Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire
in 7 minutes or less
Spoilers!
(duh)
Petrie: Long, long time ago...
So it's Petrie narrating this time, eh? I honestly have no problem with that. You're off the hook this time.
Obvious CGI landscape is obvious CGI. (ding)
The animation still looks good, but couldn't we have stuck with the natural, earthy color scheme rather than this vibrant one? (ding)
Ducky: I did not know you had an uncle.
Petrie: Well, um, that because he go away when we all babies.
Actually, I think it's because he wasn't written until this installment of the franchise. (ding)
Grandma: Littlefoot! Littlefoot!
Ducky: Littlefoot, that is you grandma calling.
Sounds more like she's singing his name. (ding)
Cera's dad: Cera! Time for bed!
Time for bed only at dusk? I'd think after six movies, their curfew might be later than that. (ding)
Cera: A world run by flyers. Ha!
Petrie: Was too!
The real response would be something more along the lines of, "Well, it was". (ding)
Petrie: Was too.
Cera: Was not.
Petrie: Was too.
Cera: Was not.
(they leave the scene)
No wait! I wanted to see how long they could keep up the "was not"'s and "was too"'s. (ding)
Pine cone happens to be lying there, so that Littlefoot can roll over on it, wake up, and see the flying rock. (ding)
(Littlefoot wakes up his grandparents)
Littlefoot: Grandma! Grandpa! Did you see it?
They're f*cking asleep! (ding)
Grandma: Wasn't what amazing, Littlefoot?
Littlefoot: You didn't see any of it?
THEY WERE F*CKING ASLEEP! (ding)
Grandma: You see, dear, word has gotten around.
Ducky's mom: And it's made some of our guests a bit, well...upset.
Why upset? What did a flying rock ever do to them? Did it cut off their supply of water? (ding)
Grandpa: Or maybe it was something you saw in a dream. Isn't that also possible?
Littlefoot: Well, I guess so.
Why do you guess so? You immediately woke up Grandma and Grandpa after it landed. (ding)
Rainbow Face #1: Ah, then why do you call the Mysterious Beyond "mysterious"?
Movie asks the same question I've been asking since movie #2. S*it, they've ventured out into it multiple times since then additionally to coming from it. Maybe the name should be changed to...
Rainbow Face#1: Why not the Boring Beyond? Or the Ooh, Nothing Out Here of Any Interest to Us Beyond? (ding)
Rainbow Faces: We can set our sights beyond the sky
All: Or maybe even higher
Are the creators of this evolutionist movie suggesting the existence of a creator? Or was it made by some "Evolutionary Christians"? Either way, that's cool. No sin.
Rainbow Face #1: What if it was, for example, a Stone of Cold Fire?
Roll credits. (ding)
Cera's dad: You're not from around here, are you?
Rainbow Face #2: You might say that.
Cera's dad: Then let me tell you how things work in these parts.
Cera's dad is still a brat. (ding)
Petrie: You hear grown ups. Smoking mountains too dangerous.
(Pterano lands on the branch above Petrie)
Pterano: Nonsense!
What a way to introduce yourself. (ding)
Pterano: Only searching an unforgiving wasteland to find a more hospitable place to call home.
Cera: Well, you won't find it here.
Cera is still a brat. (ding)
Petrie: But me believe Littlefoot.
Littlefoot: You do?
Cera: So much for "story too spooky".
All he said was that he didn't want to think about it. Just because he finds it spooky doesn't mean he didn't believe Littlefoot. (ding)
(Pterano smacks Sierra and Rinkus both in the beak at once)
Double kill! (ding)
Petrie: Oh, that okay. Me stay here with Uncle Pterano.
Cera: Petrie, it's time to go!
How dare you want to stay with one of your relatives! (ding)
Littlefoot: I just...I suddenly felt kind of dirty.
Grandpa: Were you splashing around in the bubbling mud again?
Parents ask if their child has been splashing in mud again cliche. (ding)
Grandpa: What nerve! We could see just fine. As a matter of fact, we saw right through him!
There's a triple meaning in that, including the fact that Pterano's wings are translucent. (ding)
Petrie's mom: Pterano, it's time for the young ones to take their nap.
They still need naps too? How old are these characters? (ding)
Littlefoot: It went over the top of threehorn peak.
That mountaintop makes the sharptooth-shaped tree trunk in the fifth movie make sense. (ding)
Pterano sits still as a statue for 7 seconds. (ding)
This sauropod dinosaur doesn't feel Ducky crawling up its back. (ding)
Pterano: (speaking loudly) I work for the greater good. My purpose is noble!
And nor does it hear Pterano. (ding)
Ducky: Oh no, no, no. I must tell Littlefoot.
Uh no, Ducky. You should probably just yell for everyone to wake up and then announce what Pterano is up to. (ding)
(Ducky screams)
Rinkus: What was that?
Welcome to The Land Before Time, Rinkus. (ding)
(the flyers take off with Ducky screaming)
Adults: What's happening?! What was that? Is that? Sharpteeth!
I think there are more things other than sharpteeth that would make someone scream. Anyway, the great wall locks them out, right? (ding)
Petrie: Where she going?
Littlefoot: Wherever your uncle and the other flyers are taking her.
Petrie: You wrong!
It's so obviously them, Petrie. (ding)
Rinkus: Now buzz off!
(Rinkus smacks Petrie, and Petrie just ceases to fly and begins falling)
Petrie gets stunned by a slap from another flyer's wing. (ding)
That's half of the exact same shot we saw of Littlefoot 16 seconds ago. (ding)
Cera's dad: Angry? Oh, I'm not angry. I'M FURIOUS!
I'm not something bad, I'm a level worse cliche. (ding)
Grandpa: We too set out the find the Great Valley. Then, as now, we made our decisions as a group.
It's pretty cool how Pterano's back story ties in with the original movie. The only problem here is that the dinosaurs were racist against each other back then. I guess we can just assume that they came together the same way Littlefoot and his friends did. Not entirely implausible, but still a sin. (ding)
Grandpa's face is the wrong color in this shot. (ding)
Ducky's mom: We all know what happened before. Right now, someone has got to go rescue my little Ducky!
Because Rubber Ducky, you're the one! (ding)
Littlefoot: I told them where the flying rock is. Why don't they go?
Littlefoot would be good at CinemaSins. (ding)
Cera: Aren't you forgetting? The grown ups said the smoking mountains are off limits.
Petrie: Yeah, they be real mad if we gone.
Never stopped you guys before. (ding)
Sierra: I've been putting up with that whiny little voice since we took off. Nope, nope, nope! Yep, yep, yep! It's driving me NUTS, NUTS, NUTS!
Sierra would be good at CinemaSins. (ding)
(Sierra smacks his beak on the ground trying to get Ducky)
What, was Sierra trying to bite her? (ding)
Cera: This time, I'm going to be the one who goes first. So if there's trouble, I'm not stuck behind screaming my head off.
Cera would be good at Cine...You know what, f*ck it. This is what's awesome about this movie. It's practically parodying itself. In fact, retract those other two sins. (two reversed dings)
Littlefoot: Well, at least we're all here. I mean, except for Ducky.
Cera: Poor Ducky.
Yeah, so start looking for her again! (ding)
Ducky: Do not feel bad. Your uncle is not as mean as the other flyers.
Petrie: He not?
Ducky: Oh, no. He was very sad when they dropped me. He was. He was. (breaks into song) Everybody has a lot of good inside them
Three exchanged lines can now segue into a song. (ding)
Ducky and Petrie: Everybody has good inside
They clearly have not met the assholes from CinemaSins. (ding)
(Ducky bites Sierra's toe claw)
(he drops her)
Evidently, Sierra has nerves in his toenail. (ding)
These two flat pieces of wood happen to be here so the dinosaurs can come up with the idea for water skiing. (ding)
Sierra: Once we take over, first thing I'm going to do is feed them overgrown eggs to sharpteeth.
Pterano: Sh...sharpteeth?
Just the word makes a sophisticated adult quiver with fear. (ding)
Pterano: I'll use my own intelligence/to find that magical stone
Pterano continues to get his hopes up about the stone being able to grant him powers, but doesn't at all consider the other rumors he heard from the rainbow faces about what a Stone of Cold Fire might do. (ding)
Sierra's beak is as flexible as the egg shells in these movies. (ding)
Petrie: How you get in here?
Yeah, it couldn't have been through the same entrance that you guys entered through. (ding)
The shaft thins at that exact point so that the flat rock can be wedged in the shaft at their level. (ding)
(the steam shoots up the shaft pushes the flat rock, and the kids, toward the top of the mountain)
We interrupt this prehistoric kids movie to bring you Journey To the Center of the Earth. (ding)
(the kids jump off the rock as it reaches the top)
(the rock falls toward Petrie)
Petrie doesn't bother flying out of the way. (ding)
Volcanoes really do have great dramatic timing. (ding)
Ducky: Petrie was right. Somewhere inside, you are good.
No, that would be you who was right, Ducky. (ding)
Grandpa: Quite frankly, Pterano, your behavior has been inexcusable.
Cera's dad looks amazed at this. (ding)
Littlefoot: Hey, the farwalkers are about to leave. Let's watch them go.
Just watch? (ding)
(Littlefoot watches as the two rainbow faces leave by an unknown means)
So they leave the actual identity and occupation of these rainbow faces ambiguous? How many other kids' movies leave questions open for the audience to think about? That's f*cking genius! Even worthy of knocking off an additional 20 sins. Any objections? (20 reversed dings)
(the right half of Cera's body is missing completely)
Petrie: What you know we no know?
All I want to know is where the ride side of Cera went. (ding)
Littlefoot: Thinking about how much we still have to learn.
Littlefoot's mouth didn't move there. (ding)
Movie Sin Tally: 37
Bonus Round:
WHATEVER...SCREAMS
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Movie Sin Tally: 48
Sentence: A TRAILER THAT GETS THE TITLE WRONG ( watch?v=kTrmj_ePt7A)
For whatever reason, it's not letting put in the entire url for the trailer I'm referring to, so just put in the url for Youtube and then add the rest that did make it in there.