Disclaimer: I don't own SSBM or related titles and characters. Nintendo does.
Hell at Melee HQWise Man John
"GAME!"
It was the end of yet another grueling match in the world of Super Smash Brothers Melee. Though he had fought bravely, Mewtwo fell to the might of the Gerudo giant, Ganondorf.
"Ugh! I would've won if that Bob-omb hadn't landed on me!" Mewtwo complained as he exited his teleporter.
"Yeah, well, few people can get to Sudden Death against me." Ganondorf replied, with just a hint of gloating. Mewtwo floated out of the portal room and in the direction of the locker rooms. Ganondorf exited his own teleporter, and took a moment to reflect on his latest victory.
"Dang, he's right." Ganondorf said to himself. He followed in Mewtwo's direction.
"I AM NOT GAY!" Captain Falcon yelled at his colleagues in the Smasher's lounge. He was specifically looking at Roy.
"Yeah, sure, uh-huh," called Fox from the other side of the room.
"Then why did you try humping me so many times during our match?" Roy asked coolly.
"It's a technique, you ignorant ass!" Falcon shouted in reply. "Why don't you guys make fun of Marth? He wears a tiara!" Marth looked up from his book, How to keep Deep Dark Secrets. The prince hastily put it behind himself.
"Because it's 'Make fun of Falcon' Day!" Falco joked.
"Don't make me teach you all a lesson!" the Captain screeched, quickly to anger.
"Hey-a! Anyone seen-a Yoshi?" Mario asked everyone out of nowhere. The dinosaur wasn't anywhere in sight, and hadn't been for an appreciable time.
"Pi! Pi-chu!" Pichu uttered.
"Geez, where's Mewtwo when you need him?" Roy asked no one in particular. Mewtwo had not returned yet to the lounge.
"Pika!" Pikachu said. The rodent gave a cute looking pose.
"Somebody shoot him before I barf." Zelda commanded. Samus was quick to fire a missile at Pikachu. The pokemon jumped to dodge, but its yellow striped chair bore the blast, leaving black scorch marks here and there.
"Pika, pi! Pi-pi-pika CHU!" Pikachu babbled. It cowered behind its charred chair.
"Geez, Samus," said someone walking into the room. "You shouldn't be so mean to the other pokemon." Mewtwo sat down at the nearest chair.
"Now he gets here." Marth whined.
"Did I miss anything special?" Mewtwo inquired.
"Not really. Just Captain Falcon trying to make an argument that he's not gay." Roy teased. Captain Falcon went to Falcon Punch Roy, but the sword-fighter jumped out of range and returned with a slap to Falcon's face with the blunt side of his blade. Falcon finally returned to his seat, mumbling something about not getting any respect. Roy sheathed his sword and sat in his seat as well.
"Save it for the battle field, please!" Link complained, trying to be the peacekeeper.
"How about we save it for you?" Captain Falcon taunted, rubbing his injured cheek. "I'm sure I could take you on, fairy boy!"
"Hey! Not only do I not like that name," Link started. "But that's my younger self's nickname, you pig-headed jerk!"
"Pig-headed jerk?! If you want a piece of me, you can come and get it!" Falcon threatened, getting up to his feet.
"Cat fight!" someone anonymously yelled. Link got up to meet Captain Falcon. Falcon shoved the swordsman back. Link stumbled, but returned with his own shove. The F-Zero racer retaliated with another push on Link's shoulders. This time the Hylian fell down. Link got up and loaded an arrow in his bow. He drew, aimed, and fired at Captain Falcon. Falcon dodged it just in time and advanced.
"Ladies, LADIES!" Samus positioned herself one arm's length between the two. She pushed them apart. They slowly but surely stopped seething.
"That's better." Samus said, and returned to her seat. Link and Captain Falcon returned to theirs' as well.
Meanwhile, Ganondorf was trying to go back to Hylia for more training. He punched in the code for Gerudo Valley, Hylia on the portal control keypad. He set the teleporting to ten seconds delay, enough time to get in the portal himself. He entered the teleporter. 10…9…8…7…6… It's been a while, Ganondorf thought to himself. 4…3…2…1…0. Ganondorf looked up, for what reason not even he knew; ready to find he back home. Nothing happened. The lights in the room began to flicker. Ganondorf looked around, but did not exit the teleporter. His hands went to cover his ears when a horrible accordion solo boomed over the intercom.
"Aaagh! What is this racket?" Ganondorf groaned to himself, though still standing in the teleporter. He had never heard an accordion in his entire life. The annoying music continued, but at a lesser volume, as an apparent male started to 'sing'.
"Here's a knife, here's a gun!" the voice said, not in tune with the music. "They'll be fun, for everyone!"
"Urgghh!" Ganondorf yelled, still covering his ears. The portal instantly shut itself to the room outside, and Ganondorf beat on the cover with one hand, but went directly back to covering his ear.
"No one gets out alive!" the mystery voice turned to a much more serious tone, and the accordion stopped. Ganondorf yelled until the small room went black.