Love for the Unloved - 2010 Contest Entry
Title: Old Spice
Your pen name(s): RandyCh
Featured 'B-list' Character(s): Angela
If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this contest visit the Love for the Unloved 2010 C2 Community:
http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/Love_for_the_Unloved_2010_Contest/83019/
AN: Be nice... It's Old Spice.
WARNING! This story will make even more sense if you've seen the Old Spice Super Bowl add. Here's the link just in case:
http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/ watch?v=owGykVbfgUE
There's a direct link on my profile as well...
Disclaimer: No Twilight, Old Spice or Edward ownership. SM is doing the "Look at what you own, now look at me..."
X*X*X*X*X*
*Sigh*
Yeah. It's that guy again. The Old Spice guy... All muscles and "look at me." It's depressing how addicted I am to this freaking commercial.
He's got oysters filled with tickets to that thing I love (do I even HAVE a thing I love for which I would have to acquire tickets?)...Shit... now he's on a HORSE!
*Sigh*
I am officially the saddest excuse of a single female in existence. Why, oh why didn't I say yes to Eric Yorkie while I had the chance in High School? Seriously, his acne had improved and his breath... okay his breath still smelled like week-old-Doritos, but there's mouthwash for that! My only prospect during those hellish years and I said no for something as silly as oral hygiene.
Now I find myself at 26 staring at this godlike man on my TV screen telling me to look at my man and see the difference. Well, what do you know? My no-man looks exactly like you! He has the Old Spice and everything, even the boat! HAH! In your face, beautifully sculptured man!
Awesome. Now I'm yelling at the electronics and scaring the cat-because like all sad depressed almost-middle-aged-ladies, I have a cat.
"I'm sorry Miss Kitty Fantastico. It's not your fault I never paid attention to my friends when they offered to take me out in college!"
"Yes you did! You went out with us and you had drunk hilarious hookups with gorgeous guys! Don't start the pity parade now! The TV's on right? You watched it, didn't you? You actually watched a TiVoed commercial! Come on Ang! You're sooo much better than this!" This is the moment when I thank God for overzealous roommates.
"Thanks Bells! But you don't have to exaggerate! We both know that the "hookups" I had consisted of a hookup, emphasis on the "a" part of the sentence; drunken idiot who apparently didn't know his head from his ass when he decided to crash both of them against me. It was humiliating!"
"Come on! You had fun! we laughed our asses off for like 3 days with that one! And he wasn't the only one, I distinctly remember..."
"Ok, ok! I'll never say I didn't have fun with guys in college again, deal? But please, please never mention, or start to mention, that person again in my presence..."
"FINE! But you know he'll be at the wedding and you'll have to talk to him and everything, right? And please try to be nice? He is one of Edward's groomsmen."
Believe me, Bella, I couldn't forget that even if I wanted to.
X*X*X*X*X*
Great! There's an Old Spice billboard next to the dress shop! Extraordinary job Bella. Awesome location for my totally public humiliation.
I am now wearing a tight as hell dress that I almost couldn't put on! It's officially cutting my air supply, and it's probably making me look like something resembling a gift wrapped by a 4 year old. I step out of the mini-dressing room, prepared to face the awful reality of the life size mirror, only to see Edward's absolutely gorgeous sister, Rosalie, already modeling like a pro. That bitch! Ok, Rose is nice. She used to defend me from bullies. But she's a total bitch for pulling off wearing that dress...
"Stop poking me with your claws Bella or I WILL make a toast where I talk about that weekend in Tijuana that you conveniently forgot to mention to your lovely fiancé!"
"I'll stop if you promise to stop looking at Rosalie like she's a goddess and start looking at yourself in the mirror for once! You look incredible in that dress!"
I turn away from the mesmerizing bitch and finally catch a glimpse at myself in the mirror.
Wow! I really do look good. Apparently slaving myself away in a gym these past couple of months has paid off. I own this dress. Rose looks good but I look freaking awesome. I abso-fucking-lutely adore who ever designed these fabric beauties. I'll even forgive them for the little non-breathing malfunction.
"Bells... This is incredible! I love it! I am SOOO going to make You-know-who regret ever playing me the way he did!"
"That's the spirit! I knew you'd look awesome in red! Doesn't she look incredible?" Of course that's when I remembered that all the Cullen and Swan women are present and that they all probably know who I'm talking about.
"Angela dear, I always knew behind all that baby fat there was a beautiful flower waiting to blossom!" Well thank you Renee for that very nice comment, Bella's mom has never been one for tact.
"Ang, if I weren't already sure of my sexual orientation I would totally do you!" And here's to another Swan legend coming to the rescue. Bella's sister everyone! The one and only Maid of Honor: Miss Jessica Swan!
"Thanks, Jess. I think Angela would have never noticed your preference for driving stick if you hadn't brought it up." Rosalie rolls her eyes and smiles at me. "You look incredible Ang I KNOW Jasp...He's going to die when he sees you in this dress."
"I hope so Rose, because if I don't cause some sort of reaction the asphyxiation will have been in vain and if I die of air shortage, with no pay back, then I'll turn into a pretty nasty ghost. I'll probably haunt your cousin forever."
"Ok, everybody! Let's give Angela some space to breath," a warm voice says from across the room. "Why don't you all go to the deli while the seamstress finishes up here. Bella dear, call Edward and tell him we expect him for dinner at 7:00 sharp."
And that's how I found myself alone with Esme Cullen, aunt to the bane of my existence and mother to one of my best friends.
"You truly do look lovely in this dress, dear. Martha here will help with the "tighter" parts of the ensemble. And who is it that you're bringing as a date to make my poor Jasper jealous?"
Straight to the point, eh?
"Well Mrs. Cullen I'm actually going stag. If it weren't for your "no cats allowed in the house" policy I would have brought my party animal... But I'll have to make do with your husband for a few dances"
"Angela darling no friend of my Edward is going alone to his wedding. Who's walking with you down the aisle?"
"Edward's roommate from France, I never met any of his friends from back then so no idea..."
"Ooh! He's SUCH a lovely boy! And he's single too!"
Great! Another Cullen who's setting me up with the foreigner. Edward was adamant that he was the love of my life. He hadn't even told me his name but the idiot just kept looking at me like he was an all powerful mind reading oracle who knew my future resided on the other side of the Atlantic with some French dude.
"That's what they keep telling me!"
X*X*X*X*X*
"It's almost time Miss Swan."
The party planner and her flock are getting everyone ready for the rehearsal dinner. I still hadn't seen the Frenchie but I had definitely seen Jasper trying to avoid my gaze while feeling up some waitress at the coat-check. Oh, how I loath thee!
Right then I felt it, like a fresh current of air passing though my spine. Kinda creepy, if you ask me. I turn around trying to locate the source of my shivers and was met with some Old Spice. An actual human male who smelled like the smell of my dreams.
"Hello! I'm Ben Cheney," he says with a grin, "Edward's roommate from France."
But all I heard was "Look at that idiot with the waitress, now look at me..." He definitely had the potential for some oyster/ticket action.
"Hi! I'm Angela, E and B's third wheel" AWWW shit! Did I really just say that like it's a good thing? Honestly girl, he's like Adonis and here you are degrading yourself some more.
But while I'm busy berating myself, Adonis starts to laughing.
"Seriously? Oh! That's hilarious, I would have never pegged you for an extra, no B-listers I know could pull off that ensemble you're wearing." And now he's complementing me! Gods of the Old Spice look-at-me-Dude, please let me be coherent and sound like a normal human being for just this once.
Clearly no deity is willing to listen because I snort like Babe, Pig in the City and keep laughing at my idiot self for the next couple of minutes. The only thing is... He's laughing, the Greek god is laughing and it sounds just like Babe too...
"So what's so funny that Cheney here's about to blow a gasket?"
In between snorts and giggles we finally tell Edward what he wants to know just as we realize that there really wasn't anything funny about those comments. It was our laughs that made us continue, it was like a decease that spread through laughter.
"Ed, man. Your friends from home are hilarious! Why was it that you never introduced us?"
And that's when I notice that Frenchie's not French at all. He actually sound kinda southern.
"You're not French, are you Ben?"
"And what would make you think I'd be French Angela? My really stuck-up self? Or was it the body odor?"
"You smell like Old Spice" Shit... there I go again.
"OK... you guys seem to be getting along just fine. Ang, please show Ben around when you have the time!" Edward turns around and gives me his weird oracle-eyes one more time before returning to his seat next to his almost-wife.
"Sooo, you've smelled my smell?"
X*X*X*X*X*
"When I was in Kindergarten, I fell from the swings and scraped my knee; I cried so hard that everyone got scared and ran away. Everyone ran except for this little boy with big glasses and messy hair. He told me that everything was alright and that his dad was a doctor so he knew a few things. That was the day I knew Edward Cullen was destined to be a very annoying wanna be doctor-because as much as you wish it, Eddie, being a psychologist is NOT the same…"
And so my speech begins. I have so much to say to those two. All those years in high school and college, our years apart: I speak about it all. They are my support system, my family, my everything... but God, is it difficult to concentrate with that man sitting beside me. I am really trying to focus so that I don't mess up and say something about the lovely smell that is Old Spice.
"You guys became everything to me and you deserve each other! I seriously had a longer speech prepared but, as you can see... the water works have started and the last thing I need is for Ben Cheney to see my boogers. So salute and cheers and have amazing little babies that'll call me auntie..."
As I sat down to a nice round of applause and a teary smile from the bride and groom, I took my tiny purse mirror out and realized that I was all sticky and red and disgusting.
"I think it's safe to say that your boogers are not showing, so that means I have free reign to look at you."
I am in shock, I wasn't aware that I'd said those words out loud. Great pickup line Angela. Superb timing, form, and execution. You truly are a heck of a single lady.
"Shit! I'm sorry. I meant to say that it would be horrible for everyone if I started showing bodily fluids. No, I didn't mean it like that I was just trying to..."
But right then his hand decides to rest on my thigh, my very exposed thigh.
"It's alright to say things on a whim, you know? I, for one, would like to state that Angela Webber is by far the funniest and most interesting person I've ever met. And I'd like to get to know her a little better, if her lack of exposed bodily fluids permits it."
"Smooth Mr. Old Spice," I manage to say, "real smooth with the touching of the upper leg and all. Well I have to say that Mr. Ben Cheney should start telling women to look at their man and then back to him."
"You really know your Old Spice, don't ya?"
"Yeah, it comes in handy when really sexy dudes start talking about getting to know me better."
Every time Ben says something, his hand travelles a little bit up my leg, so basically he is now precariously close to my Promised Land, but I was (am? were? Whatever...) a lady so I move away from the fingers of glory to try and pay attention to the other toasts.
Except that...I'm totally horny now. Awesome job, Ang. You're no better than Fucks-a-lot-Whitlock over there.
Jessica starts with her politically incorrect toast while I start pondering how to solve my pooling problem. If his hands could do this without actual contact with the path to heaven, I can only imagine how amazing driving stick with this model would feel like.
"I'll be right back" I whisper to Ben. I had decide to make a run for the ladies room and see if I can at least throw these panties away; going commando is always more comfy than the sticky fabric.
As I make my way through the room I start wondering if this is really a good idea. Me going commando, plus hot as hell guy, plus a few drinks… I will probably make a spectacle of myself. I haven't had sex since Jasper... actually I've only had sex with Jasper and I really am not ready for this. Yeah, I'm a 26 year old almost-virgin, so what? We did it a couple of times but it was not what they make it out to be in those trashy supermarket novels.
"Are you running away from me?"
Shit! I've finally gotten to the bathroom hallway and here comes Ben looking all ashamed and pretty. Why on earth would he think I'd run away from him? If my calculations are correct he is the Holy Grail of the male species. People crusade for those, they don't runaway from them.
"I'm not! Really! It's just... I'm kinda uncomfortable in this outfit and I wanted to see if I could do something about it."
He then meets my eyes and gives me a smile I had only seen given to other women, other prettier, thinner women. That was the fantastic panty-dropping-smile and mine were about to combust.
"And what part of your outfit is bothering you exactly? That blouse hugs you perfectly and...I think my hands already showed you my appreciation for the skirt."
Shit, more pooling in the panty area.
"Well...I...Umm."
"Maybe I could help you remove whatever part is affecting you so."
Holy mother of the bejesus spontaneous orgasm.
"I... well... you see I think my panties..."
"I can work with that."
And then he crashes his lips against mine. This delicious man from somewhere in the South has his tongue down my throat, and he is pushing me into the bathroom. The last time I was in this situation, it was beyond humiliating. My one and only fling in college was a drunk frat boy who thought his tongue was a tonsil-checker. But this is different... this is... oh my! I think his hand is pulling my skirt up...
Yep, definite skirt removing going on down there. God his hands are...hmmm... What was I saying?
We continue kissing, touching, nibbling. I think at some point I made a few animal-like noises, until he has his hands on my panty covered pussy. "Sooo Miss Webber, is this garment causing you to runaway from me?"
"Yes," I whimper. "I think they're afraid of you."
"Well, love. Let's take a look."
And before I realize what's happening, Ben is kneeling in front of me, his mouth inches away from...
"No, I don't think they fear me per se. I think they fear not letting me into that beautiful pussy of yours."
There are no more words. My brain is as messy as my panties.
Ben gives me a tiny bite on the side of my hip and starts removing the problematic garment with his mouth. It is like nothing I've ever felt before. He's everywhere, Old Spice and all. I'm already seeing stars before he places his mouth on my Promised Land which is TOTALLY grateful for the action after so many years in hibernation.
"You are absolutely delicious; I can smell you and I haven't even started with the fun part yet."
His godlike mouth starts nibbling outside my lips and those stars I was seeing? They became constellations and galaxies and meteors the moment his tongue comes in contact with my clit. I'm sure I'm growling this time.
"I knew you would taste as good as you smell," he says, momentarily breaking contact with my skin.
"Please, don't stop."
I'm panting and now practically begging him to continue. He is amazing, I have never felt so much in my life. His tongue...it is like a vessel for my pleasure. None of those electronic gadgets I own come even close to bringing me to THIS edge.
But then, it goes to the next level. I feel his fingers start to part my lips, and while he works my clit with his mouth two of his fingers enter me deeply. No more stars, no more constellations, they all become super novas. I come harder than I ever have before. I scream his name, and he apparently still had a long way to go.
As I come down from my high, Ben starts kissing me. I notice happily that the taste of my arousal mixes perfectly with his delicious mouth.
"That was beautiful, love."
He keeps kissing me and whispering things like beautiful and lovely and incredible, but I only feel his fingers still inside of me. He starts moving them again the moment I let out a little groan, and I press my body closer to him.
"You're ready for more, I see! Well who am I to deny the lady her pleasure."
And just like that his fingers start working their magic again: pulling and pushing, circling and making me feel like a queen. I am so entranced by the feel of his fingers, that are quickly bringing me back to a delicious brink, that I don't hear the door open.
"What the hell is going on in here?"
Holy crap, it's Jasper. Of all the people to see me getting it on in a bathroom, it just has to be Jasper! I feel Ben go cold. He removes his fingers from inside of me and starts blocking my half naked form with his own.
"Well Jazz, what does it look like we're doing?" I snap, more annoyed than embarrassed now that Ben's fingers are no longer working their magic. After all he did to me, Jasper has no right to do this.
"Don't start with the Jazz thing Angela you know I hate it."
"Well Jazzy how else am I supposed to act when you come barging into an evidently occupied bathroom asking stupid questions like "What's going on?" Do you need a diorama? I was having a FUCKtastic time with Ben here until you ruined it."
Ben is still standing all protective in front of me, but the fucktastic comment wakes him up and he starts picking up my discarded clothes from the floor.
"Angela, I never thought I'd say this but... You look like a slut."
"Oh, really? Look who's talking Mr Slutty McSlu..."
I never do get to call Jasper out on his slutty ways as I wanted to. Ben's fist makes the point for both of us.
"You do not speak to women like that you son of a bitch! If you weren't Edward's cousin I would be skinning you alive right now! Ed told me about you. He told me you let one of the most amazing women he had ever met slip between your fingers because you thought she wasn't pretty enough to be yours. Well you bastard, now I get to be hers! It's not your call you fucker, the girl decides who she wants and I'll be proud to stand by her side."
I think I come again after that.
No one has ever said any of those things about me. Just watching the sex god defending me like a warrior and then glaring down at the sleazebag on the floor makes me remember just how well, he proved himself with his mouth and fingers a few seconds ago. And I seriously want him to be mine.
I grab Ben's arm and start pulling him towards the door while I stare at that idiot just sitting there on the floor, holding his freshly broken nose.
"Come on, Ben! It's not worth it. Clean up this mess before you go, ok Jazzy?"
I feel like I'm walking on clouds. We find a room and I get dressed while Ben looks the other way. He is trying to give me my privacy. It makes me like him even more.
"Do you really want to be mine?" I ask quietly.
"Well... I'm not exactly a purse you can own, but yeah! It would be an honor to, for starters, be your date at our best friend's wedding."
"Alright Old Spice, you deserve a nice normal date after that."
"Which "that" the orgasm or the punching?"
"Hmmm... for both... as long as I can look at you always, I'll be fine."
X*X*X*X*X*
AN: Well... first lemon and all... let's see how it goes...:D:D:D...
I want to thank my sisters and betas the amazing cabr and azotochtli... you guys are the best. americnxidiot, solchrystal and The Clone Babe for the prereads and incredible comments! And last but not least: philadelphic for the kind words and encouragement.