She was gone.
Kikyo, I mean. Just...up and left.
Except, she wasn't coming back this time.
I'm not sad, or crying. No, my mind just seems...blank. The old hag, she called this Denial my ass.
Sitting here, at her grave, is apparently pissing them all off. I don't care. They can get pissed all they want. I'm not moving. I wasn't planning to move three day ago. So why the hell do they think time is going to change anything?
Because it's not.
Looking at her grave, a layer of dark dirt not yet tainted by the sun, with flowers all over the place. What is it with them? Did putting flowers over a dead body somehow make death prettier? If you put sparkles on a piece of shit, it's still gonna reek. And they say I'm in denial.
I hear thunder rumble in the distance. I can smell the scent of rain approaching. What was it that Kikyo did to...? She...yeah, she used to count in intervals. She said that the longer you count, the farther away the storm is. In miles.
1, 2, 3, 4... I begin, the ground I've been staring at for so long becoming blurry.
Thunder cries again, and I don't bother to look to see if there's any dark clouds rolling in.
Kikyo used to do that. Before she died. The first time, I mean.
I know I should be remembering her, the way she used to talk and walk and all that shit. And I do. I do remember how she used to feel in my arms, how she looked at me when she thought I wasn't watching.
The thing is, she didn't die like that.
No, she died with that bastard, Naraku. She died when she was already dead.
I didn't want her to die that way. I kept wanting to look at her the way I used to, when I counted on her to look at me the same way back. I counted on her to try.
But she didn't try.
You didn't try, damnit! My fist pounds the ground I've been observing intensely, so much that it leaves an indent. I feel nothing. You didn't try... I thought time could change her, that gradually, she'd pull free of Naraku. She could've. She really could've.
But she didn't.
She didn't.
Why?
Was it... all my fault?
I close my eyes tightly. I tried. I really did. But it wasn't enough. It was never enough. I can't even...I can't even...
Thunder growls as it rolls this way. I whisper,
1, 2, ...
It makes a replying noise.
Why'd she have to leave me? She didn't even...she didn't even want to stay. I reached out to her, told her she could leave. But she looked at me. The way she looked at me...And she refused. She wanted to die. Why? She didn't have to.
Two miles. Kagome says, she's sitting beside me, and I open my eyes to look at her. Kikyo...she must've...
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, WENCH!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU WEREN'T THERE KIKYO WOULD'VE WANTED TO LIVE!!! I roar. She doesn't move, only looks at me with that look...the look Kikyo used to give me...it only makes me madder. SHE SHOULDN'T OF DIED!! BUT YOU JUST HAD TO...Had to...DON'T YOU CARE?!? DON'T YOU CARE THAT SHE'S DEAD?! OF COURSE YOU DON'T, BECAUSE YOU WANTED HER DIE, YOU WANTED HER TO GIVE UP! YOU WANTED HER TO LEAVE ME SO YOU COULD HAVE ME ALL TO YOURSELF, DIDN'T YOU?!? YOU WANTED ME TO BE SAD AND MISERABLE BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T MAKE ME HAPPY ANYMORE!! YOU WANTED ME TO DIE WITH YOU, DIDN'T YOU, KIKYO?!?!
Silence.
It begins to rain, but somehow, only my face is wet.
I fall to my knees, not hearing anything Kagome might be saying. I don't look at her as she sits down with me. I feel her hand touch mine, and I squeeze it, hard.
Thunder rumbles, and Kagome begins to count as it sounds distant.
1, 2, 3, 4... Someone used to say this.
I can't remember who.
A/N: I hope you understood that. Thunder symbolizes the pain InuYasha feels. (closer, farther) My inspiration: my favorite short story: Atomic Blue Pieces .