She, a csi: new york fanfic

Title: She

Summary: On a rare day off, Mac reflects on the one person, the only person that holds his heart and owns his love; his best friend Stella. Set against the Elvis Costello song 'SHE'. SMACKED fluffy/romantic one-shot

Disclaimer: I don't own Mac Taylor but I wish I did (course then I'd have no time for writing)! This is a piece of fan fiction. It is written for pleasure and not for profit. The characters of CSI New York and any other regular cast and supporting cast members all belong to CBS, Paramount & Jerry Bruckheimer and Anthony Zuiker. All other characters are my own. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

A/N: No matter what the lame writers decide to throw at us, all us SMACKIES know Mac's true love will always be Stella.

~Dedicated to Laurzz for the discussion around this and thanks gurl for everything! You are the best!~

Note: 'Words in bold and lyrics belong to the song 'SHE' by Elvis Costello. I hope it's not too distracting.

'You're what Mac? Actually taking your day off?'

'Why is that so hard for everyone to believe Stella?'

'You never take a day off; least of all take a day off and not come to work. Doing anything special?'

'Maybe.'

'Maybe?' She had arched an elegant brow in wonder.

'Maybe,' I repeated and then said nothing further; knowing my silence would drive her crazy.

'But you're not going to tell me the maybe? Is it with someone special?'

'Someone?'

'Damn it Mac, just tell me,' she had playfully insisted with that smile that always makes me go weak in the knees. But I am not a player so leading her on for no real reason is something I just can't do.

'To be honest, I am just feeling a little run down and need a day to...I guess...'

'Sleep?'

'Yes sleep,' I lightly echoed.

'Are you going to sleep all day?'

'No, why?'

'No reason.'

'And you get after me for being vague.'

'I am allowed,' she had teased in return, her delicate fingers resting on my arm, immediately sending warmth to that spot; my body and heart begging for something further, but my brain quickly reminding me of the very public work setting and so I pulled back, much to the silent dismay of both of us.

'So you have some time off tomorrow as well,' I finally decide to break the growing silence.

'I'm only working for a half day,' she had answered with a coy smile.

'And what are you doing with the rest of your day off?' I had questioned.

'Something special.'

'Really?'

'Really Mac.'

'With someone special?'

'With someone very special to me,' her perfect lips had curled into a warm mischievous smile but her eyes held sparkle and fire that even now ensure my heart beats faster.

'Can I ask who would that be?' I had asked with a heavy frown.

'Clueless man,' she had replied as her warm mouth planted a kiss on my cheek that even this morning I had trouble shaving that spot, fearing that it would be as elusive as the other times her lips touched my face in a fleeting display of romantic affection; but not getting anything further.

But she offered no further words; only left me standing in the middle of my office as she turned and headed for the door, golden curls bouncing around confident shoulders. She had turned back, offered me a warm smile with a quick wink and my heart literally skipped a beat. However, I stood there, captive in my spot, held carefully in place by time and space; unable to take any further steps toward cementing my future happiness. And then she was gone; and I was alone.

I remembered coming home last night, the working week finally finished but my mind in turmoil as I once again allowed the stifling silence of my lonely apartment to embrace me in its waiting arms. At one time I had found the silence comforting, almost welcoming at the end of a hectic day, wanting to drown out all the voices that my mind was unable to silence until I was away from the working arena. But now I hate this silence; come to loathe the very thing I longed for. I know I'm to blame for this silence, and in my mind I am already damned.

I had allowed myself a simple dinner last night and then was surprised when I actually slept for longer than a few hours, mostly daring myself so that I could go into work on Monday and brag to my partner that I was able to do the impossible.

But as I absently pour myself my first cup of coffee for the morning and slowly head over to the living room window, easing myself down on the sill; I have to admit the simple truth, I slept because my mind was dwelling on her.

She.

The one person who has filled my life with so many things. Happy memories; sad moments; tense situations and terrifying ordeals. But through it all, she has been at my side; she has been the one I have turned to and confided in; the one I have allowed myself to lower my defenses for; and the one I care for more than anything.

She has shown me that life does go on and that love indeed rises from even the most dismal ashes; that despite surviving hell, heaven is just around the corner. And she has given me the strength I needed to face the world again after my life seemed it's bleakest.

She has given me the courage I need to face my inner demons from the past and then given me the hope I need to believe in when all other lights had gone out; my future once again secure.

"Stella," her name crosses my lips and automatically they curl upward into a warm smile. My body exhales a weary sigh but my mind and heart are at peace. I take a sip of my coffee and allow my mind to wander. She. The most amazing woman that God created; has now blessed me with; and given me the privilege of coming into my life.

"I know at times I don't deserve her," I whisper with torment as I open my eyes and stare outside into the grey New York morning as the rain slowly starts to pelt the clear windowpane with sad raindrops; reflecting my somber expression but once again holding no key to my future happiness. "But I need her," I confess into the stillness of my apartment. I lean my head against the coolness of the glass and allow my body to offer a heavy sigh.

"I love her," I finally admit in truth as I take another sip of coffee. I open my eyes, my brain showing me images of her watching me from the kitchen table with a warm smile on her beautiful face. "How can I ever tell her?" I query.

She.

The only woman I have ever really felt that second elusive connection with; the only woman I wanted to turn all others away for; the only woman that I would ever give my love to until I am no more.

"Stella," I echo again.

I allow my mind to once again listen to the silence until my ears finally pick up a song playing softly in the background; my brain starting to conjure up images of an amazing history that I have shared with a woman who is my life.

~She
'May be the face I can't forget...'

'Mac, why are you going back to New York?'
'I'm sorry Peyton, I don't belong here.'
'Your heart is not here.'
'My heart is not here.'
'She's not here?'
'She's not here.'

'The trace of pleasure or regret...'

'This is hard for me because I care about you Stella.'
'You know I don't need coffee grounds to tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life Mac.'
'You see this S, this stands for Stella, the woman in your life; who you sometimes adore and who sometimes drives you crazy.'

'May be my treasure or the price I have to pay...'

'You should have told me Stella...you know how I hate to be surprised by...'
'Hilborne's just trying...'
'You should have been thinking about Lipstone...'
'I know how trials work Mac...'
'Good, act like it...'

~She
'May be the song that summer sings...'

'Stella?'
'My air conditioning unit is being fixed Mac, mind if I hang here for a few hours?'
'Sure, I was just going to make some dinner. Would you like some?'
'Would love some. Got any ice water?'
'How about a cold beer?'
'Now you're talkin.'

'May be the chill that autumn brings...'

'Stella? You okay on this one?'
'Fine Mac.'
'Because if you...'
'I said I got this one.'
'If at any time you want to back out, let me know.'
'Thanks Mac, but I have worked on school age children before, even foster ones.'

'May be a hundred different things...'

'Come on Mac, friendly bet on which dog will...'
'Listen you rotten bastard, she's dead because you...'
'Let me fix your tie Mac...'
'I couldn't help him Mac. I feel like he died because I failed in some way...'
'I have a motive, some evidence, means but no...'
'We take care of each other Mac, that's what we do.'

~Within the measure of a day~

I allow myself to slip off the window sill and head over to my small DVD player, pressing repeat on the song that now has my mind replaying highlight reels of Stella Bonasera snippets; images that I know will carry me through the day until I see her again; knowing inside that Monday can't come fast enough.

I finally wander over to my favorite chair, my mind picturing her sitting across from me as my mental highlight reel continues to play. She looks up and smiles and my heart is once again at ease.

~She
'May be the beauty or the beast...'

'You like?'
'In that dress? Are you expecting an answer?'
'I take it that's a yes.'
'That's a yes.'
'Hope my date will also.'
'Right.'
'Mac?'
'Nothing.'

'May be the famine or the feast...'

'Mac you don't have to stay if I'm sick.'
'I don't mind.'
'By the end of today you are going to be sick of me.'
'Never happen Stella, not if...'
'If what Mac? Tell me.'
'Not if I had to see you ever second of every day for the rest of my life.'

'May turn each day into a heaven or a hell...'

'You lied to me Stella.'
'It wasn't my intent.'
'Why didn't you tell me...gave you a direct order, you chose to ignore it!'
'I made a decision Mac, frankly I would make the same decision...'
'You have any idea the position you put me in?'
'Yes I do. You know I'm going to make it easy for you...'

'She may be the mirror of my dreams...'

'I love when you play for me Mac.'
'When I play my soul is somehow freed and I owe that to you.'
'Mac?'
'I feel like I can just let go and be myself without being judged.'
'Hearing you say that makes this all worthwhile.'
Then 'I'm glad you came tonight.'
'Me too.'

'The smile reflected in a stream...'

'Did you just shower?'
'Yeah had to cool down or at least calm the voices in my head.'
'Anything I can do to help?'
'Give me your famous Taylor lecture so that I can get back on track?'
'Are you sure you want that?'
'I need it.'

'She may not be what she may seem...'

'Stella you okay?'
'Fine Mac.'
'No more leaping off iron railings, is that clear? Joe isn't worth your life.'
'Trust me I'll leave the leaping of tall buildings to the real Superman.'
'Funny.'
'Mac I'm fine. You know I take a lickin' and keep on tickin.'

~Inside her shell~

I allow my coffee cup to rest on the arm of the chair, her voice whispering to me that she's happy that I am just resting today; her loving concern something that I still feel is undeserved but never unappreciated. "I just need to show her how much she means to me."

And despite the bad times, the tough times, the times I went through hell for her or because of her; I would do it all over again. I need her in my life; she is part of the reason I never take days off; part of the reason I get up and go to work for; part of the reason I even exist at all.

She.

She is the only person that has seen me at my best and helped me become a better man and the only person strong enough to see me at my worst and helped me become a stronger man. I would be lost without her. She is my life.

~She
'Who always seems so happy in a crowd...'

'Should be a no brainer for you...'
'Come on Mac you gotta admit, being this close is pretty cool...'
'You really know how to show a girl a good time Mac...'
'Let's go watch the team hand out the gifts Mac...'
'Come on Mac, it's not that hard, just watch my feet.'
'I've missed that smile...'

'Whose eyes can be so private and so proud...'

'Stella, you okay?'
'Fine Mac, I'll survive this.'
'Is there anything I can do to help?'
'Not this time.'
'Want to talk about it?'
'Not this time.'

'No one's allowed to see them when they cry...'

'Stella you always told me that to show your weakness around those who care is a sign of strength.'
'This isn't one of those times Mac.'
'I know what it's like to lose someone you care about.'
'I know Mac...'
'Stella you cried in Greece in front of me..I...'
'I know Mac, but...'
'You can always trust me with that Stella. Always.'

~She
'May be the love that cannot hope to last...'

'What's on your mind Stella?'
'Nothing Mac.'
'You get after me for not answering you.'
'You always have more to hide.'
'Right. Please?'
'Love Mac, I am thinking about love.'

'May come to me from shadows of the past...'

'How long do you think love lasts Mac?'
'True love?'
'True love.'
'Forever.'
'Sentimental notion.'
'You asked. Why did you ask?'
'I...'

~That I'll remember till the day I die~

I wander back into the kitchen, my cup empty and mind telling me that despite the fact I have the day off I should get something productive done. I glance at a small picture of Stella and I at last year's staff party and once again my lips automatically curl upward. But the longer I allow myself to dwell on the picture, my heart starts to ache that I am alone and might always be; a terrifying future of dying unloved and forgotten always pushing to the fore. She said she is spending the rest of her day off with someone special. Who? Another man? Could that really be it? Is my fate already cruelly sealed? Is hope already dead? Is my future once again lost due to my own short sightedness?

I give my head a shake as I head into my bedroom to get my day started. But once again I stop and allow my mind to settle on another picture of us.

"Stella..." my voice dies out in torment. "I miss you."

~She
'May be the reason I survive...'

'I don't think I could do this job without you.'
'Yes you would, you just wouldn't be as good at it.'
'Ah right.'
'Friends?'
'Friends.'

'The why and wherefore I'm alive...'

'I can't go to Ground Zero Stella, I just can't go this year.'
'I'll go with you Mac.'
'But...why?'
'Because I won't let you fall Mac. Ever.'
'Stella...'
'Trust me Mac, I care too much to ever let that happen to you.'

~The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years~

"I love you Stella," I whisper as I stare at the picture a few minutes longer, my core staring to warm and my heart starting to beat a bit faster. I care about her; she's my best friend. She is the one person I want to offer my heart to; the one person I want to share my future with; the one person I want to want, to need and to love. "With all my heart."

I offer myself a heavy sigh as I toss my nightshirt into the laundry and then head toward the bathroom to get my day officially started. I reach for my razor and then allow my mind to wander once again; drifting to a few more mental highlights of my beloved partner; the one person that I am now missing more than I might care to ever admit to a living soul.

~Me
'I'll take her laughter and her tears...'

'Seriously Mac, you can't do that again.'
'Why not? I like hearing you laugh.'
'I'm actually crying I'm laughing so hard.'
'At least my mistakes can bring you some joy.'
'Okay how's this, I'm not laughing at you, but with you?'
'Still not funny.'

'And make them all my souvenirs...'

And I have made them all my souvenirs; ever since she came into my life I have treasured every minute spent in her company. From the laughter, the tears, the fights, the smiles, the kisses and the amazing quiet moments over the years; sometimes words never spoken; never needed to show what we were both feeling inside "I have to tell her. Maybe over dinner?" I quickly finish my shower and then head back into my bedroom to get dressed.

I have no plans for the day; never really wanting to spend a day off from work before. The few times I have in the past, I have always found some reason or excuse to go to work or weave work into my time; I hate to be alone. And yet the one thing I fear more than anything, is the one course I seem to be offering to myself. I know only I can change it; what still holds me back? Fear. Fear of what? Fear of losing the one thing I hold most precious to me in this world. She.

'For where she goes I've got to be...'

I want to be where Stella is; and if she's at work then I want to be there also. I miss her smile, her laughter, her sparkling eyes, her amazing body and her loving personality. I miss her vibrance, her enthusiasm, her beauty, her in all her glory. I wish she was here right now. But as always I hold myself back, not really knowing why; as each step I take away from her I curse myself for not showing her what I am feeling inside; for not telling her how I really feel and not allowing her to know that she's in my heart. I finally resolve that I am going to get dressed, swallow my melancholy and act on what I know is in my heart.

I finish getting dressed, and hear a soft knock on the door. "What on earth?" I ask with a gentle frown as I head toward the door. But just as I open the door, the song that is now stuck in my head comes to an end; finishing on a note that defines my very existence. Stella is my life.

'The meaning of my life is...'

"Stella?"

~She~

"Hi Mac."

"Everything okay?"

"Something need to be wrong in order for me to visit you?"

"No of course not," I reply in haste, giving my head a much needed shake as I step back a few feet and allow her to enter. "Come in."

"Did you eat breakfast? Because I'm betting you only had coffee for breakfast. Am I right?"

I stare at her with a warm smile; even now she knows me better than I think I know myself. It's a bit unnerving but I am comforted by her loving concern.

She makes me feel like I am wanted, needed, and perhaps even loved. But time has taught me one important lesson, time isn't on our side; it laughs at our failings, taunts our helplessness and shows us that if we take it for granted, it will deny us what we want the most; just because it knows it can.

"You would be right," I have to confess with a slight smirk. I stare at the sparkle that her emerald eyes hold and feel my heart starting to pick up the pace.

She came here for a reason and I know that if I were to not act on it right now, then I would be showing time that it has once again one upped Mac Taylor. And I refuse to allow myself to be duped again. I lost one woman to that cold hearted monster; I'll not lose another.

"Did you have lunch?"

"No and that's why I'm here," she tells me with a smile as she leans in closer. "Mmm you smell good," she whispers as her body stands mere inches from mine; my core instantly heating.

"You want to have lunch?"

"I would love that Mac. But since today is your day off we are going to put that to good use."

"We are going to order in?" I ask and she rewards me with light musical laughter.

"Maybe for dinner."

"Dinner?" I ask weakly.

"Yes dinner. But first you are going to put on your coat and shoes, take my arm and we are going to walk down to the market, buy us some of the best ingredients you can afford and then we'll come back here and make a lunch you'll never forget."

"Never forget?"

"Well Mac today is a day to celebrate."

"Why?"

"You are actually taking time to relax," she tells me in truth as her soft fingers gently rest against my warm cheek, forcing my eyes to briefly close, my heart racing. "And to see you so relaxed warms my heart," she whispers as she slowly guides her lips to mine and tenderly tastes them. "Especially since you are doing it with me."

"Wouldn't want to with anyone else," I confess as it's my turn to return the favor and kiss her.

The second kiss only lasts a few seconds, but to me it feels like a lifetime of passion and regret all at once. I felt electrical shocks all the way down to my feet and I swear my heart skipped several beats. She pulls back with a warm smile on her face and I know that I have waited too long to allow another moment to pass us by without at least acting on a few things that I am feeling inside.

I gently cup her beautiful face in my hands and guide her lips back to mine; once again flooding my entire being with warm passion and love. Her body gently presses into mine; giving itself to me freely and willingly and my heart swells with love and devotion.

"Wow Mac..." she whispers, almost out of breath, her face just as flushed as mine feels.

"Stella, I have to tell you something."

"You're not having second thoughts about..."

"I love you."

"What?"

"With all my heart. I think I always have and I'm saying it...because I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I love you."

Her arms wrap around my neck as she pulls me into her warm embrace, her eyes watering and her heart beating against mine.

"I love you too Mac," she whispers in my ear and I close my eyes again, thanking God that I finally had the courage to act upon what's inside my heart.

She is my life; my future.

She is the only one I want to see when I wake up; the only one I want to fall asleep with and the only one I want at my side until I offer my last breath on this earth. And she was right, today is something to celebrate. Today I finally showed time that I'm not afraid of it anymore; not going to allow it to get the mastery over me and most importantly not allow it to take Stella away from me for one more minute.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

'The meaning of my life is...'

~She~

THE END!

A/N: Okay so hope that was easy to read! And yes some of the song memories are from the show and some are made up. And needed some cheering up since we are both dreading tonight's eppy with you know who showing up and hopefully it made you smile also! Was going to wait to post but figured I might not survive tonight so thought I'd post today while the muse is still alive (eek)! Lol Please review and let me know what you thought!