R and R
By Dee and Zyphy
Chapter 1
Trip gave Archer his best little boy's smile. "Captain, I swear I told the man just what Hoshi told me. T'Pol ye Archer ouon was mana und mater. Couna ya jut ye foust perferro."
Hoshi beamed as her hand hesitantly covered her mouth. Trying to suppress her laughter, her eyes were wide as they glanced at Trip. A muffled giggle escaped her lips. Archer frowned at her, while Trip gave an exasperated sigh and T'Pol raised a slender eyebrow. Hoshi tried to control herself as she let her hand fall to her side. Gazing at Jonathan, with such a serious expression on his face, Hoshi fell into another fit of laughter.
Captain Archer's annoyed face glared at her, "Hoshi, would you mind telling me what's so funny?"
She tried to quell her laughter. With sparkling eyes, she shot a look at Trip before she answered. "Captain, he didn't ask for a fake preacher. He asked for an ugly preacher.'' She started to giggle again. Hoshi had to leave before the realization settled on Jonathan that he was now a married man. As she passed T'Pol, she gave the Vulcan a hug. She pulled away from the shocked woman, speaking in merriment, "It's so nice to meet you Mrs. Archer. I hope you two are very happy." Bolting down the hallway giggling, Hoshi made her escape.
Archer gaped. Trip gave a half-hearted smile and shrugged his shoulders. T'Pol broke the silence. "Captain Archer, I warned you about contamination and not studying local customs." She spun on her heel and proceeded to leave.
Archer watched her slender frame decisively depart. With each step, she seemed to echo 'I told you so'.
Slowly, he closed his eyes, collapsing against the wall behind him. Looking across to Trip, Jonathan sighed before he spoke. "Trip, I want you to place your phaser on kill and then shoot yourself, before I do."
"I wouldn't say those words 'I do' too much if I were you, but you do make a cute couple." Trip grinned and tried to hold in his laughter. Jonathan scowled at Trip. "Well Cap'n, look on the bright side, you still have the honeymoon tonight with an iceberg." Trip couldn't help but laugh as his Captain moaned.
"Trip, I think I need a drink. Want to join me?" Archer gave a little huff-like laugh.
"I don't know if your wife would approve." snickered Trip. "But I am sorry about this. Listen, you could get a divorce. If you think about it, you're only married on this planet. It's not like you 'married' married her. I don't think it really counts. Now if it was by our standards or hers I think you'd be in trouble."
They started walking toward the apartment the Akaali council assigned Archer three days earlier. Archer stared at the door before opening it. Trip followed him in, as two male Akaali walked past and bowed their heads before continuing on their journey. The first thing Archer did after entering the apartment was toss his heavy cloak onto the bed. Walking to the cubbyhole, Archer grabbed a bottle of vodka and two small glasses. He threw a solemn glance at Trip who had made himself comfortable and was sitting at a small square table. His cloak was draped carelessly over the back of his chair.
"I was saving this for a late evening with Riann. THAT'S not going to happen," he said as he crossed over to Trip and sat opposite him. Leisurely Jonathan removed the top and poured them both a stiff drink. "A toast to my wife, T'Pol. I owe that all to you." He declared as he raised his glass.
"To the ice princess, I mean Mrs. T'Pol Archer," toasted Trip, laughingly. Both downed their drinks. Trip refilled the glasses. "To one heck of an R and R. Beaten and bruised. But on the bright side, I was used as a practice dummy by Hoshi who was teaching T'Pol how to kiss.'' He watched his friend's eyes narrow. Damn, he was in love with T'Pol. They had been friends for so long that he knew Jon had finally fallen and fallen hard. Trip added quickly, "I didn't kiss T'Pol. She told me all about the numerous diseases that could be transferred by the human mouth. After hearing her lecture, I wanted a check-up. She sure knows how to kill a man's passion. Jon, next time we go on R and R, I pick the destination. Now a toast, to Hoshi who looks so cute as an Akaali."
Jon raised his glass. He seemed more relaxed. "To a rather unique set of circumstances that led us down this path. To beautiful women. Trip, you better behave 'cause Hoshi is like a little sister to me. I talked her into coming here so I don't want her hurt. I still can't believe she told them I was her father and T'Pol her mother and then told them we weren't married. Now I'm a married to a Vulcan. God, I've hated them for so long. I tried other women. Ignoring her. Being mean. Nothing worked. T'Pol is stunning. She's so intelligent. She's a fighter. She's amazing, always surprising me. To T'Pol and Hoshi. Both beautiful, intelligent and enchanting women. I mean valuable crewmembers," added Archer.
Trip glanced over. He noticed that Riann wasn't mentioned and shook his head. Maybe Hoshi was right after all. "Hear, hear." Trip couldn't help but smile. Jonathan wasn't usually a drinker. Normally he would go on and on about the universe, stars and engines. Now after one drink, he appeared tipsy and a little rambling. Trip could only smile. Maybe Captains didn't do homework but Trip was certain their petite communications officer did, with a bit of help from a certain engineer. Jonathan was quiet. "Jonny, how did this all happen?" wondered Trip, as he shook his head gently.
Jon set his glass down. He leaned back in his chair. "Simple. Women and a little R and R."
Both reflected on the past three weeks and how the whole mess started. Archer realized for him, it began about three and a half weeks ago on Tarsa ...
Captain Jonathan Archer sat calmly in his chair, watching the stars fly by on the screen. Rembrandt couldn't have captured the dazzling display of rich gold's, blues and reds. Exquisite, sensuous, they inspired him as he gazed at the beauty of deep space before him. They were swiftly approaching the edge of another solar system. He glanced over to his science officer. She returned his look by merely raising an eyebrow and a slight widening of her dark eyes. He looked away with a grin. Calm. Icy. Damn good-looking. His officer.
"Captain, I've picked up a distress signal from the fifth planet in this solar system." Hoshi's voice broke through Archer's thoughts.
"How far?" Archer asked Mayweather as he stood and walked behind him.
"One light-minute." Mayweather replied.
He turned to T'Pol to see her looking through the viewer.
"Captain, do you want to answer?" asked Hoshi as she pushed the plug deeper into her ear.
Archer nodded. "Hoshi, please hail them. T'Pol?"
"The planet is Tarsa. Radius is 1145 to 1200 km. Mass equals 1.3 x 1022 kilograms. Density is 1.92 to 2.06 gm/cc. Surface composition mainly H2O, N2, CH4 and CO ices. Atmospheric composition primarily N2, CH4 and CO. Surface temperature is approximately -22( C. Spin period equivalent to 6.39 Earth days. The ship is at latitude 41( 44' N, longitude 49( 55'. Vessel is an unknown configuration. Length is 885 ft. Estimated weight is over 28 tons. No signature signs. I'm reading several exterior hull breaches. Detecting two life forms. The ship should be visible on the view screen now." T'Pol stated, as she kept looking into her viewer.
Archer looked over his shoulder to a screen of static. "Trip."
"Already on it, Captain." Trip popped his head up from underneath a console.
"They're responding, Captain. I'll put it on screen."
The screen came back to life. It showed Archer nothing but a few wavy lines of static.
A small childlike voice rang out. "Torah, ity a bandoloss torya tosha Tzi."
Archer turned to Hoshi. "Did you get that?"
"Sir, I'm going to need a little bit more."
Archer stood in front of the fuzzy screen. "My name is Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here to assist you."
The small childlike voice rang out again. "Torah, ity a bandoloss torya tosha fredoss lay tee."
Jonathan looked over to Hoshi. Catching her eye, he brought up both of his eyebrows.
"He needs help with his engines. They're offline. There is only he and his pet Tzi."
"Is the translator working?" asked Jonathan.
"Yes, sir. I got it." Hoshi called out as she turned back to her station monitors.
Archer stood in front of the fuzzy screen and repeated, "My name is Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here to assist you. I'm afraid because of the damage to your ship we won't be able to use our grapping lines. However I could send down an engineer."
"I accept your aid. Many thanks to you Captain Archer. There is only one docking area still in operation on my vessel. You can have use of it. I would like to hear more of this planet Earth and your ship. It peaks my interest," said the voice.
"Do you require medical assistance?" asked Archer.
"No."
As soon as the floating, disembodied voice finished, communications were severed.
Archer began organizing an away team. "Trip, Hoshi, you're with me. T'Pol, you're in charge."
With that, Trip handed his tools over to his assistant.
T'Pol walked over to Archer, "Captain, this is a mistake. The scan shows the alien is under no threat. It would be prudent to inform his own planet and have them pick him up. You are endangering your life unnecessarily. If you insist on this course of action, I should be the one to lead the away team. You Captain, are not expendable."
Archer grinned. His blue eyes sparkled. "You do care about me."
T'Pol was about to speak, only to have Archer place his finger on her lips. "We talked about insubordination, plus to this vessel and me you are not expendable."
Archer turned around and headed to the lift. It was only after all three were inside that Archer commented, "I hope you have some thermal underwear."
Hoshi shivered involuntary, causing Trip to move closer to her and place his arm around her shoulder. He gave her a tight squeeze. "Don't worry Hoshi. I'll keep you warm."
She looked up, meeting his eyes, "Trip, you're not that hot."
His eyes widened, "Gee, thanks Hoshi."
"Oh, Commander Tucker, I didn't mean it that way. It's way below zero down there. I get cold just thinking about it."
During the long shuttle journey to the vessel, Hoshi spent her time concentrating. Rubbing her hand and recalling all that T'Pol had taught her. After connecting to the docking port, they prepared to disembark. The EV suits seemed awkward as they entered the alien spaceship. Captain Archer was offended that no one was there to greet them. After running a scan, it was determined the ship's air was breathable. It was a relief to remove the heavy helmets and toss them back into the shuttle pod. The entire bay was covered in what appeared to be sand.
Archer shook his head. There was something definitely wrong. The three members of the away team came to an abrupt halt. Frozen, they stared at a gigantic, six foot, bipedal in front of them. Hoshi moved a little behind Archer. Trip stepped in front of her, his hand resting on his phaser. The creature stared at them through three watery, gray eyes. Each eye rested on a tiny stump shooting out of the middle of his face where his nose should have been. His mouth was small and catlike.
Archer stepped forward. "I'm Captain Archer from the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here on a peaceful mission. We came because of your distress signal. Hoshi?"
Hoshi lifted her translator as the creature began to speak.
"RRRR, rhhh." It growled, as it's stubby eyes swung from side to side watching.
Hoshi looked up at the creature in front of her.
"Well, Hoshi, what did it say?"
"So far, RRRR, rhhh."
Both men looked at her as if she had gone crazy.
"Well, that's what it said."
Archer looked frustrated. Trip grinned.
"Cap'n, I hate to say this but our friend there just lifted his leg and peed on the ground."
"Well, at least he's covering it up. That's not the welcome I thought we'd get." Captain Archer's face turned red. "A sandbox. We're standing in a sand box. Hoshi, please tell me I'm not talking to one of their pets."
Hoshi just smiled and shrugged. Trip smirked.
"Just think where we'd be standing if we weren't welcome."
Archer grimaced, rolled his blue eyes and shook his head. "It's going to be one of those days. I should have brought Porthos. Don't anyone dare tell Sub-Commander T'Pol or I'm tossing you both out of an airlock when we get back."
Chapter 2
They could hear the whisper of a bay door opening. Archer took a step forward. In his loudest voice, he called out, "I'm Captain Jonathan Archer from the starship Enterprise."
Hoshi was the first to notice the strong odor wafting over to her. It made her throat close up and her eyes sting until they watered. Rivulets began running down her face.
"Come on. It's okay. You don't have to be afraid. I'm here." Trip moved closer, comfortingly placing an arm about her. Suddenly, the stench almost knocked him off his feet.
Looking over to Archer, he saw the Captain cautiously raise his booted foot. He really stepped in it this time. Archer leaped backward trying to wipe his boot off in the sand, only to have the sand stick all over it.
A form approached, laboring with each step. The animal ran over to its master to receive a small pat on the head and then bounded off. As the being progressed, Captain Archer could only assess that the owner of this vessel was no more than five feet seven including the bulky EV suit it wore. Archer expected the suit to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment falling to the sand below. The icy atmosphere made the suit sparkle.
Trip kept his hand on his phaser, trying not to breathe more than absolutely necessary. The alien slowly lifted its thin hand and pulled up its visor. Its face was thin and hollow. Its black eyes were huge, like a child's doll. Its nose reminded Archer of a straw that ran sideways across its face. The mouth was a tiny slit.
Hoshi touched Archer's shoulder.
"Let's try this again. I'm . . ."
But he was interrupted by this wisp of a creature, which covered its straw- like nose with a gloved hand. "Captain Archer, I am pleased to meet you."
The alien seemed to take a deep breath, then its slit mouth turned downward. Slapping the visor down, gasps could be heard. "I'm sorry Captain Archer. I didn't realize you would have such a strong odor."
Trip leaned over and turned off the translator. "Cap'n, I hope it knows that you stink. The rest of us smell pretty good."
Archer shot Trip an exasperated look that told it all. Nothing seemed to work out for him today. Archer slumped his shoulders, while Hoshi turned the translator back on.
After taking a deep breath, the creature slowly raised its visor. It stared at the Captain, waiting, it seemed for his next move.
Archer shifted uncomfortably, trying to push his boot deep into the sand so it wouldn't smell so bad. "We are here to ... "
But he was interrupted again. "Captain Archer, it is indeed a pleasure to meet you. I am Erosha. I hope my pet did not scare you."
Archer gave Erosha a crooked smile. "No. I would like for you to meet my engineer, Commander Tucker." Trip gave Erosha a brilliant smile and a small nod. "And my communications officer, Hoshi Sato." Hoshi gave Erosha a trembling smile. Her lips had turned a light shade of blue.
Erosha took a slight step back. "Forgive me, you are cold. Please, if you follow me. I think you will find the rest of my vessel comfortable." Erosha turned and walked off followed by the away team.
As the doors to the bay opened, the group was hit by a blast of hot air. After the doors closed, Erosha slipped out of its EV suit. The thin body was covered by a gray sleeveless jumpsuit. There were no identification marks or patches visible. Captain Archer still couldn't tell if Erosha was a male or female. He concluded that Erosha must be female since the voice was high and childlike and the name itself sounded female.
Trip broke the silence. "I'd like to take a look at those engines and see what I'm getting myself into."
"Of course, Commander Tucker. It's right down this way, if you will follow me."
Descending into the vessel, Archer and Tucker noted the different designs and technologies. Erosha seemed to know what they where thinking as they gradually made their way to the engine room. "Captain, I couldn't help but notice the interest you have in my ship."
"It's quite unique. It looks like a patchwork from different cultures."
Erosha thin slit turned upward. "You are quite right. My people are merchants, Captain. This ship is a conglomeration of technologies, Klingon, Vulcan, Istarain and several others throughout. That is why I am finding it extremely difficult to repair my engines. I only hope your engineer can be of some assistance."
Erosha was as good as her word. The engine was a kaleidoscope of diverse designs. Wires and cables crisscrossed, many dangling, leading nowhere. While Archer learned more about Erosha, Trip was ready to scream and toss his tools out an air vent. After four hours, even his skill couldn't save the engines. Hell, he couldn't even explain how they worked in the first place. Everything was convoluted. He longed to be back onboard Enterprise with its orderly, clean engine room.
Hoshi had followed Erosha and the Captain through a maze of crates, parts, tools and practically anything imaginable. Archer was checking everything. Instead of seeing a virtual junkyard, he saw wonders. Warily watching for any creepy-crawly creature to make a sudden appearance, Hoshi was growing uncomfortable with Erosha's behavior toward the Captain. Erosha's bare arms, each covered with stubble-like hair, had a tendency to brush against Archer's hand, his arm, his back, and his uniform. There was something she didn't like about Erosha. She just couldn't place it. All Hoshi wanted to do was leave. Not out of fear but because of the disturbing feeling she was developing about this place and Erosha. She didn't like Erosha or trust her/him/it/whatever. Archer seemed too preoccupied, studying a Vulcan communications device, to observe the way Erosha looked at him or ran her forearm's stubble over him. Yuk.
Trip finally conceded defeat. Finding the Captain, he motioned him over. "I'm sorry, Cap'n, I can't tell heads from tails down there but it's a goner." Trip wiped his hands on a rag and stuffed it back into his pocket.
Archer turned to Erosha, to give her the bad news. "I'm sorry, but it seems that we can't help you with these engines. However you can contact your people from the Enterprise and have them rendezvous with us."
"I thank you, Captain. Tuz and I will accompany you to your ship, but we will have to hitch up a small craft for Tuz's litter box." Erosha added, "I can't leave him behind, he'll starve."
Archer frowned then nodded.
It wasn't long before Erosha along with Tuz were ready to leave. Erosha had only one small bundle with her. Archer was amazed at the lightweight craft that Trip, with Erosha's help, attached to the shuttle pod. It was tiny, more of a crate than anything else. The creature rambled in with just a flick of Erosha's hand.
They were heading to the shuttle's hatch when Hoshi detected a horrible stench drifting over to her. Erosha didn't say a word as she entered the shuttle. After everyone was boarded, the door began to close. Gasps and choking sounds were heard. An "Oh, Boy" was quickly followed by a sand- encrusted boot being thrown out the door, which was swiftly slammed shut.
Chapter 3
Archer took the pilot seat. It seemed to take forever to make it through the upper atmosphere.
Erosha leaned forward in her seat toward the Captain. She touched Archer's arm. "You are the lead male of your species, Captain Archer?" she enquired softly.
Trip leaned forward. "Yes, sirree that's our Captain for you, the lead dog."
Erosha looked questioning at him. "Dog?"
"Just an Earth saying. It means the main man," responded Trip.
Archer gave him a deadly look. "Trip."
Trip leaned back in his seat. Hoshi communicated back to the Enterprise that Erosha and her pet had accompanied them. At the word pet, Jonathan looked back at Hoshi and gave her a wicked smile. He wondered how T'Pol was going to take the news of a pet. His mind shifted to T'Pol. He could almost see her running to Phlox for a nasal inhibitor at the mention of the word pet. Hoshi gave the Captain a quizzical look. He slowly turned around in his pilot's seat, with a grin gracing his handsome face. With T'Pol sidetracked by the pet, she wasn't going to ask too many questions of him or about his missing boot. At least he wouldn't look like a complete idiot in front of her. Jonathan was so busy with the controls and trying to outsmart T'Pol, he failed to notice as Erosha moved into the copilot seat beside him. It was only when she started a whiny humming and began rubbing his upper arm that he looked at her.
Seeing Erosha's thin lips approaching his, Archer recoiled from her. She was clinging to him like a wet blanket. Rubbing her hairy forearm repeatedly over his skin, removing the first two layers. Archer started to look forward to meeting T'Pol. He knew she'd say something to dampen the touchy-feely Erosha. In the background, he could hear Trip laughing and Hoshi's low verbal negatives about men in general.
"Erosha, I think you should sit back if you don't mind. I can't fly with this distraction." Archer lowered his eyes to her forearm. She tentatively moved away. Jonathan breathed a sigh of relief as she returned to her seat next to Trip. Trip eyed her suspiciously as she moved her forearm close to his and slowly slid his uniform sleeve back to expose his wrist. Trip pulled his hand away and looked at Erosha. Her eyes were huge. Trip pointed over to Hoshi. "My wife doesn't like other women touching me."
Hoshi looked at him, frowned and shook her head.
"Oh." said Erosha as she backed away.
Pointing at the Captain, Trip added "Now the Captain there, his woman is a Vulcan by the name of T'Pol. It's amazing she let him out of her sight this long."
Hoshi groaned and lowered her head to her upraised hand.
Archer shifted in his chair uncomfortably. The thought of Erosha running that stubble up and down his arm and ripping off his skin wasn't appealing. Neither was the thought that she would think humans were liars. The worst thought was fighting her off once they got aboard the Enterprise. It could result in serious difficulties between the two races. It was better just to play along. "Trip, what have I told you about talking that way about my wife. She doesn't control me." Archer said hoping it would discourage any further advances from Erosha.
"Your woman is a Vulcan?" Erosha's sounded surprised. "And you have survived Pon Farr? You must have great stamina, Captain Archer. I will talk to your woman to see if she would lend you out. I am very impressed."
Hoshi burst out laughing. "I think it's a great idea that you talk to Mrs. Archer about her husband." Hoshi stressed the word husband. "I can't believe you guys, not at all. Ever heard the words 'not interested'?" She whispered under her breath.
Archer groaned as his head sank onto his chest. He should have told Erosha the truth even though he knew it wouldn't have stopped her. T'Pol. Trip couldn't have picked anyone else, oh no. Why should anything be easy? Now all he needed to do was tell T'Pol that until Erosha left the Enterprise, she was to consider herself Mrs. Archer. As they neared the Enterprise, Archer had to do something. "Erosha, T'Pol and I don't show any physical displays of affection in public."
Erosha tilted her head. "I completely understand. Neither does your engineer or his mate. Our species also does the same during trading. We are divided until trading ends. Trading is first and foremost."
It wasn't long until the shuttle was pulled aboard the Enterprise. Archer breathed a sigh of relief. It didn't last long. Assisting Erosha out of the shuttle, Archer noticed T'Pol standing there. Staring at both of them. Exiting the shuttle, Hoshi turned slightly and stopped Trip by placing her hand on his chest. Both watched Captain Archer and Erosha walk toward T'Pol.
Chapter 4
T'Pol was the perfect, stoic Vulcan as Archer approached with Erosha. He was hoping, vainly, to brush past her. Unfortunately, Erosha stopped right in front of T'Pol. Archer tried to move her along by pressing his hand on her back but she didn't budge. Archer shook his head in resignation. "Erosha, this is Sub-Commander T'Pol."
"Sub-Commander, this is Erosha."
Neither woman tried to shake the other's hand, but Jonathan had known they wouldn't. Erosha broke the silence by turning to Archer. "So, this is your mate, Captain Archer? Not bad looking for a Vulcan."
Archer fleetingly wished he could disappear or drop dead. He managed in a weak voice, his blue eyes staring into T'Pol's dark ones, "Yes, this is Mrs. Archer."
T'Pol said nothing but her eyes traveled over them, making Archer feel like a bug being pined to Styrofoam in one of his science classes. T'Pol's eyes rested on his bootless foot which Archer was unsuccessfully attempting to hide behind his booted one. Finally, T'Pol looked deeply into Archer's eyes. "Captain, after we get Erosha settled, I will escort you to see Phlox. Do you recall him? I think that he could help you. It is abnormal for humans to suffer."
He had to shut her up. Archer did the first thing that came to mind. He grabbed T'Pol and kissed her. Damn, she had soft lips. If she was going to kill him after this, he was at least going to give it his all and enjoy it. He was surprised she didn't put up any resistance. When he pulled away, after a good ten minutes, he heard Trip whistle.
Hoshi whispered, "Oh, my. Trip, why can't you do that? Is it because we've been married so long?" She giggled.
Erosha only watched, her thin lips curved up.
T'Pol's eyebrow went up. Before Archer could whisk Erosha away, she said. "Captain, because of this display I am forced to relieve ... "
He grabbed her again and gave her another kiss. This one hard and fast. "Darling, you know that every time you open that beautiful mouth of yours I just have to kiss you." He gave her a little boy's smile and a wink.
T'Pol, who was about to say something, pressed her lips tightly together. Letting Archer and Erosha pass her, her dark eyes bored into his back as she followed behind them. They passed the medical bay as Archer led Erosha to the visitor's quarters. T'Pol detoured into sickbay and found Dr. Phlox there.
"Doctor, I believe Captain Archer is suffering from an illness or dementia."
Phlox raised his hand. "Tell me what makes you think this."
"He is under the impression we are married and kissed me twice. Further, he is not completely attired. He is walking around in one boot," she stated.
"You let him live?" laughed Phlox.
"This is not funny. Captain Archer has momentarily lost his reason. I need to know if he is still capable of commanding the Enterprise," she stated firmly.
"I need to examine him before I can make a diagnosis. If he is running around in one boot and saying you're his wife, there must be a problem or the man has a death wish," added Phlox.
"He will be here within the next 12 minutes."
"If you can get him here." He frowned.
"He has no choice." T'Pol swung around and exited sickbay. Striding purposefully down the ship's interior, she saw Captain Archer talking to Erosha, Trip and Hoshi outside of the guest room. She waited until the guest room door slid closed.
Captain Archer turned uneasily to Trip. "She's here, isn't she?"
"Yes. Maybe we should go check out those engines, Cap'n," Trip spoke loud enough for T'Pol to hear as she approached the small group.
Hoshi shook her head. "You guys are chicken. Just tell her what you idiots came up with." She said in a quiet voice.
He heard T'Pol before he saw her and closed his eyes tightly. Taking a deep breath, he waited.
"Captain, you will come with me." Her voice cut through him like a knife. He didn't turn around to face her.
"I'm busy, T'Pol. Can't this wait?"
Erosha's door whisked open in time to catch Archer words.
"It can't, Captain. I need your attention now." T'Pol's voice sunk an octave.
Archer turned, only to see Erosha. He smiled and rolled his eyes. "That's why there can't be anything between us Erosha." He tossed a look over his shoulder at T'Pol. "She just can't get enough of me."
"Captain, I said I will not wait. This is important. I need your attention now," she ordered.
Captain Jonathan Archer turned around. "It will have to wait."
T'Pol stepped closer to Archer, placed her hand between his shoulder and neck and nerve-pinched him.
Trip, Hoshi and Erosha watched in amazement as T'Pol leaned under the falling Captain and allowed him to land on her shoulder. She stood, carrying an unconscious Jonathan and headed towards sickbay.
Trip could hardly breathe. "Boy, when she wants it now, she's not kidding."
Hoshi hit him in the ribs with her elbow. '"We better follow them so she doesn't kill him."
Erosha commented, "Your sensuality is contagious. You can even make a Vulcan horny."
Trip was about to say something but Hoshi garbed his arm and bolted down the hallway with him in tow.
As Erosha's door closed, she smiled. "We are going to make a fortune."
Chapter 5
Jonathan awoke with the worst headache he could ever remember. It felt as if someone was pushing pins through his brain. The last thing he remembered was T'Pol coming up to him. Then he woke up here. Before opening his eyes, he could hear Phlox and T'Pol arguing.
"Sub-Commander, I am telling you right now there are no drugs in his system. No infections. No alien traces. No allergies. No brain lesions. Everything is normal." Phlox's voice sounded fatigued.
"Then it is an unknown substance or a mental defect that you are not equipped to decipher," she declared, her voice steady.
With every word uttered, Jonathan felt a sharp pain stab through his brain. Cautiously, he opened his eyes.
"Captain, good to see you among the living. Can I ask you some questions?" quizzed Phlox.
Archer just nodded his head yes.
"Are you Captain Jonathan Archer?"
Archer nodded his head yes.
"Is Sub-Commander T'Pol your wife?"
Archer found his voice. "No, right now she brig material." He growled out.
Phlox turned to T'Pol. "Either your nerve-pinch brought him back to reality or else he has some explaining to do."
Hoshi stepped out of the shadows dragging a reluctant Trip with her. "Sub- Commander, I think these two have some explaining to do."
Archer grumbled under his breath. "Trip did it. It's all his fault."
T'Pol looked at both of them. "Explain?"
Neither spoke.
Finally, Hoshi nervously said, "When we were in the shuttle, Erosha was hanging all over the Captain. When he told her to sit back in the passenger area, she started with Trip. He told her that I was his wife and you were married to Jon, I mean Captain Archer. It seemed to cool her heels." Hoshi shook her head knowing that T'Pol wouldn't understand the human phase. "She stopped chasing them."
Archer gave T'Pol a lame smile.
T'Pol dismissed both Trip and Archer. "Hoshi, explain why the Captain was without his boot?"
Hoshi started to laugh, "I promised I wouldn't tell, but it's really stupid and explainable."
T'Pol eyed Archer as she came up to his bedside. "It seems Captain that I can not let you out of my sight without you getting yourself into trouble, mostly with females of any species. "
"T'Pol, I'm sorry. I can make this up to you. She attacked me. Wait a minute. You attacked me too. What is it with you women?"
Hoshi was the one to answer that question, "Stupid men."
Archer ignored her. "Sub-Commander, if you could just play the part in front of her till she's picked up by her own people, I promise I won't toss you in the brig for assaulting a superior officer."
T'Pol looked straight ahead. "No touching, no kissing, no saying 'Darling' and no having her pet around me."
Her pet. Archer groaned. He forgot her pet with everything that was going on. He could just imagine the smell when they opened up that cage.
Of course, Trip couldn't keep his mouth shut. "How about you, wife?" Trip asked as he brought Hoshi's hand to his lips and kissed it.
She looked over towards T'Pol. "No touching, no kissing, no saying 'Darling' and no pet. That thing stinks to high heaven."
Trip looked at the prone figure of Archer who was holding his head. "Well Cap'n, it looks like we both married Vulcans, except mine didn't knock me out and carry me over her shoulder to sick bay."
Jonathan only frowned. "Yep. But mine's a great kisser, maybe a little more physical then I wanted but you can't have everything. T'Pol, we have to have a long talk about knocking out your Captain and carrying him around. We are going to discuss what you did to me." Another wave of pain hit him. "Doc, can you give me something for this headache? T'Pol, I can't believe you didn't give me time to explain. You should know me by now." He sounded hurt.
"Captain, you did not explain. You could have needed medical attention. My only thought was for your safety and the safety of the Enterprise." She stopped for a minute and seemed to be thinking before she spoke. "I will play the part of Mrs. Archer to Erosha. I regret nerve-pinching you."
He couldn't believe she could regret anything. Well, he thought as he closed his eyes, waiting for Phlox to give him something for his headache, his science officer was full of surprises. He wondered briefly if kissing her was worth a headache. He smiled. Oh, yes, most definitely. He felt a prick on his shoulder, slowly his headache dissipated.
It had been a long day. All he wanted to do was sleep, but Archer knew there was too much to do. Meet with Erosha, check her pet, contact someone from her planet to pick her up, set up a meeting place. Hopefully everything would return to normal. He had fallen into Murphy's Law 'Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong' or something similar. So far, he had tried to communicate with a pet, stepped in it twice, been felt up by a female alien who ripped off at least two layers of skin, experienced a nerve-pinch induced migraine and had his first officer call him demented. It had to get better; it couldn't possibly get any worse.
He must have fallen asleep. When he next opened his eyes, his headache had disappeared. The lights in the medical bay were dim and he was alone. He debated whether he should get up or just go back to sleep. He closed his eyes and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke to the sounds of people milling about. Most were complaining about burning eyes and throats. Dr. Phlox seemed to have his hands full. Trip came over and sat down on the side of Archer's bed.
As Archer forced himself upright, he asked, "Trip, what the hell is going on here?"
"Well, Cap'n after you fell asleep, T'Pol wouldn't let us wake you. She called Erosha's people to come pick her up. Against T'Pol's objections, Erosha's pet was released. The stench immediately knocked out two of our guys. Two-thirds of the crew are sick. Doc says it's from the smell so he's giving all the crew nasal inhibitors. The only one not affected is T'Pol. The Doc thinks its because she already had one. He got you while you were sleeping. Oh, the cook wants to talk with you. It seems that Erosha's pet was hungry. He made it to the kitchen and we're all vegetarians now. Boy, does he have a bone to pick with you. T'Pol wants Erosha and her pet spaced. Hoshi is trying to convince the Istarains to pick Erosha up early but they're in the middle of trade negotiations. Erosha's pet tried to hump T'Pol's leg. T'Pol fed and watered Porthos who also tried to hump her leg. It's a real zoo out there."
Archer groaned, "Maybe I should just go back to bed."
Chapter 6
Archer had to drag himself out of bed. God, his head ached. It had started again. It wasn't a T'Pol headache, but a 'Look what I get to deal with now' headache. He clicked off in his mind the steps he'd have to take. One. Get Erosha's pet secure. He asked, "Trip, have they caught Erosha's pet?"
"In a way. He's trapped in the food storage area," answered Trip.
Jonathan closed his eyes tightly and re-opened them. "Here's what I want you to do. Run all the air purifiers full blast. Get Erosha in my ready room. Tell Sub-Commander T'Pol I need her now. I'll be in my cabin."
"Cap'n, the Sub-Commander is changing right now, after everything that's happened."
"Trip, I don't care if she's naked. I want my wife in my quarters now," he seethed. His head was throbbing.
Trip stopped. He felt like he was moving in slow motion. *My wife* Peering at his friend, he knew it had been an unconscious slip. I'll be damned, Trip thought to himself. Just like his friend to reach for the seemingly unattainable. Trip knew, like the Enterprise, Jon wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted. No matter how impossible it seemed.
Jonathan stepped on the floor, only to realize he still only had on one boot, an unwelcome reminder of everything that had happened within the last 48 hours. "Damn it, Trip. I have to get some boots," grumbled Archer.
The room was jammed with crewmembers waiting in line to receive nasal inhibitors. The hallway was almost as bad, crewmembers scrambling about, congesting the small corridor. Trip was a few steps in front of Archer as they exited sickbay. They were maneuvering through the crowd, when Trip abruptly collided with a container, knocking it over. Trip stumbled and threw his arms out. Archer stopped in time to watch Trip slide on the wet, brown corridor floor and land on his rear. His flailing arms made the brown goop spurt everywhere.
Archer couldn't help but grin. For once this week, it wasn't him. He held out his hand hoping to help Trip up, only to be jostled from behind. He pitched face forward and landed in the gunk. As Archer looked up with a face full of goo, it was Trip's turn to laugh. Archer wiped the slime from his face. As he did, he noticed the smell. It was ground meat. They had gone down in pureed meat.
As Archer regained his footing and Trip struggled to stand, they were met by a furious chef carrying a knife, bucket and large ladle.
"Captain, I want a word with you. How do you expect me to cook like this?" He shrieked swinging the knife haphazardly. "There I am, preparing the most wonderful roast. Tenderly basted in its own broth, so it melts in your mouth. Then this hairy ape-like thing burst through the door, wrecked my kitchen and sucked down my roast, pan and all. I beat it with my spoon. It tossed me aside and broke my favorite spoon, the only wooden one on this can. I can't work like this. It's uncivilized!" he started to cry. "Now, you've ruined the only meat we had that that monster didn't contaminate. Do you realize it destroyed my kitchen, devoured my roast and demolished everything in the food storage area except this container? How it missed this one I have no idea. Then You," he pointed at Archer, "and You," he pointed at Trip, "decided to play in it. Almost a hundred people aboard and you two roll in it. This is intolerable."
Archer shrugged.
Trip looked at the ladle and bucket and then down to the floor.
"You were going to feed us this?"
"You act like barbarians, you should eat like barbarians. We have a roast- stealing, spoon-breaking ape carousing the ship. I'm surrounded by savages," wailed the tearful chef.
Erosha's pet sprinted down the corridor. Knocking everyone out of its way, it slammed the chef into both the Captain and Trip, sending them all back into the mess. The chef was the first one up, he dropped the bucket and ladle and went chasing after Erosha's pet, brandishing the knife and screaming at the top of his lungs, '"Ahhhhhaaaa, you ate my roast, you spoon-breaking pervert."
"I guess it's not in the storage area anymore," pronounced a tired Trip.
"Trip, I'm going to take a shower. Send everyone you can after him. I don't want to find myself eating Erosha's pet in the morning. And, Trip, get cleaned up." Archer said as he forced himself back up. He shook both his hands causing pieces of meat to fall to the floor. As Archer arrived at his cabin door, ready for a nice clean shower, a party of crewmembers ran past him carrying their phasers. T'Pol. A fleeting thought passed through his mind as Archer screamed out to the running crewmen, "Only stun!" He watched as several crewmembers stopped dead in their tracks resetting their phasers. Archer shook his head. That's what you get for humping her leg. 'Oh My God, Porthos.' She wouldn't, not sweet, innocent, little Porthos. Archer rushed into his cabin.
Chapter 7
It felt glorious to shed his soiled uniform and shower, Archer thought as the first drops of water hit him. He had just rinsed off and was starting to shampoo his hair when the water stopped. It was one of those days. He just wanted to scream. Archer wrapped a towel around his waist, stepped out of the shower and hit the communicator on the wall. "Trip, my shower."
"I heard you, Captain, I'll have the water running in a few minutes," answered Trip. "Hoshi informed me that T'Pol is on her way."
Archer took another towel and wiped down his hair, trying in vain to get all the soap out. He had almost succeeded, when he heard the outer door to his quarters open. He cautiously opened the bathroom door and stuck his head out.
There stood Sub-Commander T'Pol. He wondered how she always looked calm, cool during any situation. She was dressed in a gray jumpsuit that clung to her body like a second skin. There was a closure in the front but it was unzipped revealing the hollow of her breasts. She stood in the middle of his cabin hands behind her back.
Archer started to tell her he'd be out in a minute when Porthos jumped off the bed and approached her. Archer flew out of the bathroom and eased his dog away from her leg. He looked up into her eyes. He felt naked under her gaze. He abruptly realized his towel had fallen to the floor in his attempt to restrain Porthos. He scooped it up, hurriedly wrapping it around his waist, covering his manhood. Damn. If he looked any longer at his science officer, he could just hang the towel from it. Archer could feel his face grow hot. Great, that's all she needs, Archer reflected, to think that I'm going to hump her leg.
Luckily for him, T'Pol was still gazing at his chest as she began speaking. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"
"In a minute."
Archer backed towards the bathroom, careful not to lose his hold on the towel. After safely making it inside, he closed the door. Leaning against it to compose himself, he realized he had left his top and uniform jacket on his bed. Oh well, at least he had his pants. He grabbed his underwear to dress, when the shower came back on. Dropping his underwear, he quickly stepped into the shower and washed the rest of the soap out of his hair. Still dripping, he pulled on his clean underwear and uniform pants before stepping out to confront T'Pol.
He couldn't help but notice that T'Pol's eyes kept falling to his chest. "Sub-Commander, before we get down to business, is there something you want to ask me? You seemed distracted."
Her eyes traveled to his face. "Captain, Vulcan men do not have hair on their chests. It is unsettling," she revealed, her voice not as sure as it had been earlier.
Archer crossed to his bed and grabbed his top. Raising it to insert his head, T'Pol's voice stopped him.
"May I ask what you want to talk to me about?"
Archer lowered his hands and crossed over to her. "A report would be nice, T'Pol."
"Captain, my report is as follows. Due to your ordeal, you required sleep. I took control of the Enterprise. At 0400 hours a Klingon vessel approached, communication was exchanged and we convinced them to leave. During this time, the creature was let out of its cage, despite my vehement objections. Most of the crew fell ill within 23 minutes. The creature had an unfortunate encounter with the chef and then located the food storage area. I requested Erosha's presence but the creature did not respond to her verbal commands. It tried to acquaint itself with my leg with unsatisfactory results. I ordered it be contained within the storage compartment. Dr. Phlox informed me that the crew was suffering from a chemical odor emitting from the creature. He believed a nasal inhibitor would relieve these problems. I instructed all afflicted personnel to report to sickbay. I fed and watered your dog, which also attempted to become acquainted with my leg. The creature escaped the food storage area and resumed its exploration of the ship. I ordered the creature be stunned or killed for the good of the crew. I was bathing when Hoshi informed me that you wished to speak with me in your quarters immediately."
"Have you communicated with Erosha's people yet?"
"Due to unforeseen circumstances, they broke off their negotiations early. After a message from Erosha was sent, they requested we rendezvous in three days. I plotted the course." T'Pol handed Archer the data pad she had held behind her.
He looked it over twice and set it down. "What would I do without you, T'Pol?"
"Based on statistically projected outcomes, you would have failed without me, Captain," she stated matter-of-factly.
Archer smiled. That was his officer, a true self-important Vulcan deigning to assist the poor helpless Humans. The hardest thing for Archer to admit was she was right. He didn't know what he'd do without her.
By Dee and Zyphy
Chapter 1
Trip gave Archer his best little boy's smile. "Captain, I swear I told the man just what Hoshi told me. T'Pol ye Archer ouon was mana und mater. Couna ya jut ye foust perferro."
Hoshi beamed as her hand hesitantly covered her mouth. Trying to suppress her laughter, her eyes were wide as they glanced at Trip. A muffled giggle escaped her lips. Archer frowned at her, while Trip gave an exasperated sigh and T'Pol raised a slender eyebrow. Hoshi tried to control herself as she let her hand fall to her side. Gazing at Jonathan, with such a serious expression on his face, Hoshi fell into another fit of laughter.
Captain Archer's annoyed face glared at her, "Hoshi, would you mind telling me what's so funny?"
She tried to quell her laughter. With sparkling eyes, she shot a look at Trip before she answered. "Captain, he didn't ask for a fake preacher. He asked for an ugly preacher.'' She started to giggle again. Hoshi had to leave before the realization settled on Jonathan that he was now a married man. As she passed T'Pol, she gave the Vulcan a hug. She pulled away from the shocked woman, speaking in merriment, "It's so nice to meet you Mrs. Archer. I hope you two are very happy." Bolting down the hallway giggling, Hoshi made her escape.
Archer gaped. Trip gave a half-hearted smile and shrugged his shoulders. T'Pol broke the silence. "Captain Archer, I warned you about contamination and not studying local customs." She spun on her heel and proceeded to leave.
Archer watched her slender frame decisively depart. With each step, she seemed to echo 'I told you so'.
Slowly, he closed his eyes, collapsing against the wall behind him. Looking across to Trip, Jonathan sighed before he spoke. "Trip, I want you to place your phaser on kill and then shoot yourself, before I do."
"I wouldn't say those words 'I do' too much if I were you, but you do make a cute couple." Trip grinned and tried to hold in his laughter. Jonathan scowled at Trip. "Well Cap'n, look on the bright side, you still have the honeymoon tonight with an iceberg." Trip couldn't help but laugh as his Captain moaned.
"Trip, I think I need a drink. Want to join me?" Archer gave a little huff-like laugh.
"I don't know if your wife would approve." snickered Trip. "But I am sorry about this. Listen, you could get a divorce. If you think about it, you're only married on this planet. It's not like you 'married' married her. I don't think it really counts. Now if it was by our standards or hers I think you'd be in trouble."
They started walking toward the apartment the Akaali council assigned Archer three days earlier. Archer stared at the door before opening it. Trip followed him in, as two male Akaali walked past and bowed their heads before continuing on their journey. The first thing Archer did after entering the apartment was toss his heavy cloak onto the bed. Walking to the cubbyhole, Archer grabbed a bottle of vodka and two small glasses. He threw a solemn glance at Trip who had made himself comfortable and was sitting at a small square table. His cloak was draped carelessly over the back of his chair.
"I was saving this for a late evening with Riann. THAT'S not going to happen," he said as he crossed over to Trip and sat opposite him. Leisurely Jonathan removed the top and poured them both a stiff drink. "A toast to my wife, T'Pol. I owe that all to you." He declared as he raised his glass.
"To the ice princess, I mean Mrs. T'Pol Archer," toasted Trip, laughingly. Both downed their drinks. Trip refilled the glasses. "To one heck of an R and R. Beaten and bruised. But on the bright side, I was used as a practice dummy by Hoshi who was teaching T'Pol how to kiss.'' He watched his friend's eyes narrow. Damn, he was in love with T'Pol. They had been friends for so long that he knew Jon had finally fallen and fallen hard. Trip added quickly, "I didn't kiss T'Pol. She told me all about the numerous diseases that could be transferred by the human mouth. After hearing her lecture, I wanted a check-up. She sure knows how to kill a man's passion. Jon, next time we go on R and R, I pick the destination. Now a toast, to Hoshi who looks so cute as an Akaali."
Jon raised his glass. He seemed more relaxed. "To a rather unique set of circumstances that led us down this path. To beautiful women. Trip, you better behave 'cause Hoshi is like a little sister to me. I talked her into coming here so I don't want her hurt. I still can't believe she told them I was her father and T'Pol her mother and then told them we weren't married. Now I'm a married to a Vulcan. God, I've hated them for so long. I tried other women. Ignoring her. Being mean. Nothing worked. T'Pol is stunning. She's so intelligent. She's a fighter. She's amazing, always surprising me. To T'Pol and Hoshi. Both beautiful, intelligent and enchanting women. I mean valuable crewmembers," added Archer.
Trip glanced over. He noticed that Riann wasn't mentioned and shook his head. Maybe Hoshi was right after all. "Hear, hear." Trip couldn't help but smile. Jonathan wasn't usually a drinker. Normally he would go on and on about the universe, stars and engines. Now after one drink, he appeared tipsy and a little rambling. Trip could only smile. Maybe Captains didn't do homework but Trip was certain their petite communications officer did, with a bit of help from a certain engineer. Jonathan was quiet. "Jonny, how did this all happen?" wondered Trip, as he shook his head gently.
Jon set his glass down. He leaned back in his chair. "Simple. Women and a little R and R."
Both reflected on the past three weeks and how the whole mess started. Archer realized for him, it began about three and a half weeks ago on Tarsa ...
Captain Jonathan Archer sat calmly in his chair, watching the stars fly by on the screen. Rembrandt couldn't have captured the dazzling display of rich gold's, blues and reds. Exquisite, sensuous, they inspired him as he gazed at the beauty of deep space before him. They were swiftly approaching the edge of another solar system. He glanced over to his science officer. She returned his look by merely raising an eyebrow and a slight widening of her dark eyes. He looked away with a grin. Calm. Icy. Damn good-looking. His officer.
"Captain, I've picked up a distress signal from the fifth planet in this solar system." Hoshi's voice broke through Archer's thoughts.
"How far?" Archer asked Mayweather as he stood and walked behind him.
"One light-minute." Mayweather replied.
He turned to T'Pol to see her looking through the viewer.
"Captain, do you want to answer?" asked Hoshi as she pushed the plug deeper into her ear.
Archer nodded. "Hoshi, please hail them. T'Pol?"
"The planet is Tarsa. Radius is 1145 to 1200 km. Mass equals 1.3 x 1022 kilograms. Density is 1.92 to 2.06 gm/cc. Surface composition mainly H2O, N2, CH4 and CO ices. Atmospheric composition primarily N2, CH4 and CO. Surface temperature is approximately -22( C. Spin period equivalent to 6.39 Earth days. The ship is at latitude 41( 44' N, longitude 49( 55'. Vessel is an unknown configuration. Length is 885 ft. Estimated weight is over 28 tons. No signature signs. I'm reading several exterior hull breaches. Detecting two life forms. The ship should be visible on the view screen now." T'Pol stated, as she kept looking into her viewer.
Archer looked over his shoulder to a screen of static. "Trip."
"Already on it, Captain." Trip popped his head up from underneath a console.
"They're responding, Captain. I'll put it on screen."
The screen came back to life. It showed Archer nothing but a few wavy lines of static.
A small childlike voice rang out. "Torah, ity a bandoloss torya tosha Tzi."
Archer turned to Hoshi. "Did you get that?"
"Sir, I'm going to need a little bit more."
Archer stood in front of the fuzzy screen. "My name is Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here to assist you."
The small childlike voice rang out again. "Torah, ity a bandoloss torya tosha fredoss lay tee."
Jonathan looked over to Hoshi. Catching her eye, he brought up both of his eyebrows.
"He needs help with his engines. They're offline. There is only he and his pet Tzi."
"Is the translator working?" asked Jonathan.
"Yes, sir. I got it." Hoshi called out as she turned back to her station monitors.
Archer stood in front of the fuzzy screen and repeated, "My name is Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here to assist you. I'm afraid because of the damage to your ship we won't be able to use our grapping lines. However I could send down an engineer."
"I accept your aid. Many thanks to you Captain Archer. There is only one docking area still in operation on my vessel. You can have use of it. I would like to hear more of this planet Earth and your ship. It peaks my interest," said the voice.
"Do you require medical assistance?" asked Archer.
"No."
As soon as the floating, disembodied voice finished, communications were severed.
Archer began organizing an away team. "Trip, Hoshi, you're with me. T'Pol, you're in charge."
With that, Trip handed his tools over to his assistant.
T'Pol walked over to Archer, "Captain, this is a mistake. The scan shows the alien is under no threat. It would be prudent to inform his own planet and have them pick him up. You are endangering your life unnecessarily. If you insist on this course of action, I should be the one to lead the away team. You Captain, are not expendable."
Archer grinned. His blue eyes sparkled. "You do care about me."
T'Pol was about to speak, only to have Archer place his finger on her lips. "We talked about insubordination, plus to this vessel and me you are not expendable."
Archer turned around and headed to the lift. It was only after all three were inside that Archer commented, "I hope you have some thermal underwear."
Hoshi shivered involuntary, causing Trip to move closer to her and place his arm around her shoulder. He gave her a tight squeeze. "Don't worry Hoshi. I'll keep you warm."
She looked up, meeting his eyes, "Trip, you're not that hot."
His eyes widened, "Gee, thanks Hoshi."
"Oh, Commander Tucker, I didn't mean it that way. It's way below zero down there. I get cold just thinking about it."
During the long shuttle journey to the vessel, Hoshi spent her time concentrating. Rubbing her hand and recalling all that T'Pol had taught her. After connecting to the docking port, they prepared to disembark. The EV suits seemed awkward as they entered the alien spaceship. Captain Archer was offended that no one was there to greet them. After running a scan, it was determined the ship's air was breathable. It was a relief to remove the heavy helmets and toss them back into the shuttle pod. The entire bay was covered in what appeared to be sand.
Archer shook his head. There was something definitely wrong. The three members of the away team came to an abrupt halt. Frozen, they stared at a gigantic, six foot, bipedal in front of them. Hoshi moved a little behind Archer. Trip stepped in front of her, his hand resting on his phaser. The creature stared at them through three watery, gray eyes. Each eye rested on a tiny stump shooting out of the middle of his face where his nose should have been. His mouth was small and catlike.
Archer stepped forward. "I'm Captain Archer from the starship Enterprise from the planet Earth. We are here on a peaceful mission. We came because of your distress signal. Hoshi?"
Hoshi lifted her translator as the creature began to speak.
"RRRR, rhhh." It growled, as it's stubby eyes swung from side to side watching.
Hoshi looked up at the creature in front of her.
"Well, Hoshi, what did it say?"
"So far, RRRR, rhhh."
Both men looked at her as if she had gone crazy.
"Well, that's what it said."
Archer looked frustrated. Trip grinned.
"Cap'n, I hate to say this but our friend there just lifted his leg and peed on the ground."
"Well, at least he's covering it up. That's not the welcome I thought we'd get." Captain Archer's face turned red. "A sandbox. We're standing in a sand box. Hoshi, please tell me I'm not talking to one of their pets."
Hoshi just smiled and shrugged. Trip smirked.
"Just think where we'd be standing if we weren't welcome."
Archer grimaced, rolled his blue eyes and shook his head. "It's going to be one of those days. I should have brought Porthos. Don't anyone dare tell Sub-Commander T'Pol or I'm tossing you both out of an airlock when we get back."
Chapter 2
They could hear the whisper of a bay door opening. Archer took a step forward. In his loudest voice, he called out, "I'm Captain Jonathan Archer from the starship Enterprise."
Hoshi was the first to notice the strong odor wafting over to her. It made her throat close up and her eyes sting until they watered. Rivulets began running down her face.
"Come on. It's okay. You don't have to be afraid. I'm here." Trip moved closer, comfortingly placing an arm about her. Suddenly, the stench almost knocked him off his feet.
Looking over to Archer, he saw the Captain cautiously raise his booted foot. He really stepped in it this time. Archer leaped backward trying to wipe his boot off in the sand, only to have the sand stick all over it.
A form approached, laboring with each step. The animal ran over to its master to receive a small pat on the head and then bounded off. As the being progressed, Captain Archer could only assess that the owner of this vessel was no more than five feet seven including the bulky EV suit it wore. Archer expected the suit to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment falling to the sand below. The icy atmosphere made the suit sparkle.
Trip kept his hand on his phaser, trying not to breathe more than absolutely necessary. The alien slowly lifted its thin hand and pulled up its visor. Its face was thin and hollow. Its black eyes were huge, like a child's doll. Its nose reminded Archer of a straw that ran sideways across its face. The mouth was a tiny slit.
Hoshi touched Archer's shoulder.
"Let's try this again. I'm . . ."
But he was interrupted by this wisp of a creature, which covered its straw- like nose with a gloved hand. "Captain Archer, I am pleased to meet you."
The alien seemed to take a deep breath, then its slit mouth turned downward. Slapping the visor down, gasps could be heard. "I'm sorry Captain Archer. I didn't realize you would have such a strong odor."
Trip leaned over and turned off the translator. "Cap'n, I hope it knows that you stink. The rest of us smell pretty good."
Archer shot Trip an exasperated look that told it all. Nothing seemed to work out for him today. Archer slumped his shoulders, while Hoshi turned the translator back on.
After taking a deep breath, the creature slowly raised its visor. It stared at the Captain, waiting, it seemed for his next move.
Archer shifted uncomfortably, trying to push his boot deep into the sand so it wouldn't smell so bad. "We are here to ... "
But he was interrupted again. "Captain Archer, it is indeed a pleasure to meet you. I am Erosha. I hope my pet did not scare you."
Archer gave Erosha a crooked smile. "No. I would like for you to meet my engineer, Commander Tucker." Trip gave Erosha a brilliant smile and a small nod. "And my communications officer, Hoshi Sato." Hoshi gave Erosha a trembling smile. Her lips had turned a light shade of blue.
Erosha took a slight step back. "Forgive me, you are cold. Please, if you follow me. I think you will find the rest of my vessel comfortable." Erosha turned and walked off followed by the away team.
As the doors to the bay opened, the group was hit by a blast of hot air. After the doors closed, Erosha slipped out of its EV suit. The thin body was covered by a gray sleeveless jumpsuit. There were no identification marks or patches visible. Captain Archer still couldn't tell if Erosha was a male or female. He concluded that Erosha must be female since the voice was high and childlike and the name itself sounded female.
Trip broke the silence. "I'd like to take a look at those engines and see what I'm getting myself into."
"Of course, Commander Tucker. It's right down this way, if you will follow me."
Descending into the vessel, Archer and Tucker noted the different designs and technologies. Erosha seemed to know what they where thinking as they gradually made their way to the engine room. "Captain, I couldn't help but notice the interest you have in my ship."
"It's quite unique. It looks like a patchwork from different cultures."
Erosha thin slit turned upward. "You are quite right. My people are merchants, Captain. This ship is a conglomeration of technologies, Klingon, Vulcan, Istarain and several others throughout. That is why I am finding it extremely difficult to repair my engines. I only hope your engineer can be of some assistance."
Erosha was as good as her word. The engine was a kaleidoscope of diverse designs. Wires and cables crisscrossed, many dangling, leading nowhere. While Archer learned more about Erosha, Trip was ready to scream and toss his tools out an air vent. After four hours, even his skill couldn't save the engines. Hell, he couldn't even explain how they worked in the first place. Everything was convoluted. He longed to be back onboard Enterprise with its orderly, clean engine room.
Hoshi had followed Erosha and the Captain through a maze of crates, parts, tools and practically anything imaginable. Archer was checking everything. Instead of seeing a virtual junkyard, he saw wonders. Warily watching for any creepy-crawly creature to make a sudden appearance, Hoshi was growing uncomfortable with Erosha's behavior toward the Captain. Erosha's bare arms, each covered with stubble-like hair, had a tendency to brush against Archer's hand, his arm, his back, and his uniform. There was something she didn't like about Erosha. She just couldn't place it. All Hoshi wanted to do was leave. Not out of fear but because of the disturbing feeling she was developing about this place and Erosha. She didn't like Erosha or trust her/him/it/whatever. Archer seemed too preoccupied, studying a Vulcan communications device, to observe the way Erosha looked at him or ran her forearm's stubble over him. Yuk.
Trip finally conceded defeat. Finding the Captain, he motioned him over. "I'm sorry, Cap'n, I can't tell heads from tails down there but it's a goner." Trip wiped his hands on a rag and stuffed it back into his pocket.
Archer turned to Erosha, to give her the bad news. "I'm sorry, but it seems that we can't help you with these engines. However you can contact your people from the Enterprise and have them rendezvous with us."
"I thank you, Captain. Tuz and I will accompany you to your ship, but we will have to hitch up a small craft for Tuz's litter box." Erosha added, "I can't leave him behind, he'll starve."
Archer frowned then nodded.
It wasn't long before Erosha along with Tuz were ready to leave. Erosha had only one small bundle with her. Archer was amazed at the lightweight craft that Trip, with Erosha's help, attached to the shuttle pod. It was tiny, more of a crate than anything else. The creature rambled in with just a flick of Erosha's hand.
They were heading to the shuttle's hatch when Hoshi detected a horrible stench drifting over to her. Erosha didn't say a word as she entered the shuttle. After everyone was boarded, the door began to close. Gasps and choking sounds were heard. An "Oh, Boy" was quickly followed by a sand- encrusted boot being thrown out the door, which was swiftly slammed shut.
Chapter 3
Archer took the pilot seat. It seemed to take forever to make it through the upper atmosphere.
Erosha leaned forward in her seat toward the Captain. She touched Archer's arm. "You are the lead male of your species, Captain Archer?" she enquired softly.
Trip leaned forward. "Yes, sirree that's our Captain for you, the lead dog."
Erosha looked questioning at him. "Dog?"
"Just an Earth saying. It means the main man," responded Trip.
Archer gave him a deadly look. "Trip."
Trip leaned back in his seat. Hoshi communicated back to the Enterprise that Erosha and her pet had accompanied them. At the word pet, Jonathan looked back at Hoshi and gave her a wicked smile. He wondered how T'Pol was going to take the news of a pet. His mind shifted to T'Pol. He could almost see her running to Phlox for a nasal inhibitor at the mention of the word pet. Hoshi gave the Captain a quizzical look. He slowly turned around in his pilot's seat, with a grin gracing his handsome face. With T'Pol sidetracked by the pet, she wasn't going to ask too many questions of him or about his missing boot. At least he wouldn't look like a complete idiot in front of her. Jonathan was so busy with the controls and trying to outsmart T'Pol, he failed to notice as Erosha moved into the copilot seat beside him. It was only when she started a whiny humming and began rubbing his upper arm that he looked at her.
Seeing Erosha's thin lips approaching his, Archer recoiled from her. She was clinging to him like a wet blanket. Rubbing her hairy forearm repeatedly over his skin, removing the first two layers. Archer started to look forward to meeting T'Pol. He knew she'd say something to dampen the touchy-feely Erosha. In the background, he could hear Trip laughing and Hoshi's low verbal negatives about men in general.
"Erosha, I think you should sit back if you don't mind. I can't fly with this distraction." Archer lowered his eyes to her forearm. She tentatively moved away. Jonathan breathed a sigh of relief as she returned to her seat next to Trip. Trip eyed her suspiciously as she moved her forearm close to his and slowly slid his uniform sleeve back to expose his wrist. Trip pulled his hand away and looked at Erosha. Her eyes were huge. Trip pointed over to Hoshi. "My wife doesn't like other women touching me."
Hoshi looked at him, frowned and shook her head.
"Oh." said Erosha as she backed away.
Pointing at the Captain, Trip added "Now the Captain there, his woman is a Vulcan by the name of T'Pol. It's amazing she let him out of her sight this long."
Hoshi groaned and lowered her head to her upraised hand.
Archer shifted in his chair uncomfortably. The thought of Erosha running that stubble up and down his arm and ripping off his skin wasn't appealing. Neither was the thought that she would think humans were liars. The worst thought was fighting her off once they got aboard the Enterprise. It could result in serious difficulties between the two races. It was better just to play along. "Trip, what have I told you about talking that way about my wife. She doesn't control me." Archer said hoping it would discourage any further advances from Erosha.
"Your woman is a Vulcan?" Erosha's sounded surprised. "And you have survived Pon Farr? You must have great stamina, Captain Archer. I will talk to your woman to see if she would lend you out. I am very impressed."
Hoshi burst out laughing. "I think it's a great idea that you talk to Mrs. Archer about her husband." Hoshi stressed the word husband. "I can't believe you guys, not at all. Ever heard the words 'not interested'?" She whispered under her breath.
Archer groaned as his head sank onto his chest. He should have told Erosha the truth even though he knew it wouldn't have stopped her. T'Pol. Trip couldn't have picked anyone else, oh no. Why should anything be easy? Now all he needed to do was tell T'Pol that until Erosha left the Enterprise, she was to consider herself Mrs. Archer. As they neared the Enterprise, Archer had to do something. "Erosha, T'Pol and I don't show any physical displays of affection in public."
Erosha tilted her head. "I completely understand. Neither does your engineer or his mate. Our species also does the same during trading. We are divided until trading ends. Trading is first and foremost."
It wasn't long until the shuttle was pulled aboard the Enterprise. Archer breathed a sigh of relief. It didn't last long. Assisting Erosha out of the shuttle, Archer noticed T'Pol standing there. Staring at both of them. Exiting the shuttle, Hoshi turned slightly and stopped Trip by placing her hand on his chest. Both watched Captain Archer and Erosha walk toward T'Pol.
Chapter 4
T'Pol was the perfect, stoic Vulcan as Archer approached with Erosha. He was hoping, vainly, to brush past her. Unfortunately, Erosha stopped right in front of T'Pol. Archer tried to move her along by pressing his hand on her back but she didn't budge. Archer shook his head in resignation. "Erosha, this is Sub-Commander T'Pol."
"Sub-Commander, this is Erosha."
Neither woman tried to shake the other's hand, but Jonathan had known they wouldn't. Erosha broke the silence by turning to Archer. "So, this is your mate, Captain Archer? Not bad looking for a Vulcan."
Archer fleetingly wished he could disappear or drop dead. He managed in a weak voice, his blue eyes staring into T'Pol's dark ones, "Yes, this is Mrs. Archer."
T'Pol said nothing but her eyes traveled over them, making Archer feel like a bug being pined to Styrofoam in one of his science classes. T'Pol's eyes rested on his bootless foot which Archer was unsuccessfully attempting to hide behind his booted one. Finally, T'Pol looked deeply into Archer's eyes. "Captain, after we get Erosha settled, I will escort you to see Phlox. Do you recall him? I think that he could help you. It is abnormal for humans to suffer."
He had to shut her up. Archer did the first thing that came to mind. He grabbed T'Pol and kissed her. Damn, she had soft lips. If she was going to kill him after this, he was at least going to give it his all and enjoy it. He was surprised she didn't put up any resistance. When he pulled away, after a good ten minutes, he heard Trip whistle.
Hoshi whispered, "Oh, my. Trip, why can't you do that? Is it because we've been married so long?" She giggled.
Erosha only watched, her thin lips curved up.
T'Pol's eyebrow went up. Before Archer could whisk Erosha away, she said. "Captain, because of this display I am forced to relieve ... "
He grabbed her again and gave her another kiss. This one hard and fast. "Darling, you know that every time you open that beautiful mouth of yours I just have to kiss you." He gave her a little boy's smile and a wink.
T'Pol, who was about to say something, pressed her lips tightly together. Letting Archer and Erosha pass her, her dark eyes bored into his back as she followed behind them. They passed the medical bay as Archer led Erosha to the visitor's quarters. T'Pol detoured into sickbay and found Dr. Phlox there.
"Doctor, I believe Captain Archer is suffering from an illness or dementia."
Phlox raised his hand. "Tell me what makes you think this."
"He is under the impression we are married and kissed me twice. Further, he is not completely attired. He is walking around in one boot," she stated.
"You let him live?" laughed Phlox.
"This is not funny. Captain Archer has momentarily lost his reason. I need to know if he is still capable of commanding the Enterprise," she stated firmly.
"I need to examine him before I can make a diagnosis. If he is running around in one boot and saying you're his wife, there must be a problem or the man has a death wish," added Phlox.
"He will be here within the next 12 minutes."
"If you can get him here." He frowned.
"He has no choice." T'Pol swung around and exited sickbay. Striding purposefully down the ship's interior, she saw Captain Archer talking to Erosha, Trip and Hoshi outside of the guest room. She waited until the guest room door slid closed.
Captain Archer turned uneasily to Trip. "She's here, isn't she?"
"Yes. Maybe we should go check out those engines, Cap'n," Trip spoke loud enough for T'Pol to hear as she approached the small group.
Hoshi shook her head. "You guys are chicken. Just tell her what you idiots came up with." She said in a quiet voice.
He heard T'Pol before he saw her and closed his eyes tightly. Taking a deep breath, he waited.
"Captain, you will come with me." Her voice cut through him like a knife. He didn't turn around to face her.
"I'm busy, T'Pol. Can't this wait?"
Erosha's door whisked open in time to catch Archer words.
"It can't, Captain. I need your attention now." T'Pol's voice sunk an octave.
Archer turned, only to see Erosha. He smiled and rolled his eyes. "That's why there can't be anything between us Erosha." He tossed a look over his shoulder at T'Pol. "She just can't get enough of me."
"Captain, I said I will not wait. This is important. I need your attention now," she ordered.
Captain Jonathan Archer turned around. "It will have to wait."
T'Pol stepped closer to Archer, placed her hand between his shoulder and neck and nerve-pinched him.
Trip, Hoshi and Erosha watched in amazement as T'Pol leaned under the falling Captain and allowed him to land on her shoulder. She stood, carrying an unconscious Jonathan and headed towards sickbay.
Trip could hardly breathe. "Boy, when she wants it now, she's not kidding."
Hoshi hit him in the ribs with her elbow. '"We better follow them so she doesn't kill him."
Erosha commented, "Your sensuality is contagious. You can even make a Vulcan horny."
Trip was about to say something but Hoshi garbed his arm and bolted down the hallway with him in tow.
As Erosha's door closed, she smiled. "We are going to make a fortune."
Chapter 5
Jonathan awoke with the worst headache he could ever remember. It felt as if someone was pushing pins through his brain. The last thing he remembered was T'Pol coming up to him. Then he woke up here. Before opening his eyes, he could hear Phlox and T'Pol arguing.
"Sub-Commander, I am telling you right now there are no drugs in his system. No infections. No alien traces. No allergies. No brain lesions. Everything is normal." Phlox's voice sounded fatigued.
"Then it is an unknown substance or a mental defect that you are not equipped to decipher," she declared, her voice steady.
With every word uttered, Jonathan felt a sharp pain stab through his brain. Cautiously, he opened his eyes.
"Captain, good to see you among the living. Can I ask you some questions?" quizzed Phlox.
Archer just nodded his head yes.
"Are you Captain Jonathan Archer?"
Archer nodded his head yes.
"Is Sub-Commander T'Pol your wife?"
Archer found his voice. "No, right now she brig material." He growled out.
Phlox turned to T'Pol. "Either your nerve-pinch brought him back to reality or else he has some explaining to do."
Hoshi stepped out of the shadows dragging a reluctant Trip with her. "Sub- Commander, I think these two have some explaining to do."
Archer grumbled under his breath. "Trip did it. It's all his fault."
T'Pol looked at both of them. "Explain?"
Neither spoke.
Finally, Hoshi nervously said, "When we were in the shuttle, Erosha was hanging all over the Captain. When he told her to sit back in the passenger area, she started with Trip. He told her that I was his wife and you were married to Jon, I mean Captain Archer. It seemed to cool her heels." Hoshi shook her head knowing that T'Pol wouldn't understand the human phase. "She stopped chasing them."
Archer gave T'Pol a lame smile.
T'Pol dismissed both Trip and Archer. "Hoshi, explain why the Captain was without his boot?"
Hoshi started to laugh, "I promised I wouldn't tell, but it's really stupid and explainable."
T'Pol eyed Archer as she came up to his bedside. "It seems Captain that I can not let you out of my sight without you getting yourself into trouble, mostly with females of any species. "
"T'Pol, I'm sorry. I can make this up to you. She attacked me. Wait a minute. You attacked me too. What is it with you women?"
Hoshi was the one to answer that question, "Stupid men."
Archer ignored her. "Sub-Commander, if you could just play the part in front of her till she's picked up by her own people, I promise I won't toss you in the brig for assaulting a superior officer."
T'Pol looked straight ahead. "No touching, no kissing, no saying 'Darling' and no having her pet around me."
Her pet. Archer groaned. He forgot her pet with everything that was going on. He could just imagine the smell when they opened up that cage.
Of course, Trip couldn't keep his mouth shut. "How about you, wife?" Trip asked as he brought Hoshi's hand to his lips and kissed it.
She looked over towards T'Pol. "No touching, no kissing, no saying 'Darling' and no pet. That thing stinks to high heaven."
Trip looked at the prone figure of Archer who was holding his head. "Well Cap'n, it looks like we both married Vulcans, except mine didn't knock me out and carry me over her shoulder to sick bay."
Jonathan only frowned. "Yep. But mine's a great kisser, maybe a little more physical then I wanted but you can't have everything. T'Pol, we have to have a long talk about knocking out your Captain and carrying him around. We are going to discuss what you did to me." Another wave of pain hit him. "Doc, can you give me something for this headache? T'Pol, I can't believe you didn't give me time to explain. You should know me by now." He sounded hurt.
"Captain, you did not explain. You could have needed medical attention. My only thought was for your safety and the safety of the Enterprise." She stopped for a minute and seemed to be thinking before she spoke. "I will play the part of Mrs. Archer to Erosha. I regret nerve-pinching you."
He couldn't believe she could regret anything. Well, he thought as he closed his eyes, waiting for Phlox to give him something for his headache, his science officer was full of surprises. He wondered briefly if kissing her was worth a headache. He smiled. Oh, yes, most definitely. He felt a prick on his shoulder, slowly his headache dissipated.
It had been a long day. All he wanted to do was sleep, but Archer knew there was too much to do. Meet with Erosha, check her pet, contact someone from her planet to pick her up, set up a meeting place. Hopefully everything would return to normal. He had fallen into Murphy's Law 'Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong' or something similar. So far, he had tried to communicate with a pet, stepped in it twice, been felt up by a female alien who ripped off at least two layers of skin, experienced a nerve-pinch induced migraine and had his first officer call him demented. It had to get better; it couldn't possibly get any worse.
He must have fallen asleep. When he next opened his eyes, his headache had disappeared. The lights in the medical bay were dim and he was alone. He debated whether he should get up or just go back to sleep. He closed his eyes and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke to the sounds of people milling about. Most were complaining about burning eyes and throats. Dr. Phlox seemed to have his hands full. Trip came over and sat down on the side of Archer's bed.
As Archer forced himself upright, he asked, "Trip, what the hell is going on here?"
"Well, Cap'n after you fell asleep, T'Pol wouldn't let us wake you. She called Erosha's people to come pick her up. Against T'Pol's objections, Erosha's pet was released. The stench immediately knocked out two of our guys. Two-thirds of the crew are sick. Doc says it's from the smell so he's giving all the crew nasal inhibitors. The only one not affected is T'Pol. The Doc thinks its because she already had one. He got you while you were sleeping. Oh, the cook wants to talk with you. It seems that Erosha's pet was hungry. He made it to the kitchen and we're all vegetarians now. Boy, does he have a bone to pick with you. T'Pol wants Erosha and her pet spaced. Hoshi is trying to convince the Istarains to pick Erosha up early but they're in the middle of trade negotiations. Erosha's pet tried to hump T'Pol's leg. T'Pol fed and watered Porthos who also tried to hump her leg. It's a real zoo out there."
Archer groaned, "Maybe I should just go back to bed."
Chapter 6
Archer had to drag himself out of bed. God, his head ached. It had started again. It wasn't a T'Pol headache, but a 'Look what I get to deal with now' headache. He clicked off in his mind the steps he'd have to take. One. Get Erosha's pet secure. He asked, "Trip, have they caught Erosha's pet?"
"In a way. He's trapped in the food storage area," answered Trip.
Jonathan closed his eyes tightly and re-opened them. "Here's what I want you to do. Run all the air purifiers full blast. Get Erosha in my ready room. Tell Sub-Commander T'Pol I need her now. I'll be in my cabin."
"Cap'n, the Sub-Commander is changing right now, after everything that's happened."
"Trip, I don't care if she's naked. I want my wife in my quarters now," he seethed. His head was throbbing.
Trip stopped. He felt like he was moving in slow motion. *My wife* Peering at his friend, he knew it had been an unconscious slip. I'll be damned, Trip thought to himself. Just like his friend to reach for the seemingly unattainable. Trip knew, like the Enterprise, Jon wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted. No matter how impossible it seemed.
Jonathan stepped on the floor, only to realize he still only had on one boot, an unwelcome reminder of everything that had happened within the last 48 hours. "Damn it, Trip. I have to get some boots," grumbled Archer.
The room was jammed with crewmembers waiting in line to receive nasal inhibitors. The hallway was almost as bad, crewmembers scrambling about, congesting the small corridor. Trip was a few steps in front of Archer as they exited sickbay. They were maneuvering through the crowd, when Trip abruptly collided with a container, knocking it over. Trip stumbled and threw his arms out. Archer stopped in time to watch Trip slide on the wet, brown corridor floor and land on his rear. His flailing arms made the brown goop spurt everywhere.
Archer couldn't help but grin. For once this week, it wasn't him. He held out his hand hoping to help Trip up, only to be jostled from behind. He pitched face forward and landed in the gunk. As Archer looked up with a face full of goo, it was Trip's turn to laugh. Archer wiped the slime from his face. As he did, he noticed the smell. It was ground meat. They had gone down in pureed meat.
As Archer regained his footing and Trip struggled to stand, they were met by a furious chef carrying a knife, bucket and large ladle.
"Captain, I want a word with you. How do you expect me to cook like this?" He shrieked swinging the knife haphazardly. "There I am, preparing the most wonderful roast. Tenderly basted in its own broth, so it melts in your mouth. Then this hairy ape-like thing burst through the door, wrecked my kitchen and sucked down my roast, pan and all. I beat it with my spoon. It tossed me aside and broke my favorite spoon, the only wooden one on this can. I can't work like this. It's uncivilized!" he started to cry. "Now, you've ruined the only meat we had that that monster didn't contaminate. Do you realize it destroyed my kitchen, devoured my roast and demolished everything in the food storage area except this container? How it missed this one I have no idea. Then You," he pointed at Archer, "and You," he pointed at Trip, "decided to play in it. Almost a hundred people aboard and you two roll in it. This is intolerable."
Archer shrugged.
Trip looked at the ladle and bucket and then down to the floor.
"You were going to feed us this?"
"You act like barbarians, you should eat like barbarians. We have a roast- stealing, spoon-breaking ape carousing the ship. I'm surrounded by savages," wailed the tearful chef.
Erosha's pet sprinted down the corridor. Knocking everyone out of its way, it slammed the chef into both the Captain and Trip, sending them all back into the mess. The chef was the first one up, he dropped the bucket and ladle and went chasing after Erosha's pet, brandishing the knife and screaming at the top of his lungs, '"Ahhhhhaaaa, you ate my roast, you spoon-breaking pervert."
"I guess it's not in the storage area anymore," pronounced a tired Trip.
"Trip, I'm going to take a shower. Send everyone you can after him. I don't want to find myself eating Erosha's pet in the morning. And, Trip, get cleaned up." Archer said as he forced himself back up. He shook both his hands causing pieces of meat to fall to the floor. As Archer arrived at his cabin door, ready for a nice clean shower, a party of crewmembers ran past him carrying their phasers. T'Pol. A fleeting thought passed through his mind as Archer screamed out to the running crewmen, "Only stun!" He watched as several crewmembers stopped dead in their tracks resetting their phasers. Archer shook his head. That's what you get for humping her leg. 'Oh My God, Porthos.' She wouldn't, not sweet, innocent, little Porthos. Archer rushed into his cabin.
Chapter 7
It felt glorious to shed his soiled uniform and shower, Archer thought as the first drops of water hit him. He had just rinsed off and was starting to shampoo his hair when the water stopped. It was one of those days. He just wanted to scream. Archer wrapped a towel around his waist, stepped out of the shower and hit the communicator on the wall. "Trip, my shower."
"I heard you, Captain, I'll have the water running in a few minutes," answered Trip. "Hoshi informed me that T'Pol is on her way."
Archer took another towel and wiped down his hair, trying in vain to get all the soap out. He had almost succeeded, when he heard the outer door to his quarters open. He cautiously opened the bathroom door and stuck his head out.
There stood Sub-Commander T'Pol. He wondered how she always looked calm, cool during any situation. She was dressed in a gray jumpsuit that clung to her body like a second skin. There was a closure in the front but it was unzipped revealing the hollow of her breasts. She stood in the middle of his cabin hands behind her back.
Archer started to tell her he'd be out in a minute when Porthos jumped off the bed and approached her. Archer flew out of the bathroom and eased his dog away from her leg. He looked up into her eyes. He felt naked under her gaze. He abruptly realized his towel had fallen to the floor in his attempt to restrain Porthos. He scooped it up, hurriedly wrapping it around his waist, covering his manhood. Damn. If he looked any longer at his science officer, he could just hang the towel from it. Archer could feel his face grow hot. Great, that's all she needs, Archer reflected, to think that I'm going to hump her leg.
Luckily for him, T'Pol was still gazing at his chest as she began speaking. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"
"In a minute."
Archer backed towards the bathroom, careful not to lose his hold on the towel. After safely making it inside, he closed the door. Leaning against it to compose himself, he realized he had left his top and uniform jacket on his bed. Oh well, at least he had his pants. He grabbed his underwear to dress, when the shower came back on. Dropping his underwear, he quickly stepped into the shower and washed the rest of the soap out of his hair. Still dripping, he pulled on his clean underwear and uniform pants before stepping out to confront T'Pol.
He couldn't help but notice that T'Pol's eyes kept falling to his chest. "Sub-Commander, before we get down to business, is there something you want to ask me? You seemed distracted."
Her eyes traveled to his face. "Captain, Vulcan men do not have hair on their chests. It is unsettling," she revealed, her voice not as sure as it had been earlier.
Archer crossed to his bed and grabbed his top. Raising it to insert his head, T'Pol's voice stopped him.
"May I ask what you want to talk to me about?"
Archer lowered his hands and crossed over to her. "A report would be nice, T'Pol."
"Captain, my report is as follows. Due to your ordeal, you required sleep. I took control of the Enterprise. At 0400 hours a Klingon vessel approached, communication was exchanged and we convinced them to leave. During this time, the creature was let out of its cage, despite my vehement objections. Most of the crew fell ill within 23 minutes. The creature had an unfortunate encounter with the chef and then located the food storage area. I requested Erosha's presence but the creature did not respond to her verbal commands. It tried to acquaint itself with my leg with unsatisfactory results. I ordered it be contained within the storage compartment. Dr. Phlox informed me that the crew was suffering from a chemical odor emitting from the creature. He believed a nasal inhibitor would relieve these problems. I instructed all afflicted personnel to report to sickbay. I fed and watered your dog, which also attempted to become acquainted with my leg. The creature escaped the food storage area and resumed its exploration of the ship. I ordered the creature be stunned or killed for the good of the crew. I was bathing when Hoshi informed me that you wished to speak with me in your quarters immediately."
"Have you communicated with Erosha's people yet?"
"Due to unforeseen circumstances, they broke off their negotiations early. After a message from Erosha was sent, they requested we rendezvous in three days. I plotted the course." T'Pol handed Archer the data pad she had held behind her.
He looked it over twice and set it down. "What would I do without you, T'Pol?"
"Based on statistically projected outcomes, you would have failed without me, Captain," she stated matter-of-factly.
Archer smiled. That was his officer, a true self-important Vulcan deigning to assist the poor helpless Humans. The hardest thing for Archer to admit was she was right. He didn't know what he'd do without her.