Title: It's not me
Author: Mika Kashii Haine
Type: Song fic
Song: It's not me, by 3 Doors Down
Band: Miyavi (solo artist), Sadie
Pairing: Miyavi x Aki
Rating: NC 17
Genre: Angst
Chapters: 1/2
Warning: Cursing, abuse, rape
Disclaimer: Do not own anyone.
Summary: Not hearing, not caring, silence in his head.
Note: This is a piece I've been working on for about half a year. And finally I finished the first part of it. The pairing is awkward. But for this, it's the one I love the most. I don't really know what I myself think of this. But it is what it is. I hope you can understand what I want to convey. This is a song fic. I've taken apart the song and written for each part. Comments are loved!
Nevermind the face that you put on And nevermind the pain you've put me through
In front of me
He can put on whatever face he wants to. That look in his eyes won't change anyway. It will still be there. Don't mind what face you put on. He'll fear it anyway. Gentle and smiling. Narrowed eyes and pissed off. He won't trust it anymore.
This has been going on for such a long time. I doubt he will care anymore. Hitting him. Kicking. Fucking him sore. Yelling and screaming. Don't you bother with him. Cause he has had enough.
"You never loved me, did you?" Is what Miyavi always ask himself as he sits on the bathroom floor because he doesn't dare to go back to the bedroom after you smiled, sweet talked and lured him in.
Closing the door. Locking it. Pushing the tall, scrawny man shaking from fear, Miyavi, on the bed. Climbing on top of him. Crashing your fist with his beautiful bruised face. Before pressing your forceful lips into a bruising kiss. Touching him, everywhere. Rough hands stripping the crying person below himself. Not caring if his shrilling voice and cut of breath screams for Aki to stop. If anything, perhaps it only turned him on even more.
Aki ignored the screams. All he knew was they were two persons, two men, and both, obviously aroused. What else was there to mind? Cause every little thing you say
It makes me doubt all of this
Saying that Aki loves Miyavi. No one believes it. Not after seeing them. Seeing Aki's big hands and slender fingers wrapping themselves around that thin neck. Thumbs pressing softly. Barely noticeable at first. But then. Throwing his own weight on the weaker. Pushing him against the floor. Choking the sobs leaving the parted lips of this unfortunate lover. Not moving, because he knew it's no use. Knew it would just make it worse.
"The things you say and do, never make any sense anymore. You make me doubt it all.." Is all the choking Miyavi is able to think. Every time. Not hearing, not caring, silence in his head. Seeing Aki's narrowed eyes somewhere behind the black bangs. Filled with anger. Disgrace and pain with no end. Shouting. But those hurtful and beyond mean words, we cannot hear them anymore.
Makes him doubt all of this. What are you waiting for?
Arm reaching up to touch the abused jaw that Aki just hit. Tears welling up in the already swollen eyes. You'd think they were dried up by now.
"JUST KILL ME ALREADY!" Speaking up. Voice not shaky as the man who screamed those words. Tired of this. It seems to always be raining inside Miyavi's head. Abused for no reason. Eyes shut tightly. Fists clenched. Ignoring the throbbing pain in his jaw and cheek. All over this sore face.
Not seeing it coming. Gasping desperately for the air that Aki just knocked out with a fist in the others stomach. Arms automatically covering his belly as he got down to his knees. Another punch knocked him over on his back. Straddling the man writhing in pain on their floor. A rain of fists hitting the other man. Tears staining his face never seemed to stop falling.
"It's all your fault, you know! If you want to die that badly, fix it yourself!" Shouting, once again. Seems like that is all he did these days. Beating him and yelling at him. A fucking routine.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it. Please. Stop. I love you. I.. love you.. Aki?" Whispering sobs. Pleading. Hoping. Anything. For an end. Just stop it Aki. You're hurting him. Where is your head? Time to stop. Aki. Aki.. STOP IT! He is in pain. Do you think he loves you? Hell. Do you think this is love? Fuck off, bastard. Let him be. It's enough now. AKI!
Not hearing us. Miyavi's pleading is to no one but himself. My screaming doesn't reach his ear anymore. I think he lost it. Not able to get anything. Where did you wander off to, Aki? Are you really that far away? Who is this person? I look at him. And all I think is that it can't be anything more than a fake. A mask you've put on for reasons neither of us can understand. Do you understand it, Aki? Come back. There is nothing there for you. Come back and take control. Pick up yourself and break out. Don't let this go on. Hear me. I am screaming for you along with a crying man beneath your empty shell of a pissed off man. Stand on your feet and know there is someone who misses you and needs you. STEP THE FUCK UP, AKI! Please. Hear our screams. This tiny hope that soon will fade. And once it fades, it can't be brought back. Look what you did
Well, it's not me
No
There once was a time when he would happily smile. Laugh and joke around. Talk to you about everything and nothing really important. Be outside and hang out with friends. That was the Miyavi you met and fell for at first sight. Wasn't it his freedom and lively personality that you fell so deeply for?
Now he cries. Hides in the bathroom. And never goes out. His smile has faded. Drowned by the never stopping tears. Staring at the ground because he is too afraid to even glance at your handsome face.
Is this how you wanted him? Does this situation please you? It is not him anymore. You've killed and smashed to pieces and trampled on all his pathetic tries to put himself together. Try to bend the fact, but it won't change. It's not him. It's not...
Look what you did
Is this how you wanted it to be?
Each and every day is just the same. Doesn't seem to change. It is nothing like it used to be. It will never be what it used to be. Or ever change into what you wanted it to be. Is this how you wanted it to be?
Is it okay to scar him mentally? Is it okay to hit him and scream? At first it just pissed him off when you threw that first punch in his pretty face. But after a while, the hits came more often. And your languages more nasty. You simply freaked him out. He loves you for some twisted reasons. But he hates this place you're at now. This isn't how it should be. Living with you. In this place. Where you are. It's like Miyavi has fallen through the ice and can't find that hole to get back up again. So he desperately keeps himself up to the ice. Breathing. Between the ice and the water, there is air. Searching and searching. But the hole has disappeared. Maybe it has frozen, and now he's stuck. Not wanting to die. Breathing. Trying not to panic under there. Breathing.
Not wanting to be here. He wants to escape. This is not how it's supposed to be.