(I don't own Robert, darn it. No profit, just entertainment.)
DO I BELONG?
by White Wolf
They're all asleep now. I should get some sleep, too. It's been a long day. But, my mind won't stop spinning. So much has happened. I really need to sort it all out. My whole life from now on hangs in the balance. I truly believe that.
I look at these men sleeping around the fire. I can't help but ask: will they really accept me as their new leader? Marion asked me that question before she rode off. I should have asked them that. Maybe, I was afraid of the answer.
We set up camp and ate dinner together, and it was pleasant. Who am I kidding? It was awkward. The time we spent together when we went after Marion at Clun wasn't too bad. Only then, they didn't really understand I'd be staying for good. Now, they do. I'm sure that has to make a difference in the way they think of me. If the tension remains, it won't work. I need help to learn the ways of the forest. They have to be willing to teach me and forgive the mistakes I know I'll make until I, myself, feel comfortable in this role. It's too hard to survive out here if we aren't all pulling together.
I believe in Herne's cause, even though I still don't fully understand why it was he chose me to become the outlaws' new leader. It has something to do with me possessing the balance of the Powers of Light and Darkness. I'm just a man. I may have been born to the nobility, but I'm still just an ordinary man--and a very young one, at that. Herne doesn't think I'm ordinary. I hope he's right. Not that I want to be special. It's just that I think it will take someone special, the way Robin was, to pull this off.
I look at these men, and I wonder. Five men who will be putting their lives in the hands of a virtual stranger. How secure can they feel doing that? How secure would I feel in their place?
Will Scarlet. He's going to be the most trouble and the biggest challenge. If Gisburne hadn't shown up in Lichfield when he did, Will and I probably would've killed each other. He certainly isn't shy about expressing his feelings. Tuck mentioned to me that Will constantly fought with Robin, too. And, he loved Robin as a friend. What can I expect from him? He already doesn't approve of me being...who I am, a rich, privileged Norman lord. I might as well get used to the arguments that I'm sure will plague all our time together. But, Tuck also told me that Will was loyal and, no matter how outrageous he sometimes gets, he'd always be there when it counted. That was for Robin. Will he be there for me?
Little John. Now, there's someone I know I can count on. We fought, too, in the beginning. I have no doubt he would've thumped me good with that quarter staff if Tuck hadn't intervened. Once I reasoned with him, he was all for joining in to get Marion back. I think instead of having to prove myself to him the way I know it's going to be with Will, he'll accept me first and only turn away, if I fail. I mustn't fail then, because I know I'll need his strength.
Tuck. He was the first. Of course, that was because he was the first one I went after, since he was the only one still here in Sherwood. But, I have the feeling that he might've been the first anyway. He's a kind, gentle man. I think he has always been that way, and being a friar only re-enforces that part of his nature. Yet, there's strength behind the gentle facade. He's someone you can talk to and depend on when things get tough.
Nasir. A bit of a mystery. He doesn't talk much. At dinner, even when I asked him a question or spoke directly to him, he either nodded, shook his head or answered with one or two words. I watched him, though, and I know he has deep feelings. It may be because of his upbringing that he doesn't share those feelings readily. At Clun, with one word from John and Will, he went from trying to kill me to helping me get the best of Owen. I know intuitively that I can trust him. He will watch my back. Like John, he will follow me unless I give him a reason to stop doing so.
Much. I think he's basically a happy person. When I fought John, he naturally backed his friend. On the trip to Clun, he didn't speak a lot, either. I got the impression he felt he should keep quiet while those older than he is handle everything. Maybe, he just needs to feel more comfortable around me. It may not be easy since, next to Marion, he feels Robin's loss more than anyone. I hope in time I can show him that he can count on me.
Marion. She isn't here. I wish she was. I can't deny I feel an attraction. If she was here, I think I'd follow my heart and try to pursue a relationship with her. I guess it's best she returned to Leaford Grange. She still loves Robin, even though he's been dead a year now. She's so beautiful. I must try and forget her. I must try.
Even if these men do accept me, will the villagers? Can they forget the man they depended on for so long? No, I don't want them to forget. No one should forget the things he did, the people he helped, the cause he fought and died for.
It's not my intention to make a name for myself. I want only to continue what Robin started. I can but hope that I'll meet the challenge Herne has given me to lead these men and do right by Robin's memory. If I'm to be the leader I need to be, I'll have to win their respect. Above all, though, I have to be true to myself. That's really the only way I know how to be. I hope it's enough.
I'd better try and get some sleep now. Tomorrow may be another long, hard day.
Herne protect us all.