Dean sat alone in his room. Kevin and Sam were in the library studying, while Dean sat in his bed, guilty at kowning, while he, Kevin and Sam we safe and warm, while Castiel was fighting for himself, alone. Cas was lost, cold and alone. He didn't know where to go, he didn't know why Dean had ordered him out. Was it because he was now useless to them without his powers? Was he just a burden now?
"Dean?" Sam asked, peering his head though the door way of Dean's room. "You're been in here all day. It's the holidays, Dean. We are supposed to spend them together." Dean scoffed at Sam's statement, 'yeah,' he though, 'together.' He just continued to stare ar the wall, ignoring Sam as he walked into the room. "Come out and watch a movie; we'll let you pick it," Sam offered in hopes of coaxing Dean of of his misery and his room.
It started to snow and Castiel was still sitting alone on a sidewalk. I suppose I better start walking he thought. Soon enough he was lost again, and he was pretty sure that he made a full circle. He saw the bunker. He sighed.
Dean was not in the kitchen, he refused Sam's request of a movie, but that didn't stop him from leaving his room to get another beer-his fifth on that day. Dean missed Cas, but he would never admit aloud, he didn't deserve too; he deserved to suffer alone, in silence. He was the one to kich Casout of the bunker when he needed his friends the most. Dean didn't deserve the kind of loyalty Castiel had alway bestowed upon him. The snow was building now, and there was no where else in sight. Dean surely would understand? Cas went to the window. Dean was just polishing of his fifth beer when Sam walked into the kitchen. "Really, Dean? That is like your sixth one and it's not even after 1." Sam said accusingly. "Fifth" Dean corrected, ignoring Sam's bitch face and walking straight to his bedroom. Dean laid on his bed. He rubbed a hand down his face and sighed, "I'm tired, Sammy. I just wanna get some sleep." He yelled out... If the nightmares will let me, he thought. Dean tried to drift away but he could hear noises outside his window. He went to go look and saw a struggling Cas trying to get the latch open.
"Hello Dean" he said, muffled and floundering. Dean's eyes went wide and he unlatched the window. He fumbled with it a moment and finally threw the window up.
"What the hell are you doing?" He whispered, like it was all a secret. He grabbed Cas, pulling him thru. Dean put a finger to his own lips, gesturing for Cas to keep silent.
"Dean I promise you I will leave tomorrow morning. But right now..I can't."
Dean shook his head, jaw clinched. "Don't worry about it right now, okay? Just keep quiet." He looked over at the door, closing the window. Dean grabbed a sheet and threw it to Cas. He then walked over to his door, locking. Dean rubbed a hand down his face and look to Cas, putting his hands on his hips. Relief spread through him.
"Thank you Dean. And I am sorry." Dean was frustrated with himself. His jaw was clinched and his brow furrowed. Dean swallowed hard and rubbed the hand down his face again. A drink sounded pretty damn good. He walked to the bed, reaching under and pulling out a bottle. Dean filled his glass on the table. He looked to Cas,
"Want one? It'll knock off the chill," he said quietly. Cas squinted. Clearly alcohol seemed to help Dean cope. Maybe it was a human thing.
"All right." Dean only had one glass and Cas needed a shot more than he did. He handed Cas the glass, waiting and watching him.
Cas took the shot and cringed. "It..burns"
Dean nodded, "You'll get used to it." He filled the glass again. Shot after shot, Cas's glare started to fade, and his cheeks started to redden. Dean took the glass, feeling like Cas had had enough. He poured the glass full and poured it into his mouth. Dean held the warm liquid there a moment before swallowing it down and giving an exaggerated sigh. He put the glass down and looked at Cas, "You okay, Cas?"
"Yes, Dean. And thank you so much for extending your hospitality to me for another night."
"Though I dont know why you ordered me out," he continued on before Dean had a chance to reply
Dean sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, "It's complicated Cas. I have to protect Sammy. I didn't want to, but... I made a choice. I'm sorry." He swallowed hard, his words weren't enough. They were harsh though he never meant them to be
"I understand. But if I were here I could help you protect your brother." Dean looked down. He shook his head slowly and poured another drink for himself.
"You've done enough. Go make a life for yourself, Cas. It's Not hard. Just... seems like it." Wow, that was a terrible lie, he thought. Dean rolled his eyes and downed his shot, swallowing at contact this time.
"Where do I start?" Cas whispered helplessly.
Dean's chest burned and he tried to blame it on the alcohol, "You just.. " he cleared his throat, hoping to get rid of the hoarseness in it. "You just... " he shook his head, "hell if I know Cas. I'm not doing a very bang up job, am I? I just know How to survive... Not live." Dean swallowed looking down again. He couldn't even help Cas in the simplest of ways.
Cas bowed his head. "Yes. We all strive for survival, don't we? Every day it is a battle."
Dean looked up at him, "I'm sorry, Cas. I mean it. You should have left me in hell... then you would be sitting on a cloud somewhere and none of this mess would have been made." He sighed, pouring another drink.
Cas looked up suddenly. "Dean..don't ever think that I would have not interfered with you in Hell. It doesn't matter what happens to me but I saw a soul work saving, so I gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition. I will never regret that." Dean stopped and looked at him, searching his eyes. He swallowed and sat the bottle down. Dean put a hand over the hand print, making sure all of this was real. He just nodded, Not knowing what to say. "And just know," Cas continued. "Even if I am not to stay here, you will be able to locate me, if you need my assistance"
Dean nodded again and kept rubbing the hand print. He finally spoke, "How?" He asked Not being able to look at him for fear of giving away emotions that he tried So hard to squash and hide.
Cas squinted. "I dont imagine I'll be too far." He suddenly had a realization. "Unless you need me to be"
Dean shook his head, "No, no... just Not here." He closed his eyes at the words. Dean opened his eyes and looked to Cas, "Listen to me Cas... you Not being able to stay here has nothing to do with... whatever you're thinking. And if I had it my way you'd be here." He shook his head, giving too much away. Dean clinched his jaw. "Dammit," he said face falling into his hands.
"Dean, you can tell me what's bothering you"
"No, Cas. I can't... this is one burden I plan to bare alone... for now," he drank his shot down and looked at Cas. "You can sleep in my bed. I'll crash on the floor."
"Dean I couldn't... You can have your bed."
Dean shook his head and put a hand up, gesturing, "Just do me a solid and take the damn bed. It's the best I got So don't deny me that." His jaw was clinched and he swallowed, wishing he could do more.
"Let's share Dean." Cas said softly.
Dean stopped breathing a moment. Did he hear that right? He cleared his throat, "Come again?" He asked, hand on the hand print again.
"You can share the bed with me." His eyes squinted "If you're all right with that." Dean stared at him a moment blinking. He swallowed and nodded, words failing him, but that was nothing new. Dean watched Cas sit down on his bed. Dean stayed on the bed and glanced at Cas beside him. He sighed, feeling stupid for thinking it was a big deal. Dean moved across the bed and laid down, facing Cas' way.. for now. Cas extended himself and blinked. "Good night Dean" he said uncertainly. Dean watched him a moment, almost Not hearing Cas. He took in a deep breath,
"Night, Cas." He folded his arms, gripping his biceps. The urge to wrap his arms around Cas' body strong. How much time passed, Cas wasn't sure. He stayed wide awake, trying to stir as little as possible in case he was disturbing Dean. Dean stayed there in the dark, looking at the back of Cas' head. He couldn't sleep, his body wired with Cas beside him. Dean took a chance and whispered in the dark, "Cas?"
"Yes Dean?"
Dean bit his lip. He was half hoping Cas was asleep. "Can... can you share the cover?" He asked, changing his story.
"Of course Dean," he said, immediately moving over. Dean hadn't expected Cas to move over. He had expected him to throw a corner to him. Dean didn't object and took the cover putting it around him. It was warm under the blanket. Dean hadn't felt anything quite so safe and secure in a while. He leaned into it, moving into Cas' back. Dean couldn't help his reaction, he starved for this line of security. Dean was even more surprised that Cas seemed to nestle back. "I'm sorry Dean, I know personal space bothers you, but it is cold outside"
"I broke your personal space first... and it is pretty cold... " he exhaled loudly and his arms wrapped around Cas' chest, moving further into him. Dean's head rested into the back of Cas' neck. He breathed down his back a little heavily and hoped Cas' wouldn't push him away. He clung to Cas a little too tightly, afraid he would disappear somehow. Cas returned Dean's actions with as much force. Dean might have been crazy but he could have sworn he heard a breath of pleasure Dean shivered a little. He tried to stop himself, but couldn't. His lips pressed to the back of Cas' neck a moment and then he rested his head back in Cas' neck. Dean almost whined it felt so nice and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep Cas. Dean clung tighter, thinking somehow he was strong enough to take on anyone or anything that tried to pry Castiel away from him. Cas let out a soft moan. Dean bit his lip as Cas' lips made the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard. He took in a sharp breath and brushed his lips over Cas' neck again, wanting to produce as many moans as possible from his beautiful lips.
"Dean" Cas whispered. Dean looked up, had he crossed a line, but Cas was smiling "Don't stop," he urgently whispered. Dean pressed his lips completely to Cas' neck. He felt his lips swell as he covered the skin on Cas' neck. He became brave and nipped at his skin, licking over the soft bites. Cas quickly turned to Dean, he wanted to reciprocate but was insecure that he wouldn't be as good. Instead, he kissed Dean's lips.
Dean parted his swelled lips on Cas', opening his mouth. He shared his breath with Cas and then, stuck his tongue in shyly. Dean found Cas' tongue and touched it gently, savoring the first taste. He moaned in his mouth and his tongue went back for more. Suddenly Cas's insecurities were gone, whatever he was doing - Dean liked it. Therefore, Cas thrusted his tongue in Dean's mouth and rolled over, on top of him.
Dean gasped in his mouth, Cas' excitement radiating out and into Dean. He devoured Cas' mouth, humming, eyes closed. His hands rubbed over Cas' back, trying to melt and pull their bodies into each other; for them to become one. His hips pressed up into Cas'. Dean was hazy and drunk off of Cas' actions. He kissed him urgently and sloppy, nipping, sucking, and biting at Cas' lips. Cas was letting out little gasps of excitement, taking note of Dean's actions, reciprocated by grinding his hips into Dean's
Dean's tongue withdrew from Cas' mouth as Cas thrust his his into him. He shared air with Cas, mouth still open and pressed to his. His hands slid down Cas' back and to his ass, where Dean kneeded it and then grabbed at it, pushing their hips together again. Dean moaned and plunged his tongue back in, hands worshiping Cas' ass. Cas' moan was the loudest one yet. Dean let his hands stray, reluctantly. He wanted Cas' shirt off, to feel his muscular, hot skin under his palms. Dean pushed Cas' shirt up and rubbed over his lower back, moaning at the contact of just his hands touching Cas' back. He pushed the shirt up further, touching and rubbing at whatever was available to him.
Cas shut his eyes. The sensation of having Dean's hot touch on him was enough for him to release breath onto Dean's neck, causing Dean to gasp. Cas helped Dean take his own shirt off, and then ushered Dean out of his shirt. Dean scrambled frantically out of his shirt. He quickly pulled Cas' bare chest against his own, arching his chest into Cas', loving the feel of skin on skin. Dean devoured Cas' mouth again, one hand rubbing over Cas' back, as the other slid down into the back of Cas' pants. He moaned in Cas' mouth, grabbing at Cas' bare ass, hand slipped through to complete nakedness.
They were both unclothed and the tension was unbearable. Cas was moaning and Dean was gasping for breath. Dean swallowed and brought a finger to his mouth. He reached down to Cas' ass, finding his hole. He slid his finger in, slowly, waiting for Cas' reaction. Cas let out a moan. "Deaaan.."
Dean gasped at Cas' moan. He watched Cas' face and began to move his finger in and out. He observed how Cas's mouth was a perfect 'O' and Dean could feel Cas's hips grind over his with pleasure. Dean breathed heavily. He longed to be inside of him. Dean added a finger and stretched Cas open slowly, separating his fingers. Cas moaned in ordered to let Dean know he wanted more
Dean got excited and reached down to his own member. He lined himself up and waited for Cas to move himself on, "Take it slow, baby... " he whispered against his lips. Cas moved as instructed until they fit together. They both let out moans.
Dean bit his lips. He gave Cas a moment and then began moving into him, moaning and grasping at Cas' back. Cas felt Dean scratching his back and let out grans of delight. Dean's head fell back and he moved faster. His hips doing erratic thrusts into Cas' ass. He moaned and wrapped a hand around Cas' member, pumping him, gently.
Cas let out moans getting louder and louder until he was finally able to release himself in Deans hand. Dean came deep inside of Cas and held himself in, shooting into Cas' prostate. Dean moaned and brought his hand up, licking it clean and humming at the taste. Dean pulled him down into a soft, gentle and loving kiss. He couldn't say the words he longed to say for fear of losing thing that he loved. Instead he took Cas' hand and put it over the hand print. "I'm yours... "
Cas was stunned. He couldn't believe that just happened. "I'm yours too. I love you." He kissed Dean. Dean hummed into the kiss, pouring all his love into it. He traced I love you on his back, still not letting his words curse Castiel. He pulled back and caressed his face, "Ditto." Meaning, I love you too.