Disclaimer: Hold it! I do not own any rights to Phoenix Wright or its characters but there would be no Objection! to me being sued by them if I did claim to, so Take that!
Rated for high sexual content in the next chapter…oh yeah! XD
Attorney Acting 101
Chapter one: Turn around Turnabout
"Why? Why is it something bad always happens the second I step out of the courtroom?" Phoenix asked himself inwardly as he stood back to back with his rival.
"I've just won a case, I uncovered the truth, and I saved a person from false imprisonment…so why am I having THIS forced on me the second it's all over?"
Edgeworth's face cringed in utter disgust as he found himself in the same position as his rival. "I wish I hadn't said that my day couldn't be worse, losing to Wright is bad enough, and the second I walk out I have to deal with…"
Girls, Groups of wildly entranced women surrounded both Miles and Phoenix. They had convinced themselves that they were madly in love with one of the two lawyers, upon expressing their reasons for watching the trial to each other, they all decided to try and win over their crush before one of the other girls got to them first.
First they surrounded them, like a large pack of ravenous beasts surrounding the prey, and then they closed in, forcing the men to back up against each other in a vain attempt to keep distance from their doom.
"Hey cutie spikes! You know I'm the only gal for ya, tell all em to back off!" Lotta protested loudly, her voice booming the other women that encased Phoenix.
"Mr. Nick! Mystic Maya is the only one for you! Tell them you're Maya's special someone!" Pearls punched him in the arm, giving the cutest glare.
"No Pearls you don't under stand, we're not…" Maya desperately tried to pull Pearls away when she was suddenly cut off.
Dee Vasquez pushed the medium out of her way to get closer to the attorney. "Mr. Wright you have such a loud objecting voice, I'd like to hear you object to a privet court hearing at my place…just you and I."
Things weren't looking any better on Edgeworth's side.
"Oh Edgy-poo, you can't possibly think these women are worthy of you!" Oldbag made a hideous attempt at her cute face, while reaching for the man.
"Mmm I have something to confess to you Mr. Edgeworth, but I think we should go to your place for this one!" April May wiggled her hips, her bust bouncing with the movement.
Lana was the only behaved one of the bunch, holding herself calmly, yet her expression was slightly stressed, "I was hoping, if you wouldn't mind, going out for coffee sometime, Mr. Edgeworth…"
Angel couldn't choose between the two men and continuously attempted to hand both of them lunches of love.
Beads of sweat began to appear on both the attorney's foreheads, each had attempted to say no, but they ended up stuttering something incoherently. Each had tried to run away, ending in minimal physical damages. Each came up with excuses on the spot; all of them were shot down rather quickly.
Phoenix and Edgeworth were running low on choices and the situation was becoming more stressful than any case of their careers, combined.
Seconds, which felt like an eternity each, passed. Each attorney racked their brains for some way, any way, to escape. They reached the same last desperate excuse and voiced it at the same moment.
"I'm gay!"
The women fell mute at the same time, an ominous silence lingered. Lotta was the first to break it, she laughed and slapped her knee, "That's classic spiky!"
"Did you think you could get away with that one?"
"Mystic Maya, what is gay?"
"The cravat proves nothing!"
"Neither dose the pink tie!"
"Don't you dare joke about that to me, Edgy-poo!"
Phoenix pulled back in shock at the response and stuttered, "B-but I…it's…its true!"
"Then prove it!"
"Let's see some evidence!"
Phoenix held his head; he was really in it deep now. Edgeworth glared, despising the women's knowledge of how the court room works.
That's when a high pitched fake feminine voice rang out over all the others, since it was clearly not a women's voice. "Allo mon sexy garcon! Do not fight over ziss petite maiden! I cannot bear to choose one or zee other, don't make me choose!" The pink covered chef wagged his chest about, speaking in a distasteful French accent.
Armstrong was the last straw. Both Phoenix and Edgeworth made a fatal decision right there, they had to do something.
Phoenix turned his head and whispered to Edgeworth, his voice panicked but determined. "I have a plan…just go with it!"
Edgeworth didn't know what this plan was and, at this point, didn't give a damn. He nodded in response.
Phoenix grabbed the other man by the lapels and yanked him close, crashing his lips against his rival's. Edgeworth's eyes widened, his hands grasped at the air behind Phoenix before it clicked in and he awkwardly held the other man. His hands clenched, fingers digging into the cheep blue fabric.
Unlike the startled prosecutor, Phoenix kept his eyes tightly shut, but unfortunately this did not vanquish the feeling of staring eyes now burning into the back of his skull. "Oh please let this work. I don't want this public show of manly affection to be in vain." Worried they wouldn't buy it, he lengthened the kiss, hoping to strengthen his case. Fortunately luck was on his side…for once.
After the kiss dragged on more than any of the women were hoping it would, they quickly began to voice their thoughts.
"Well how do ya like that? Get a gal's hopes up and then ya play the other side, huh?"
"First Juan, now this?! The Edgey-poo I knew is dead!"
"Oh my, seems my skills are lacking today, if I couldn't see the obvious clues."
"Mr. Nick! How could you do this to Mystic Maya?"
"Nick…"
"Mr. Wright!"
"Oh so that's why he didn't take my offer…how…aggravating!"
The girls continued their loud and angered disappointment. Phoenix and Edegworth were lucky that Jean thought himself a woman. The French, so called, maiden stormed off, crying and tearing up roses, this time his skipping was of sorrow instead of girlish joy.
Angel packed away her lunches of love, quickly jotting down idea's for a new kind of bento, disappointment with a touch of gay.
Edgeworth and Phoenix's lips and released sometime ago, but they didn't let go of each other. Edegworth seemed determined to attempt to kill Phoenix with glaring, which he was somehow able to conceal from the flock of distressed females.
Phoenix could see that the girls were getting rowdy, before any of them could cause some kind of damage, he quickly rushed away, claiming he and Edgeworth had things to discuss.
The shocked judge stood in the hall outside the courtroom, his eyes wide at the strangest site he'd seen in all his years as a judge. Two men, known rivals and childhood best friends, kissing for a group of very worked up women.
Just as Phoenix thought he was safe, catching his breath from hurrying away from the mob, he was grabbed by the lapel by his rival and scapegoat.
"What the hell are you thinking? Are you daft?!" Edgeworth's face was entirely red; Phoenix hadn't seen him this worked up before.
"Hey wait just a second, you should be thanking me! I just saved our butts!"
Edgeworth didn't seem at all eased by the comment, "By making out with me in the middle of a public area, while surrounded by people?!"
"First of all, it was just a kiss…not making out…" Phoenix seemed fairly embarrassed himself now that he thought about it. "And secondly…would you rather have the mob rip you to shreds. Besides, you didn't seem to have any better ideas. You even held me the whole time!"
"Only because I knew it would work, but you don't seem to grasp the consequences of the rout we're now forced down!"
"W-what do you mean…the rout we're forced down?" Phoenix started to become as concerned as Miles, but his face just looked confused.
"What I mean is that now we have to…"
"Hey Nick!" Maya hurried over with Pearls, to the two men, the usual naïve smile plastered on her cute face. "I was wondering where you two went! Why are you hanging out in the parking lot?"
"Well I…uh…" Phoenix stumbled, unable to quickly think of a reason since his head was spinning with questions of what Miles was going to tell him.
"He was leaving obviously. I was going to give him a ride." Edgeworth stated calmly, somehow in the short amount of time he managed to get himself to stop blushing and look like his usual statue-esc self.
Maya couldn't contain her giggle, "Oh a romantic night alone I see."
Phoenix bit his lip at the idea and held the back of his neck. "Well actually we aren't really-ow!"
Edgeworth had "accidentally" kicked Phoenix's shin, quieting him quickly for a reason unknown to the fellow attorney.
Maya gave Phoenix a sideward glace, not noticing that Edgeworth had kicked the other attorney, "Not really ow? Nick I think you should think more before you talk."
"My my look at the time, seems we have some romance to immerse ourselves in, fair well for now." Edgeworth spouted the sentence out as quickly as possible, dragging a reluctant and confused Phoenix away to his car and driving off at an alarming speed.
Maya blinked as the red vehicle raced out of sight, "Huh…what's up with them…hmm maybe they're hiding something…"
"Mystic Maya, Mr. Edgeworth kicked Phoenix. Is that how two men love each other?"
"Did he?!" Maya's lips curled into a suspicious smirk. "Hmm something's going on here, I think it's my turn to play the ace attorney…and solve this case."
Pearls blinked her large eyes, still rather confused since Maya didn't answer her question. At this point the eight year old was about confused as she could get, particularly about two men being in love.
"What the fuck was that?! Are you insane? Stop the car!"
Edgeworth continued to drive, despite Phoenix's objections. "As I was about to tell you before, we cannot tell anyone the truth. So I had to stop you."
"You kicked me!" Phoenix whimpered, holding his shin, which still rung with pain.
"It had to be done." He stated rather flatly. "Unless you would rather have the vultures circle over us once again." Miles shuddered in a way he always did when Oldbag was around or even mentioned for that matter.
Phoenix understood that Miles was talking about the women that attacked them earlier. Not having quite the right thing to say he, for once, stayed silent, hoping Miles would clarify. He soon realized his rival wasn't going to explain so easily and opened his mouth to ask another question.
"If word spreads that our little show was just that, a show, we will once again be attacked and next time we really will have no way out. They won't fall for this the second time around." Miles cut Phoenix off, as they turned a sharp corner, before Phoenix could utter a word.
Phoenix waited a long time this time before responding, "So that means, I can't tell Maya."
"Or anyone else for that matter, which brings up another good point in this tale you've so clearly thought out…"
Phoenix tried to ignore the sarcasm floating about the car, "We have to keep this image up…" Miles' earlier outbreak was becoming all too clear to the defense attorney now. "Wait a second! That would mean…we…have to keep pretending we're gay?!
"Not only will we have to pretend we're homosexuals, but that we are a couple as well. If we tie ourselves off then we can completely block any advances from the women."
Phoenix held his head and his spikes of hair sticking out from between his fingers, "You know as a teen I dreamed about being mobbed by women…but in my mind it was always…hot women…and it wasn't so…"
"Creepy? Discussing? Incredibly wrong?"
"Yeah…that just about sums it up."
The following day the now publicly know "Gay lawyers" stood in the lobby, the courtrooms each attorney would be in for the day were on opposite sides in the same hall. They awkwardly glanced at each other, as they stood back to back, holding hands loosely. At about the same time they heard fast footsteps and voices. Phoenix had a sudden uneasy feeling, which was right of him to have since Maya, did in fact, slide around the corner, young cousin in hand. Miles tightened his grip on his rival's hand and turned to face the girls. He tried to look professional about his relationship, while Phoenix only screamed of pure bewilderment.
"Hey Nick! Wow, you two are hitting it off huh? Well congratulations!" Maya's smile seemed different today, almost holding a sneaky side to it.
Phoenix bit harder into his lip at the smile, especially since Maya seemed all too curious about where Miles and phoenix hands were. "Uh well…thank you…"
"Mr. Nick…I'm sorry." Pearls looked at her feet as if she was talking to a stranger. "I didn't know that you cared for Mr. Edgeworth so much…are you gonna get married?"
Phoenix, although not drinking or eating anything, chocked and turned red. "Ack!"
"Hmm I've been wondering that myself…" Maya held her chin, she was seriously thinking about it. "I wonder… who would wear the gown?"
"Why is it I suddenly feel like I'm on trial?" Phoenix unconsciously held a little tighter to Miles' hand.
The Maya continued on in her own little world, discussing bride's maid's and which cool rock band should play at the reception.
Halfway through Edgeworth whispered to Phoenix. "Dose she do this with every new couple?"
"I really wish I could say yes…"
Luckily before the topic turned to honeymoons, the two lawyers were summoned to their court hearings. They let go of each other's hands casually without thinking, but before either could take a step they both noticed the expecting looks on the girl's faces.
Edgeworth cleared his throat uncomfortably and shifted his eyes in the opposite direction of the man next to him. "Uh…I will see you after court…d-darling." It took everything he had to spit out the last word with a straight face.
Phoenix mumbled something but quickly repeated himself a tad too loudly, which attracted much unwanted attention, "Yes honey!" Both men cringed at the same time as they walked to their courtrooms, not having to look around to know people were staring.
The hearings couldn't end fast enough. Phoenix was unlucky to get a case of murdered ex lover, Maya couldn't stop asking questions during the cross-examination like "If Edgeworth was about to be shot by an ex lover, would you take the bullet for him?"
Edgeworth had an equally bad time. He knew that no matter which side of the observers his back was to, he'd still hear constant whispers and giggles from female observers about his new "lover".
By the end the two rivals, now lovers, stood opposite of each other, giving the man across from them a staring of a life time. Although soon enough their hands found their way to each other again as Maya and Pearls exited the courtroom.
"How was your trial…my dear?" No matter what pet name he used, Edgeworth couldn't find one that wasn't cringe inducing.
"Great! And you…" Phoenix tried to avoid the pet name thing; he wasn't very good at it. Maybe he could try and nick name? "Edgy?" In his mind it sounded fine, out loud it was just…too cute. He closed his eyes, expecting a sudden outburst of happy from his assistant.
"How cute. Already on the nick name basis, Phoenix?"
Phoenix swallowed and looked up, his cute little assistant was now standing as a channeled Mia, smiling widely at the comment she dubbed "cute".
"Mia!" Finally his salvation!
"It seems I've missed quite a bit since I last came by." Mia looked the two of the men over with a knowing smirk.
"Mia I need your help!" Phoenix blurted out, forgetting about his oh so pleasant conversation with Miles on how Maya would be the most curious and suspicious about the new found love. When he agreed to being more "actively lovey" around Maya, Phoenix hadn't thought about Mia.
Mia only smiled and cocked her lovely head to the side. "Don't worry about it Phoenix, the trial is over and you did great. I came by to congratulate you two. I'm hoping that you two will provide much more…material for me with this relationship."
"Material what do you…"
"HEY PAL!"
"AHH! Oh…Gumshoe…you scared me!" Phoenix held his chest and turned to the loud officer, who had apparently been trying to get his attention for some time.
"So uh sorry about what happened in there Edgeworth I kinda…uh…" Gumshoe's eyes were immediately drawn to the held hands. "…Crazy glue is a bitch huh?"
"What?" Phoenix was just about a baffled by the comment as Edgeworth, but unfortunately he opened his mouth about it.
"You know, crazy glue. I've had some uncomfortable run-in's with the stuff myself. You're working on something, and then you get introduced to someone and you forget about the glue, shake their hand then BAM! You're stuck by the hands for the rest of the day!" Gumshoe chuckled but looked also a little upset at the memories he had just brought upon himself.
Just as Phoenix inwardly wished he hadn't said anything, he was about to turn to ask Mia that question. Maya walked past him to talk glue with Gumshoe. He stood with his questioning finger held in the air, mouth hung open slightly, eyes blinking. "…Mia?" Phoenix hung his head in defeat, the women was unchanneled as quickly as she was channeled. Still holding hands with his rival, an argument on glues buzzing in the background, Phoenix once again asked himself, "Why is it something bad always happens the second I step out of the courtroom?"
End chapter one
Author's note: Okay so this story started off as crack, pure crack. I love Phoenix Edgeworth, but I think their relationship would be anything but typical. So I usually have them playfully bantering, which will come back…in a very sexy way in the next chapter. I also like to make situations as awkward for them as possible. I am evil fan of doom!!! XD (I've been much to kind to them in this chappy) so I got the idea from an image in my head of them standing and awkwardly holding hands in public.
So originally it was going to be random crack…but I wanted smut…so chapter two…is smut chapter…then for chapter three I gave it a story (that's right an actual court case!)…it's sad that most of my funny stories start that way.
Yeah most of the women in the beginning don't make sense cuz they are in jail or dead…or just plain out wrong (no I would never pair Phoenix or Edgy with any of those women…they are tortured enough from me as it is) but I have a valid explanation for the plot hole…a wizard did it.
Keep it fun