Swimming Under Water Chapter 1
"So, Lord Harrington- well he was as tight as a tick, truth be told- put his left foot in the stirrup and got in the saddle the wrong way round entirely, nudging his poor horse in the neck with his knee. The grooms were all shouting and trying to pull him back down off the horse. The poor creature took off for the hills with Lord Harrington gripping the saddle and yelling 'Tally Ho!' Lord Gillingham had to send our best horse trainer out after him." Mr. Green finished his tale with a twinkle in his eye, and he looked around the table, enjoying the merriment of the servants that were gathered for supper.
Anna dabbed at her eyes with her napkin, almost breathless with laughter. "Oh my- Mr. Green, you certainly make us laugh with your stories. You should write them up and send them to a newspaper as a column. You could call it 'A Valet's Adventure' or 'Beware of Drink at Lord Gillingham's Hunt?'"
"Oh yes. That would be quite fun." Green agreed, picking up his fork to finish what was left of his beef stew. "I think I would have to change Lord Gillingham's name as well as the names of his acquaintances though or he would rather have a fit." Green had been telling stories to amuse those gathered at the table, as he had done every night for the past week and a half. He carefully turned his head to the left and smiled at Thomas- tapping his index finger on his lips- to see if he liked the story as well.
"Very clever." Thomas said, smiling warmly; but he did not let his gaze linger on Green's face. He turned his attention back to his meal, and caught a glimpse of Jimmy's expression- Jimmy had fixed Green with a glare full of loathing. Thomas could feel his disapproval from across the wide, dark table, and it made him uneasy. For what reason could Jimmy dislike Nigel so very much? Thomas kept his gaze fixed on his own plate and avoided looking at Jimmy again.
In the eight months since The Fair- which had been both a disaster and a blessing- Thomas and Jimmy had settled into an easy rhythm of friendship. They made it a habit to meet in the servant's hall after dinner and play cards or pretend to read the newspaper, all the while making snarky comments about the day's events and smirking at each other's wit. They spent most of their time free time together as well. Given his position as under-butler, Thomas could line up their half days off occasionally and they would go to Ripon for mundane errands and dinner in The Grantham Arms.
Last night after dinner was served, Jimmy stopped Thomas in hallway and told him how Mr. Foster, a friend of Mr. Gregson's, had tried to engage Lady Mary in a conversation at dinner. He had failed obviously- to the notice of the whole dinner party- and his embarrassment had made his hands shake so badly that he kept dropping the serving spoon while trying to take the dill salmon off of Jimmy's tray. Thomas then related how the newspaper office had to send a new delivery boy every day for the past week because Carson had been livid if the paper delivery was delayed even by a minute or two.
They both muttered under their breath about Mr. Carson when they could get away with it, but mainly avoided discussing Lady Mary if they could help it- as thinking about her and her grief made them both uneasy.
Thomas knew he had wanted to be Jimmy's friend- and he basked in the easy warmth of Jimmy's smile while sharing a laugh at the end of the day- and in saying "Good Morning" without malice at breakfast. But what Thomas had not taken into account, however, was that it would be difficult for him to be Jimmy's friend. He had not counted the ache in his chest when Jimmy's eyes focused on the wall behind Thomas's head instead of his face. Or when Jimmy did look him in the eyes, sometimes he stared just a moment too long- with an expression on his face that Thomas could not understand. Thomas was always aware when Jimmy sat next to him or stopped to chat in the hall that he wanted to touch Jimmy so badly his fingers ached- and he would flex his hands behind his back to release the strain. Thomas felt guilty for feeling this way and tried time and again to discount and discourage his own feelings, but they were always there, shimmering just below the surface of his thoughts. He tried to tamp them down, to drown them with ridicule from his mind but always they came bubbling back up to the surface, stronger for having fought against his attempted repression. And so he sighed and persevered and lived with the thoughts and feelings warring in his mind, all the while careful to give Jimmy an arm's length to pass in the hallway, careful to slide cards across the table to him lest his fingers brush against Jimmy's fingers in the transfer.
On the more rare occasions when Thomas would read and Jimmy would play the piano after everyone else had gone to bed, Thomas would allow himself to look up at Jimmy just as long as it took to recite a few lines of poetry in his mind. He walks in beauty like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in his aspect and his eye…or sometimes A knell to mine ear; A shudder comes o'er me Why wert thou so dear? They know not I knew thee, Who knew thee too well: Long, long shall I rue thee- Too deeply to tell. He would shiver then and force his eyes back down to the pages in front of him, while his mind traced the image of Jimmy, eyes closed and lost in the music he made, over and over.
While Thomas and Jimmy figured out their friendship, life at Downton Abbey had gradually settled into a more even, but sad, ebb and flow again after Matthew Crawley's tragic death. It was spring; and the trees were softly blooming and the gardens were colored in a soft haze. Lord and Lady Grantham decided to throw the largest house party that Downton Abbey had seen in years. Lord Grantham thought it would be a smashing success and was convinced it would pull Mary out of her doldrums for good. Lady Cora had tilted her head at him and smiled her tight smile.
Lord Grantham took this gesture as an enthusiastic affirmative and invited extended family, old friends and friends of friends that he hoped would be lively diversions. The parade of guests had begun two weeks prior and had all the servants in the house busy from before dawn til the wee hours of the morning. Thomas especially seemed to have extra duties- Carson had him taking care of the visiting staff's concerns as well some of Carson's own usual duties for the after dinner drinks.
Thomas enjoyed his prestigious position- and rubbing elbows with the visiting nobility- but not as much as he might have in his younger days. It did make him feel just a bit empty inside when vivacious guests would lift drinks off his tray- treating him as if he were invisible, as if the tray glided along mid-air on its own volition, guided by magic.
Thomas also felt a twinge of sadness as he watched Lady Mary stare vacantly out of the windows while handsome men tried to engage her attention, or when a friend tried to speak soothing words to her. It was as if she were fading, as if her hand might disappear right through the drink she took from the tray.
Mr. Carson had forbade the staff from discussing Lady Mary's malaise, especially with guests and visitors who were now seemingly in all the rooms of the house at any given time. The only time that they were allowed to mention anything about Lady Mary at all was to devise ways to cover up and divert attention from her sleepwalking, or her spells during mealtimes- or her ramblings about almost any small issue. It had worked so far, to some extent; Lord Gillingham and the other guests were not fully aware of Lady Mary's state.
Thomas wondered occasionally if he should tell Green about Lady Mary's troubles so that Green could relate the information back to Lord Gillingham, but then Lord Gillingham might decide to pack it in and leave, taking Green with him. He found that the thought did not sit well with him at the moment- to say nothing of the fact that he felt a pang of sympathy when he saw evidence confirming that Lady Mary was now a shadow of her former self. He tried to dismiss those sad thoughts as a moment of weakness, tired as he was from all the extra work.
It did seem as though special hopes had been pinned on Lord Anthony Gillingham in particular. He and Lady Mary had grown up together and had once been close. And yet, all the guests that were meant to cheer Lady Mary only served to plummet her further into despair. So the party had broken up after several days; the guests and their staff departing with a sense of discomfort and unfulfilled goodwill. All except for Lord Gillingham, who had stayed in the hopes to rekindle his relationship with Lady Mary. He was biding his time - taking outings with Lady Edith and Lady Rose and Mr. Branson in turns. And so, as his valet, Green has stayed on as well.
Within hours of arriving at Downton, Green had charmed almost everyone he had come across. Upon introductions, Green kissed Mrs. Hughes's hand, complimented Mrs. Patmore's well-run kitchen and spoke highly of Lady Mary to Carson. His good looks alone were enough to endear him, and his manners were courteous and kind.
On that first day, Thomas had found Green wandering in the South Gallery, trying to find his way back to the servant's quarters. "Oh hello there good man. I am Nigel Green, Lord Gillingham's valet. I seem to have gotten myself quite lost. I am trying to find the servant's quarters so I can get to my room and settle my things, but every time I think I am close- I find myself hopelessly turned around again. 'In sight, then lost amidst the forestry' so to speak. Would you mind terribly showing me where my room is?"
Thomas started. "Ah- Not at all. Of course I don't mind. You know Lord Byron's Don Juan? "
"Yes, Yes. It is one of my favorites of his. It is a pleasure to make the acquaintance of a fellow admirer of Byron's work- I dare say."
Thomas smiled and inclined his head toward the valet. "I- I am Thomas Barrow and I am the under-butler here at Downton Abbey. I would be happy to show you to your room."
Thomas noticed that Green was about Jimmy's height but more solidly built than Jimmy, and he moved quite gracefully. He envied Green's effortlessly upper class manner of speaking and admired his lovely wide mouth- and he hoped that he had not been caught staring when he looked up into his eyes- but then he realized that Green had been staring at his mouth as well, unashamedly. Instead of blushing, Green gave Thomas a slow smile and had asked, ever so politely, if Thomas could spare some extra time to also show him the relevant rooms that he would need to know during his stay.
"Of course," said Thomas, "I will be happy to show you whatever you need to know during your stay here. Anything you need- you need just to ask."
"Ah! Many thanks to you. I knew you were a good man when I first saw you." Green gave Thomas his most charming smile.
Thomas's heartbeat began to pick up a little as he motioned for Green to accompany him. He thought Green's eyes were on him several times but when he chanced a look, Green just smiled to himself and turned his face away. It occurred to Thomas that Nigel Green was being fairly obvious.
They passed Bates as they were nearing the servants' corridor. "Oh my goodness- Nigel, Nigel Green? Is that you?" Bates exclaimed, grasping Green's hand while clapping him on the shoulder.
"Bates, my dear fellow, how are you? I heard about what happened to you in the war- terrible business. I was so sorry to hear the news, but you seem to be doing quite well. Can you believe it Bates, lowly hall boys together at Whitefield and now we both, oh and I heard Moseley too, are all valets? We have achieved our humble dreams." Green touched a finger to his chin and gave Bates a small smile.
"Yes, we have done well. We are the lucky ones. Those hall boy days seem so long ago. Have you heard that Haywood died in the War? He was stationed in France at the time, I believe. And have you kept in contact with Whitby? I know you two used to be close." Bates slid a glance over to Thomas with his last question.
Green winced slightly as he ran a hand over his forehead, looking down and then he looked back up at Bates. "I had heard about Haywood- his poor mother, looking after his sister on her own now. " After a pause, he continued, "I have not heard from Whitby since I left Whitehall but rumors have him as a butler in a small house in London."
Bates looked chagrined and said hurriedly, "Of course, how insensitive of me. If you will excuse me, I need to attend to His Lordship now, but I look forward to catching up with you properly while you are here.
Once Bates had left them in the corridor, Thomas found that he could not contain his interest on the subject. "Mr. Green, do tell us what was Bates like during his lowly hall boys days?" he asked.
Green smiled and shook his head. "Ah, but we must respect the glorious freedom to be foolish while young."
"Some men are free to stay foolish." Thomas retorted.
"Yes indeed Mr. Barrow, how right you are. Were you ever foolish? Have you stayed foolish? Would you like to be foolish again?" Green smiled pleasantly, but slowed his words as he spoke, and Thomas felt himself blush as he looked away.
Green chuckled. "I am only pulling your leg, Mr. Barrow. I doubt very much that you were ever foolish."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Thomas muttered as he ushered Mr. Green into a small room with good light in servants' corridor. "Here we are- this will be your room while you are with us."
Green looked around, taking into account the small cot, the curved dresser and the towel rack in the corner of the small space. "This will do quite nicely. Is your room off this hallway too, Mr. Barrow?" Green asked, with a perfectly bland expression on his face.
"Yes, ah- all the male servants have rooms in this corridor. My room is actually 3 doors down on this side." Thomas blushed, as the other man's smile grew. "It is reassuring to know you will be close in case I do get lost again or require your assistance in some matter."
"Yes, yes of course. Feel free to let me know if you need extra thread or –Well, whatever you require." Thomas's throat was so dry that he could only excuse himself with a nod and a smile.
For the first few days, there had been a couple of friendly card games between Jimmy, Thomas, and Green. Alfred would join them from time to time, but mainly he loitered in the kitchen with Daisy and Ivy, as if trying to keep Green away from Ivy. Sometimes Jimmy would play the piano and Green would accompany on popular songs- "Sheik of Araby" or "Good Morning." He had a quite a lovely, deep singing voice that acted as if the call of a siren, drawing the rest of the servants into the room.
When Ivy and Daisy discovered that Green used to work with both Moseley and Bates at Whitefield, that they were hall boys and then footmen together, they begged Green to tell stories of their exploits. He would resist at first, and then finally relent with stories about the benign mischief of youth, causing Moseley's consternation and Bates's amusement. Jimmy and Alfred also seemed to find these stories amusing, and listened to Green with rapt attention. Jimmy even gave Green the secrets behind a favorite card trick, and Alfred droned on about spices while Mr. Green nodded and smiled at him.
The extended visit had been quite fun, actually, before Jimmy had seemingly decided that he most definitely did not like Green. Whatever reasons Jimmy had for this change of heart, Thomas could not induce him to divulge them. As the days went on, Jimmy had begun to make more and more derisive comments about Green- and rude comments to Green directly.
Two nights ago, at the piano –after a rather difficult day, Jimmy asked Green in harsh tones "Would you mind actually singing the correct words to 'My Blue Heaven.' It is Twisting heartache into fine not Twisting heartache into fire- for pity's sake." Daisy and Ivy protested that Green always sang the words of every song perfectly. Alfred said to Ivy "That seems a rather small thing to nitpick about-Doesn't it?" Green looked puzzled and looked up at Thomas; Thomas just shook his head ruefully and wished Jimmy would give Green a fair shake.
On this night, after Green had entertained the hall with the story of Lord Harrington's mishap with the horse and dinner was over, Anna and Mr. Bates said their good byes and headed off to their cottage. One by one, the others headed up to bed. Eventually Thomas was left alone in the hall with Jimmy and Green. Thomas was reading the same article in the paper over and over, while Jimmy drummed his fingers on the table.
"Jimmy, would you be interested in playing a game of chess tonight instead of cards?" Green offered with a tentative smile.
Jimmy glanced up at Green, his mouth set in a firm line. "You are quite good at chess, aren't you Mr. Green?" Jimmy looked between Thomas and Green from across the table, his mouth set in grim line.
"Well yes, yes I am quite good at chess but –I am not sure what that has to do with- It is no matter, if you are not up to the challenge, I can ask Mr. Barrow if he would like to give it a go?" Green turned toward Thomas expectantly.
Jimmy sat up straighter and replied quickly, "Yes, Mr. Green I have played before- here and there. I prefer cards but if you would like to try chess tonight, I'll give it a go. I think Mr. Barrow would rather read his paper. Isn't that right, Mr. Barrow?"
Thomas smiled a wan smile. "I think it would be best if I stayed well out of it for now. I'll leave the two of you to it and I will continue reading if you don't mind." Thomas lowered his eyes back to the newspaper but the words were swimming on the page and he could not concentrate. He gave up on reading but kept his gaze on the paper and listened to the exchange between the other two men.
Green turned back to Jimmy. "Jimmy, I wonder if I might ask you- Is everything all right? You seem quite put out these past few days. Have I done something to offend you?"
Thomas eyes snapped up to Jimmy's face at Green's question. He had asked Jimmy several times about his strange behavior toward Green, and each time - Jimmy brushed him off and changed the subject.
Jimmy blushed a deep red and said crossly "Are we going to chatter like magpies all night or are we going to play a proper game of chess?"
Jimmy lost two games before Thomas gave up the pretense of reading the paper, and three games before Thomas relented all together and headed up to bed. While he was still on the stairs, he heard Jimmy bid Green a good night.
The next morning, when he entered the servant's hall, Thomas was startled to see Jimmy waiting in the seat next to where Thomas usually sat- the seat that Green had been sitting in at mealtimes since he arrived. Thomas sat down next to Jimmy. "Good morning Jimmy." He continued in an undertone "This is unexpected." Jimmy just smiled one of his wide, uncomplicated smiles and replied "Good morning to you as well, Mr. Barrow." Green had still not yet come down to breakfast when Mr. Carson hurriedly assigned them the day's tasks.
"Alfred, please ask Mrs. Patmore if she will assemble a picnic for two for Lady Mary." The staff exchanged glances.
Mrs. Patmore heard Carson and came out of the kitchen. "For Lady Mary, she isn't wont to eat much these days. What would you like me to put in the picnic Mr. Carson?"
Mr. Carson signed and shook his head. "Whatever you think is best for an ailing soul, perhaps some bread and butter? Not too much, I agree."
"And is anyone going on this picnic with Lady Mary-Will they be wanting anything special in the basket?" Mrs. Patmore asked with a knowing look.
Mr. Carson stood up, flustered. "It is no matter who is going with Lady Mary. Just make up the basket please and no, nothing special. Thank you." Mr. Carson left the room, and Mrs. Patmore bustled back to the kitchen.
Thomas took advantage of Jimmy's proximity to say quietly to him "Last night in the hallway, I heard Anna tell Bates that she thinks Lady Mary has gotten even worse. She eats next to nothing, if she even makes it down to a meal at all. Yesterday morning she walked past Anna in the hallway and did not even acknowledge she was there. Anna had to take Lady Mary back to her room and give her one of those sedatives Dr. Clarkson left for her." Jimmy looked up at Thomas and he looked alarmed and grieved.
Thomas gave him a small smile and nodded as if to say We'll talk later. It will be all right. Anna walked into the hall, looking worn and worried. Green followed Anna in and stopped when he saw Jimmy in his usual place on Thomas's right side. He inclined his head towards Jimmy and sat down opposite Thomas instead. "Good morning. Has anything exciting happened since our dinner last night?" while reaching for the plate of toast. Thomas indicated the day's newspaper to Green with a smile, "Nothing exciting here Mr. Green but maybe elsewhere in the word... "
Thomas then looked between Jimmy, sitting besides Thomas, and Green- both absorbed with buttering their toast and thought he did not want Green leaving Downton, not just yet anyway. He decided in that moment not to tell Green just what state of despair Lady Mary was in right now. Not today and maybe not ever. Thomas turned toward Jimmy and asked him where he learned to play chess so terribly.