A/N: Well hello there! This is not my first fan fiction, but it is my first Twilight fan fiction so I hope you enjoy it. I'm not sure if I want to continue with it because I have so many jumbled up ideas in my head for different stories so sometimes I drop off the deep end of my mind and disappear for awhile. So what I'm trying to say, in so many words, is if there is some response to this story I'll keep writing…although I have chapter two going so I might just do it anyway…haha enough of me……..

This story is MU for My Universe and nothing but the plot belongs to me. Characters belong to SM, I've just taken over as puppet master for awhile. It's all in Jasper's POV

"This is the first, now it's the last. Afraid of the dark. An empty heart. Where do we go after we're gone? Why is this hard? I know I'm wrong. I'm so lost. I'm barely here. I wish I could explain myself, but the words escape me. It's too late to save me. You're too late."

Chapter One: I'll be The One who'll Break My Heart

I had no idea this was going to be the night that I relapsed. I laugh now thinking about my use of the word relapse, like I was some addict. I suppose in my family I would be the outcast, the addict. They all had gotten over this particular drug and didn't need it anymore; however, I constantly craved it. The thirst was always over powering and it was just so simple to snatch a human that was wandering on their own and satiate the hunger deep inside of me. If it weren't for her, Alice, I would have never put up with the emptiness left inside me after feeding from a disgusting animal. She was the love of my life and over the many years I grew fond of my family. There was no other place I would rather be. Even though many years have passed since the death of Alice, that fateful day still haunts me. It was my fault, all my fault….

It was one of those rare evenings in Forks, Washington where clouds didn't consume the sky. The sun was slowly setting filling the sky with an array of oranges and pinks. The Cullen house was fairly quiet from the outside. Everyone was doing their own things except for Edward who was on his honeymoon with Bella. I was anxiously pacing the room Alice and I shared because Edward would return with Bella tomorrow and she would be living with us. Alice was trying to calm me down.

"Alice will you please let me be? Stop comforting me all the damn time, I don't deserve it," I said quietly letting my frustration out in my words.

"I'm just trying to let you know it will be ok Jasper. I know you won't hurt her. You're a good guy," Alice repeated the same mantra every time I screwed something up.

"Will you just stop it with that? I'm not like everyone and you know that. This diet is rough for me. Every time Bella is around all of us….it's just rough. I'm use to it at school, but to come home and not be able to relax…," I let out an exasperated sigh.

"I know Jas, but everything will be fine. Trust me," she said rubbing my back trying to soothe me.

I pushed her away from me, "I'm going for a walk."

With that I ran out of the house. Alice and I have been having troubles ever since Bella walked into Edward's life. I never could be around her too long because the smell of her was just too overwhelming. Alice kept pushing me to try and I was never known for my patience. I spent less time with Alice because she always wanted to be around Bella and Edward, or she was always talking about Bella. It just set me off. I already spent enough time worrying about humans. I was always on edge.

I ran around the woods for a long time. I had no direction and I was just whizzing back and forth over the same areas. It frustrated me that I couldn't really run free due to this stupid treaty with those mongrels. I wasn't paying too much attention to where I was going when I heard a female voice cry out for help.

"Help! Help me please! Is anyone out there?" cried the fearful human.

I ran over to where she was and slowed down to a normal human pace as I drew near. She was sitting on the moss covered ground holding on to a broken right leg.

"Oh, thank God! Can you please help me sir? My leg is broken and I don't have my phone to call for help. Could you please let someone know I'm out here," she cried.

I looked down at her leg. It was bleeding profusely and I knew she must have damaged a major artery. There was blood everywhere; she would be dead by the time someone got here. I took a deep breath and let the scent envelop me. My mind started to work fast taking in the scene and listening for any other sounds but the two of us. It was just us, alone together. I settled on the benefits of this situation and decided to take full advantage. No one would have to know.

"Sir? Do you have a phone?" she asked slightly confused at my noticeable hesitation.

I smiled sweetly and sent a wave of calm over her body as I crouched down to reach her. I put my hand on the side of her face, smiling sweetly as I said, "Don't worry darling, it will all be over soon."

She looked at me with fearful eyes, but leaned into my touch. They always did. She didn't speak as I leaned into her neck and bit down. I relished in the feeling that came over me as her sweet warm blood touched the back of my throat. I wouldn't stop, I couldn't stop.

"JASPER NO!" I heard Alice scream. I didn't even look up. I couldn't I was entranced with feeding my hunger, "OH MY GOD JASPER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

I snapped out of my feeding and lowered the lifeless body onto the ground. I stood up and tried to wrap my arms around Alice.

She pushed me away and whispered, "What have you done? This is the end of us Jasper…how could you?"

I was confused by the defeated posture of Alice, "I'm sorry Alice. I told you, I just can't help my self."

Alice looked at me and her fists were flying pounding me on the chest. Her body shook and I knew if she could she would be crying. I didn't fully understand what she meant until I turned around and heard a low growl.

Alice stiffened up and was already in fighting stance. "Go Jasper! Get Carlisle! Hurry! I'll hold them off."

My eyes widened and shook my head angrily, "No! I will not leave you alone. You go get Carlisle and I will fight. I have more experience than you!"

"NO!" She shouted, "You will die. I've seen it now go!"

I stood my ground and prepared myself for the wolves attack, but Alice pushed me away, "Go! I'll be fine! Trust me, now go!"

I reluctantly turned away and thought I heard her whisper I love you as I ran towards the house. I worried about Alice, but she did have her ability to know what would happen. I had to trust in her. I burst into the house and shouted for everyone's help. As quick as lightening we were all headed back towards Alice.. When we returned from the spot I had left her, three men were throwing pieces of Alice into a fire. I snarled at the men causing them to turn around and take their stance.

Carlisle spoke, "Emmett, hold on to Jasper," as I was being restrained and trying to break from my bonds that were Emmett's arms. Carlisle walked towards the men in a submissive way, "we are not going to attack. Please calm down."

"Calm down? You want us to calm down? You bloodsuckers broke the treaty. You harmed a human being. But we got one of you leeches and we're going to get the rest of you," one of the wolves said as he began to shake.

I continued my snarling as Carlisle tried to reason with them, "Look, we broke the treaty and we are leaving. There is no need for us to fight."

The same wolf laughed and shook his head, "You think we would just let you leave with out a fight?"

"Quiet Paul," said another wolf who was clearly the leader. Sam I think his name is, "You have until sunrise. You are not welcome back here and any one that steps foot in this area will be killed." With that he turned around and disappeared into the forest followed but the other two wolves.

All I saw was red. I kept envisioning me ripping apart those wolves. My sweet Alice, my world. I was carried all the way back to the house. I stood in the center of the living room fuming. Everyone could feel the anger radiating off my body.

It was Carlisle who broke the silence, "Jasper, it will be ok son. We have to go," he said softly rubbing my back.

I relaxed and I couldn't hold myself up anymore. I fell to the ground on my knees shaking. Nothing made me long to be human more than this moment. I wanted to cry for my darling Alice, for everything I lost, for everything I did.

"All my fault….this is all my fault…." I whispered over and over again.

I have never longed for humanity like I do now. How easy it would be to hurl myself off of something or into something and it would all be over. Everyone kept a close eye on me when I wasn't in my room. I walked around like a zombie doing mundane tasks. I went back to the diet and stuck to it over the years, never wanting to taste human blood after that night. I wanted to leave, but Carlisle and Esme didn't want to lose another family member. I knew I couldn't do that to them. It was already my fault Alice was gone. It was terrible living in this house with all the couples; I finally knew how Edward felt all those years, but now he had Bella.

I was vaguely aware of Bella's transformation. I knew it had to be done. We had to leave and she had to come with us since they were married. Eventually Edward gave in and changed her. There was a celebration, but I barley registered it. I hardly interacted with anyone knowing I was to blame for all of this. They often sent me away because of the depressing mood I radiated out to everyone else. Of course they didn't want me around; hell, I could depress the devil and they had so much to be happy for. Everybody went off to school while I opted to stay home with Esme. I was known as the older brother going to college. It was the perfect excuse for me not to have to leave the house and when I did go out I was home visiting.

I always would receive concerned sideways glances from everyone when they thought I wasn't looking. Edward was always looking in my direction; I never tried to hide my thoughts from him. I didn't see the point and he probably was waiting for signs that I lost my mind…if vampires can go insane. I might be the first. All I could think about was Alice, what she would be doing now, what she would be saying. I always imagined her near me. I was the sole provider for my pain and the only recipient. I would punish myself for all of eternity…what else was I to do?

A century came and went, nothing had changed. We would move to a new town, pretend to be what we weren't for a certain amount of time, go into hiding and do it all over again. I followed along not really caring. It was all so very mundane and what was a 100 years to me. It was another moving day.

I heard a soft knock on the door and Esme's voice, "Jasper? Can I come in?"

"Yes Ma'am," I called as I set my book down on the end table.

Esme sat down in the chair on my side and took my hands in her own, "Jasper sweetie, we are leaving again."

I felt the nervousness roll off of her and I said slowly, "It is about that time again ain't it…."

She sighed, "It pains me to see you like this. For a century now you have been shutting yourself out from the world. You stay in your room all the time. You hardly speak to any of us anymore."

"What would you have me do? There ain't nothing else for me now, except to wait until my existence ceases to be," I said quietly in a defeated tone.

She kissed my hands, "We do not blame you. No one could possibly think to blame you for this. It was a mistake."

"A mistake I will carry with me until the end of my days," I returned.

"Enough Jasper! You are a part of this family and I will not watch you waste away like this," she exclaimed in a stern tone. I knew she meant business when she used her mom voice. She sighed and cupped my cheek, "I love you son. We all do. I need you to try. We are moving back to Forks." She saw the shock register on my face and she stood, "Just try. That is all I ask. We are enrolling you at Fork's High School. This is not negotiable if you continue to want to be in this family. I hope you choose to stay Jasper because we all love you, but we can not bear to see you like this. It will never be the same without Alice in our lives, but you can not honestly think she would want you to spend your time like this."

She strolled out of the room and closed the door behind her a little harder than necessary. I sighed as I thought about what Esme had said. I knew she was right; Alice wouldn't want me to be like this. I didn't mean to hurt the family more than I already had, but what was I to do? I played with the watch Alice had given me for my "birthday." I missed her everyday. I felt so lost without her. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I knew I would try.

It was Labor Day weekend when we moved back into our old house. Everyone rushed in, enjoying the comfort of their favorite home. I approached the house with great trepidation and made it to the steps that led into the house. The angst was rolling off me in waves. I dropped to my knees and put my head in my hands, a position I was all too comfortable in. I felt like I was re-living the worst night of my life as I felt arms wrap around my body and cradle me.

"Jasper?" Bella whispered rocking me back and forth.

I could feel the strength coming off of her trying to resist the emotions I was sending out. It made me angry at myself, "Just go Bella. I don't want to be a burden to you."

She continued to the rocking and said, "Oh Jasper, you could never be a burden. I know we don't know each other too well, but I want to help you through this. Alice was my best friend and I can't watch you do this anymore. No one blames you. We all just want to help."

"I think I'm beyond help," I moaned.

"No one is beyond help Jasper Hale. Now let's go inside," Bella said with so much conviction that I couldn't help but reluctantly follow her inside.

A/N: Well there you go! I know Jasper is all angst-y right now, but I figured he'd be that depressed considering the life he had before Alice came along. Never fear! With Bella by his side we're sure to see the charming Jasper appear. Oh, I also wanted Jasper to have a more southern speech so if you're annoyed by the non word "ain't" like I am…well that's why ha.…anyhoo I guess that's all I have to say…which is surprising… Oh please review and give me some feedback good or bad, criticism makes my world go round. Also...The quote from the beginning are song lyrics from Blink 182 "Stockholm Syndrome" and the title of the chapter are lyrics from Feist "Feel it All" Ok now I'm done.