"Kanna…Was it your wish that I should never be happy?" He whispered through the sound of the rain thundering against the ground outside. Each flash of lightning caused shivers to run down his back, every clap of thunder sent a fresh wave of tears down his cheeks.
He clamped his hands over his ears, sobbing pitifully into his knees. "Please…" he whispered tearfully, "Please stop" he sobbed, drawing his knees in against his chest and closing his eyes tightly.
"Hakkai? You okay in there, man?" Gojyo called from the door and Hakkai rushed to wipe the tears away with his sleave, "Yes, of course, Gojyo" He answered in a cheerful voice, "Please, don't worry about me, go down and eat" he pleaded in a soft tone.
"Alright" Gojyo sighed, "You come down when your stomach is feeling better, kay?" he answered before footsteps led away from the door, leaving Hakkai once again to his night terrors.
How on earth could he tell them? They all shared something in common, a terrible past. Gojyo…Goku…Sanzo… He had no right to burdan them with his own problems after what they'd been through, but day by day it drained away at his life, reducing him to such a state that it was worthless to continue living.
"Kanna…Please" He whimpered, another clap of thunder rang out and the light flickered over head, giving a hissing noise then dousing the room in an undaunted darkness.
From downstairs he could hear Goku cry out, and by the sound of the following gunshots he had obviously decided to leap upon Sanzo. Laughing gently, he tried to push the memories from his mind but they seemed to resurface continuously.
Those hands. The hands he wiped his tears away with had recklessly murdered thousands of other people. With his bare hands he had brutally and without true reason killed all those demons.
They had been someone's child. Someone's parent. Someone's lover. He had thrown away all reason and risked it all to save his everything and became nothing in the process.
Was that why she killed herself? Because she couldn't stand to be with a nothing. Someone like him? Maybe it was…not that it mattered, he couldn't change things no matter how much he tried.
Cutting through his thoughts, lightning struck within feet of the building and he cried out, throwing himself face down into the pillows and shielding his ears from the noise. "Stop!" he cried to no avail, his body shaking uncontrollable. Inaudible sobs and gasps escaped his throat.
Perhaps it would've been better had Gojyo left him to die. He'd tried many times to convince himself otherwise but he would have died rather than face the pain he'd lived with all these years. Perhaps it would have been better…
It was the first time Cho Hakkai had thought of death seriously. Thought of taking the blade on the bedside table and using it to end his pitiful shadow of a life. He found a shaking hand reaching towards the weapon then he felt something stop it.
"'Kai…" Gojyo said softly, looking down at Hakkai with pity. He didn't want pity, he knew that wouldn't help anything, he needed something else, something no one could give to him, something no one would ever give to him but Kanna.
Arms pulled Hakkai from his bed and into a warm embrace. Soft fingers wiped away the tears and kissed his cheeks whispering words that Hakkai could never believe. Promises that could never be kept.
"I'm so sorry" Gojyo whispered, "You deserve so much more, and all your left with is us" he said in a low voice, holding Hakkai as if desperate for the contact between them, "But I-…I want to be there for you, 'Kai, you're the only reason I live and maybe, maybe I'll be the reason you live…" he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Hakkai's lips.
Caught up in the moment, a startled sob slipped from Hakkai and he stared up unwillingly at the man who had deigned his death, prevented him from following after Kanna and…in those eyes he found comfort and felt himself lean into the others arms, giving himself into Gojyo, praying he wouldn't have to lose his everything ever again.
As the thunder struck loudly outside, rain crashed against the window and roof and as the lightning flashed, illuminating the room for a few seconds. Cho Hakkai found his everything and Sha Gojyo found his reason.