Disclaimer: I am not J.K Rowling, if I were, I would certainly be spending my time lazing on a sunny beach, sipping tropical drinks with little paper umbrellas on them, and working on my tan.
This is my fanfic. Not yours. A few things you will find in here are craziness, whackiness and a lot of homosexual activity. I don't put graphic sex scenes in here because my last fanfiction got deleted because they exceeded R rating (does that tell you anything lol?) Anyways, if you're the kind of person who reads these for the written porn, look elsewhere. This fanfiction doesn't make alot of sense because it's NOT a serious fanfiction. It's just an "I'm bored and want to screw around and read something interesting" fanfiction. Also this is a slash fanfic (male/male female/female) relationships. If you're not comfortable with those sorts of things I'd suggest you get acquainted with Mr. Back Button. Otherwise, you'll probably like this fanfiction very much.
Enjoy!
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It was a warm August day and Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world, Champion of Gryffindor, Albus Dumbledore's Golden Boy, and rumoured Hogwarts Sex God was idly staring out the window towards the setting sun. Today had been the first day of School for his seventh year and he was oddly depressed. Suicidal depressed? No. More like, ' I can't believe I'm the only one in the world without a girlfriend' depressed. He was watching as Ron and Hermione chased each other around the grounds, playing. Just as he had been watching when they embraced each other 'oh-so-romantically when he had went to the Burrow at the beginning of the summer.
It wasn't that he wasn't happy for them, because he was. It was just that he hadn't realized until then how much he longed for female companionship. He was confused. He thought he liked Cho Chang. He did like her, but then they got in the bedroom, and Harry found that he was very turned off by having sex with her. He grimaced at the thought of losing his virginity with someone who was very unpleasing in that department. Then there had been that VERY brief thing between him and Hermione. Boy did that work out even worse. His sexual experiences with that witch where enough to put him off dating for a while.
Then there had been Ginny, (Harry had nailed that down to their age difference.) and then Lavender (that was over before it had started.) and then Parvarti (even shorter than with Lavendar) and then finally there had been Luna Lovegood, which was the worst mistake he ever made.
Harry began to wonder if there was something wrong with him. How could all of those girls have done the wrong thing in bed? Harry had a feeling they weren't doing the wrong thing, that it was him.
But what on earth was it!
Just then Seamus burst into the room. "Hey Harry mate, whatch ya doin'?"
"Hi Seamus." Harry said lazily, still staring out the window.
"It's a fine day outside 'Arry, why you lookin so glum for?"
Harry sighed. "Dunno." Seamus walked up behind him a little too close and whispered in his ear. "Love problems Harry? I could fix tha'." and with a slow, long, movement, licked Harry's ear.
Harry immediatlely jumped back and faced Seamus. "Seamus! What the hell was that!" Harry wiped his ear repeatedly. Seamus giggled. "You sure are one to be daft to when you're being hit on Harry." Harry turned pink. "Seamus, I'm not gay. And besides, stuff like that isn't allowed anyways."
"Not allowed? Now who told ya tha' Harry? Being gay is totally normal in our world." Seamus laughed.
"It is?" Harry gaped.
"Of course." Seamus winked at Harry suggestively.
"No Seamus, even if that's true, I am still not gay."
Seamus looked ghastly disappointed and stalked out of the room. "Suit yourself."
He closed the door behind him.
" Or am I?" Harry said to nothingness.
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On the other side of the castle in Slytherin territory, one disappointed little dragon sulked. "When will he get it through his thick head that I will not marry the Parkinson's chic?" Draco said to Blaise, holding a letter from his father.
"Didn't you tell him you were gay?" Blaise asked. "Of course! Years ago and loads of times! He just doesn't get it!" Draco threw up his hands exasperated. "He's still bent on me marrying Pansy's older sister, who by the way is 20 and more lesbian than her own name. Lessbie."
Blaise frowned. "Why won't he have you marry Pansy?"
Draco looked aghast.
" Because you fuckwit, that would make this fanfiction just like all the others!" Blaise looked sheepish. "Oh yeah...well I guess it would."
"He says that even if I am gay, I'm going to have to start swinging the other way because I have Malfoy duties that do not involve having a huge crush on Gryffindors and that-" Blaise cut him off,
"He knows you have a crush on Harry!" Blaise looked surprised.
"Yeah, well I had to tell him something. He says in this letter, that if I don't act on my 'silly infatuation' than I will DEFINITELY be marrying Lessbie this summer."
"That's harsh." Blaise said, sitting down.
"Yes it is and get off my bed this instant!" Draco snapped without turning around. Blaise jumped up and brushed himself slipping Draco the bird on his way to his own bed. "I saw that." Draco said busily gelling his hair in the mirror.
"Oh honestly, why don't you just ask Potter out. You'd better do it fast too, because that boy has no idea how hot he really is. And with the new Queer movement, he will be getting hit on by girls and guys alike.
Draco frowned. Blaise had a point. Ever since the new Queer movement, where the press released some shocking info on how it was safer to be a homosexual than hetero, because of some new found disease or infection created when penis and vagina met, it seemed everyone had suddenly become an out of the closet homo. Harry's chances of being hit on had greatly improved.
Of course, Draco had been gay, waaaay before the Queer movement.
Draco was feeling much more insecure. He was the hottest guy in school, as well as the richest, most charming, and second in academics only to Granger. He really had nothing to feel insecure about. He would have NO problem asking Harry out...IF... he hadn't previously made said wizard's life living hell, treated his friends like total and complete shit, ruined his reputation, gotten him into trouble, insulted and humiliated him and most of all he wasn't even sure if Harry was gay.
He sighed, then smirked. Since when has Draco Malfoy, Slytherin Ice Prince of Darkness, evil and maniacal, rumoured to work for Voldemort, Never been beaten at anything that involved darkness, more gay than a guy wearing stillettos going to a Britney Spears concert ever turned down a challenge? Never.
' Potter, maybe you aren't gay, but I can promise you I will make you gay and I will make you mine. You can beat me at Quidditch, and maybe even at Charms, but you won't even see it coming what I have in store for you young man. Draco Malfoy does not get told no. I am flaming for you."
And with that, Draco turned on his heels to send a letter to his Mother for more spending money so he could buy a new wardrobe.
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Far down another part of the castle, but not so far from Draco, another wizard was making a similiar vow to the Gryffindor.
He sipped wine from a glass and toyed with it in his mouth.
"You are so mine Potter. Once you come of age, you're finished. In for it. I am going to be on you like butter on toast, like...like ketchup on fries, like salt on a pretzel, like the brown freckle at the base of your neck..."
The man was lost in his fantasy of the Potter boy and what happens when he turns seventeen...
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"Ron! Hurry up! We have to get inside and shag like bunnies!" Hermione whined.
"I'm..I'm hurrying Hermione. Gods, what bloody stamina you have!"
"All the better to shag you with my dear," she said as she led him into another one of her mind blowing kisses.
"Ronald Weasley you are about to receive the shag of your life." Hermione said as she led him into her Head Girl dorm.
"Can I get my broom out first?" he squeaked and everything else was lost in ecstacy.
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' Could I really be gay?' the black haired, green eyed Gryffindor lay on his bed thinking.
'How does anyone really know anyways?' Harry wondered. ' I think I'm going to find out.'
So Harry pulled out his laptop computer he had brought with him, (yes, Dumbledore changed the "no electronics" rule cause it was stupid anyways) and went to his favorite butler engineered search engine. "Jeeves, help me out here man." he said as he typed in 'How do I know if I'm really gay?" and hit the 'Ask' button.
He got the normal rate of pop-ups as well as some ones that were not so innocent, but basically he found out general information on a 'Queer movement' website.
How to tell if you're gay.
Simple.
If you're gay, then you like boys.
And also, anytime you have sex with girls, you get grossed out.
And also your parents hate you and the neighbors sometimes through dildos on your front porch.
But thats pretty much it.
Have a nice life homo!
"Oh my god, I'm GAY!" Harry yelled and exited the website.
He ran down the hallway screaming "I'm going to lasso me a man!" and conjured a rope to go along with the theme. Everyone standing in the corridor looked shocked and slightly appalled before Harry realized what he was doing. Blushing, Harry responded to the onlookers "And yes people, that was an exert from a Broadway play entitled " Oh my fucking Jesus, I'm a cocksucker." Buy tickets!"
And with that Harry waved them off and went back to his dormitory to sulk and cry.
"Well that was weird." said Dean talking to Seamus.
"Yeah it was."
"Hmm. must be some sort of muggle thing." said Dean.
"Yeah it was." said Seamus.
"I wonder what kind of muggle thing would make him do that though."
"Yeah it was." said Seamus.
"Seamus, are you listening to me?"
"Yeah it was." said Seamus.
"Oh my gosh, Seamus, I know he's a looker, but he's not queer, so get over it."
"Yeah he was." said Seamus.
Dean sighed.
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Well that's it for my first installment. There's a little purple button down in the corner that you are more than welcome to push. I'd like to know what you think. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Chapter 2 will be up soon.
Blessed Be!
Authoress: Gee it's really lonely out here...