Disclaimer: I don't own Deidara. He belongs to the wonderful mind of Mr. Masashi Kishimoto. Atsuko belongs to me.
The Pretender
I wanted to know who she was, really. I wanted to know who the woman was behind those cold golden eyes, behind that armor that she wore. I thought that I was afraid of her at first, but the thing was, it wasn't me who feared her; it was her who was afraid of herself.
That prodded the question,
Why?
She was such a perfect killing machine. She looked upon me, upon Sasori-danna himself, with such patronizing eyes. Our personalities and artistic views were different, but I still respected her. I wanted to see what her other techniques were. I had only seen her use one, and I bet that was by far her most gentle. She was beautiful, in such a way that made me doubtful of my own philosophies that I had lived by for many years.
So why was she afraid?
I could see that fear, that acute gleam in those eyes. It was there every time she opened them, and sometimes, I thought I was the only one who saw it there.
Was she afraid of me?
No, that wasn't it. She wasn't afraid of anybody, or at least nobody that I knew. She refused to see Sasori-danna as her superior, too. She once said to me,
'We are not similar, Deidara. You will never understand, even if I try to explain.'
I wanted to.
I wanted to see what she saw, feel what she felt, tasted, heard, said. I wanted to know everything about her, ever single little detail, inside and out.
I was an idiot, though, anyway.
Those things were the very material that she was made of. That was her strength, her weakness. That is, if she has one.
I laughed at myself. If people didn't know me better, they'd think I was hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with her.
I didn't quite know how to handle her just yet because she kept these things hidden from me. It annoyed me when she didn't answer my questions. I blamed my love for the fast life. I wanted things to happen when I told them to. I didn't like waiting.
But apparently, she was bent on exercising my patience.
It was an unusual thing that she was teamed with us. For one, the Akatsuki traveled in pairs. We were the first three-man team to ever appear in the organization.
Slash that; two-man, one-woman team.
And second, because she hadn't gotten rid of a very important bond. I was surprised that Leader-sama had let her in.
I had seen before Itachi and his little brother's malice toward each other. Atsuko and her little sister had that same sort of relationship, but the malice was one-sided. Kagura, (was that her name?) her rage was the hot kind of rage, the anger of the betrayed. Her anger used her. Atsuko didn't have rage. She had the cold disgust of the traitor. She used her characteristic nonchalance. She didn't have anger.
Atsuko and Itachi were so much alike, and even though Itachi had taken stabs at a treaty between them, Atsuko coldly rejected every one. I didn't know why she despised him.
In fact, she hated almost everyone. Hidan, who advanced on her in a flirty kind of way that made me wanna laugh on the inside, though that they were the same because of their affiliation with religion and what other kind of shit that he did. She treated him with the same thing that she did me when we had first met.
'You're not like me.'
Haha, Hidan. You're a fucking idiot.
Though she willingly carried out her assignments for our leader, she stayed as aloof with him as with anyone. He didn't like her secretive attitude; at a time, he thought she would betray them. But as five months passed by without a blip in her loyalty, he came to accept, and even covet, her unwillingness to connect.
Always that same thing, over and over again.
'You don't know who I am.'
Then who are you, Tsuchiya Atsuko?
Why are you afraid?
The answer slipped away again the first time I watched her fight her little sister. I had doubts that she had severed all of her ties with her village because she had left Kagura alive. I thought that she had some fear there, of killing her sister.
When Atsuko made the first move, I didn't doubt her ever again.
The first thought that came to me was,
Holy shit.
She didn't have a bond to sever with her sister. There was nothing there, no fraternal affection.
Why are you running away?
I was so fucking tired of staring at her back, always walking away from me. I wanted to see her face, not that stupid mask she wore, that emotionless, stony, beautiful mask. I wanted to know. I wanted to blow her to bits, to tear her apart, sew her back together, and save her at the same time.
I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to scream, so maybe then she would turn around and answer to my question,
'What the hell are you?'
oooo
Affection is a very different thing than attraction, you understand.
I think Deidara is the kind of person who would be frustrated by Atsuko.
Cheers.