during the opening of Fellowship of the Ring
Hello, mortal. I am Legolas. That's right, Legolas Greenleaf. (I'll have to thank my dad for giving me such an uber-cool name). And welcome to the commentary for the War of the Ring starring yours truly! Now, let me introduce myself. I am Legolas Greenleaf, as you may know, and I am a dead shot with a bow, perfect at everything that I do, oh, and I'm not in these parts.
skips past the Prophecy, Concerning Hobbits, the Party, Bree, Weathertop ect. Until it reaches the part when he arrives at Rivendell
And here comes the hero! Don't I look awesome? Just look at the way I jump off that horse. Let's rewind that, shall we?
rewinds the DVD
That is totally cool. Anyways…
fast forwards until it reaches the council of Elrond
Sooo… here we are. And look, there are all the boring mortals. Well, Gandalf's not a mortal, but he's still boring. Aaand… let's just get to the part where I tell that Boromir who Aragorn really is. Just look at that. I bet Boromir thought I was sooo smart. But I wish it showed more of ME instead of Elrond. He's awfully boring. Okay. Now let's skip past all of this since it's very interesting…
Legolas skips to the part when the Fellowship is leaving
There we go. And there's me! Don't I look cool with my bow and arrows and knives and everything?
shows the Fellowship in Hollin
Even though this has me in it it's still pretty boring since it mostly shows Aragorn and Gandalf and Boromir.
skips to Caradhras
And look at me go! Sometimes I pity mortals for their lack of expertise in traveling through snow. But then again, I don't really think that mortals deserve too much pity, since they're only mortals.
And look at that! Can you believe that I, Legolas Greenleaf, actually got covered in snow? Of course I can't feel it, since I am an immortal and nothing bothers me. Well, okay, that's almost not quite true, but anyways, just about nothing.
Here we are outside of the walls of Moria. And the blockheaded dwarves that made the place didn't do such a swell job since we couldn't even find the doors! And Gimli wasn't much help, either. Not that dwarves can do much anyways. Now…
skips to the Watcher
Haha! Look at me pin that thing in the eyeball! Go me. 100 points for Legolas. And -100 for Frodo for stealing most of the attention.
And now we are walking walking walking walking, doing what the Fellowship did best… but I was awesomest at it, of course. Okay, I must admit that Dwarrowdelf was kinda cool. The elves could make something a million times better, though. Now skipping ahead a little bit…Aren't I smart to think of giving Boromir some axes to keep the doors shut with? But all elves are smarter than mortals anyway, so why should I be surprised if he didn't think of it? Now, watch me shoot this orc through the hole in the door. Got it! And I have another arrow on the string before anybody can blink. And Aragorn has to shoot one too, of course. Sheesh.
skips to the part when he is fighting the cave troll
Watch me go! This is soo awesome. Now I'll jump on the troll and shoot it right in the head and leap off. It was nothing. I could have killed it single-handedly except that that stupid Fellowship got in my way so I couldn't shoot it.
Look at that! Will you just look at that! Now Frodo gets all the attention for about five whole minutes! But he's just a hobbit, so who cares.
Now, here we go. Run run run all you mortals, see if you can catch me, heeheehee. But of course they couldn't keep up with me. Now here's all the orcs coming down from the ceiling and the floor and the walls. I wasn't scared, of course. Everybody else was, though. And now…the balrog shows up. Okay, I will admit that I was scared. But you can't blame me now, can you? Everybody is scared of balrogs, so there.
Here's that cracked stair thingy. That was sooo much fun! Watch me jump. It was easy. Now watch Gandalf jump. Hah, I did it better. In fact, I jumped with more ease, grace and skill than anybody else in the whole Fellowship could have done. And Aragorn and Frodo steal the spotlight with their rock-riding. Humph. And now we're all running again. There's me, out in front. No, I wasn't running away, and now, I wasn't trying to stay as far from the balrog as I possibly could. Well, kinda not. And now… we can skip this part since it doesn't show me at all.
Now we're out on the rocks outside of Moria. Stupid Gandalf made me have a facial expression.
pouts
Now, here we go, running into Lothlórien. Hahah, Frodo looked sooo scared after Gimli told him that there was an 'elf witch' in the woods. I knew better. And after the dwarf opened his big mouth, of course he got an arrow in his face. 1000+ for the elves. And now, of course, Haldir and Aragorn have to be arguing for about an hour, so this part was really boring…
skips to part when Galadriel and Celeborn walk down the stairs from their flet
I can't believe that I actually was under Galadriel's spell-like thing. I mean, I was talking like the rest of the Fellowship. I was speaking like the rest of the mortals caught under her spell! I almost never forgave her for that one.
Okay. And here's the Fellowship. Okay, I was feeling down in the mouth about Gandalf's fall and all that. I admit it. But I didn't really feel like translating the song for my mere mortal companions, anyway. Soo…
skips to when the Fellowship is packing their boats
Oh yeah, here's the part with the lembas! Here I was telling those two shorties how to eat lembas, and what did Pippin do? He ate four WHOLE lembas! Serves him right if he gets a stomachache.
Isn't that bow that Galadriel gave me sweet? I bet it's better than Haldir's bow. I forgave her for putting me under that spell thing. Aand… let's keep going.
Gimli was funny. He asked for three of Galadriel's hairs. Why in the world did Galadriel give that dwarf three of her own hairs? But Gimli's not a bad sort of dwarf. I got to like him, actually.
fast forwards to the part when the Fellowship are at Parth Galen
Here I am telling Aragorn that we should get going. But he says 'Oh, no. My mortal friends have to give their short little legs a rest'. Humph. I wish they were all elves like me. Then we could get a lot further a lot faster.
fast forwards to Amon Hen
And here I am again! Shooting arrows left and right! And here I take out two orcs with one arrow! 1,000,000+ points for me!
And, of course, I am the first one to hear Boromir blowing the Horn of Gondor. I have the best hearing, too. And then we ruuuun!
And then Gimli and I get there after Boromir is dead. Boromir wasn't a bad fellow. But I was more uber then he was anyways.
And here I am, all ready to jump in the canoe and follow Sam and Frodo. But, of course, I couldn't show how good I was at jumping in canoes. Humph. Oh well. I guess running after orcs beat walking with hobbits, anyways. So, off we all run into the wild blue yonder.
credits
And this ends this commentary for the first part of the War of the Ring! I hope you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for the commentary for the next part of the War of the Ring; the Two Towers. 'Till next time, this is Legolas Greenleaf, reporting from Mirkwood.