Chapter One: The New Pervy Sage
It had all started with a book.
Well, not quite. Really, it all started when someone referred to Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke as the Neo-Sannin. By default, that made Kakashi the new Hiruzen Sarutobi. And quite frankly, it fit – he knew over a thousand Jutsu, and he had been the Sixth Hokage.
The point is Kakashi liked that comparison. He liked being known as the Second Professor. The Second God of Shinobi. Well… no one really called Kakashi that, even if he had been the Sixth Hokage. But Kakashi connected those dots all the same in that clever, crafty brain of his – him being the Second Professor clearly meant he was the Second God of Shinobi. He was a god. Kakashi really, really liked that thought.
That was the root of all future troubles, unfortunately. Since Kakashi had deduced he was a god, that had to mean his students were truly the Neo-Sannin. Because he was such an excellent teacher and a god. That clearly left the question of which Sannin each of his precious, adorable former students took after. The comparison was vague, after all, and simply assigning a Sannin to each of their Summon Animals was boring. The same went for basing their assignments off of who each of them studied under. Kakashi Hatake did not tolerate boring. The most powerful shinobi were not boring. They were certifiably insane. That made life fun.
That boring comparison had to be the one everyone else was making. Kakashi Hatake was not everyone else. He was a genius and a god. Therefore, whatever theory he came up with had to be correct. So spoke the Second God of Shinobi.
Now. Kakashi knew that one of his students was currently Hokage. Tsunade had become the Fifth Hokage, technically succeeding Hiruzen after his death at the hands of Orochimaru. Naruto had succeeded him as Hokage. He was even blond, for Kami's sake! … Not to mention his Therapy Jutsu tended to 'heal' even the most hardcore megalomaniacs. That made Naruto the Tsunade of the Neo-Sannin.
Then there was Sakura. She was always experimenting. Coming up with new, more efficient medical procedures, despite the fact that the Five Great Nations had never been more at peace. But what Kakashi's crafty mind clung to was that word: experimenting. Sakura's experimenting was a lot more ethical than the Snake Sannin's, but that didn't matter to the brilliant, happily retired Kakashi. To him, she was the Orochimaru of the Neo-Sannin, and no one would tell him otherwise. She even had an obsession for the formerly-last Uchiha. Neat incidental similarities, huh?
That left the formerly-last Uchiha. Honestly, Kakashi couldn't see a hint of Jiraiya in Sasuke even if he squinted, but if Naruto was Tsunade and Sakura was Orochimaru, that had to mean that Sasuke was Jiraiya. Jiraiya's successor not acting like Jiraiya bugged the tar out of Kakashi. Jiraiya was Kakashi's idol, a god in his own right for writing that divine smu- novel series. He had to live on somehow. Kakashi would not stand for it. Sasuke was married, but that mattered little to Kakashi. He would get his way. He would corrupt his adorable little student if it was the last thing he did.
And Kakashi did exactly as he set out to do.
"Kakashi-sensei," Sasuke greeted the man neutrally as he was on his way out of the village, with a lunch bento in hand. "What can I do for you?"
Kakashi sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.
"Now, now, I don't always ask for favors from my cute, grown-up students. Isn't it possible that I simply wish to say hello? To check up on you?"
"Possible, but not very likely." Sasuke answered warily, eyes snapping down to Kakashi's hand as it moved for something in his hip pouch. His guard was instantly up.
"Well, I figured with you constantly wandering around…" Kakashi pulled out... not an orange book, but a green one, which threw Sasuke off. "You might like some light reading material. After all, you won't always be on the road. You'll occasionally stop at an inn… or something."
Sasuke just stared at the book in Kakashi's extended hand. He stared, and stared, and stared some more. Until Kakashi took one of Sasuke's arms and forced the book into Sasuke's hand, patting it lightly as he did so.
"Kakashi-sensei… I will not read your perverted book series. In case you forgot, I am… married." Sasuke blandly replied, not quite willing to say 'happily married'. Sasuke Uchiha did not do 'happy'. That was the former Dead Last's job.
"Oh, Sasuke, this isn't Icha Icha," Kakashi replied without missing a beat. "It's… Tales of a Gutsy Ninja. Yes. The book with a main character that is Naruto's namesake. Naruto's read it, I've read it – we thought you might like to read it. Maybe it will change your… perspective."
Sasuke did not look convinced in the slightest. Kakashi simply smiled behind his mask, weathering Sasuke's suspicious glare easily enough. This continued on for several minutes until Sasuke reluctantly sighed and pocketed the book. That was Sasuke's first mistake.
"I'll take your word for it, Kakashi… But if you're lying, we will be having words when I get back…"
"Oh, I look forward to it." Kakashi preened, practically skipping away merrily as he did so. Sasuke wrote that off as Kakashi just being his eccentric self. That was his second mistake.
His third mistake didn't happen until later that day, when he stopped travelling for the night. He'd hesitantly brought out the book to read, and when he did, a golden light seemed to emerge when he opened the book. Sasuke didn't like that implication at all, but he pressed on. The very first sentence sent a shiver down Sasuke's spine. He turned the book over and bored his eyes into the false cover, and then ripped it off furiously, revealing the lurid orange cover underneath.
Sasuke would have burned the book right there with Amaterasu, but seeing as how Kakashi was likely expecting the book to be returned, as there was an autograph from the late Toad Sannin on the cover, he grudgingly settled for snapping the abomination shut and returning it to his pocket. Unfortunately for Sasuke, the seed was planted, however.
Days later, after attempting and failing to repress the memory of ever reading a single line of Icha Icha, Sasuke pulled the book out again. He was well aware that it took a pervert to treasure such a… series… of books, and Sasuke Uchiha, if nothing else, was not a raging pervert like his Sensei and blond teammate – really, who did Naruto think he was fooling by claiming his 'Sexy Jutsu' was an anti-pervert move? Sasuke Uchiha. Was. Not. A. Pervert. However, with Kakashi's constant reading of the series – in public – Sasuke had to grudgingly admit that there had to be some redeeming factor to these books. After all, if the Toad Sage's writing ability had been shoddy, the Icha Icha series wouldn't have been a best seller. Perhaps it wasn't all smut, like the raging perverts made the series out to be.
So it was with great reluctance that Sasuke cracked open the book again. That was his fourth – and final – mistake. Hours passed by in a flash as Sasuke's eyes flew across the pages, absorbing the text's plot hungrily. At some point, Sasuke had even switched his Sharingan on, to memorize each passage. He just wanted more the more he pressed on. And when dawn's first light appeared over the horizon, Sasuke had completed his first Icha Icha volume. But it wasn't enough for the talented Uchiha. Sasuke wanted more. And he would shamelessly admit it to anyone that asked.
… Well, not really. Sasuke had a reputation to uphold. He couldn't admit to liking Icha Icha willy-nilly. Especially with Sakura as his wife… Sakura would kill him if she had the slightest inkling he was reading Kakashi-sensei's choice of literature… But damn it. Icha Icha was the best damn series ever; it had everything! Drama, comedy, romance, etc.! … More etc.!
The best bits were the smutty bits, though. But you didn't hear that from Sasuke.
Sasuke's Sharingan had already committed the first volume to memory, and when he returned to the Hidden Leaf, he would be hounding his former teacher for the rest of the series. How could Hatake have been holding out on him all this time?!
Author's Note:
This crackfic's been in my archives since… July 14 of this year. It came from a 'short' series of PM Box correspondences with JohnPeaceKeeper – really, we've exchanged hundreds of messages, but we've covered sooo many topics. This was just a random tidbit that came about after we joked about a pervy Sasuke, and I needed to write it out after thinking about it. It. Was. Hilarious. I might have added a sentence or two upon rereading this, but I did really like how it flowed thus far. About the only reason for not publishing it until now was the fact I wanted to add more onto it, which I have every intention of doing.
It just won't be a one-shot like I'd initially intended. XD It probably won't go on for very long, but I at least intend for there to be a few more chapters. They'll be short-ish like this. Hope you enjoyed this at least a little so far. ^^