Scholastic Park
teachersores of '90s television
by
Sly Parker
#
It was a dark and foggy night. The noisy crane lifted the metal cage to the pen, and the person in charge ordered a workman to lift the heavy cage door open. The workman heaved up on the flap, but the teacher grabbed him before he could jump back. The teacher was surprisingly smart. The workman struggled for a while but then was eaten up.
#
Whata Bum was a lawyer who was sent to this amber mine. He was representing a group that was supporting a new park. When he arrived there, the miners had just found an ancient fly trapped inside a piece of amber. The fly ate his way out and then gobbled up everyone at the mine.
#
Two scholotologists were looking for teachersore bones when one tripped over something sticking out of the ground. His name was Id E. Ott. Id fell in the other's path. Sidekick, his sidekick, fell over him. They had tripped over a bone. Out of their pockets they pulled out spoons. Quickly they dug a ditch the size of a football field, to uncover the completely connected skeletons of the velocivelcromisterfeeny (velcrofeeny), the height of a man and surprisingly smart, and of the misterbeldingsaurus rex (belding rex), as big as a semi and as deadly as an army.
A helicopter appeared from the horizon and landed on the back of the newly discovered belding rex. The foundation shattered like glass, the pieces going everywhere. The aircraft fell to the floor of the crater and blew up.
"Serves them right, breaking our find like they did," Id said with satisfaction. Sidekick agreed. They retrieved the velcrofeeny, damaged in the explosion, but couldn't restore the destroyed belding rex. Id kicked the dirt back in to fill the ditch and cover the remains of the burning helicopter.
A nearby kid remarked that the velcrofeeny looked like a big, fat, juicy turkey and started barking. Then the child chewed on the bones until Sidekick could get him off.
Id explained that it was like a bird, with the same bone structure, and traveled in groups. To demonstrate what the velcrofeeny did, he ate the kid.
Out of the helicopter and ground climbed a teenager. "Man, that was way cool, where's the party?"
Sidekick frowned.
"I." He burped. "I," he started again, "want to ask you something rad. In a song or charades? Heck, how about a song!
"For all my money, will you come," he shrieked at the top of his voice, "to my park and die of boredom?
"To judge it fair,
for costumers everywhere?
"To pay away
all their credit way?
"To see my pets,
no regrets?
"And sing and dance, at the mark,
of the only place? Scholastic Park!"
Sidekick clapped and Id whacked her to make her stop. "Should we," Id asked her. Sidekick grinned.
#
The helicopter ride to the island was very shaky. Even though the teen was a good pilot, it was a bad imitation of a helicopter. Ian Malcolm X, a mathematician that came for the same reason as Id, had fallen out. The teen, Ham, owner of the park, explained that a lawyer was supposed to have met them before take-off. "Man," he said, "lawyers are way uncool." When they got there he greeted, "Man, where's the party? Ooops! I mean, welcome to Scholastic Park!"
They entered Section Springfield. "What do they eat here?" Id asked.
"Barts, lisas, milhouses, and nelsons," Ham replied.
At the sight of a living principalskinnerpod, as large as a blimp, Id climbed up its back and slid down, repeating this procedure many times while shouting,"Weeee! Weeee!" In the car, they saw a few peaceful teachers, including the almost musical missuskrabappelpus wading through the water.
When they stepped into the Visitor Center lobby, a workman on a ladder was installing the final, marble-sized piece of a belding rex skeleton. "Be very quiet," Ham whispered.
Id shouted out, "Wow! That's the biggest belding rex ever!" The workman jumped at Id's burst of excitement. He missed his mark on the teacher, and man and bones came tumbling down.
At the visitor center, Id and Sidekick met Dr. Kung Fwu. They were amazed to see a baby velcrofeeny hatch and then have Ham turn it into Frosted Flakes. "How did you do that?" they demanded.
"O man, I learned that trick from The Rip-Off Book," he explained. "You simply pour the milk and whala, Frosted Flakes!" He also told them the secret of teacher making: money and power. "All you have to do is take the nose-hair of an ancient mosquito and give it water and sunshine."
At the dinner table they had a serious discussion on the park safety, between life and death: whether or not they should serve the potatoes with the broccoli.
The debate was ended when Id jumped up onto the table, holding his throat and making noises like,"Hulllllha — !" and, "Hehhhhch — !" He held up two fingers.
"Two words," Ham said. "I am good at charades," he assured them. "I … I what? I me, Ham? Sounds like! I wham! I spam? I ram? I am? I am! I am checking my pulse! No. I am forgetting my tie? Bogus, here, I'll lend you mine. But watch out, it chokes. It chokes! I am choking. Ha, I knew you weren't checking your pulse." Dr. Kung Fwu leaped into the air and kicked Id in the stomach. A stem of broccoli flew out his mouth.
It was a very sunny day when Tim City, a baby boy that walks on stilts, and 1989 Lexus, Tim's four-year-old sister, joined their grandfather, Ham, and the rest of them outside. They all climbed into the awaiting Power Wheels that were on a track, and took off with Lexus singing, "Pow, pow, Power Wheels: pow, pow, Power Wheels: Power Wheels! Now I'm driving for real."
They passed a gateway with a sign that read:
Scholastic Park
DEAD Ahead
Lexus and the rest changed their singing to a "We're Going to Die" chant and then to "Follow the Yellow Brick Road". There were electric fences and trenches on either side of them.
They entered Section Johnadams, where teachers were fed corys, shawns, topangas, and erics. They passed a hurt misterturnertops. Id jumped out and sawed off its three horns. "This is the best ivory source ever," he said with amazement. Sidekick and a worker took it back to the Visitor Center to show Ham, while Id, Lexus, and Tim rode on.
Suddenly it was nighttime, raining, and lightning.
#
Dennis Nerdy was a double crossing computer whiz that worked for Scholastic Park. He had set a timer for the park security system to turn off, so he could steal the mosquito nose-hairs. He planned on taking them to the dock where he could sell them to another company — Abunchofbums We Are, Inc. — for a cent. He accidently took a wrong road into Section Westbridge. There sabrinawitches, zeldawitches, hildawitches, and salemcats were fed to teachers regularly. He ran over an animal that stuck to his windshield. He could barely make it out to be a spitting willardkraftyl, whose spit is like acid. It only had to froth on the window, and the car and Dennis were eaten up in the spit.
#
The Power Wheels jolted to a stop. They were in Section Bayside. There, teachers were fed zacks, screeches, ac's, lisas, kellys, and jessies. The belding rex ripped through the now un-electrified fence. His first target was baby Tim. He picked up the Power Wheel and dumped him out. He stilted quickly to the left, dodging the stomping right foot of the beast. Then to the right, barely missing the left. Id sang, "You put the left foot in, you put the left foot out." The belding rex obeyed. "You put the left in, and you shake it all about," Id ordered. That gave Tim just enough time to make for a nearby tree. "You do the Hokey Pokey and you jump into that trench, that's what it's all about." The belding rex leaped into the soaked sky and then fell heavily into a deep concrete ditch, made to separate teachers.
#
In the control room, Sidekick, Ham, Mold — the park's weapon control and safety guy — and Gay Arnold met to decide whether they should chance turning off the park, and then turning it back on so they could reactivate it, and turning on the security with it. The risk was losing the park for good. They all agreed it was the only way. Ham raised his hand to the switch and said, "Here goes nothing."
#
Id and Lex abandoned the powerless Power Wheels, stopped by Dennis, and searched for Tim. All they saw was the belding rex's new blood covering its jaw, drooling on the side of the trench.
#
The control room turned black at the flip of the switch. Sidekick spun herself around in circles, calling out, "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody — !"
"Stop!" Mold tried to cut her off. It was too late. Everyone heard the scream.
#
The girl that stood by the counter asked the clerk, "What, no more Pops? I got to have my Pops!"
"Sorry, little lady, but I sold the last box to that man that just walked out the door."
The girl caught up with him, tripped him, and stole his Corn Pops. "I got to have my Pops!"
#
"Just kidding!" she blurted out.
Ham told them, "I'm now going to attempt to turn the power back on." He felt around in the darkness. "Oops!"
"Ooops what?" Sidekick asked worriedly.
"Nothing, just accidently hit the park's self-destruct button."
#
The whole island was about to blow up. Lex ran and ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She stopped short at the water's edge. Looking back once, she plunged into the sea. "But I told you, I want the blue one!"
Lex woke up and slapped Id in the face. "Id, wake up! You're talking in your sleep." Then they both went back to sleep, up in the tree.
#
"Got you back! Ha, ha!" Ham exclaimed. "I'm switching on the power … Now!" Nothing happened.
#
After they fell out of the tree, Id and Lex headed for the Visitor Center. They stopped on the way there to scramble some velcrofeeny eggs. "Yum, yum," Id said, "but in the real movie, the teachers aren't supposed to breed."
"Cut, cut!" Film director Steven Stillbug walked onto the set. "Your line is, ` — But it needs more salt.'" He turned to his left. "Take 2, action!"
#
"The only thing to do is, You and you:" He pointed at Mold and Sidekick. "Go to the Nublar Utility Shed."
"But how is that going to help us?" asked Sidekick.
Mold explained, "It's not. But going there could get us killed, and I have a hunch that I'm going to die."
"Neat!"
"Gay already left while we were speaking, so you can join him too," Ham said.
Outside, they ran to the velcrofeeny pen, noticing the cage empty and ripped open. "They're on the loose," laughed Sidekick.
At the utility shed, Mold told her, "I can hear death's call upon me now; we must part."
"I don't hear anything."
"What better death call than silence? Bye!"
#
"Yum, yum, but it needs more salt."
About an hour later they came to a big, ten-foot tall fence. They began to climb. When Lex finished, she looked up at Id, "Aren't you going to come down?"
"I'm scared of heights," he cried.
#
Inside the shed, Sidekick accidently found the circuit breakers for the park's security system, including electric fences. Gay's assuring arm fell on her shoulder, and she screamed. "Oh, whew! It's only your arm," she said, relaxing. Then she flung the bloody thing to the floor, and one-by-one she turned on the different sections of the park.
#
"Don't look down," Lex told him.
"I just did," he laughed in a petrified voice." An alarm sounded, along with a light flashing from the fence. "What does that mean?"
"That you're about to get electrocuted," she said calmly. Then she left him there to die.
#
In the Visitor Center, Lex got very hungry. When she entered the kitchen, two feenys were already feasting, so she joined them. The fight started when all three of them wanted the same meal: her.
She took a beer bottle out of her coat and peer pressured them into drinking. "Come on! Everyone does it." She demonstrated and then poured it out onto the ground. They quickly lapped it up like dogs. They were thirsty for more. She took out another and did the same. They did the same too. She now realized she was out of alcohol, so she took out a lighter and a few cigarettes. She lit them and stuck them in the feenys' mouths. "Oh, you look so cute! Hold that position! Let me get a picture!" She pulled out a camera and took a picture. Blinded by the flash, and drunk from the drink, the feenys ran into each other and fell to the ground, unconscious.
Lex found Sidekick and Ham in the control room, starting up the rest of the park. Together, they briefly told of the past events. They were interrupted when one of the two feenys appeared. The door wouldn't lock, so Ham and Sidekick had to stand there to keep it shut. They begged Lex to work the computer, so the doors would lock. "What will you give me if I do?" She grinned greedily.
"Anything," they pleaded.
"Anything? Anythings!" She pulled out a contract.
"Okay."
"What if I don't want to?" She pulled away the contract before they could sign.
"Can you say, `About to dangerously die by a beer-drinking feeny,' five times fast?" Ham questioned her.
"Fine, I'll do it." For hours she sat there trying to master a video game, while Ham and Sidekick were struggling to keep the door shut. When she became bored, she decided to try locking it.
She brought up the file and locked the door. The three of them climbed up into the space in the ceiling. Lex had almost made it up when Feeny crashed through the window. It clamped its jaws shut on her leg and pulled. Lex fell back down. The teacher frisked for any more drugs, and found some cocaine and marijuana. Before taking the drugs, it devoured her.
Ham and Sidekick crawled out of the ceiling and onto a platform above the lobby. "Man, if only Id wouldn't have knocked down the skeleton, we could have climbed down. On the count of three we'll jump," Ham told her. "One, two, three!" Ham stayed there and Sidekick jumped. "I got the last laugh, heh!" Sidekick couldn't hear him because she was dead. Ham jumped: with her to break his fall. A velcrofeeny came from the kitchen, walking like a drunkard. It chose to eat dead Sidekick first. Ham was free of danger, because both teachers were busy with prey.
He walked outside to a waiting car, and drove to the helipad where the helicopter rested. Everything seemed so peaceful. He could almost, just barely, hear music in the background. He didn't really want to abandon his island, like a ship under siege, but knew that someday he would return. He always loved teachers, ever since he could remember, until now. He didn't want those people to die. Well, maybe just get hurt.
He regretfully boarded the helicopter. He put the key in the ignition and turned. He pulled on a stick and pressed a few buttons. He didn't know what he was doing. The propeller started turning, faster and faster. The helicopter lifted off of the ground and made for the sky.
Before it could raise eight feet high, the belding rex jumped from the trees and landed on the helicopter. The propeller, spinning too fast to see, chopped the belding rex into sawdust, gushing blood everywhere. Inside, all Ham could see through the windshield was blood. So he turned on the wipers. Gaining altitude, he thrust the helicopter forward.
He was glad to be free of the pen, the island, and Ham. Feeny was proud that he had thought of ripping off Ham's face right before eating him. It served well as a mask. The stupid belding rex was no doubt jealous. No wonder it lunged at him. He had fooled Sidekick and Lex, and probably fooled you, too. Once on ground, he would never be hungry again.