Title: The Ghost of You and Me
Series: Trek Pod
Sanction Sequel to: Look but See by Vampire Wine Vampire Wine also reviewed this story before I posted it.
This is a thank you gift for being my beta
Also inspired by the song: Ghost of You and Me by BBMac
lyric excerpt:
What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Pairings: Post slash Spock prime/Kirk prime, pre slash Jim/Spock
Rating: T
Warning: Grab tissues now
Everyone has ghosts they must deal with. Haunting memories of how they once were or what they wish they could have done differently. However, most people do not contend with their metaphorical ghost in the tangible form of an alternate version of the one who got away. Most individuals did not have regular conversations with the constant reminder of what could have been done differently.
He loved Jim Kirk even though he did not mean to. He didn't mean to fall in love with him, but his Jim Kirk could always pull off the seemingly impossible.
His Jim Kirk, the one with brown eyes who was not as insecure, has been gone from his life for decades. First he lost him to their mutual stupidity, then to the Nexus, and finely he lost him once and for all to death.
Decades later he still feels the pain of no longer having the most important person ever in his life with him. It feels like a part of him was still missing. It seems as if some part of Spock became lost the moment his Jim Kirk disappeared. For decades he has felt like a ship adrift in Space without a captain, his Captain.
He moved on, yet not really. The ghost of Jim Kirk stayed with him, making him regret all the things he wished he could have done differently. This is something Vulcans normally do not do, but humans do quite well.
He did not know how much that ghost affected him until he realized how easily he was willing to take on what was essentially a suicide mission. He almost wanted to believe that in death they could be together again, even if such a thought was completely illogical.
He was joined with Jim again, just not his Jim. Red matter and a black hole brought him back to Jim Kirk except this was not his love. This dimension's Jim with blue eyes was exactly the same as his Captain, but completely different. This Jim was unsure of himself even if he was much better at bravado then his Jim Kirk ever was. It seemed like this Jim was never loved by anybody. Even if it was highly unethical, he confirmed that fact when he showed him how everything occurred.
This Jim needed Spock's approval and to be told how good he could be. He needed love and affection. However, not the love of a lover, rather the love of a most trusted friend or family member. Even though this hurt Spock he could not refuse Jim anything, even if the individual in front of him was not his Jim Kirk.
When they spoke to each other through electronic means, it was easier to pretend. He knew that this Jim was not his Jim Kirk but sometimes he let himself believe that this Jim could love him as the other version did. Eventually the illusion would be shattered.
This Jim would say something about his Spock with a look of love and admiration that was completely absent when he spoke about him. It was the look his Jim Kirk gave him so long ago.
It became harder to pretend once he realized this Jim was falling in love with his Spock. With that, this dimensions version of Jim Kirk became his ultimate ghost, constantly reminding him of what was lost.
It was more than just Jim's presence but rather the fact that he loved his Spock in a way that maybe his Jim was never ready to. He wondered if this Jim realized it. Was this Jim aware that he subtly complain to him about hating his Spock's relationship with the Nyota of this dimension? Was this Jim aware of how happy he was when that relationship fell apart? Was he aware of just how often his conversations focused on Spock's younger counterpart?
On this day, the situation became worse. Before meeting this dimensions Jim for lunch he saw him and his younger counterpart engaged in a conversation up the street. They seem so close and not just in the physical sense. His heart ached as he saw his other self run a finger over Jim's hand in the form of a kiss that he was sure this Jim did not understand the significance of. It was like watching a scene from decades ago. It took all of his training as a Vulcan to suppress the pain he felt at that moment.
During the lunch, they laughed together, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep the mask in place and eventually he allowed it to slip. The young Jim told some funny story about something he and his Spock did. As this Jim smiled that smile of love and admiration for his Spock, he couldn't pretend any longer. This was not his Jim and he was not his Spock. This Jim will never see him the way his Jim did, just as he could never see this Jim as his Jim Kirk. Instead, he was doomed to be continuously haunted by the ghost of Jim Kirk and the relationship they once had.
He did not wish that this Jim would become his Jim Kirk; rather he wished that he could be in his twenties again and do things over. He wished he had a second chance so he would no longer be hunted by what he did not do.
He knew the regret that filled his eyes was obvious to this Jim. He looked very disappointed at that moment of realization as his laughter disappeared. Maybe he just realize that he could never be his Spock. It was of no consequence, because unlike himself this Jim had time to make sure his Spock did not become hunted by the ghost of a relationship that was all consuming yet never reached its true potential.
He envied his younger counterpart because he would never be hunted by the ghost of Jim Kirk. He will always be hunted by a person he never intended to love, but still did. He will be forever hunted by a love he can never let go of. A love that stole his heart, and never gave it back. Tonight he will sleep alone as he has for decades with the ghost of Jim Kirk as his only company.