So I'm not feeling well, and so board. I wanted to update on my story but then felt like doing a sad/depressing story. I know, why would I want to write something like that. I think not a lot of people have touched base with death in "The O.C" and with all these rumours, going around about someone dying, I thought I'd do a little something on that. I haven't really thought this through, but I'd like to see what you guys think. I don't know If I'm ever going to continue on this, if I get enough reviews I'll make another part. Read and Review, Tell me what you think. :)


I stood in the dark. I was getting used to the feeling of instability and pain. It would go through my system so much, I was used to it. I knew deep down, there were people who cared but I couldn't let them. This was something I had to handle on my own. Every person I let in, would leave me. I couldn't handle it anymore. If I let the world just be the place that I would take in during the day, at night I could fall slowly back into the depths of what I felt. Unhappiness.

I can't stand to look down at the picture infront of me. A picture of me and my brother. Seth and I. We were on the beach. It was one of the best days in my life. Marissa and Summer were there as well. Most of the pictures I had of that day were group photos or us with our girlfriends. But then there was just this one. I even framed it. Seth had his arm around my shoulder, I had my arm around his as well. We both were smiling. Marissa was in the background, it was snapped right before the frisbee Summer threw at her hit her in the face. This picture just makes me shiver when I see it. It was like yesterday that this happened. How in one day can the person who knows you the most vanish. Seth knew me best, and he was gone. I had no one to turn to anymore.


In the last couple days many people have come up to me and said how 'sorry the were'. How could they be sorry? Did they know he was going to die? No they didn't. Instead they indulge there pain and act like there sorry. Half of these people didn't even give a fuck about Seth. No one really knew the real him. Behind all of his rambling, he was a very unique person. A person who wanted to just be excepted. He was a great guy, he cared, he didn't care if you were different, he didn't care about how you acted. He was just authentic. There's not a lot of people like him in the world. He made be happy. He made me think about what mattered in life. How being the bad-boy who thought insurrection would be great for attention, was actually just bringing me down further into my hole of uncertainty.


So I sit back and look on through the poolhouse. Many people have attended the service for Seth or shall we call it "After party". I wonder who all these people are? I bet Seth didn't know them. Seth is probably turning is his grave. Sandy and Kirsten even put on a bright face at there son's funeral. Entertaining. What is wrong with Newport. A Funeral is not a fucken party. Fuck. Seth would probably want me to play video games. A smile surfaced my face, but I withdrew it back instantly. I couldn't smile. I can't be happy. I'm not like these party fucks, I don't walk around to flash my new rocks and fashion style at a someone's death. Dammit. I can't even stand to look at them anymore.

I make my way to the bathroom of the poolhouse. The slight change in my stomach tells me that I am about to relieve myself. The disgorge comes up slow. But my body feels a ton lighter. It feels good it's like flushing my problems. I stick my fingers down my throat to disgorge some more. It's satisfying. Nothing has made me feel better in the last 24 hours. I stand up slowly, losing my balance, gripping along the towel rail. Once I am standing secure, I walk over to the bed. I flop down like I'm falling off a building. It's like a plummet to the concrete, but this time the concrete is satisfying. The cushions are filled with cotton not the hard rock I was hoping for. My eyes build up slowly with liquid, I close them tight, making sure that my true unhappiness doesn't show.

Everything will be fine soon. That's what Seth would say. He'd tell me how everything was going to be alright, and I'd wake up the next day, and he wouldn't be lying. Everything would be fine. I knew once I woke up tomorrow that it would be a lie. He'd still be dead, nothing would change. I remember before Seth left, what he said to me, over and over again it replays. "Ry, I'll be right back". That was a lie. Seth would never be right back. I wish I would have known, I wouldn't have let him go, I would have said I loved him. Anything would have been better then my response, a simple nod and glance. Nothing! I could have said, "Okay Seth, see ya in a bit" or "Bye, Seth." But I didn't. I could feel the anger build inside of me. It rushed through my veins. I took the picture frame I once stared at and hurled it. It went through the door of the poolhouse. I started to scream.

"How could you leave me, I would never leave you, What did I do Seth. I'm sorry, just come back , please."

I blacked out after that, I could hear voices, but I went crazy. I hit whatever was around me. I grabbed the books off my shelf and hurled them as well. I started to yell again.

"Fuck, Seth, Please come back. No body else gets me. Just please Seth, Please. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you go. Who am I going to talk to, Who am I going to play Video games with. Who's going to ramble to me. WHO SETH WHO?"


I collapsed to the ground. Now I was filled with the liquid that I didn't want to show. The water came down my eyes. I felt warm arms around me. I rocked back and forth in the person's arms. Sandy and Kirsten were both there. "I'm sorry" I kept repeating to them. I started to shake. Kirsten appeared infront of me. "I miss him too, Ryan. I miss him too."

After that I guess I fell asleep. When I woke up I started to remember what happened. Everything flooded my mind. Seth was dead, I broke down, and most likely everyone saw. That didn't matter thou. Seth was still dead and I wanted to be with him. With Seth gone I had nothing to live for. Seth vanished from me. I couldn't let everything just go back to normal. Seth would be with me forever. I would never forget him. I layed back down in bed and closed my eyes, I didn't freak out, but I cried. Freely. I felt a hand grab my leg. I slowly let my eyes rise, It was Sandy. I knew with Seth gone, I had to be strong. I couldn't leave "This world" yet. I had to be here for Sandy and Kirsten.


"I miss him." I said it faintly, I looked up into Sandy's eyes. He let his tears fall freely as well.


"I know Ryan, I do too. I do too."


Well, that was what I came up with. Did you love it, hate it? Please Review, I think It was sad, I teared up after I read it to proof-read. Well, Please Review, give me some pointers, tell me if I should continue or just leave this a one parter.


Thanks for your time


-Rachel.


Check out my other fic, "Knowing What's Lost".