Where Broken Hearts Go
I don't own Harry Potter.
Inspired by "The Heart Wants What It Wants" ~ Selena Gomez
Lily pressed her back against the cold brick walls of the dungeon, sliding down the wall slowly. Memories wracked at her mind as she choked on the tears that sparkled on her cheeks.
She closed her eyes, biting back another fresh wave of pain. He leaned closer, brushing her lips lightly with his own. "Lily," he whispered, pulling her closer. He lied, he twirled a lock of her hair around his finger, touching her lip with it.
"I love you," she kissed his cheek gently.
With the same tenderness that broke her heart, he gazed at her and then lowered his head. She thought he was shy, now she realized he couldn't meet her eye. "I love you, Lily," there was something indistinguishable in his voice. It wasn't love, it was hesitancy.
She felt like she was drowning in the air, every breath seemed to choke her. Her throat seemed to close up on her.
"Always?" she asked, it was a child's question. He gazed at her, the fire and passion of their kisses in his eyes.
For a second, his eyes seemed to dim. "Always," he promised, sealing it with a deep kiss.
She'd believed him. Her vision blurred and she hit the ground hard, her eyes on the opposite wall, which seemed to blur into a meaningless blob.
His lips were red, a trace of her lipgloss on his mouth. He gave her a beautiful dazed look when he opened his eyes.
"Wow," the shock in his voice was clear.
She laughed, brushing the smudge of lipgloss away with a finger. "I'm yours."
He was silent, leaning in to kiss her again.
She wanted to scream. She wouldn't cry over him. He was just a boy.
He kissed her once, and then again and again. Each time it was as though he was pulling at something inside of her, opening her up so that she could fall into him.
He kissed her until she was breathless, until she felt like she couldn't breathe, only kiss him harder.
"Stop," her voice was breathless, but she was firm in stopping him.
He kissed her neck. She pushed him away slightly. "I said no," she pulled away fully, her eyes daring him to continue.
"Don't be like that, Lily," he opened his eyes in annoyance. "I've waited a year for you."
"And I'm not going to give you what you want," Lily snapped back. "I'm not some plaything that you can just throw away when you've had what you want. I'm not going to be just another notch on your bedpost."
He gazed at her in confusion, his blue eyes skimming over her neck and down. "I see." His voice seemed cooler, he ran a hand through his shaggy blonde hair. "Well it's not like it would be a one night stand. I like you Lily," he broke off after a moment's rambling.
"But you don't love me?" she asked quietly, lowering her gaze.
"I do," he replied quickly. "But that's not the point, Lily. We've been dating over a year now. You can't just keep stringing me along, you know I love you and what I want."
"I'm not giving it to you," Lily replied in a tense voice. "If you can't see that, maybe we should't be together..."
Joe seemed to hesitate for a long moment. Finally, something cleared in his eyes and he shook his head as though to rid himself of something. "I didn't mean to pressure you. I just thought that you weren't going to be one of those goody-two-shoes."
"I'm not," Lily answered. "I just have morals, and I don't want to break those over a boyfriend. I want to wait. Please?"
"All right," he let her rest her head on his shoulder.
"W-why?" Lily shook her head, tugging at the ponytail and letting the red curtain fall down her shoulders. "Why couldn't I love someone else?"
He had never cared, never. He was too much of a player to change for her. She'd seen it before, but she'd always made excuses and pretended as though he was truly hers. She was under the false impression that she was the only one who he ran to.
Of course, the only reason he gave up trying to bed her was because he must have found a new toy to play with. She shook her head at her own stupidity, but the tears still fell.
At the party for the Gryffindor win, he brought her a cold butterbeer which she sipped gratefully. She'd dressed up for the occasion with a pair of tight dark blue jeans, and a soft red and lace flowery shirt. She'd pulled her hair half up and worn a pair of gold earrings.
But she'd noticed that more than once, while she was sitting beside him, he turned his head as another girl passed by. At first, she didn't notice that his gaze was following them.
But as another girl walked past, she lifted her head and realized he was still watching her. The girl had long golden blonde hair, dressed up in a classic little black dress. It was in no way too revealing, but Joe seemed to have noticed the girl.
Lily stared at him until he turned his gaze back to her. He flashed her a half-guilty look and gave a half shrug as if to say, what? and he kissed her cheek gently. She rolled her eyes playfully, but there was no guilt in his eyes as he glanced back at the girl.
Her eyes burned. He had never looked the other way. He had eyes for every girl, including her. She was never special to him. He let his gaze wander constantly, and she never took it seriously. She never thought he would follow through with what he was doing. She thought he was still loyal to her, and only truly wanted her. Not every other girl.
Her friends had warned her, they had told her about other girls he was with...and she'd accused them of lying, of being jealous of her, she had thought he was loyal to her. She was stupid enough to think he loved her and only her.
"He's lying to you, Lily!"
"Didn't you see him the other day? Francesca was bragging about it all of Divination, talking about bedding the star Quidditch player. Now who do you think she was talking about, Lily? Huh? Do you think it was some other guy?"
"Maybe it was James," she's defended him.
"God, Lily, you're so stupid! Francesca has too much past with James to ever look his way again. She knows that they were never meant for one another. Your Joseph is no saint, he's a lying, cheating-"
Lily cut her off before she could finish the sentence. "You're just jealous!" she snapped, feeling a surge of untamed victory. "You've never liked him, and now you look for anything he does wrong just so you can shove it down my throat!"
"Wake up, Lily! You're supposed to be the smart one. You think that he doesn't see other girls because you're so perfect? He does. But he's not like Frank," Alice referred to her boyfriend of two years. "He wants them. He lusts after them and you're blind to it."
"He does not. He loves me, and only me," she'd upheld her belief.
"You think he didn't take up the offer of any other girl who spread her legs for him like some kind of-"
"How dare you!" she whipped out her wand. "Take that back." Her friends both looked stunned, exchanging a shocked look before taking a precautionary step backwards, eyes wide.
One of them pushed her brown hair out of her face and tilted her chin up defiantly.
"You just can't handle the truth. You can't handle the fact that he's not truly yours, that you're sharing him with all the girls who follow him around like pathetic puppy dogs. Just because you'll bed him doesn't mean he won't look the other way."
Lily opened her mouth to deny it, but stopped. Something dawned on the other girl's face.
"Ah-ha! I knew it! You refused him. You wouldn't put out, so he's gone to find some other girl who doesn't need to be half drunk to sleep with him."
"At least you didn't give him what he wanted, he'd be gone faster than you can say 'Quidditch'," the girl pointed out.
"That's not true. I have morals. He agreed to wait for me," Lily shook her head. She hadn't removed her wand from the other girl yet.
Possibly sensing she was on dangerous territory, the other girl paused. "Why hasn't he left you yet?"
"He loves me," she felt a smile play across her lips at the words.
Alice took a slow step forward, placing both her hands on her friend's shoulders. She sighed softly, as though in defeat.
"Does he? Would he give up the world for you? Would he give up Quidditch? Does he look at you like you're everything in the world? Do you even know who he truly is, Lily? I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but I'm warning you...I don't think you know him well enough."
Alice had been right. Frank looked at her like she was everything, the world to him. He loved her so deeply, and he never once looked after another girl. Sure, he cared for all of his female friends, but he never thought of making a move on them.
He was loyal to Alice, and he was always doing sweet things to her. He would surprise her her with a white rose, or take her out and hold her hand in public.
Lily pulled her hair away from her tear-stained face. He hadn't come after her. She had burned down bridges in order to defend his honor, and for what? He never deserved it, but now she had broken relations with some of her best friends.
He'd made her believe that her friends were just jealous, that they didn't like him.
For a moment, she wanted him to come after her. She wanted him back.
No, this wasn't a fairytale. She wasn't a princess, and he wasn't her prince charming coming to rescue her.
"Do you trust me?" he held out his hand, gesturing to the broom that he hovered on.
"Joe, I'm not getting on that thing!"
His face seemed to fall for a moment, but he swung the broom around and took off to join the other boys on the field.
"I guess that's a no," she whispered to herself.
She missed the shuffle of footsteps, until a shadow fell across where she sat. In the already dark dungeon, it made little difference but she could see a male's outline across the light of one of the torches on the wall.
"Go away," she managed through her sadness. A flicker of hope rose up inside her.
"Sorry, no can do," there was a thump as he sat down next to her, mimicking her position of sitting with her legs in front of her. He kept his legs out straight instead of folding them up to his chest like she did.
"James?" she couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice.
He threw her a look. "Who were you expecting?"
She was silent, brushing a tear away and dabbing at her eyes with her robes. James studied her for a long moment. So this is where broken hearts go. "I'm sorry."
Lily lifted her head in shock. "Why?"
James shrugged. "He was never right for you, Lily. He's not worth it."
"Thanks," she said in a very hollow voice.
James hesitantly placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm serious, Lily. We all saw what happened back there. You didn't deserve any of what he said to you." James licked his lips nervously and then continued. "Has he hit you before?"
Lily shook her head. "It was an accident." Unconsciously, she raised her hand to where he'd left a faint red mark.
"Gods, Lily, you're so stupid!" he made to gesticulate wildly and his hand caught her face as she made to calm him down. As she reached for his hand, he brought his arms out in frustration. "It was never about you!"
One hand caught her across the face, she recoiled in pain and drew back warily. Instantly, he tensed as though waiting for a snappy comeback, but none came. He made no move to help her, seeming uncertain of what to do.
"So you see no future with me?" she asked point blank.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair in annoyance. "No," he replied shortly. "I want to be an international Quidditch player. You'll be nothing but a burden to me." Almost as an afterthought he nodded to the red mark and said, "Sorry about that."
A burden. That's all she was to him, ever. That and a pair of lips to makeout with, a pair of knickers to try to get into.
"Well then," she said, trying to calm herself. She looked around for something to say. "I guess there's no reason to keep dating."
Joe softened his gaze at once. "No, I didn't say that, Lils," he said, using the nickname she hated. "I still love you. I'm just saying that we're almost adults, there's really no reason to act childish about this. There's no point of acting like there's a future when there's not."
"I'm acting childish?!" she screamed. "I'm sorry for thinking that you were a decent person. I'm sorry I didn't believe what anyone said about you, and defended you! And you..." She shook her head, "I was stupid for believing that you were even interested in me."
"You're beautiful to me, Lils," his eyes softened to a brilliant blue. His voice had a note of pleading in it. He lowered his head shamefully.
"I don't care," she shot back. "That's not enough. You only think I'm beautiful. You don't care about me, what my hobbies are, my favorite books, you don't care about any of that." She took a deep breath before saying the end. "And I don't care about you anymore."
Joe's head snapped up and his eyes grew cold. "All you ever do it yell at me for being late. I don't have time to care about your hobbies, I have other stuff to do. You nag me constantly. I'm tired of it."
Lily gazed at him, hurt. It was as though they were hashing out every little pet peeve, every tiny insignificant problem that they had with one another. She gave a sad sort of sigh. "All right. Let's get this over with then. I'm not right for you, and you're not right for me."
"What are you saying?" he seemed startled, as though he hadn't realized she was serious.
"I could yell at you until I go hoarse, I could tell you how much of a jerk you were. I could tell you how unreliable you are, and tell you every other flaw you have. But I don't care enough, and I don't want to go through that. So I'm telling you it's over."
He looked shocked. "B-but why? Is that what you want?"
She lowered her gaze to the floor, speaking to the carpet. "It's not about what I want. It's about what I need. You're just not what I need. I need someone who thinks I'm more important than Quidditch," she hesitated, raising her eyes to his briefly. "It's not just Quidditch. It's everything. I can't-" her voice broke.
"It's what, Lily?" his voice had turned deadly cold now.
She sighed. "I want...I need someone who will love me for who I am, and will give me their time."
"I spend time with you," he shook his head as though ridding his ears of water.
"It's not the same. I need someone who will drop everything to be with me. You aren't willing to do that. I'm not asking for you to be around all the time. I've asked before...and you can't give me that." She shook her head at her own foolishness.
"You're really ending it, aren't you?" his voice was flat, with a trace of anger. She could see the shock there in his eyes, and the barely hidden pain.
She tried to keep her voice level and even. She had to address the facts, ignore the pain in her heart as she said the words."I have to. You deserve better," she paused before adding, "and I do, too."
"All right," and with that, the pain in his voice and eyes was hidden away. His eyes were oddly blank, his voice flat and monotone. "Good bye, Lily." He seemed to spit the words with as much hate as he could muster, as though to cause her more pain.
He turned and walked purposefully away, snatching up his things and storming out of the portrait hole. She stood there, feeling numb to the core, still not quite sure of what she had just done.
"Lily?" the voice had her turning to meet Alice's wide brown eyes. "Are you okay?" She was suddenly aware that half of Gryffindor house was staring at her with wide eyes. Several of them turned away when she turned her gaze on them, but a few remained where they were, staring.
She found herself nodding. "I'm fine," she spun on her heel and made for the portrait hole, bolting for the dungeons as soon as her feet touched the carpet.
"It was impressive, what you did back there," James continued. "You were right to leave him."
"Is it true, that he cheated on me?" Lily asked, wiping her eyes.
James looked uncomfortable. "You don't need that burdening you too, Lily. It doesn't matter now."
Lily chewed her lip. "But I want to know, I deserve to know."
James sighed, looking increasingly uncomfortable. Slowly, he lowered his head in acceptance of her words. "He did."
Lily nodded slowly, her eyes flickering back to the torch that hung above them. "So he never really cared," she spat out.
James sighed. "He doesn't matter, Lily."
She turned her green eyes back to him. "What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing. He's the one who never paid attention to you, you said it yourself," James replied evenly, his eyes narrowed.
"Maybe I should go apologize," Lily made to get up, but James stood quickly and pulled her back.
"No, don't let him win." He gazed at her tearstained face. "He didn't care, not even now. He doesn't even want you. He's got a string of girls besides you. You think that he would take you back? He's got no reason to. He's got other girls who will gladly crawl into his bed with him. Don't be another one of them, Lily. Don't turn into another girl who pines after him."
After he said this, she stared up at him with her eyes widening and filling with hurt. James opened his mouth to apologize. "I didn't mean-"
"No," Lily cut him off quickly. "You did. And...I'm glad." His face must have shown his shock because she added, "I needed the truth. I-I don't want to be just another girl to him. I just want to feel like he might miss me...because I know I miss him. I know I shouldn't though."
"He will miss you, but right now he doesn't know what he's missing," James chose his words carefully. In truth, he thought it was very unlikely that Joe had even noticed Lily's absence.
"It was just a destructive relationship. I saw the way he looked at other girls, but I never thought..." she trailed off. "I didn't want to believe what everyone told me."
"I know," James let go of her hand, now realizing she was past running. "You know, I've had girls cheat on me before."
Lily lifted her head in shock, her lips parted slightly. "You have?" she sounded astonished. "I mean, not that I..."
"It's okay," he reassured her. "I just, it's not something I'm proud of. They think that since I'm a Quidditch player that they can mess around behind my back and I'll keep them around for looks. Or they think I don't notice, but it still hurts."
"I didn't know," Lily said softly.
James shrugged. "I didn't think it would matter much if I mentioned it."
Soft footsteps approached and then paused. Lily's gaze flew past James to find another boy staring at her. James didn't even glance up.
"Remus." Lily's voice was almost pained. "You came after me?"
Remus stepped closer to the light, the flames reflected in his eyes as he did so. "Yeah."
"But," she struggled for words. "But I insulted you, I ignored you for months after Joseph and I dated. He wouldn't let me talk to you, and I listened to him."
"I know," Remus took a seat next to James, cross legged on the floor next to his partner in crime. "That doesn't mean I stopped being your friend."
James glanced between the two. He could see it, there was something that passed silently between the two.
Lily brought her eyes up to meet Remus's gold ones, her eyes filled with unshed tears. Before she could cry again, James brushed the tears away gently. "I'm sorry for how I treated you. You didn't deserve it. He just..."
"You loved him," Remus shrugged nonchalantly.
"What, are you doing him or something?" his voice tore at her.
"No, he's my study partner. Joseph, you're overreacting, he's just a friend," Lily was pleading.
"I don't want him near what's mine," his voice was hard and demanding.
"I'm not yours," she tilted her head up to meet his eyes. "I'm not some piece of property that you own!"
"That's not what I meant," he placed his hand on hers, intertwining their fingers. "I mean you're my girl, not his."
"I know that," she replied, her voice softer now. "You don't have to worry about him. I love you, not him."
He looked rather sullen. "I would rather you not see him at all."
"I know." She paused, chewing her lip decisively, "I won't see him anymore if it matters this much to you."
He leaned down to kiss her cheek. "Thanks, Lil."
"I just didn't want to fight about pointless things," Lily sighed softly. "I thought I was compromising, but I wasn't. I was just giving him what he wanted."
"He was a bit of a control freak," Remus commented quietly.
Lily didn't seem to have an answer for that, instead she rested her head on James's shoulder.
"I've missed being your study partner," Remus continued, his eyes on her and James.
"Will you take me back, then? As your study partner for potions?" she asked.
Remus smiled. "Of course, you're the top of our class, I'd be foolish to refuse."
"He drove me away from all of my friends," Lily paused to wipe her eyes. "I need to go apologize to them. Alice, and I accused Mary of...being jealous of me."
She made to stand, but James grabbed her hand and held it. "Don't do it now, I think Alice already knows. Give yourself some time."
Remus glanced at their hands, and he raised his eyebrows at James.
Lily sighed, lacing her fingers with his as she sat back down. "You know, you're not so bad."
James dared to give a slight grin, cocking one eyebrow at her. "So not an arrogant toerag, then?"
Lily gave a smile, the first true smile he'd seen since he'd been with her. "Not entirely."
"So you'll be okay, then?" Remus rose, brushing off his robes from dust.
Lily gave him a small smile. "I think I'll be fine, thanks Remus."
When Remus had walked back towards the common room, James looked down at the girl.
"Why did you come after me?" her small voice came from his shoulder.
"Because I care about you," he replied automatically. "Why didn't you run away when you saw it was me?"
"I'm not afraid of you. I never hated you either," she added. "I'm glad you found me."
"I'm just glad you didn't run away," he smiled lightly. "Are we good?"
She looked up at him as he stood up. He offered his hand and she took it. "We're good."