Death the Kid and the Asymmetrical Stone
By Tru
Disclaimer: The author does not own Soul Eater, Harry Potter, or any other fandom that may be referenced in this story.
Warning: The following program contains (but is not limited to) mature themes, censored swearing, cartoon violence, asymmetry, and explosions, and is intended for an older youth audience. Viewer discretion is advised.
Special thanks to Jedi Goat for beta reading my story.
Prologue: Witches Are Subject to Change Without Notice
Privet Drive was a very boring drive indeed. Each home was an exact copy of its neighbour. Hedges were perfectly trimmed, cars were neatly parked on their respective driveways, and every streetlight was aglow, fireflies scattered across the canvas of the night.
Yes, it was night time. I really should have said that first. Regardless, there was not a single window ablaze among the row of identical houses, meaning that their owners had turned in. All was still.
Except, that is, for a lone passerby. I suspect he was a stalker. He calmly strode up the empty street, holding up a small silver lighter. This lighter greedily sucked the light from all of the streetlamps, set to creepy music. This important task done, the street was cloaked in darkness, giving perfect cover for the interloper to do his business...whatever that may be. Yes, now I'm very scared that he's a stalker.
Momentarily a lone light began shining in the sky. The figure looked up. The light began approaching, becoming brighter. Perhaps it was a falling cell phone. Or a golden coin lost from a pirate ship in the sky. Or a giant meteorite about to extinguish all of humanity.
Alas, it was none of these things. In fact, it was...a flying motorcycle?
The motorcycle landed. Its gigantic driver was clutching a small bundle of cloth, inside of which was a baby. Great, Motorcycle Man's a stalker, too.
Neither figure spoke, because they already knew the tasks they were to perform tonight. Thus, the stalkers remained silent.
A cat was calmly licking its paw across the street. At least, the stalkers hoped it was licking its paw. In the darkness created by the first stalker, it was hard to tell. It was also hard to tell that the cat was wearing a hat. Like the Cat in the Hat. Except NOT.
Either way, the cat was unfazed by the intruders. In fact, it began to approach them. Was it just a trick of the (nonexistent) light, or was it steadily growing?
Steadily the cat began taking on a human form...
"Oh," said Dumbledore, trying to betray no surprise but failing miserably, as he appeared to be having a nosebleed.
"My," added Hagrid, using the cloth to futilely wipe away his own nosebleed.
Harry cried. Loudly. Because no one was paying attention to him, even though the freaking franchise was named after him!
"So..." purred Blair, licking her hand in a highly suggestive manner, "did you boys bring any treats for the hungry kitty?"
Good thing it was dark.
"Snake snake, cobra cobra," murmured Medusa in a very creepy voice.
No, she wasn't casting a spell. She was simply admiring the snake exhibit at the zoo.
"Yessssss," ssslured Orochimaru in an equally creepy voice.
Sasuke Uchiha was leaning against the glass. The snake exhibit was located inside an entirely circular building, which essentially meant no emo corners. Thus, the Uchiha had to resort to an alternative.
"Don't do that," pleaded Crona, "the snake doesn't like it. It says so on the sign." He helpfully pointed out a sign that read Do Not Lean On The Glass, In Case It Magically Disappears And You Fall In.
"Hmph," Sasuke said emoly. "It's asleep anyway."
Indeed, the snake was apparently unfazed by two evil snake users, plus their- um, how do I say this? - research subjects, congregated in one place, and simply continued its afternoon nap.
Medusa and Orochimaru had met on the popular online dating site Entwined Snakes, geared toward snake users and evil villains, particularly evil snake users. Not that using snakes automatically makes you evil. That's called stereotyping, kids. It's all a conspiracy by the government to sell more puppies.
Anyway, it was Sasuke's birthday today, and they had all traveled to the zoo to celebrate. Medusa had specifically warned her son beforehand that if anything odd happened, he would be punished. Naturally Crona couldn't deal with that, so he was trying to be as helpful and non-destructive as possible. This could be hard when you had Ragnarok popping out of your back at random times, but Crona was trying very hard.
Presently Medusa and Orochimaru left to find a more interesting snake. Sasuke left with them in a futile effort to find a corner.
Crona remained by the sleeping snake, staring intently at it. He could sympathize with it - it was like the times his mom would lock him inside of a dark room, only to be beaten up by Ragnarok. Okay, not really, but still. They both had traumatic lives.
The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were level with Crona's.
It winked.
"Ah!" Crona cried out. Suddenly he realized that, no, the snake wasn't trying to eat him. He felt obligated to wink back.
The snake pointed its head toward Sasuke, then rolled its eyes. The implied meaning was, "Ssssstupid emo kidsssss."
"I know," murmured Crona. "Though if you think that's bad, you should see my mom. She has an odd tendency to punish me often. I can't deal with that."
The snake nodded in agreement.
"Where do you come from, anyway?"
The snake jabbed its tail toward a sign next to the glass. It read: Boa constrictor, Brazil.
"Was it nice there?"
The snake jabbed its tail again at the sign, and Crona read on: This specimen was bred in captivity.
"Oh," said Crona. "I certainly wouldn't like to go to Brazil. It's hot, and the sun would burn my unusually pale skin. I can't deal with that. Then I'd catch Hepatitis because I couldn't get the immunization because my blood is black and it would harden. I can't deal with that, either."
The snake stared at him, perplexed. Suddenly a little girl named Angelica started jumping up and down, shouting, "MR. SNAKEY WOKE UP! HOORAY!"
"That's nice," remarked Mifune cautiously.
This remark caused Sasuke to walk back as emoly as he could.
"Out of my way, you," he said, punching Crona in the ribs. Due to his considerable frailness, Crona fell hard on the concrete floor. Sasuke promptly started leaning on the glass again.
"Oww," Crona moaned.
"He's blocking Mr. Snakey!" complained Angelica loudly.
What came next happened so fast no one saw what happened. One second Sasuke was leaning against the glass - the next he had fallen into the snake cage.
The boa constrictor took one look at the unexpected intruder - and promptly swallowed the Uchiha whole.
"Nooooo!" wailed Medusa and Orochimaru in unison. Despite one being a witch and the other being a powerful evil ninja, neither chose to do anything about Sasuke being eaten.
"I still can't see Mr. Snakey!" moaned Angelica. Mifune had wisely chosen to shield his self-proclaimed protégé's eyes in a futile attempt to retain some sense of innocence in her childhood.
Its meal now finished, the snake broke through the glass and slithered out of the snake exhibit. Crona could've sworn he heard a low hissing voice say, "Brazil, here I come...Thanksss, amigo."
"Spanish?" Crona groaned, still on the floor. "I can't deal with that."
Next time: Enter Kid! The actual plot begins!