A/N: this is a sequel to "A Sound Like Angels Falling" and "Hold Me Together As I Fly Apart", and though they take place simultaneously, it is better for you to read those first (in that order, I believe, but it is entirely up to you). This has pretty much the same timeline as those, but this is from Logan's POV instead of Veronica's.
PICKING UP HER PIECES: NIGHT HAS FALLEN
90909
You always knew Veronica Mars had a breaking point. Even after she'd cut her hair and become the badass bitch who spewed insults and barbs to top your own, even after she'd learned to change her own damn tires because she didn't have any friends anymore (because you took them away), even after she turned you, the person she proposed to love, in to the police for fucking murder (and one that you didn't commit), you still knew that there had to be a point at which this all just became too much for her.
The irony is that you never ever dared to think it would be this and you definitely never ever thought you'd be the one to try to hold her together.
But the moment you hear her choked voice "He killed my father!", you knew that this was the moment. This was the exact second at which it just wasn't okay anymore, and never would be again.
You held her tightly, trying to keep her from thinking about the 'what-if' of her following Cassidy off the roof. When she tore away from you yelling about that computer chick, you almost fainted, thinking for a second that she really was going to jump. But she didn't, just ran down the steps and to the desk to demand the room number for the Casablancas boy.
You almost strangled the man at the desk who gave her a hard time. Apparently he was sick the day they covered "dealing with distraught girls and their angry boyfriends" in worthless job school. But you eventually convinced him that Mr. Casablancas wouldn't mind if their privacy was interrupted (it was probably the sight of his body splattered over the road that did it), and then there was a naked Mac and dealing with Mac's parents and the police and it's all really a blur in your mind.
You don't remember details until you arrive at Veronica's apartment, and you're pretty sure she doesn't either. Hazy memory of the night tells you that you're both lucky in this respect. Especially since a rookie deputy apparently had it in her mind to arrest Veronica for what happened to Cassidy, and was only stopped when Lamb quietly told her that if she tried to cuff anyone else tonight without his say-so, she'd be fired.
But arriving at the Mars apartment is a memory you could live without as well. If things had happened differently, you'd have invited her back to your house so she didn't have to deal with an empty apartment tonight. But now all you have to offer is your room at the Grande, and God, but that's not happening tonight.
She heads straight for her room, but as soon as she passes her father's door, she breaks down, sobbing on the floor. Before you even manage to gather your wits and go to her, she's dry-heaving, painfully, and all you can do is hold back her hair and rub her back soothingly. When she's finished, you run a towel under cool water and wipe her face and neck as you lead her to the couch and sit her down.
For the longest time, she says nothing, just sits there and stares ahead with dead eyes. Then, without warning, she turns to you, and crawls into your lap, burying her face in your chest. You don't hear her sobs, but your shirt is getting steadily wetter, and you still haven't figured out how to make this better at all. It tears you apart just to see her hurting so much, so you don't even want to think about how it must feel for her.
The next switch she makes is so sudden that you almost jump out of your skin. One second you're both sitting quietly on the couch, and the next she's screaming and pounding her little fists so hard against the arm of the sofa that you're afraid she'll break something – either the furniture or her own tiny hands. Then there is screaming and tearing pictures and pounding on the walls so hard that a giant picture falls down and nearly kills her. You're certain that if you hadn't managed to drag her out of the way in time, she would have been impaled on the broken glass.
But all you can do is hold her and tell her over and over again that you'll never leave her.
Something you almost regret an hour later when she's laying in the fetal position on her bed, shivering, eyes wide open. Not that you'd leave her like this, but you know you have a veritable pharmacy in your Xterra, both old scripts of your mom's and old scripts of yours and your fathers, and you're certain there's something in there that will help her sleep, but you're scared to leave and get them. You don't even consider trying to get her to come with you, and eventually, you brush her hair back and tell her that you're going to grab something from your car, and that you'll talk to her on the phone the whole time. This seems to comfort her, and though the conversation is rather one-sided and awkward, you'll never regret doing it.
You coax her into taking some valium, and she finally sleeps.
90909
By the next morning, she is numb and nearly unresponsive. This is probably why you don't tell her about your own father's death, for which you don't actually feel anything, and it's also the reason you end up helping Cliff and Alicia plan most of Keith's funeral. There is no body, and you won't let this wait and fester while the insurance investigates the claim, so you insist on paying for it yourself.
Your own father's funeral is something you tell his lawyers to plan and give them a ten thousand dollar limit. Spending more on the funeral of a man he tried to kill feels like a kind of absolution and smug revenge all at once, and it's the best you'd have felt in a while, if it weren't for the fact that you'd rather Veronica's father were still alive.
The funeral for Keith is beautiful and simple, and everything he would have wanted, if the man had ever thought of such things. If he'd been sixty years older. If…
You refuse to attend your father's funeral, telling the lawyers to tell the press that you're too distraught if it will make them feel better, but that they better not let anyone know where you are or why, unless they want to find themselves alone and penniless on the street somewhere in India. It works, or maybe it's just that you never told them where you were either, but in the end you don't really care. No reporters or crazed fans bother Veronica, and that's all that matters to you.
90909
Numb and unresponsive is how she exists for the next several days, until, one night, she settles herself on top of you, begging you to make her feel something, anything but the pain.
You make love to her that night, drawing her orgasms screaming from her raw throat, making each one last as long as possible, because you know this is the first time she's felt anything positive since before Duncan left.
That night, after the fifth time you make her come, when her body is covered in sweat and slick sweetness, she falls deeply asleep, and it is the first time she sleeps through the night since graduation.
After this though, she doesn't let you make love to her, doesn't let you go slow and worship her the way you know she deserves. And soon, she begs you to fuck her instead of tucking her in or making her dinner, and you grow more and more worried.
She's lost six pounds already, and it's only been a week since her father's death. In place of those six pounds, she's gained huge blue and purple bruises around her eyes.
There is nothing that can keep her from breaking, and it seems almost selfish to try, but you can't help it.
"Ronica, I want you to talk to somebody about this," you whisper into her hair one night, and you're still so close you can feel her fear as she tenses underneath you. She doesn't respond, but you know she knows what you mean. How could she not? She isn't sleeping, isn't eating, and barely talks. The most you hear her voice anymore is when you're pushing into her, and even then, it's not really words so much as grunts.
You give her a good two minutes to digest this information, but she still doesn't respond, and you feel the need to explain your reasoning to her. Despite the fact that you voice your concern that she's not eating or sleeping, and you're terrified she's going to kill herself, you know all she really hears is the part where you've already set up an appointment with a psychiatrist.
And the part about staying in a hospital. She definitely hears that, because her tiny emaciated body tenses up and her breaths come in ragged gasps. You know you have to calm her down, because when you talked to the doctor, she told you that you should do everything in your power to keep Veronica calm. The extreme weight loss added to stress could cause some heart problem you can't pronounce, but all you really needed to know was that Veronica could get hurt.
"Hey," you whisper gently to her, pressing your fingers under her chin to make her meet your eyes. Then you kiss her sweetly on the lips.
She jumps into the kiss with a fervor that almost scares you, and you try to slow her down, but as usual, she won't let you make love to her, she just wants you to fuck her as hard as possible.
Sometimes you worry that it's the pain she's grown addicted to, but then you too are caught up in the moment, and somehow this time is even more desperate than any before it.
That should have been your first hint that she won't be there when you wake up.
90909
When you wake up each morning, the very first thing you do is bury your nose in Veronica's hair and breathe deeply. Though she barely ever sleeps, chances are she's tired enough to drift off by the time you wake up in the morning, and this is when her sleep is at its most peaceful.
This is when you love to watch her, because she is beautiful when she sleeps. With your arms around her, her nightmares seem to leave her, at least for a little while, and you drink in her appearance. You want to remember her forever like that, eyes closed, mouth slightly parted, brow mercifully free of wrinkles. Even the rings around her eyes seem lighter in the early morning light.
But this morning, when you reach out to draw her closer, your hands hit empty space. Alarmed, your eyes spring open, to find Veronica –
Gone.
The very first thing you do this morning is panic.
90909
The second thing you do is call her, just in case she's decided to take Back-Up for a walk… for the first time in a week… without Back-Up.
Yeah right. But you have to try.
You leave her two messages before you finally decide that she's definitely not just on an innocent little stroll around town.
Then you call Wallace. And Mac. And Weevil. And Lamb. And then you go down to the sheriff's department. By this time, Alicia and Wallace are with you, and Weevil is on his way to meet you.
You're fully prepared to go to war with Lamb over opening a missing persons case, but he surprises you.
When you tell him that Veronica is gone, his eyes go wide, and he jumps up from his chair. Then, with a sigh, he sits back down. "I can't technically open a file for her."
Before you can argue, he storms out of the office, and calls Leo and Sachs to join you.
"As I was saying," he continues, sitting back down, "I can't officially open a file. But you two and myself will be taking a little vacation until she gets back…"
Sachs, who is apparently not as quick as he should be, queries "Why? Where are we going to be?"
Lamb rolls his eyes. "Wherever Veronica is."
90909
You set up an operation that would make the FBI jealous (Mac alone could do that) and it almost surprises you how quickly you actually figure out where she is.
40 hours.
That's how long it takes for someone to call in – a man who helps his sister run a Motel 6 off the highway somewhere in Texas. He tells Lamb that a girl who looks a lot like their Veronica is staying in one of the rooms. And she doesn't look good. Your heart jumps to your throat as you and Lamb race to your Xterra.
Please be okay.
This is the only thing you think the entire way there.
It's the only prayer you don't dare hope gets answered.
90909
"So, I know why I need to find Veronica… but – well, to be honest, I'm not sure why you're here. You hate her," you say, after a couple hours of silence.
Lamb looks at you.
"I don't hate her."
"Coulda fooled me. And her. And everyone else."
Lamb nods, and turns to look out of the window.
"I know. But I never hated her. I did things to protect her that she might never know about."
This piques your interest and annoys you all at once. You're glad he's helping you, because he can set up things that you can't, but that doesn't mean you've forgiven him for hurting Veronica so much. For ignoring her rape. For laughing at her.
"Like what?" You ask, and you don't quite manage to keep the steel out of your voice.
You hear a long sigh. "I know that I've been cruel to her, Logan, but there are things neither of you know about. There are men, very bad men, after her father, and they won't hesitate to hurt her if it means hurting him. Even now that he's dead, they'll go after her."
You suck in a breath, able to guess just who he means. "The Fitzpatricks."
Suddenly the day she went into the River Styx comes to mind. You thought you'd never be more thankful for a gun than you were that day, but you think now that everything's clearer, you're even more grateful than you were then.
Lamb doesn't answer you directly. "They had a mole. At least one, maybe more, within the force. I'm pretty sure they had someone working with the feds. My first day as sheriff, I got a message from them. If I ever did anything to help the Mars family, I was dead. And I knew that with me gone, and no one else knowing about what was going on, there wouldn't be anyone else to stand between them and Veronica. I know – God, I know I was an ass to her. I know you don't have any reason to believe me. But I did it to protect her. I hired someone to watch her, or, rather, to watch them and make sure they didn't hurt her."
You're confused for a second before everything falls into place.
The bug. It wasn't because she was investigating Lilly Kane's case. It was because Lamb had hired a bodyguard.
"Clarence Weidman… but then… fuck… he followed her, that night, to Barstow. What does her mother have to do with the Fitzpatricks?"
Lamb shakes his head. "Nothing. At the time, though, she was receiving suspicious pay-offs that I couldn't trace. Now I know they all came from Jake Kane, and I know that Clarence knew about all of them. But the bar Lianne frequented down in Barstow was also receiving pay-offs. From Liam. So Clarence followed her anyway, even knowing her mother didn't pose a threat.
This is a lot for you to take in.
The rest of the ride is silent.
90909
Then you are there, and the man tells you that Veronica checked out an hour ago, but hasn't left yet. You refuse to let yourself think too much on what this must say about her mental state.
And then there she is, and she's sitting, shivering on the bed, curled in on herself in a way that makes your stomach lurch. The tears falling from her eyes rip your heart out.
You don't like to think about what she's been doing without you there to take care of her. She wasn't doing that great even when you were responsible for her welfare, and now she looks even worse than she did the last time you saw her. You didn't even think that was possible.
The dark circles under her eyes have grown, and her eyes are glazed over, sliding in and out of focus. She doesn't seem to be able to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few seconds at a time. She doesn't seem to know where she is, or who you are, or why either of you are there. When you wrap your arm around her shoulders, you feel the sharp bones sticking out under her skin.
But to your relief, she leans in to you, resting her head against your chest. She doesn't respond when Lamb asks her when she last ate, only lets her thin arms snake around your torso to pull you tightly to her as she buries her face in your shirt, but somehow you know she's heard, and this is another relief.
After the owner of the motel and Lamb talk a bit, the sheriff motions for you to take Veronica out to the car, and you do, handing him your keys on the way out. You don't want to drive anymore. You just want to hold Veronica, so that's what you do. You hold her and stroke her hair and kiss her face, and whisper nonsensical things to her, just to reassure her that you're there.
She still hasn't spoken.
90909
Lamb pulls off the road into the parking lot of a little diner for lunch, and the two of you eat quickly, then spend the better part of an hour cajoling Veronica to eat some more. When she finally just shakes her head and then drops down to your lap, you and Lamb exchange a look. She's barely eaten anything, and this worries you. But she's clearly not in the mood for you to force anything more down her throat, so you just carry her back to the car and drive off.
Not five minutes later she finally decides to pipe up.
"I'm going to be sick," her tiny voice breaks through the quiet, and Lamb barely manages to pull over before Veronica flings the door wide and vomits until she's a heaving mess, curled in on herself on the side of the highway.
You hold her hair and rub her back, unsure what else you can do to help her. By the time she collapses into you, Lamb is there with a bottle of water, which he holds to her lips.
Once she seems to be falling asleep, you return to the car and are on your way.
In the car, you brush the silky hair back from her face, and you feel her flinch a little as you come near her eyes.
Not asleep. Of course. Never asleep.
90909
The motel where you stop for the night isn't nearly as fancy as the ones you'd insist on staying in under different circumstances. But these are not different circumstances, and the coffee is hot and the sheets are cool and the woman at the desk furrows her brow and calls Veronica 'sweetie' as she gets her another blanket without you having to ask.
The look on Veronica's face changes from dazed sorrow to something resembling fabricated obligatory gratitude, and it is the first real reaction you've seen from her since you found her again. You could kiss the woman, you are so happy (but you won't – the hurt look on Veronica's face would kill you, no matter how much you try to tell yourself that you'd do anything to get any kind of reaction out of her). Instead you make a mental note to leave the woman a huge tip.
You undress her and help her bathe, carefully not commenting on the flinch she tries to hide as she feels her clothes lifted off, or the way each individual rib is clearly visible under her papery skin. Then you dress her in a t-shirt and bundle her up in the blankets, spooning her close to your chest.
She relaxes into you, but you know she isn't sleeping. Sleep is something for those who have not yet realized the horrifying truths hidden within their nightmares.
It is a wonder any of you ever slept at all.
90909
You arrive back in Neptune, your precious little bundle tucked into your side, and receive a hero's welcome from all those who matter. The thought of this makes you want to crawl out of your skin, because part of you – the bigger part – acknowledges that its mostly your fault that she needed rescuing in the first place.
But no one, Veronica included, seems to blame you for it. Veronica seems to be far too broken to even know which way is up, though, so this is only a small comfort. Surrounded by her friends, the family she created for herself, she does not blossom, does not seem to regain any of the light lost from her eyes, and it makes your frozen heart burn with unshed tears and something like regret.
There are many ghosts in her eyes, and there have been ever since the day your father bashed Lilly's skull in with an ashtray, maybe even farther back than that. After Lilly's death and your betrayal and her mother's flight and her rape, she carried with her the ghost of the little girl she had to sacrifice to exist as she did then, and does now. You can almost remember watching her die. You can almost remember holding the smoking gun.
Now the most prominent ghost is that of something you cannot quite name, and it utterly terrifies you. It might be hope, and it definitely is not innocence – she lost that long ago, had the weight of the world thrust upon her tiny pink shoulders long before she ever had to watch her father become a burning ball of fire in the sky – and whatever it is, it is something that no human should ever have to live without.
You'd almost dared to hope, a week ago, that by rescuing her, you might resurrect her, that barely there wisp of a memory of the innocent and cotton-candy sweet Veronica, and you don't know why you ever let yourself believe that. You should have known better. The dead do not come back to life. Instead, you all carry your dead with you, within you. And sometimes, more often than you'd care to think about, they win.
This thought scares you most of all, and, as you watch her finally drift off to sleep hours after your homecoming, bundled up in one of her father's shirts and with you and her friends all cuddled together as one entity in her father's bed, you vow silently to always be there to protect her from these ghosts that would swallow her whole.
You can't keep her from breaking when she falls, but maybe you can be there to pick up the pieces. Maybe there will even be enough glue to stick them back together.
90909
End part 1
A/N note: Okay, okay, so I know some of you are thinking 'Lamb hired Clarence to watch Veronica? But he worked for Jake. That doesn't make sense.' But I promise I'll manage to tie it all together nicely in the end... not the end of this story, but I'm doing one from Lamb's POV last, and that will explain anything you have questions about and probably some things you didn't. Just work with me here.