The Voices in my Head
Everybody could tell you a lot about Wally West aka Kid Flash. Energetic, loud, childish, immature, funny and a bottomless pit were some of the adjectives that were often used to describe him. However, few would say he was a shy and insecure. Like most superheroes, Wally West had a metaphorical mask along with the physical one. Very few people knew about the real him and Wally was very attached to those who did. That's why this new piece of information along with the awful week he had been having finally took Wally to the dark place he had worked so hard to escape.
But this is the end of our story, to fully understand why Wally was currently slicing his wrists open, we have to go on a trip down memory lane.
I was thirteen years old when I confided for the first and only time ever my life story to another person. "My name is Wally, Wallace Rudolph West." I had said looking directly into the masked eyes of my best friend. Robin's eyebrows had risen at the confession even though I suspect he had known since before we had even met. Even with his eyes masked I could see that he was wondering why I had chosen then to reveal my identity. He opened his mouth, no doubt to ask me this but I continued before I could lose my nerve. "When I was five years old my father started beating the crap out of me. My mom didn't do anything about it." Robin didn't seemed surprised by this either, however, he didn't stop me, probably sensing how much I needed this.
"At age eight I met a person who at the time I thought was the most boring person alive, my Uncle Barry." A small fond smile had taken over my lips at the memory. I remembered the meeting like it was yesterday. Who would have thought his aunt Iris' boring and geek husband would become such a big part of my life?
"After I spent a summer in Central City with my Aunt and Uncle, I discovered that my boring and painfully normal Uncle was also my hero, The Flash. I recreated the experiment in which he got his powers and later managed to convince him to train me." Robin rolled his eyes and muttered something about my stupidity to which I swatted him in the arm making him laugh. However, soon the mood darkened once again. "At the age of nine, Uncle Barry found out what my parents did to me and with the help of a friend, he and my aunt Iris gained custody of me in only a week." I continued. For some reason, Robin smirked at this but I only noticed in the back of my mind. For now was time for the hardest confession.
"I tried to kill myself."
Robin's head snapped up. Obviously, he hadn't known that. The younger boy moved towards me and gripped my hand with enough force to break any normal person's. I sensed his fear but also the strength and the unconditional support he offered. Taking a deep breath, I continued my story.
"I think I broke a plate or a cup or something and Uncle B and Aunt I didn't do anything. They didn't scream at me nor hit me. They simply laugh, Barry told a joke about my clumsiness and then he picked up the pieces. I was so confused and guilty that I thought I should punish myself." Silent tears fell from my eyes which I only noticed when Robin dried them away.
"My aunt found me with my wrists cut open. I was young, so I still didn't heal fast enough. The scars can be seen a little. That's why I always wear long sleeves."
I pulled back the sleeves of my uniform and revealed the very faint scars that would always serve as a reminder of one of the worst days of my life. Just before the memories of that day could consume me, Robin pulled me back. He grabbed my wrists gently and traced the thin white lines. Then he kissed both of them and once again looked up at me. Not for first time, I wished I could see his eyes. If only to discover what thoughts were crossing his mind.
"I was taken to therapy and diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I was treated for a while, weekly until I turned eleven. Now, I only go once a year or when a depression wave hits. They aren't common, Kid Flash duties help a lot..." I had trailed off not knowing what to say. I hadn't thought about what to do afterwards. But Robin had seemed to sense my dilemma because he simply lowered his head to my shoulder and hugged me tightly.
"I am sorry" Robin had said after a long time and cringed probably at his own words.
"It's ok, it was a long time ago." I answered hugging him tighter.
"Why?" Robin asked softly while pulling back. I was confused at the question but soon I understood what he was asking.
"Because I have never told anyone. I have never trusted anyone in my life because of what they did to me and I have decided that I won't let them interfere with my life anymore. So I told you, because you are my best friend, my brother and I trust you more than anyone."
Dick stood shocked and then proceeded to say, "Wally I trust you more than anyone too and I am so sorry that I can't tell you who I am."
"Dude its fine really, I didn't tell you so you would tell me. I know the Bat's paranoid" I lied, hiding my disappointment.
Dick hadn't look convinced. That's what probably made him make the promise.
"I swear that you'll be the first one to know." He swore solemnly.
"Pinky swear?" I answered with a sincere smile.
"Pinky swear" He repeated laughing at my goofiness, oblivious of how this promise would come and bite him in the ass.
Two years passed since Wally confessed his past to his best friend. A lot had change since then. They were now on a team of super heroes and saw each other almost daily. Kid Flash had gained more confidence and now in his small bouts of depression he had a shoulder to cry on. However, he hadn't have to use it a lot. Also, even thought he tried, he hadn't been able to trust anyone else with his secrets. Sure, the team knew his name but only Robin knew of his dark past. That was why Robin's betrayal hurt so much.
"Where are you going?" Wally pouted from his position on Robin's bed at Mount Justice while said bird packed.
"Civilian duties" Robin replied for what seemed to be the hundredth time with an eye role.
"Why?" Wally whined. Robin gave up on packing for the moment and turned to look at his best friend. Wally looked adorable. He had a pout and was hugging Dick's pillow like a lifeline. His hair was a mess and his eyes were shining even though he was definitely sad.
Dick shook the sinful thoughts away and laid down beside him. He hated leaving Wally like this. Especially this week. This week marked the anniversary of Wally's rescue, new home and suicide attempt. Neither mentioned it directly but they both knew it still affected the red head.
"I am sorry I have to leave but my father (he winced at the small lie) ordered me to" The mention of Robin's father peaked Wally's interest like everything relating to his civilian life did.
"Who? Batman?" Wally asked curiously.
"You know I can't tell you that." Dick stood and walked towards his closet in an effort to ignore Wally's puppy dog eyes.
"Awww why? Just a tiny bit, a little innocent clue." Robin ignored him and exasperated Wally added "It has been two years Rob!"
"I know and I am sorry. But I still can't. Soon, I promise."
"That's what you always say." Wally answered downcast. Dick wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything, but he couldn't.
"And I mean it. If it was up to me, I would have told you ages ago. I trust you with my life and you are the only person I would risk Batman's fury for." Wally cheered up a little at that, his confidence rising and with a giggle, he pulled Robin back to the bed.
"Ok Orin" He said. Dick rolled his eyes. Wally had been calling him by ridiculous names for almost a year as a running gag. 'Your name most be awful if you protect it so much' He had said the first time and promptly called him Gilbert.
"I'll be back in a week and we can go for ice cream, ok?" He offered as peace offering, thankfully, Wally accepted it.
Monday
Today was Wally's first day in his new grade. After much deliberation, the principal had decided that he was far too advanced and pushed him up another grade. He was now a fifteen year old in a senior class. The day as expected was awful. New bullies became a part of his life and these were meaner, stronger and bigger. Also, his science teacher didn't seem to like when he performed the full experiment under 10 minutes and gym class was dedicated to dodge ball. He returned to the cave afterwards in the hopes of attending a mission until finally giving up and retiring to bed. There was nobody in the cave so he slowly sank down memory lane. Screams, fists and insults clouded his senses making him whimper. Without thinking he went down to Robin's room, seeking comfort. But his best friend's bed was empty. Still he jumped on the bird's bed and clutched his pillow. The smell of his best friend lulling him into an uneasy sleep.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were no better. The week passed in a mist of bullies, growling teachers, absent friends, screams, nightmares and memories. His aunt had tried to snap him out of it but he was far too depressed to care. To make it worse, Uncle Barry had to leave on a league mission at the beginning of the week so Kid Flash was benched in Central City and Robin had not answered any of the emails he had sent him. His nightmares had gotten worse and some time along the way he started listening again to the voices in his head.
"Piece of trash" "Good for nothing" "Disgrace" "Bastard" They screamed 24/7 making it impossible to sleep.
He had dark bags under his eyes and his ribs were starting to show because of the lack of food and continuous puking.
He had begged Barry to take him with him but his uncle had refuse.
Had he done something wrong? Maybe his dad was right and he was just an unworthy good for nothing piece of shit.
'NO!' His uncle loved him. His aunt was worried about him because he loved him. Robin trusted him.
'Did he?'
'Of course he did. He had said so himself, they were best friends and someday he would tell him.'
'Or would he?'
Friday
Wally was at the edge of a nervous breakdown and he knew it. He had almost told his aunt to call his therapist but at the end decided not to. Robin would be coming back today and they would have ice cream and everything would be fine.
A little less depressed than he had been all week, Wally marched into the cave and sat patiently waiting for his best friend. With every minute that passed he got more and more anxious. He was about to drown in his self doubt and self hatred when finally the mechanized voice announced Robin's and to Wally's surprise Red Arrow's arrival. He zipped toward the zeta beam where he encountered a strange sight. Roy was carrying Robin, who was asleep, fireman style and both of them were wearing monkey suites.
"Hey Kid" Roy saluted shifting Robin.
"Umm hi, what are you doing here?" He asked confused.
"Batman and GA were called by the JLA so they sent us here. Rob fell asleep on the plane."
"Why were you together, were you guys on a mission or something? I thought Robin was doing civilian stuff?" Wally asked more confused. 'Why would Robin lie to him?'
"He was doing civilian stuff, we both were."
"What?!" Wally most have heard wrong because that would mean...
"Why do you think we have the monkey suites? Obviously I was at something with Ollie." Roy huffed out, losing his patience and walking towards the rooms. Robin's weight must have started to bother him but Wally didn't move. He was shocked. Robin had told Roy his secret id. They had went partying as civilians. Even thought he had told Wally millions of times that Batman didn't allowed it, that he trusted him. Obviously that wasn't the case. He started hyperventilating and ran towards his room. All the bad things that happened to him this week finally broke him and hysterically he started trashing his room.
His reflection at the mirror laughed at him. Suddenly, he wasn't alone in the room. His parents were there. 'Do it!' They screamed. 'Why would you stay? Nobody wants you! You are only a charity case. Be man enough and end it! And dear this time please try to do it correctly, such a disgrace.' and suddenly Robin was there too and he was laughing.
The voices and memories were too much and finally Wally let the darkness drown him.
Dick woke up almost thirty minutes after Roy had laid him down. At first, he didn't understand what woke him up but then he heard it. Someone was screaming and crying hysterically. No, not someone...Wally. With a start, Dick jumped out of bed and ran towards his best friend's room. He punched the code as fast as he could and froze at the sight that welcomed him. Wally's room was a mess, his belongings were everywhere and the mirror was broken, glass shattered across the room. His bed sheets were bloody and Wally was continuously slicing his wrists. He would slice each wrist, watch them bleed and when they stopped bleeding he would sob and try again and again and again. 'I am Trying' he repeated over and over. Often apologizing for being a failure. It broke Dick's heart.
Mortified, Dick crossed the room slowly and gently took the shard of glass out of his hands. He wrapped himself around him protectively in a strong hold, tears streaming down his face.
"Everything will be fine" "I am sorry for leaving" "You are ok" "I love you" Dick repeated over and over trying to silence the constant insults Wally recited towards himself. Finally after hours of hysteria Wally fell asleep.
Saturday
Wally woke up the next morning and for a blissful moment he couldn't remember the horrors he had lived through the past week. He smiled at the sleeping boy who was wrapped around him like a koala, Robin was cute when he slept. But then he looked up. His shattered mirror, messy room and the bloody covers on the floor brought the past week, specially 24 hours, back. In full panic, he jumped out of Robin's arms and pulled himself against the farthest wall.
The rapid movement woke up Robin. The bird was about to grumble at KF for taking all the sheets when he remembered the horrific scene that had welcomed him home the previous night. He opened his eyes and carefully approached the trembling speedster.
Wally pulled himself even closer to the wall as Robin approached him, he looked like he was trying to merge with it.
Carefully, Dick made to grab his hand but Wally sped to the opposite wall.
"Wally, please, let me help you" Robin begged at a respectful distance but also blocking the door that led outside.
"I'm sorry I am not a good friend. Don't hate me please. I am sorry, I am sorry." Wally said without looking him in the eyes. Dick's eyes widened behind his mask.
"Wally what are you talking about?! You are an awesome friend. That's why you are my BEST friend." He tried to assure the red head who shook his head in denial.
"Stop lyiiing." He whined in a pitiful whisper.
"I am not lying. We are best friends and I wouldn't trade our friendship for the world." Dick answered firmly. Wally looked up suddenly. He looked so furious that Dick stepped back. But soon Dick discovered that anger Wally felt was towards himself.
"I know that I am pushy and childish but I swear that I'll stop pushing you to tell me who you are. I know that I am not trustworthy enough, you don't have to lie to me anymore, I swear I'll never ask again. Just please don't leave me. I know it's selfish to ask you to spent time with someone like me but I need you, please Rob, I am sorry." Dick stood dumbfounded as his friends broke apart. Wally had tried to kill himself, because of him. He was the worst friend in the world.
"Wally, where the hell is this coming from?! I would never leave you and I love spending time with you. I trust you with my life Wally, you know that." Dick finally managed to say, sitting beside his sobbing friend who had collapsed. Dick was about to grab his hand but Wally flinched. "I am sorry, don't hit me please." He said making Dick cry a new whole set of tears.
"Wally why do you think all of this?" He asked once Wally stopped apologizing.
"You told Roy." Wally whispered to Dick's confusion.
"What did I tell Roy?"
"You told Roy your name. Both of you spent the week together at a fancy party with Ollie."
Oh. Of course. Wally most have seen Roy bring him to the cave and the archer unknowingly told him he knew the boy wonder's id.
"No, no, no. Wally, I swear I didn't tell him" Robin backtracked and Wally finally looked him in the eyes.
"Did he lie? Why were you both in monkey suites then?" Wally asked confused making Robin wince.
"No, he knows who I am but only because Green Arrow told him."
"So Roy has spent time with you as civilians?" Dick got scared at Wally's cold and detached tone.
"Yes"
"Oh"
"What is it?"
"He knows you."
"Wally, you know me too" Dick tried to comfort the speedster who was trying to escape Dick's grip.
"He is your best friend."
"No! You are my best friend"
"I am not. He knows you better than I do, than I ever will. That's ok I guess. Maybe one day I'll get to know you too." And with those last words, Wally sped towards the bathroom and locked himself in.
Dick panicked. What if Wally tried to kill himself again? In his less hysterical state he might succeed in taking his own life. Jumping towards the door he quickly picked the lock and was relieved to find Wally only staring at himself in the mirror. He didn't looked up at him and let himself be dragged out of the room and towards Robin's. There the bird sat him at the bed and with a cold towel cleaned the dried blood from the previous night. Afterwards he pushed him down gently on the bed and then laid down facing him.
"Wally, look at me." Surprisingly Wally did.
"The only reason that Roy knows my secret id is because Batman and Green Arrow know each other since they were kids and continue to see each other sometimes as civilians."
"You don't have to tell me anything, I just want us to be friends." Wally tried looking away, very aware of the fact that Robin had just revealed that Batman was probably a rich kid like Ollie, but Robin grabbed his shin and force him to look at him.
"We are friends, the best of friends. I am not telling you because of what has happened. I am telling you because I have wanted to for a long time and I don't care anymore about what Batman says." Wally looked a little shocked but the insecurities that clouded his eyes were starting to clear.
"Batman is not my dad." Robin started deciding answering the second most common question first. "He took me in when my parents died when I was nine."
Wally's eyes widened at the morbid confession and even thought he was facing the strongest wave of depression since his first suicide attempt, he squeezed Dick's hand to offer comfort.
"Batman's real identity is a billionaire like GA's. That's why Roy and I often see each other at stupid galas and stuff. I met Roy at one in Gotham and then as Robin, Batman was furious that GA had told him our id's." Robin continued, Wally listened very still. He was worried that if he moved the moment would break and Robin would hate him once again.
"My name is"
"STOP" Wally suddenly exclaimed.
"What? Why?" Robin frowned
"I want to know, believe me I do, but I don't want you to be in trouble. The only reason I panicked so much was because this week has been horrible and the thought of you not trusting me finally broke me. I am ok now, I will probably be off duty and with my therapist for a while but you can keep your secrets until Batman lets you."
Wally truly was the best friend ever. Just hours ago he had tried to kill himself. His depression had been bad enough that he had truly believed that everyone that loved him hated him and now he was worried about Dick. Dick truly didn't deserve him.
" My name is Dick, Richard John Grayson." Wally's eyes widened in recognition but Dick didn't let him interrupt.
"I was raised in a circus as an acrobat. ("Obviously" Wally muttered making Dick smirk.) At the age of nine I watched my parents fall to their deaths." Wally squeezed Dick's hand as tears fell from his eyes.
"Bruce Wayne was among the crowd that night and remembering his own experience decided to take me in as his guard."
"I soon found out that the drunk, flirt and stupid playboy was only a façade and that my guardian was also The Batman. I tried to convince him to let me help catch my parents' murderer. He refused so I sneaked out." Dick shrugged and Wally let out a tiny giggle. The giggle made Dick smile brilliantly and any doubt that he was making a mistake disappeared.
"I helped catch Zucco and then Batman agreed to train me to be his partner." Dick finished his story and suddenly nerves attacked him. What if Wally thought different of him now?
"Dick?" The name rolled strangely on Wally's tongue. However, he knew he would become familiar with it eventually.
"Yes Walls?" Dick asked looking up, his head now on Wally's shoulder.
"Can I see your eyes?" Wally asked hopeful. Besides not knowing his name, not knowing the color of his friends eyes was the thing that bothered him the most.
Nervously, Dick sat up and Wally followed. Both of them were staring at each other, close enough that Dick could count his freckles.
Carefully, he grabbed the corners of his mask and took it off. Miraculously, Wally waited patiently until he was ready to look up and when he did, Wally gasped. They were beautiful. Wally felt that he could stay there looking at Dick's brilliant blue eyes forever. And he said so making both of them blush.
"Your eyes are way prettier." Dick said in return and their blush returned with a vengeance. Finally in an effort to avoid the ginger's gaze, Dick pushed him back to the bed and snuggled into his chest.
After a while, Wally said "Dick, thank you."
"There's nothing to thank me for. I love you."
"I love you too" Wally answered and squeezed him even closer.
They both knew that the next days, weeks or even months wouldn't be easy. After all, Wally had tried to kill himself. It was obvious that he had suffered a relapse and Dick was sure to have nightmares about it for a long time. But for the moment they didn't care about future visits to the therapists nor punishments by mentors (Batman was going to kick Dick 's ass). For the moment, they took comfort in knowing that they would always be there for each other as they fell into a blissful sleep.