Author's Note: I don't own Degrassi or any of the Degrassi character. The only thing here that is mine is this story so no duplications please.
A couple things need to be known to understand this fanfic. It takes place around Crazy Little Thing Called Love, but before Sean found out about Jay and Emma. Anything else will be explained throughout the story or you can contact me if anything don't make sense.
As I lay in my bed I think about the same things that always circle my mind. My Life. For some reason I still feel like something is missing, like something deep inside of me is yelling out for something or anything to fill it. I don't understand how I can come so far and still not have moved a muscle. I feel like I'm waiting for it to finally click, but it just doesn't seem to be happening.
I remember when life was simple for me. The only things that mattered to me were my mom and the environment. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time. When it was just me and her and I felt so free and uninhibited. Like I could do anything by just believing it was possible. Before boys, drama, and change became permanent fixtures in my life. Before doubt and fear became such a big part of me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a lie. That all my confidence and virtue is just a front. It baffles me that what people see in me isn't at all what I see in myself. It makes me wonder if anyone knows the real me because I'm not sure I do anymore.
So I lay here and pretend that everything is okay. That I'm complete. And that what everyone sees in me is what I am… Because if I don't I'll be completely lost. More so than I am now and that's just something I can't handle.
It's ten minutes until my alarm goes off and as I look across the room at Manny I pray for her contentness. I count the minutes until I have to trug through another day. It seems like time is moving too fast. I wish I could lay here forever because when I'm here I don't have to be the crusader and protector. Here, I can just be. Here, no one is depending on me and that is the closest thing I've got to being happy.
So as my alarm goes off I put on my mask and prepare myself for the day to come. I become joyful for Manny, happy and content for my parents, a rock for Sean, and a figure of ethics and strength for everyone else.
"Emma, come on. We don't wanna be late for school."
"I'm coming." I take one last look in my mirror and suck in that insecure and lonely girl to make my way up those steps and out the front door.
"So Em, how are you and Sean doing?"
"Fine, I guess…"
"What do you mean you 'guess'."
"Just that with everything that's happened it's hard to get back to normal, you know?"
"Not really. I've never had a boyfriend that's been in jail, but you and Sean are like meant to be so I know everything is gonna work out."
"I guess you're right. I'm just worrying too much." I give the best smile I can muster and look discreetly away from her.
"Hey. I'll see you later. The bell's about to ring."
As she walked away I thought about what we said more and more. Something in me wanted to just agree with Manny about what's been bothering me. Something just wanted me to be joyful and hopeful because she wanted me to be. That's what I hate the most about myself… I unconsciously bury my emotions for everyone else. I hate it. One day I'm gonna burst from keeping this all bottled up, but until then… I'm just gonna keep moving like nothing is wrong. It's better for everyone that way.
The day dragged on forever. When the final bell rang I was so relieved. Sean said he would meet me outside of the school to walk me home. I love how sweet he is sometimes. I think it's the little things he does for me that make me remember why I fell in love with him.
As I make my way down the steps to my loving boyfriend a loud and overly happy Manny runs up to us interrupting what could've been a beautiful moment between the two of us. Before I even have a chance to ask her what she's so pumped about she begins speaking a mile a minute.
"Oh My God! There is gonna be this wicked party at this guy named Trey's house. Em, we HAVE to go!" She was so excited. She even had that stupid wide-faced grin of hers plastered on her face.
Me and Sean look at each other quizzically trying to figure out what each other wants to do. I really didn't wanna do the party and am hoping Sean can see that.
"Yeah Manny, that sounds cool. Don't you thing, Em?"
No I don't! It's like he can't read me at all. I REALLY don't wanna go. I'll just tell them. They love me… they'll understand. Right?
"Well, I… I… I can't wait." God I suck. I gave a fake smile that once upon a time Sean would've been able to see through. I guess I'll need to pretend for a little longer.