Sort of a short follow-up to a story of mine called "The Birthday Boy Remains Unwilling" so unless you've read that Jet will probably seem very much out of character…
Early Morning Introspection
Jet woke up that morning just like morning before, with the feeling of a weight gently pushing down on his chest. He opened his eyes and blinked twice, finding himself staring up at the bedroom ceiling as the first rays of sunlight shone through a crack between the curtains. The feeling was getting all too familiar…
She had done it again.
Looking down at the head of brown hair resting on his chest just below his chin, the young drifter sighed. It was the second time that week Virginia had snuck into his bed after he had fallen asleep. And it was still only Wednesday.
The girl was still sleeping soundly, her hand loosely clutching the shirt he had made a habit of wearing to bed ever since she begun her nightly visits.
As usual he had no idea of how to handle the situation. As he hadn't gotten angry the first time it happened doing that now just seemed strange. Besides, he wasn't really angry or anything to begin with.
Anyway, that first time had been ruled an 'accident', in that it hadn't been a conscious move by either of them (although Jet still held some doubts about that). Rather, in the morning, when the two drifters found them selves both occupying Jet's bed Virginia had claimed having no recollection what so ever of where she had fallen asleep the night before due to extreme fatigue. Jet had hardly been convinced, given her apparent delight at the situation, although, to be honest, his own memories of the night before had also pretty much ended with him falling asleep the instant his head hit the pillow. In the end, surprisingly, he hadn't chided her, not even complained… which was probably why the second time happened.
The second time he woke up with Virginia asleep in his bed he had been so confused he'd been unable to do anything but lay completely still, feigning sleep, until she woke up. That time she had quietly returned to her own bed while he was still pretending and not mentioned it at all during the day. Jet had assumed she was still uncertain whether or not he would get angry and he had not brought it up himself.
After all, he did not like talking about these things.
The third time, however, she had actually woken him up (again, he had only been feigning sleep in order to escape the awkward situation). This had confused him to such a degree he had actually agreed that it was okay for her to sleep in his bed occasionally. If it made her happy.
How exactly that had happened he was still not entirely sure of. His memory of that particular, stressful morning was as badly fragmented as his speech had been at the time, stammering like a fool.
I was panicking! What was I supposed to have done? Jet told himself laying in bed, trying to make sense of his actions. 'If it makes you happy'… the white haired boy tried to shift his position slightly without waking the sleeping girl. …apparently it does.
Lately that seemed to be how things worked. Rather than figuring out his own feelings, and acting according to them, it seemed he often opted to please the girl instead. In a way that was much easier because he could find out about her desires simply by asking, while his own were so much harder to understand. After all, the only desires he had cultivated growing up were simple, material ones, relating mainly to Gella.
But perhaps it was alright that way. Even if Jet still wasn't quite sure of how to feel about their new closeness, if Virginia was happy then at least some good came out of it. And well, it wasn't really that bad…
Anyway, somewhere along the way 'occasionally' had become 'regularly' and now here they were.
Why she did it at all still remained somewhat of a mystery to the white haired drifter. He had never asked, but he guessed it had something to do with 'intimacy', a word Jet couldn't remember ever having used in a sentence before. And possibly 'love', a word that still frightened him to some degree.
The truth was he probably loved Virginia. Why else would he allow her to sleep next to him like this? Before they met he had hardly ever even touched another human being, let alone ever wanted to. That was one of the main reasons why the sudden change had him so confused and clueless.
Just because he might love her it didn't mean he was ready to actually act like it.
Whether or not she loved him back he tried not to think of as he did not yet feel knowledgeable enough to dare guess. She had told him that she liked him, though, more than anyone else even and that had to mean something. Well, it probably meant just that; that she liked him a lot, but if that was love, he did not know.
And then of course there was the fact he woke up nearly ever morning to find her sleeping curled up next to him. That was not something friends usually did… well, Jet thought so anyway.
Still staring up at the ceiling, he felt Virginia stir next to him. She didn't seem to wake up however. The boy sighed.
Intimacy wasn't a bad thing, he had finally come to understand this, but the fact remained that he had been a lone wolf for the larger part of his life. Coping with the sudden change was not easy. He sometimes even felt as if he was betraying himself somehow, although luckily, he was also aware of how meaningless and just plain stupid the notion was. It was simply his pride acting up and Jet was finally smart enough not to let such a thing rob him of the one person who accepted him and maybe even loved him for who he was.
He shook his head.
I'm totally going soft…
Needless to say he was suffering from a severe case of mixed feelings.
What if I'll never be comfortable like this? the boy worried, What if I'll always be this confused?
He sighed again. It was too early in the day for this kind of heavy thought.
Virginia stirred again and Jet instinctively closed his eyes. For a moment nothing happened and he began to believe she was still asleep. Then he heard her voice:
"I know you're awake" the girl claimed.
"I'm not" he replied, his eyes remaining closed.
She somehow saw through his lie.
"Good morning" she rested her chin on her hands folded on his chest, peering up at him.
"How come?" replied Jet dryly, mostly out of habit.
"Not a morning person are we?" Virginia teased in good humour.
"You should know" mumbled the white haired boy, staring up at the ceiling with a strange feeling of distance. This was followed by a short yet awkward silence.
"…What's that supposed to mean?" the girl then wondered, by now she was starting to sound uncertain.
"Don't know" he really didn't know what he was doing anymore.
Again they lay silent for a while.
"…Do you want me to leave?" Virginia finally asked carefully. Her voice sounded vulnerable somehow.
"You can stay" Jet scolded himself quietly. He lifted his head to look down at her maybe to apologize but when their eyes met he couldn't think of a proper way to do it.
"Is something wrong?" the brunette asked him.
"…I'm just tired" he lied as he didn't feel like talking about his problems. After all they were his problems.
Virginia did not look convinced. "Do I bother you…? I mean that I'm… here?" she turned her gaze down at her folded hands.
"…uh" Jet was uncertain of how to proceed. "I…uh, don't know if I would say it bothers me…" he truly was useless when it came to words.
"But you'd rather I didn't sleep here?"
He couldn't help but wonder if it was really fair of her to keep doing this, knowing how confused it must make him. Of course, it was hardly her fault he was such an idiot when it came to these things. Perhaps she had simply grown tired of waiting for him to get a clue?
Or perhaps she simply wasn't aware of how confused she made him? He had, after all, never actually told her.
On the whole his problems seemed to stem from the fact that they hadn't really talked about it yet. 'It' being their 'relationship', another word Jet still used with trepidation. Not talked seriously anyway. The white haired drifter accepted pretty much all of the blame for that one. After all, he was hardly known for his fondness of speech.
There were, of course, other reasons as well. During the days they were usually busy with missions and/or cursed with the presence of Gallows and Clive. While Virginia might not have minded, Jet refused to speak of such things in front of the two other male team members.
He realized the girl was still waiting for an answer.
"I…" Jet began by uttering one of the many letters of the alphabet, then paused, "Do I have to answer that?" he somehow doubted she would let him of the hook however.
"Yes" As expected the girl would not budge.
"And if I don't know?"
"You don't know if you want me here or not?"
"I told you it was ok once before, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but sometimes I wonder if you didn't say that just to please me…" It seemed Virginia was capable of seeing right through him with those blue eyes of hers, "If it makes you uncomfortable I don't want to be a bother…"
"You're not a bother" for once Jet was quick to answer, "Besides, if I felt like that the problem would lie with me, not you."
"Hmm…" This seemed to have Virginia thinking. However she did not look very convinced by his reasoning. Jet, while fearing whatever question she might come up with next, remained quiet, staring once again up at the ceiling.
It was fairly obvious all their problems originated from his incompetence, the white haired drifter returned once again to the familiar subject. Virginia must also have realized this, he figured, yet she had not voiced any complaints about it. Well, she still did complain daily about various other aspects of his personality but as far as he could remember she had never once blamed him for his constant, immobilizing indecisiveness when it came to matters of the heart. And she rarely ever expressed any impatience even when he could not follow as she was clearly ready to move on.
For how long would she wait patiently for him to catch up? The question bothered him. Clive and Gallows he could probably do without but the prospect of loosing Virginia was beginning to frighten him lately. Even reverting to his old, cold hearted persona might not be enough to save him then.
The very thought was enough to jog him into action, resulting in another thought:
I guess I should do something…
It was a small step, but at least one in the right direction. However with his confidence lower than the level of decency Gallows possessed after a few trips to the bar, he didn't quite feel up to the task.
Fortunately Jet was a man of many dislikes and wallowing in self-pity just so happened to be one of them. Yet, it was exactly what he was doing a lot of lately, moaning over problems not solving themselves. But what problems ever do?
He took a deep breath. And if he was ever betraying himself it was right now, cowering away from what troubled him. Rather than a deep thinker the old Jet had always been more of a rush and attack type of guy, not one to back down in the face of adversity as long as the reward was worth it. But then again, that was in the days before his problems involved women and relationships…
Nevertheless, he would persevere.
Talking about it, huh? He had managed some pretty uncharacteristic things before, pressured by his female teammate/recent bedfellow and on several of those occasions the result had actually been positive. Maybe that was just why they qualified as uncharacteristic…
This is a problem that can be fixed with something as everyday as a few words… it can't be so hard. The white haired boy reassured himself in order to gather the courage enough to proceed, I just need to talk, listen and understand… Indeed it didn't sound so very difficult.
He would start by reducing the number of questions that bothered him, the more tangible obstacles keeping him from relaxing in her presence. Having settled upon this he opened his mouth to speak before some other part of his mind vetoed the decision.
"Is this really…uh…" regardless of his resolve he still had to pause to find the right words (or least wrong, as it usually was with Jet), "Is this really normal?" in the end he couldn't help but feel pitiful having to ask such a ridiculous question.
"What do you mean?" Virginia urged him to clarify. As much as she sometimes wished, she could not read his mind.
"This." repeated Jet, "I mean us… this situation…" he avoided looking in her direction, staring instead into the wall on his one side, "Do friends... really, uh, sleep together like this?" he was well aware of the absurdity of asking this question now that they had already done so several times. But that was his own fault for not dealing with it earlier.
Now it was Virginias turn to feel embarrassed. It was a very blunt question, but she didn't quite know how to answer it.
"Friends-" she couldn't help but wonder over his choice of words, surely they had passed that stage already, "don't generally do it…I think" did he catch the drift now? Probably not. "It's just… I like being close to you…" she could feel the heat rising on her cheeks as she spoke. But surely she had told him that before, hadn't she? Was it really such a difficult thing to grasp? "And well, frankly you don't make it very easy during the day…" she tried not to sound accusing, "I don't want to force you into a situation you don't want… I mean, you're pretty shy among other people, right?"
Jet stared at her for a moment, repeating her words once more in his head. He decided to ignore the fact she had just called him shy.
"…So this isn't forcing me?" The question wasn't meant as any form of criticism, her reasoning simply confused him.
"I just asked you, didn't I? And you told me it was ok"
"I know… but, still… I get confused" Jet finally confessed, his eyes imploring her to understand the feelings he himself did not. "That's the problem" he spoke again, somehow relieved to admit it.
"I know you do" The girl spoke giving him a compassionate look, as if she fully understood his plight.
"I mean, I don't really know much about it but… isn't there supposed to be like an order of things? And wouldn't sleeping together in the same bed be one of the things you do later… as uh…things progress?" He wasn't at all sure, but it seemed like a very large step for a couple that hadn't even shared a kiss yet. Not to say they hadn't actually been close once, but that time due to some… disturbances it had been put off.
"I suppose…it's usually like that, yeah." Virginia rolled over to lie on her back next to him, mimicking him in staring up at the ceiling, "But really, it's not like we're actually doing anything…" she trailed off into silence.
This seemingly innocent statement caused Jet to blush fiercely, as he had heard of some of the things known to happen between a man and a woman when they get together in one bed. He had after all had the misfortune enough to spend a lot more time than anyone should have to around a certain Baskar tribesman. Yet he admitted that the fact he occasionally had thoughts of that nature involving Virginia should be one of relief, as it proved he wasn't simply just an emotionless android. That realization however did not make him any less uncomfortable at the moment.
"…I guess" he admitted quietly, unable to push the subject out of his head. He did not wish to think of it right now… but… if their relationship continued in this fashion would they eventually do… something? The question bothered him because it was accompanied with very conflicting emotions. Fear, shame, curiosity… want…
He closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to completely empty his mind.
"I know you don't like talking about these things…" Virginia continued, obviously not as affected by what she had hinted at just moments earlier, "But it's kind of hard to get rid of that confusion if we don't" Apparently she was thinking in the same lines as him.
"…my fault huh" again, he meant no criticism; he was not accusing her of placing the blame on him. After all it was a blame he had already accepted.
"What?" Virginia turned to lie on her side, facing him. Her hand found his and she grasped it gently.
"This abnormal relationship" Jet wondered briefly how many times he had actually said the word 'relationship' before, and how many of those times had been during the last couple of weeks.
Virginia donned a thoughtful look, "Who says it's abnormal? It's our relationship" she emphasized. Jet turned his head to watch her as she spoke, "It's what's normal for us. I mean we may never be like Clive and Catherine, but that's fine too, as long as we're happy together" She locked eyes with him, seeking affirmation. And to Jet the words did ring true…to some extent anyway. Truly, if they ever turned into a couple like Clive and Catherine, it would surely be on the very day pigs suddenly became airborne and Gella rained from the sky.
"I guess" he once again admitted, feeling slightly relieved. "Are you happy?"
Virginia responded by smiling brightly, "If I can stay like this then yes, very"
Jet gave it a little thought. It all suddenly seemed quite simple.
"…Then maybe I am too"
The brunette smiled even wider. Why anyone would dislike talking she couldn't for the life of her comprehend. After all it was always that which seemed to bring them closer together. Not to say to say there was anything wrong with simply acting upon ones thoughts from time to time…
Virginia once again lifted her upper body to rest on the chest of her white haired companion and all the while he unknowingly watched her she quickly closed the distance between their faces for a kiss.