Dear Ma,

Hey, it's me, Ty! Yeah, you know how I am with this writing stuff, so I'd just like to say, Merry Christmas! Things are going great for me, here, but I can't take the week off to come visit you. You know some of the dumbasses I work with—they'd all fall apart if it weren't for me being around! By the way, that guy you've been dating. The one with the red suit. Yeah, he's totally cheating on you. With a guy. So, yeah, you should totally break up with him.

See you around, from, Ty.

Craig...

I must say that the recent experimentations at my 'away' laboratory here have provided most delightful results. Therefore, my faithful kamerad, your services are not needed over the course of the next month or so. That's right, you have the month off! So long as you aren't planning on tracking me down like you did last time—that is verboten. I went through a lot of effort to give you those extra arms—all three of them were selected from very muscular, healthy candidates, and you should be more grateful.

Dr. Faust

Merry Christmas, Sasha!

It was very difficult to write little letter with such big hands! I try and try and keep breaking pencil, then tearing paper, then breaking table in angry rage, when Doktor said he write letter for me instead!

It seem like yesterday when I first held you in arms, so smooth to the touch, so beautiful in the foundry light... Nyet! It was long ago, and we have both since grown together! Wait until you see present I made, just for you! This is why I have been gone so long!

Dasvidanya!

Mom,

Well, I'm not much of a letter writer, so to speak, but I'll try this darned thing out. I've been working hard with the boys here at Reliable, and well, you ain't got a clue what crazy hogwash goes on out in the middle of nowhere. Good news being, I'm all right.

Bad news, I've been feeling like I've been going insane recently. I keep seeing this... well, don't know what in Sam Hill it is, but it looks like some kind of sick, freak show-morgue type of zombie or some other trash. It's got two faces, for goodness' sake! I'm beginning to rethink my employment here, for sake of my sanity. I'm dead serious, here, when I come home for Christmas, all I want is to sit down with the family at the dinner table. Without giant men made of meat coming in and smashing me into a wall.

Your ever-loving son, Travis.

MUM I, BEEN WORKIN, AN IS A WERD BLOODY PLACE TO WORK AT THE CHICKEN WAREHOUSE BU I BEEN WORKIN...

The rest of the letter is scrawled, indecipherable gibberish.

Madame,

Excuse me for not having written you in a while, but my career can run into... unexpected stays where work is quite plentiful and, thusly, quite pressing and urgent. Rest assured that I will be coming to visit over the coming holiday, just to ensure your wellbeing.

I have been seeing your son more and more often these days, and at out last meeting he was quite uninjured, but take warning that he may not be quite 'right in the head' so to say. It seems as though the long, long hours he had been working are taking their toll on his mental health. As such, he has taken to believing everything that enters his ears, including the quite homophobic jests some of his colleagues take part in. I trust that such an intelligent and beautiful lady such as yourself can be relied upon to sort out the facts from their counterpart falsehoods.

With much love and adoration,

The Spy.

Hey, Dad.

Got your letter. Looks suspiciously like the one you sent me for Thanksgiving. And Halloween. And Labor Day. You took the time to copy the letters. I'm flattered.

Whether or not you approve of my job, Dad, I'm telling you right now that you're insulting a man who can take your bloody hat off from a mile away. And the one who practically raised himself up from almost nothing, which you caused, and made a name for himself. I'm quite happy with my choice, so don't think you're going to talk me out of it.

-Your son.

I've done it, Jeeves! I've finally looked at enough of these top-secret intelligence reports to know what the Democrats are up to! Who knew they were planning to go to the moon? This is unebelievable, Jeeves, the kind of stuff you find in these places. I'll have to go check Watergate once I win the election!

-Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon.

PS: This fire-retardant suit smells HORRIBLE. Remind me never to do this again when I get back.

Baker, this is Doe.

I've come to notice that your 'haircuts,' as you like to call them for some reason, have been slacking EVEN FURTHER from my precise specifications. How hard can it be to cut off every follicle of hair on my head? No matter how good your goddamned excuse is, I've taken to drastic measures. I had that bumbling, mumbling, pyromaniacal psychotic scorch the remaining hair down to the roots so it will NEVER GROW BACK. Therefore, you just lost yourself a customer, you sorry sack of hair spray!

By the way, Merry Christmas. Maggot.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY PEEPS OUT THERE!

Especially: Anime Borat, Hwikek, Dr. Mason, ZetsubouAi, and MephismonX!