CHAPTER 1
Having lived her entire life in the space, in a confined place such as the Ark, Clarke has never been exposed to climate changes, not really. The closest thing she came to one was when she was taken to prison at seventeen and discovered that the cells were a bit chillier than the temperature she was used to.
On earth everything is different, from the air she breathes to the feeling on her feet when she walks. And it's getting colder as the days go by, the sun still rises every morning but the gray clouds don't let it shine at its fullest. Some days the sky roars alive and lightings illuminate the world as rain pours furiously from above.
Clarke spent most of her childhood reading books about the Earth, as every other kid in the Ark she had to study the planet and everything in it. As far as she knows there are four seasons in a year marked by specific weather conditions, and fortunately she's studied every single one of them to understand her current condition.
With the temperatures quickly dropping, the rain, the lack of animals running around or birds chirping closely by, Clarke is pretty sure that winter season is coming and it will get colder before it gets hot again.
But this is ancient information and the world has changed, so she has no idea if she's in any condition to survive a winter.
Not that it matters anyway.
It's been two whole weeks since she left home and everyone she's ever known behind. It's been two weeks since she saved her friends from Mount Weather. Two weeks since she put a bullet in Dante's chest before killing every single person at his care. It's been two weeks since she stopped feeling like a human being.
Closing her eyes she fights back the fatigue that comes every time she remembers what she did, and her body shivers with the cold breeze that seeps through the opening of the Drop Ship where she lies uncovered and unpreoccupied. There are dozens of orange blankets lying around and she's cold but unwilling to reach for one.
What's the point anyway, the cold she feels inside of her has nothing to do with winter.
The Drop Ship is strong enough though, it survived an explosion after all and if Clarke doesn't leave the insides at all then maybe winter will pass by and she'll remain unseen. As if she truly deserved to live after everything she's done, it's in this very place that she survived the explosion that killed three hundred Grounders and it sickens her that this might be the same place that might end up saving her life.
Sleep has become a funny thing, something to yearn but not something to count on. It comes with unpleasant memories that have turned into nightmares that hunt her when she closes her eyes willingly, so she refuses to give in to sleep until exhaustion forces her and she faints, at least that way she doesn't dream.
The days drag on but on her self-induced state she wonders if Bellamy feels the same way and if he does, then how is he holding up without crumbling down with the weight of what they've done?
I bare it, so they don't have to. Somehow, even back then, she was certain that those words would come back and bite her where it hurts the most and oh boy, how right she's been about it. Maybe she should have accepted Bellamy's forgiveness even though it wasn't enough, it could never be enough.
She never saw herself as a leader, not without Bellamy by her side. Isn't he supposed to share this burden with her? Isn't he supposed to easy the weight of their guilt?
Bellamy is at home, at Camp Jaha with their family, taking responsibility for the people she chose to leave behind because she couldn't face them anymore.
Isn't she supposed to help him with that responsibility too? Were they ever a real team to begin with?
She's so tired of doing absolutely nothing and she's alone with her thoughts, with a mind that keeps reminding her of things she'd rather forget, and she can't think of a worse way to face her crimes.
Maya's face, distorted by the poison Clarke let lose. All those children dying slowly and painfully just so Clarke and her friends could walk away unharmed but barely. Jasper's hateful stare that is both judging and pained. And Raven's screams, tortured and furious at the same time is what keeps waking her every time she falls sleep.
They're alive, her friends are breathing but none of them have been unharmed.
And then there is the most vivid of memories, fresh in her mind, as if it has happened yesterday. The Commander telling her to choose with her head and not her heart.
Clarke could never do that, she could never cut the tie between her heart and her head, she could never leave someone she loves behind just because it's convenient. She is not that kind of person, she is not Lexa and Lexa is a leader.
It's the Commander's eyes the ones that hunt her the most. Those green pools of pain that said goodbye to her when she needed support and made her believe at one point.
She's been so fast to trust, so blind to jump on deals and situations she never really understood well. Lexa isn't to blame though and Clarke is aware. Lexa abandoned her, Lexa chose with her head.
A formidable decision she made. Lexa never owed anything to Clarke or her people, she was always protecting her ends, as Commander she never really had any other choice. She achieved victory, she saved her people and Clarke didn't match that description.
Clarke is the one to blame for what happened at the doors of Mount Weather. She is the one who trusted a person who was never meant to be trusted in the first place, a person who was going to betray her if she needed to, no matter the deal they have made before.
The Sky People were a threat from the moment they landed on Earth and she understands now that the Grounders never stopped seeing them that way.
Her mind is a funny thing though, working together with her heart to remind her of moments and feelings that tie the Commander so tight to Clarke that it physically hurts to give them way to play out. But how good it had felt to work together, how right it had seemed, how natural their bond seemed to develop.
But there was never a real Alliance, she never had Lexa's support, the Grounders and the Arkers were never on the same side, and ultimately Clarke never needed any of it. Lexa and her betrayal gave her the last thing she was lacking, rage in her motivation and that was enough at the end.
Maybe Lexa planned to sell her out days before they marched to Mount Weather together, maybe from the day they met and maybe that's why she gave Clarke so many liberties. She was never going to choose the Arkers if it came down to it and Clarke has been so naïve in thinking otherwise.
She had killed Finn. In some dreams she can feel his blood dripping down her hand when she stabbed him in the heart and the sensation stays with her for hours after she wakes up. Death is all they've seen since the moment they landed, the Earth has changed them all, some more than others. Finn has gone on a killing spree for her and his destiny was sealed, she knows, but he'd done it for her and that knowledge weights even if she tries to ignore it.
Princess.
The last word he ever spoke, the nickname he gave her.
Is she destined to destroy every person she loves or vice versa?
Closing her eyes she curls in on herself, covering her face with her arms and desperately trying to avoid the next memory that always comes when she remembers Finn's death. Raven.
More specifically, Raven's screams.
Who would have thought that the girl who came in between her new relationship with Finn would be the one who keeps Clarke afraid to go to sleep the most? Raven's pain is something that she can't think of without feeling as if she's being ripped apart.
Finn has been new to Clarke, someone to lean on when she felt alone but he had been everything Raven had, and now he's gone because of Clarke.
Who ever thought that she would be a good leader for The 100? How did she even fell on that position?
The only console she has now is the knowledge that she always did what she thought best for her people. She was keeping them alive and she has never chosen with her head instead of her heart.
She can honestly admit that she's never made a choice coldly, never lessen the importance of her feelings or those of her people. Every decision she's made has been for them and it pains her because she can see why Lexa would call her weak.
The heart is weakness. And Clarke is weak, so weak that she can't even be with the people she saved without feeling like her insides are shattering.
After rescuing everyone from Mount Weather there hasn't been much talk on the way back home. It was devastating for all of them. They were terrified, not only by the Mountain Men but of Clarke as well.
In those hours that it took to get home she could feel, the people she's fought so hard to save, judging her. She was no longer a kid, no longer innocent and they have all seen the kind of monster that lives within her. They all saw what she's capable of and she can't take it back.
But she has tried, hasn't she? She tried to negotiate, she tried to talk some sense into Dante and his son, she tried to be good but it didn't pay off.
Her mother tried to be supportive and Clarke saw how hard Abby tried but the judgment was there, beneath the sad eyes and wish to understand. If her mom couldn't take it, it was no surprise when Jasper blamed her for Maya's death and who was Clarke to try and convince him otherwise when she pulled the lever that killed his girlfriend along with all of rest. At the end of the day Maya wasn't Clarke's responsibility, she wasn't one of her people.
And then there were the kids. Dozens of bleeding children killed by Clarke's doing. They didn't deserve to die, those kids weren't even old enough to know what was happening around them; they didn't know that other kids were about to be sacrificed for their benefit.
Cage has been desperate to protect his own, going to unmeasurable ends to give his people a chance to live in the outside world, willing to kill Clarke's friends for that chance.
How is she any different from Cage and his father after what she did? Isn't she supposed to be the good guy?
If given the opportunity, would she have betrayed Lexa?
No, no she wouldn't have. She would have chosen Lexa and the Grounder over the Mountain Men because she thought that she had built something beyond an Alliance with the Commander, something that was worth keeping.
How stupid and naïve had she been, she hadn't even needed an army to take down Mount Weather, only a handful of her closest friends and a broken heart have done the job.
She had needed to choose with her head from the beginning and Lexa has tricked her into choosing with her heart.
No, she wouldn't have betrayed Lexa because even though the Alliance was strong, Clarke has believed in Lexa.
Not that it matters now, nothing does. The Alliance is broken, the Grounders might attack the Ark at any moment and she has always been disposable to the Commander.
She should have never trusted a Grounder. But things will be better now because the Council won't make the same mistakes she's made and she's not there to see the faces of the people she rescued either.
…
The next time her eyes flutter open it isn't because of a nightmare but the smell of burning wood. It's been a while since Clarke felt the heat of a fire and the feeling is welcomed, embraced.
The small fire is only a few feet away from her, perfectly put together with rocks surrounding it and burning dry branches from outside. For the first time in more than a week Clarke isn't cold.
Octavia is sitting on the edge of the Drop Ship, her back to Clarke.
It must so easy to build a fire, Clarke has seen Lexa do it before, even Bellamy but this is the first time she thinks about it and it's because there is a fire two feet away from her. Why hasn't she started a fire on her own? And more importantly, why has she stayed so close to the Ark?
"You were shivering." Octavia turns around and involuntarily hits Clarke with a million memories at once, but there is also pity in her eyes, sadness and anger.
"When was the last time you ate something?" Clarke looks away, embarrassed by the question and doesn't look up when Octavia comes closer and opens up a bag she's left by the fire. "I have something. Here, eat it."
She's handed a red apple, not nearly as appetizing to Clarke's eyes but she accepts it even though she has no real desire to bite it.
Clarke isn't the only one who lost something in Mount Weather. Octavia did to. Her position as Indra's second was taken away when blood was stronger than her warrior brothers. It's been so exciting to find her place in a world she didn't even know existed yet and Clarke has seen it.
"What are you doing here?" She coughs after speaking, her voice coming out soar and unrecognizable to her own ears. Two weeks without talking have almost make her forget how it feels like doing it.
"Everyone is out looking for you. I thought I'd check this place first but I never thought I'd found you here. To be honest I didn't think you'd make it easy."
"Why is anyone looking for me?" Clarke doesn't miss a beat. Will be punished for running away? Why would anyone bother to look for her?
"We need you back at Camp. The Grounders have come with a proposal to our doorsteps that we can't ignore. We need you." Octavia is offering water now and Clarke takes it eagerly, she might not be hungry but she is thirsty.
However, as she lets the cool liquid swallow her shame her heart is skipping beats as she thinks of the Grounders. Lexa. Whatever deal they are offering Clarke can't be present for it.
"Octavia, I can't." She stutters, feeling more tired than she has in days.
"You were perfectly fine after the missile destroyed Ton DC. What's the difference now?"
Octavia is raging, her face free of war paint is flushed with barely contained anger towards Clarke but the blond doesn't have it in her to defend herself, not from this and not now. There is nothing she can say to justify herself, nor does she want to.
"This time I'm the one who fired the missile, Octavia. That's the difference." She finds herself saying anyway, without looking up and pondering whether or not she could just lay down again.
"You didn't even know those people and you feel for them?"
"I didn't need to know them to feel for them." Clarke replies tiredly and turning the apple in her hands lazily.
"But you knew us when you left us to die. Didn't you feel for us then?" The younger girl asks through gritted teeth, obviously sarcastic but genuinely curious.
"I did." Clarke says with her eyes firmly locked on the red apple and an even weaker voice. "But I let her choose and I followed. I chose with my heart."
Octavia frowns at the admission and looks away from the skinny girl. She's not completely sure if she wants to fully understand what was said. "Yeah, well, you're a legend now. Even the grounders want to be in your good graces."
Clarke looks up, her curiosity proving to still be alive after all. "Why are people looking for me?"
"The Grounders know what happened in Mount Weather and they want to offer us an Alliance from this day forward."
"What?" Clarke is stunned, perhaps she's listening to this all wrong.
Octavia finally meets her eyes and takes a deep breath as she lets her face relax.
"Mount Weather has been their biggest threat for over fifty years. They thought they'd never defeat it that even Lexa decided to betray us at the last minute over a desperate deal she was offered even when she knew that the Mountain will still live, even when she had no reason to trust them whatsoever. They left us to die, Clarke. She left us to die but we didn't. We were only a few and on your command we defeated the Mountain Men. So yes, you're everything everyone can talk about and the only one who can seal this deal. Apparently."
Clarke sits upright, unblinking and her heart once again breaks when Octavia is done speaking. She's a legend because she murdered hundreds of people coldheartedly?
No, she tells herself, no. It wasn't coldheartedly, she felt, she feels.
"Her loyalty doesn't exist." Her throat closes in, she can taste the tears before they fall down her cheeks. "She only cares for her people. We're nothing for her. Her loyalty will never be with us. Their Alliance means nothing."
…
At the first sign of tears Octavia feels lost and momentarily panics before she scoots closer to Clarke and tentatively holds her hand. She knows her friend is talking about the Commander and Octavia knows that her own anger is slightly misplaced but she can't conceive the thought of Clarke leaving her behind to die. But it had been war, and difficult choices had to be made.
"Well, she is protecting her people." She admits with a much softer tone now. While everyone else seem to think that Clarke is unbreakable, here Octavia sits with the crying girl, just a girl at the end of the day.
"I think they fear us now. Lexa has given this a lot out thought. They can't just come at us but she can use what she knows we need. We are still newbies here on earth, so she's offering protection and training. I think she sees you as a dangerous enemy to have now and that's why she's come looking for you."
"Lexa went to Camp Jaha?" Octavia takes in the frown in Clarke's forehead as she nods and thinks about how different she'd be if Lexa hadn't abandoned them that night. The truth is that she can try as hard as she'd like to understand what Clarke is going through but she won't be able to because Octavia hasn't killed anyone who didn't threaten her life directly, and Clarke, while also in danger, has killed because of them, to save them.
"She even brought gifts and asked for a meeting with you. We told her you weren't available and she left with the promise of coming back in two days. Abby tried to talk to her but she wouldn't have it, she wanted to talk just to you."
She isn't ready to see Lexa or anyone else.
Clarke isn't ready to go back to Camp Jaha and Octavia must see it but she refuses to leave without her, not after she's seen her this vulnerable.
She does a quick inspection around and finds absolutely nothing that indicates that Clarke has been trying to survive in this place. And she's still hurt by what happened on Ton DC, and most likely than not she'd never consider Clarke a true friend again, but the thought of the Sky Princess leaving herself to die alone scares Octavia more than it should.
"Come on. Let's go back and we'll talk at home."
Blue eyes meet hers instantly and Octavia looks away. Camp Jaha isn't home for neither one of them.
"If not for you, then do it for us." She knows it's a bit low to play this card on Clarke, especially because she's already done so much for them but if it means to have Clarke with them again, then she doesn't regret it. They need her more than she's leading on.
…
Love is weakness, Lexa told her and Clarke was stupid enough to contradict her once.
When she stands on wobbly legs and Octavia hurries to help her she recognizes that the Commander was right all along. It's love for her people that led her to make the choices that cost all the Mountain Men their lives and it's her heart the one who punishes her for it every minute of every day, which could have been easily avoid if she had listened.
"I won't go back, Octavia." She tells her friend with finality. "But I will talk to the Commander and seal this deal for you."
"And then what? You'll come and sit here again?" Octavia asks through a frown and pursed lips.
"No. Then you'll never see me again."