AN: Oh, you know, just one of my favorite characters having some fun and being screechy, as always. Written because I just rewatched Paradise Towers and wanted to do something with the "Pex Lives" graffiti at the end. Spoilers for that episode, although, let's be honest. It's over twenty years old and isn't quite the most popular story. If you're reading this in the first place, I doubt you'll mind too much. I don't own these characters.
Travelling with Glitz wasn't nearly as fun as travelling with the Doctor had been, Mel thought. It was generally less dangerous, yes, but, by the same token, it gave her life less of a thrill. More than a thrill than she'd ever gotten in Pease Pottage, mind you, but not nearly so much as she'd gotten in the TARDIS. She was almost thankful when Glitz would get himself entangled in another deal gone wrong. Running away from troubles indefinitely, just like old times!
All things considered, it wasn't too bad. The Nosferatu II was a decent enough ship, to say the least, and it certainly commanded a lot more respect from locals than the TARDIS ever did. It was a good, proper spaceship, instead of some outdated telephone box. She felt much more helpful there, since Glitz's steering capabilities were often lackluster and he needed help maintaining the ship, something the Doctor would never have let her do. Her duties also often included cooking, cleaning, and, well, just about everything.
Mel snorted. The way she interacted with him, it was almost like they were husband and wife. That is, they would be if there were any sort of romantic relationship involved. One look at Glitz was all Mel needed to remind herself that she wanted no such thing.
Never mind. It was exactly as though they were married.
Sighing, Mel trudged off to the control room of the spacecraft, wondering what exactly Glitz was up to and where he was planning on going now. She stopped right in her tracks, however, when she noticed her travelling companion sleeping soundly in the corner, the bottle of rum in his hand spilling on to the floor, and the windshield giving her sure signs that the two might very soon crash into the planet (or asteroid or planetoid; they were far too close for her to figure it out) ahead of them.
She jumped into action, kicking Glitz awake in the process. As she jumped into the pilot's seat, she jerked the steering mechanism upwards, making the entire ship shake a bit. Mel readied the landing gear, preparing the rickety spacecraft for a somewhat unpleasant descent. Adrenaline rushed through her veins, making her heart beat faster, as she tried to avoid driving the nose of the ship straight into the ground.
Her piercing shriek echoed in the small cockpit, loud enough to rouse Glitz to cover his ears and stand up. Mel pulled levers and pushed buttons, all in hopes to make their potential peril as painless as possible.
After a good thirty seconds of complete fear, the Nosferatu II hit the ground with an audible clonk.
Mel's heartbeat slowed down to its normal rate once more. She turned around solemnly, glaring at her companion, whose ears were still covered. Despite her diminutive stature, she could still scream like it was nobody's business, and, boy, was he going to hear about it.
"You bloody incompetent buffoon!" she yelled, punctuating each word with a pointed jab at his chest. "Your little bout of drinking nearly got us killed!" She had him backed into the corner in a state of absolute cowardice. Her nostrils flared and her eyes glowered. With a wave of her hands and an unintelligible shout that could best be translated to in any language as, "Gahaghh!" she stormed out of the room, hoping that, with any luck, the atmosphere on this planet would be breathable enough for her to leave the ship for some fresh air.
Fortunately, a quick check proved that the air was, essentially, Earth's own. As she lowered the escape stairs, she didn't even bother to see what the world outside looked like. All that mattered right then was that she got out, maybe take a power walk or anything else that could possibly calm her nerves. Were she not in such a state, she would have worried about ruining her rather pristine blue-and-white polka dotted ensemble, but this was no such time fret about sweating on her clothes.
As her feet touched the ground, though, she noticed that something seemed very familiar. Too familiar. Had the Nosferatu II been here before? No, it couldn't possibly have been. If it had, Mel thought, there was no possible way that she could have made it this far without being shot down.
Wandering out behind the ship, she could see how the enormous buildings of what looked to be a rather nice complex jutted out of the ground. The windows shimmered just a bit, reflecting light onto the enormous pools of water in front of them. Familiar, yes, but not quite right. She couldn't place it until she noticed the enormous statues that guarded the gates.
The statues, crudely crafted of gold, were of three people. The first, and considerably most prominent, as it was situated in the middle, was of a boy she had watched die as he had thrown himself into a trap with a stick of dynamite. His lean figure stood tall over the others, and his pose was positively heroic.
The second, to its left, was shorter, stouter, and sported a small hat. She recognized this figure, as well, as she had travelled with its lookalike for so long.
The third was of Mel herself.
Mel walked towards the enormous gate in amazement, paying no heed to the frantic Glitz who had exited the spaceship behind her and was now following her. On the statue's pedestal, there was an inscription, which read:
Within these gates is a paradise protected by
Pex
The warrior who so gallantly gave his life for the good of the Kang and whose bravery killed Kroagnon
The Doctor
The wise man whose knowledge proved a basis for all Kang education
and
Mel
The kind princess who inspired us all
Underneath the epitaph was some rather large graffiti, which was much simpler:
Pex lives!
Mel laughed just a bit. She got the strangest feeling that much time had passed since she had last been here; the suspicion due in part, no doubt, to her description as a princess. This warm tribute was nearly enough to make her forget her earlier anger at the moron who had nearly cost the two of them their lives.
Behind the gate, a small group of citizens had begun to flock in wonder. Just passerbys, Mel assumed, thinking nothing of the fact that the statues in front of her, despite being of a more modern design, were really quite accurate. While much time –centuries, perhaps- had passed for the locals here, Mel had merely been a way for a year or so.
The doors to the gate swung open with a crisp whoosh as two large, muscular men grabbed her by the waist and legs and displayed her above the crowd for all to see. "Our princess is returned to us!" they shouted with gloried cries.
Mel, however, felt no such sense of glory. "Put me down!" she screeched, clawing at their shoulders. She realized quite suddenly that her outfit today was quite the wrong choice –indeed, she had worn precisely the same clothing the last time she was here. Oh, bugger.
The cheers from the crowd were lovely, though.
No, Mel told herself. She had to stop this nonsense. "I'm not a princess! I've never been a princess!" Her voice scratched as it rose in pitch and volume. As they continued to hail her in the air, her mass of orange curls flopped about unceremoniously. "I said, put me down! I've never even seen you people before, and I am certainly not returned to you!" The more she shouted, the more her cheeks blushed in anger.
An elderly woman stepped forth from the crowd. "My mother would tell tales of you, of the Doctor, of Pex. You fit her description exactly!" Her eyes twinkled. "Survivor of cannibals, she said. Destroyer of robots, she said. Great and noble love of Pex, she said."
"Great and noble what?"
"You have returned to Paradise Towers, our majestic city, and you will be most celebrated!"
"But Paradise Towers was just a building," Mel interrupted, in wonder. "What do you mean, city?"
"A great and bountiful metropolis has formed because of your inspiration, Lord Doctor's infinite wisdom, and the Great Pex's loyal bravery!" The woman's smile spread further. "We do hope your majesty is most pleased."
Mel rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't be ridiculous-"
"Do not deny us our celebration, your majesty." The woman turned to the crowd. "It is she! The great Lady Mel of Tardis!"
The crowd gave a mighty roar as Mel was hoisted higher still. She twisted her neck to look back at the Nosferatu II, and saw that Glitz was standing back a bit, eyes wide and brow furrowed with sheer incredulity. "Oh, alright, then." She gave up arguing, turning her head back to the crowd in front of her as her carriers jolted her with their long strides to carry her into town.
As she moved, people began to stop in the town square, gather at their windows, cover their mouths in awe. Mel frowned, suddenly quite self-conscious about being the center of attention. For goodness' sake, she'd been to so many places; this one had hardly been anything too special for her. It couldn't even compete with her experiences with the Valeyard or the Rani. Heck, it couldn't even compete with her experiences with Glitz.
The people of Paradise Towers cheered as she was transported through their city. Finally, her carriers entered the building she remembered visiting and stopped at a shrine of sorts. Mel recognized it instantly as the place where Pex had sacrificed himself with that dynamite. The thing was, now it had been decorated with a mural depicting a story. A very exaggerated story, she noted.
The mural showed Pex fighting off the cannibalistic Tilda and Tabby (who, according to the picture, had saber teeth and talons) with his bare hands. It showed him fighting off Cleaners while Mel smashed out ever last bit of a robot crab using nothing but a shoe. It showed the two entangled in a passionate kiss before he gave his life for the good of Kangs, Rezzies, and Caretakers alike. Try as she might, Mel had quite a bit of trouble stifling her giggles when she saw it in its entirety.
"That's really quite lovely," she managed to say through her laughter. "When was it painted?"
The woman from earlier spoke up. "A week after your departure, your majesty. My mother painted it herself." She flashed a proud smile.
"Oh. And who was your mother, exactly?"
"Fire Escape of the Red Kangs." Tears were welling up behind her eyelids. "She always told me that the day that you and Lord Doctor arrived was the turning point for Kang society."
"Ah." Mel grinned. "I remember her." She finally asked the question she had been meaning to ask this entire time. "How long ago did all of this take place, exactly?"
"Eighty-six years ago and…" The woman counted on her fingers. "Sixty-seven days."
"Sixty-seven days?"
"Well, you did say exactly."
Mel shrugged. She couldn't argue with that. So, it had been decades, and not centuries; much less time than she had thought. She was rather hoping that she could get out of the city sooner still. She needed to find a way out, and fast. As she looked around her, she found her way out.
The people on every side of her had begun to kneel, even the elderly, as if she were some sort of goddess. Well, she'd certainly never been called that before, although that reaction wasn't a surprise. To be fair, she'd hardly aged in the past eighty-six years and sixty-seven days. At any rate, she hoped with all of her might that she could use this to her advantage.
"People of the Kang society," Mel began, in her most convincing imperial voice (which, she noticed, still had a scratch to it), "I thank you for your hospitality. Lord Doctor shall be very pleased to hear of your progress." The crowd erupted into cheers at this statement. "I can only hope that you will continue to grow over the next eighty-six years. Swim through the seas of your forefathers. Enjoy your paradise as it ought to be enjoyed." She was really getting in to it. Oh, this certainly couldn't be getting to her head at all. "I must return to my ship, now, to help others as you have been helped and to free people from the shackles of chaos! But, fear not, because my protection will forever extend to Kangs and Rezzies and Caretakers alike!"
The crowd went absolutely wild as she was escorted out. Mel felt quite certain that she could get used to being a goddess, and almost regretted deciding to go. But go she must, and, as she was nearly out the door, she thought of one last thing to shout to her adorers.
"And remember to drink lots of carrot juice!"
When her carriers finally returned her to the gates, she felt rather dizzy. A common side-effect, she supposed, of being grabbed by the legs and poised upon the shoulders of unfamiliar men. As they put her back on solid ground, she found that her legs had trouble moving properly, and she quickly fell over. She didn't hit the ground, of course, because no self-respecting citizens of Paradise Towers would let her fall. Darn right, they wouldn't, Mel told herself. After all, she had attained goddess status.
As she stood back upright, Glitz ran from his position near the ship to her, still in shock from the earlier events by the statues.
"Farewell, your majesty, and good luck on all your travels!" Her carriers saluted her.
Mel smiled. Before leaving, she had one last thing to say, not quite ready to give up the perks of her title. "What are your names?"
"I am Ryx, and this is Hox," replied one of the two men.
"Well, then, I now appoint the two of you to Sir Ryx and Sir Hox." Delighted looks spread across the men's faces as Mel strutted back to the Nosferatu II.
"What was all that about, then?" Glitz cried as he ran after her up the steps.
"Oh, you know." She smirked, her anger from earlier that day totally disappeared. "You help rescue a civilization, and, suddenly, you're a princess whose every step is worshipped."
"Huh."
The look on his face made her laugh. "Well, come on, then! There are so many planets in this universe; one of us has got to look important enough on one of them!" Mel had to admit something that day: whatever her preconceived notions were, she could certainly have fun travelling on this ship, too.