and love that one would expect from their parents, the responsibility usually falling on her tiny shoulders when it came to getting through any sort of illness that involved her or her younger sister, Kim. As she had gotten older and lacked any kind of long-term, stable relationships as an adult, she has found that being sick induces an acute sense of sadness and loneliness, the isolation that Amanda lives with in her personal life never more apparent than when she is curled up on the couch in her apartment with only Frannie for company.
The thought of Olivia dropping her off at home to spend the rest of the night alone with her dog while she feels so physically wretched and emotionally needy is enough to induce another bout of impending tears that swim in Amanda's big blue eyes and have her blinking rapidly once again to keep them from falling. Her secrets seem to be merging together to create a messy mix of thoughts and feelings that are verging on an embarrassing explosion, and all she wants is for the woman sitting across the room to climb onto the couch and curl up under the blanket beside her; Amanda finding it very disconcerting that she is about to start crying due to her craving for what is likely some extremely inappropriate attention from her superior.
A low whimper escapes from Amanda's lips before she is able to stop it and she claps both hands over her mouth in dismay as if this action will be able to take back the noise that has just emitted from her throat, her eyes widening in trepidation when she sees Olivia's head snap up in response, the older woman's sharp gaze zeroing right in on her.
"Amanda, what's wrong?" Olivia asks in concern, standing up from her desk and hurrying over to the couch to squat down on the floor in front of her, one hand squeezing Amanda's knee beneath the blanket and the other coming to rest comfortingly on her shoulder. "Are you feeling worse? I'm so sorry, I should have taken you home first and then come back here to finish up my work. Come on, let's go; we can leave right now."
Amanda is flooded with a sudden overwhelming panic at being left in her apartment to fend for herself for the night, even though she has had more than enough practice with it, and another unintentional whimper works itself loose from between dry and cracked lips as the older woman begins trying to help her stand up, Olivia frowning at her in return.
"Oh, sweetheart, what's the matter?" the brunette inquires softly, pausing in her movements to lift Amanda to her feet and raising a hand to stroke through blonde strands of hair that are damp and disheveled, fingers scratching softly across her scalp. "Amanda, you are soaking wet! Oh my god, look at you." Olivia has gently pulled the blanket and each side of the blazer away from her trembling body to reveal the white blouse absolutely drenched in sweat, the cotton material now entirely soaked through and completely stuck to her overheated skin.
"I don't feel well, Liv," Amanda moans as the room spins around her in a dizzying array of colors and sounds and her eyes squeeze shut to try and block everything out, resisting the urge to clamp her hands over her ears as well, as the loud noises from her fellow officers in the squad room trickle into the office.
"I would say that's the understatement of the year," Olivia corrects quietly, both hands now cupping Amanda's moist face and thumbs rubbing lightly across her prominent cheekbones. "You look like you've never felt worse. I have a T-shirt in my desk drawer that I was going to wear to the gym tonight. You can get changed into that and then I'll take you home, okay?"
Amanda nods miserably, trying desperately to keep her tears at bay as the older woman stands up to rummage around in her desk for the garment and produces a large red T-shirt a moment later, deciding not to put a voice to those uneasy thoughts that won't stop tormenting her; that all she wants is to stay here with the woman who makes her feel safe and cared for, that the feelings she has for her lieutenant are not what a subordinate should be feeling, and that she can't bear to spend the night in her lonely and silent apartment, cuddling with Frannie on the couch and wishing she was wrapped up in Olivia's arms instead.
"Do you need some help, honey?"
Amanda jumps in response to the soft voice that is suddenly right next to her ear, realizing that Olivia is crouched down on the floor in front of her again as she meets her boss' concerned dark gaze, those beautiful brown orbs boring straight into her own tired blue ones, and she shivers when she sees the depth of emotion there, trying to tell herself that Olivia is just worried for her very sick detective and nothing more; Amanda beginning to think that this fever is playing tricks on her mind and convincing her that there is something much deeper hiding within that intense gaze.
She shakes her head in reply as fumbling fingers scrabble with the buttons on her blouse, very determined to do this by herself and resolute in not needing her boss to help her get changed, but Amanda's movements are slow and clumsy and her fingers just refuse to cooperate no matter how hard she tries. She feels her hands being pushed gently away and shivers again when Olivia's fingers replace her own, the older woman asking for permission and Amanda reluctantly granting it before the brunette carefully unfastens the buttons and slides the garment over Amanda's shaking shoulders, along with the borrowed blazer that has likely been sweated profusely upon.
A quick glance down at her chest confirms that she has soaked right through her white bra as well and not much is being left to the imagination at this point, a dark red blush creeping across her pale cheeks when Olivia very delicately asks if she needs help removing that too. Amanda nods in answer to the question, feeling overwhelmed with the situation as Olivia drapes the blanket over her shoulders to give her some sense of privacy before reaching around the inside of the cover to unclasp the back of Amanda's bra, the other woman's fingers feeling smooth and cool against her burning hot skin as she begins to slide the undergarment down her arms.
Olivia's body is so close to her own that all Amanda has to do is lean forward the slightest amount and her head will be resting on the brunette's shoulder, and she fights the urge to just give in and beg for the comfort that she is so desperately craving. The older woman smells so good, a faint whiff of strawberries emanating from her hair and skin, and Amanda wants to bury her face into Olivia's neck and inhale the intoxicating scent, her quivering body on the verge of collapsing as her lieutenant tenderly removes her wet bra and sets it aside before reaching over for the T-shirt she had placed on the couch.
A tiny sob escapes from Amanda's mouth before she can hold it back, and her shoulders hunch up to ears in defense as Olivia pauses in her movements to stare intently at her, afraid that the woman she has so much admiration for will think she is being immature and needy. "Amanda, it's okay, sweetheart. I know you feel very sick right now, but I'm here with you and you're not alone."
Amanda dissolves into tears at her boss' gentle statement, heartbreakingly aware that although the brunette is just trying to be kind, it actually couldn't be further from the truth; that she will be more alone than ever when Olivia drops her off at home and then leaves, and she covers her face with her hands as the sobs come pouring out of her along with great big gasps of air, the tears streaking down her face to mingle in with the sweat from her fever, and her cheeks are very quickly as drenched as her clothing is.
"Oh, Amanda, what can I do for you?" Olivia asks softly, the other woman's hands gripping her arms firmly and her head ducking down to try and meet Amanda's watery gaze. "Tell me what I can do to help make you feel better."
The words seem to have taken on a life of their own and are leaving Amanda's lips before she can even attempt to put a stop to them, just like the whimpers and the sobs had; her shameful and embarrassing plea barely audible over the force of her own cries. "I want you to hold me."
Olivia complies right away as her arms close around Amanda's violently shuddering form without hesitation and she collapses against the taller woman in relief and despair, the silky cool material of the other woman's blouse coming into soothing physical contact with her feverishly hot skin. Despite Amanda's lack of dress, Olivia is clutching her back just as hard as she herself is grasping onto the brunette, and she realizes that her boss is maneuvering them so that they are both sitting on the couch now, Amanda folded tenderly into Olivia's body and wrapped up in her strong embrace.
Despite the fever that is raging steadily within her, Amanda knows that she needs to move; that she is cuddled up against her superior without a shirt on, bawling her eyes out on Olivia's shoulder while she sweats profusely onto the brunette's classy work outfit and grips onto the other woman like is intending on never letting go, and that even though the blinds are closed and the door is locked, someone could still knock at any time, needing the lieutenant's attention. Olivia seems to know that Amanda is incapable of moving at the moment; that although she has every intention of doing so, she just can't seem to get her shaking limbs to cooperate enough to reach out and put the T-shirt on, and the older woman pulls the blanket more securely over her body to shield Amanda's nudity, murmuring into her ear that she will help her finish changing whenever she is ready.
"Liv, you're going to get sick," Amanda mumbles regretfully when it dawns on her just what exactly is occurring right now; that she is snuggled up with her boss on the couch and is sobbing and sweating and breathing all over her, and should probably be pulling away before the germs that are invading her own body have the opportunity to transfer over to Olivia's.
"I'm not going to get sick," the other woman replies softly, a hint of guilt apparent in her tone, and Amanda feels a gentle kiss being pressed to the top of her head. "I think you caught this from me, actually. I was sick last week and trying my best to hide it, just like you've been doing."
"So you gave me this fever?" Amanda mutters in an accusing tone, feeling quite disgruntled with the situation but not enough to pull away. "It's your fault that I feel like I'm about to die?"
She hears a quiet chuckle before feeling another soft kiss land on the crown of her head. "I'm so sorry about that. It's been hard for any of us to miss work while this case has been going on. We've just had to drag ourselves through it, haven't we?"
"Yes, we have. It's been a pretty tough week," Amanda admits in low tone, giving a short sniffle as her tears begin to ebb and realizing that she is still molded right into her superior's body while naked from the waist up, that anxiety becoming very apparent again. "I should get dressed and head home, though. I don't want to get fired."
"Why would you get fired?" Olivia murmurs gently in response and Amanda can't help the watery laugh that bursts out of her, despite feeling like she is at death's door.
"Well, gee, I don't know," she snickers in a combination of embarrassment and exhaustion, still unable to tear herself away from the other woman's embrace no matter how hard she tries. "Do you want me to list the ways? Hugging you without a shirt on has to be right up near the top of the list."
A low rumbling laugh reverberates through Olivia's body and into her own as the brunette's arms tighten around her in a soothingly protective manner, as if assuring Amanda that she has nothing to worry about. "What's at the top of the list, then?"
"Huh?" Amanda replies in confusion.
"You said hugging me without a shirt on was right near the top of the list, so what's at the very top?" Olivia asks curiously, and Amanda is replying once again without giving it a second thought, cursing this damn fever for not letting her keep anything to herself, all of her secrets steadily being revealed one right after the other.
"My feelings for you."
There is complete and utter silence for a very long moment as it registers with an intense amount of alarm and an all-consuming panic what Amanda has just slipped out with, and her entire body goes rigid against Olivia's, sweating even more profusely now as the tears threaten to start up yet again. She begins to struggle in her boss' embrace while thrusting a hand out to grasp ahold of the T-shirt that is resting just out of reach of her fumbling fingers, trying desperately to escape what has suddenly become a very confining position while the heartfelt apologies fall repeatedly from her lips.
"Amanda, calm down, it's okay," Olivia assures her mildly as she plucks the garment from the cushion and hands it to her, Amanda's head bowed down in shame now, unable to even look the other woman in the eye as she continues to tell her superior how sorry she is, rambling on about what a high fever she has and how it is the fault of whatever illness is plaguing her and how she wouldn't be saying this if she wasn't very sick.
"Amanda, it's okay," the brunette says much more firmly this time, and she feels her lieutenant grasp onto her chin and gently tilt her head up so that their gazes are boring intently into each other. "You're going to get dressed and then I'm going to take you home and stay with you until you feel better." There is a slight pause and Amanda watches as a small smile tugs at the corners of Olivia's lips. "And when this fever goes away and you're thinking more clearly again, we can talk about your feelings for me."
Amanda stares at the older woman in sheer amazement, so many emotions swirling around inside of her that she is overwhelmed with all of the strong sensations, but what she is feeling the most is a kind of relief and happiness that she has never experienced before; finally having someone to take care of her while she is sick, not being alone in her apartment with only her dog for company, and the fact that Olivia is not pulling away from her in disgust or threatening to have her fired now that Amanda has finally confessed her feelings.
When Olivia leans down to place her lips right next to Amanda's ear to speak her next words in a loving tone, the other woman's arms tightening around her quivering body like she is never going to let go, there is an immense amount of joy that suddenly cuts right through the utter misery and despair of her high fever and intense loneliness and has her smiling radiantly back at Olivia.
"And we can talk about my feelings for you, too."