Title: One Day and No Nights
Rating: PG (for language and some mild crude humor)
Summary: Shore leave! Hoshi and T'Pol enjoy some girly bonding, Archer
explores a cheese factory, and Trip and Reed run around in their
underpants.
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the ideas are. I really
appreciate feedback, so please review!
Setting: the Bridge. Everyone is at their stations, fidgeting, except for Archer, who is sitting contentedly in his chair.
ARCHER: You know, ever since I made Trip install my special heinie-heater and nonalcoholic-beverage-holder, I've been looking forward to my shift more and more.
TRIP: That's great, sir.
ARCHER: I've been thinking of more ways to make my post more comfortable.
REED: How much more comfortable can you get, sir? You've got pillows, a footrest, cup holders, a.heinie-heater [smothers a giggle], and you've even got a manicurist! [gestures to the girl that is crouched at Archer's bare feet with an emery board]
TRIP: Hey! Why don't I get my own manicurist? I work harder than you do, Cap'n!
ARCHER: [whispers] I think you'd better go now, Nancy, the plebs are getting resentful. [Nancy smiles and scurries away]
REED: Sorry, sir, but we've been going for quite a while now without a break. We *were* gonna have a break, but then we had to take the Vulcan lady home. [glares at T'Pol]
T'POL: The 'Vulcan lady' had a name, Lieutenant.
REED: Well, yeah, but I don't know what it was. I *protect*, T'Pol, I don't *care* - there's a difference.
T'POL: I see. [sticks her tongue out and makes a pig nose when Reed turns away]
ARCHER: Wait.we had shore leave on Risa, didn't we?
TRIP: [loudly] Did we?
REED: I don't remember that. [eyes dart back and forth]
MAYWEATHER: Sir, there's an incoming transmission from a planet a little ways away from here.
ARCHER: On sc-
TRIP: 'A little ways away'? Is that the best you can do, Travis?
MAYWEATHER: Don't blame me! You guys never let me do anything important! It's always, "Hold the wrench while I fix the ship, Travis," or "Get me a drink while I save the day, Travis," or "Run and play while I talk to the nice aliens, Travis." I never get to do anything or go anywhere, so how the *heck* do you expect me to know the units we use to measure distance? [realizes he's been stalking around and shouting, and sits back down quietly]
REED: That was intense.
ARCHER: Yeah. On sc-
HOSHI: Hey, wait a minute! Trav-is! That's *my* job! You're taking *my* job! I talk to people; you just fly the stupid ship. [turns to Archer and yells] Captain! There's an incoming transmission! Shall I put it on screen?
ARCHER: Sure. [sticks finger in the ear Hoshi yelled in]
HOSHI: On screen, sir. [smiles snootily at Travis, who "Humph"s]
[An alien in a Hawaiian shirt and large sunglasses appears onscreen. He's holding what looks like a margarita with a tiny umbrella in the cup in one hand.]
ZAM: Greetings!
ARCHER: [is still picking in his ear]
ZAM: [a little less enthusiastically] Greetings, my fellow space travelers!
ARCHER: [examines something he dug out of his ear] Well, I'll be! I wonder how that got in there.
TRIP: [loudly] Cap'n!
ARCHER: Huh? Oh. [wipes finger on Nancy, who has returned and is buffing his fingernails. Nancy frowns.]
ZAM: Welcome to the Arthrida galaxy! I am Zam of the planet Mox! You are?
ARCHER: I'm Johnny.
REED: Captain, what have we discussed?
ARCHER: Oh yeah. [puffs up chest] I'm Captain Jonathan Archer and I've got a big-ass ship, so don't try anything funny, pal.
REED: [pleased] Better!
ZAM: Uh, right. Anyway, I'm the leader of the vacation resort on Mox, and, if you don't mind me saying, you look like you need a vacation! Well, Mox is just the place for you!
TRIP: Hey, you look sorta familiar, Blam!
ZAM: Zam. [eyes dart from side to side] What do you mean?
MAYWEATHER: Aw, yeah, I see it too! [thinks for a minute] You look *just* like the Coneheads from Saturday Night Live! [rolls eyes] What, did the makeup guy run out of ideas again?
ZAM: [fidgets] I don't know what you're talking about. [coughs] Anyway, come to Mox! We've got beaches, casinos, spas, resorts, anything your heart desires! Because here on Mox [two female aliens in bikinis pose on either side of him], our motto is 'All Sun and All Fun - All the Time!' [confetti sprays into the air and the bikini-ed aliens cheer and dance around]
ARCHER: We'll have to get back to you on that, Zam.
FEMALE ALIEN: [coyly] I hope you decide to come, Captain. [winks and jiggles her chest]
ARCHER: [mouth open] Yeeeees.
T'POL: We'll get back to you within the hour. [hits a button and the screen goes blank]
ARCHER: Why'd you make the pretty alien lady go away?
TRIP and REED: Yeah!
HOSHI: [rolls eyes] Men.
T'POL: [scoffs] Obviously implants. [Trip stares pointedly at her] Excuse me? These are the real deal, brother, and don't you forget it! [snaps fingers a few times in Trip's face]
ARCHER: So, what do you guys think?
TRIP: I'm in! Malcolm and I have been waiting for another chance to get shot down by a whole new species of females! [claps hands]
ARCHER: Hoshi? T'Pol?
HOSHI: Sounds great to me. Oh! T'Pol! [squeals] We can go to a spa and have a girly day!
T'POL: Would this 'girly day' require me to be near you?
HOSHI: Such a jokester! [giggles and throws arms around T'Pol, who rolls her eyes]
ARCHER: So it's decided! It's off to Mox!
MAYWEATHER: YES!
ARCHER: Except for you, Travis, you have to stay here.
MAYWEATHER: WHAT?
ARCHER: Aw, just joshin'!
MAYWEATHER: Huh?
ARCHER: [folds hands] Actually, Travis, I wasn't joking. We need you here.
MAYWEATHER: WHY?
HOSHI: [whispers] Try some two-syllable words, Travis. [Travis flips her off]
ARCHER: Just in case no good stories develop on the planet, we need you here for a C-plotline.
MAYWEATHER: Da-amn!
REED: Awww! Travis said a cussy!
MAYWEATHER: [gets out wallet] This is just not my day! [drops a dollar into a jar marked "The Bridge Cussy Jar"]
ARCHER: Hoshi, call Zam and tell him we'll beam down tomorrow!
HOSHI: But Captain! We never use the transporter unless there's an emergency! Why are we using it now?
ARCHER: [looks stumped for a minute] Because I'm Captain and I say so!
[The next day, the crew assembles in the transporter room.]
PHLOX: Now, you've all got immunizations against nearly every known disease, but use caution anyway. [to Trip and Reed, who are wearing matching leis] I don't think I need to tell you gentlemen that we know nothing about the sexually transmitted diseases of these people. [titters]
TRIP: [loudly] Damn. How will I break that to the eager ladies that want a big ol' slice of Trip pie? [stretches and pats stomach]
REED: I don't think we'll have to worry about that. But are you sure you don't want to come with us, Doctor?
PHLOX: Oh, I'm sure. [titters] I've got plenty to keep me busy here. You know.puttering around in sickbay, catching up on some reading.puttering around in sickbay.going through your drawers. [titters] Just kidding, Lieutenant, just kidding!
[The crew beams down in small groups according to who wants to go where. Trip and Reed head for the center of the main city, looking for clubs and bars, Archer takes Porthos to one of the many beaches, and Hoshi and T'Pol go to a resort and spa.]
HOSHI: Isn't this fun, T'Pol? It'll be just like a sleepover! Do Vulcans have sleepovers?
T'POL: No.
HOSHI: Well, after this I'm sure you'll see what you've been missing!
T'POL: Yes, I'm sure I won't.
HOSHI: [looks like she doesn't know if she should be happy or insulted]
T'POL: [whispers] I insulted you, hon. [pats shoulder]
HOSHI: Oh. [face gets sad]
T'POL: [looks like she's struggling] But I am sure our time together will not be entirely unbearable.
HOSHI: Now that's the nicest thing you've said all day! [slings arm around T'Pol, who gags]
[They check into the nearest spa and are soon getting massages.]
HOSHI: Isn't this relaxing, T'Pol?
T'POL: If I say yes, will you let me leave?
HOSHI: No, silly! Now, let's tell each other our biggest secrets! I have a crush on Malcolm. What about you?
T'POL: Crush?
HOSHI: You know, who are you crushing on?
T'POL: [mutters] I'd like to crush your head.
HOSHI: What?
T'POL: [sweetly] Oh, nothing.
HOSHI: This feels nice, doesn't it? It's relaxing, isn't it?
T'POL: [sits up and squeezes the shoulder of her masseuse, who collapses] Very.
[While Hoshi is attempting to bond with T'Pol, Archer is taking a nap on the beach after a swim. He has on lime green swim trunks, yellow water wings, and white sunscreen on his nose.]
ARCHER: Pheee-bwbwbwbwbw. Pheee-bwbwbwbwbw. [snorts and wakes himself up] Wow! That was such a great dream! I wish I really did own a pony. [begins to pout] I always wanted a pony, but I never got one. [pouts more] My life stinks. I hate everybody. [notices a chocolate bar laying beside him] Chocolate! [perks up as he unwraps the candy bar] Life is great! I love everybody. Hey, Porthy, want some?
[He looks around for Porthos, who is nowhere to be found.]
ARCHER: Porthy? Porthy? Oh, are we playing hide and seek again? I told you I didn't want to play anymore; I can never find you! Here, boy! Here clever Porthy! [wanders around aimlessly until he comes upon the female alien from the transmission]
FEMALE ALIEN: Hey there, handsome. [jiggles]
ARCHER: [distraught] Have you seen Porthy?
FEMALE ALIEN: Who? [jiggles]
ARCHER: Porthy! [dramatically] I must find Porthy! [stalks away and notices some paw prints] Porthy! I'm coming! [begins to run]
[Archer follows the tracks until he comes to a large, three-story building. The windows are dark, but the door is slightly ajar.]
ARCHER: [stands in front of the door] This is just like a horror movie. Okay. I'm goin' in. [hears a yip from Porthos] Daddy's coming, baby, Daddy's coming. I'm goin' in. I'm gonna do it. [doesn't move] Okay. On three. One, two.two and a little bit.two and a smidgen more.[Porthos yips again] Porthy! [charges into the building] Yaaaaaaa - wow. [stops dead in his tracks]
[Before Archer are stacks and stacks of cheese. Blocks of cheddar, Swiss, Brie, and Colby jack fill the warehouse to the roof. Porthos is curled up in an open package of American slices.]
ARCHER: Porthy! Porthy, no! [runs forward and shakes finger] Dr. Phlox said no more cheese for you! Remember what happened the last time, with those mozzarella sticks? Daddy's new housecoat and slippers were ruined, remember that? [Porthos whimpers] No Porthy, I don't want any cheese. [Porthos yips] Yes, I'm sure. [Porthos whimpers again] They have Roquefort? [begins to drool] I don't want any. I don't want any. [sounds more and more unconvincing. Porthos kicks a slab of cheese and it lands at Archer's feet] Well, maybe just one little bit. [hurls himself into a big pile of cheese and begins to eat]
[Trip and Reed are in a club in town. They are at the bar, watching all of the aliens dance and talk.]
REED: Would you stop that?
TRIP: [is swiveling hips and tossing head] Why? The girls like it. [waves at a woman as she walks by; she ignores him]
REED: They do not.
TRIP: Do too! See? [blows a kiss to a group of female aliens that are sitting at a table across the room. They burst out laughing]
REED: I bet I'm a better dancer than you are.
TRIP: Y'are not!
REED: I am so! The Captain even dances better than you - remember when he had a little too much Vulcan ale and started doing the "Macarena" on the table in the mess hall?
[They both wince at the memory.]
TRIP: I know a real easy way to settle this debate - the way they do it down south.
REED: [gasps] NO! Not a -
TRIP: [nods confidently] A dance-off!
REED: Hmm. Care to make it a little more interesting?
TRIP: [whips out wallet] Name your price!
REED: No bets; I'm talking about a strip dance-off!
TRIP: A what?
REED: A strip dance-off!
TRIP: What the hell's that? I've never heard of that!
REED: It's the way they do it in Europe - and it's a great way to get us some screen time in our skivvies!
TRIP: Yer on!
[They take their places in the center of the dance floor. A circle of aliens forms around them, clapping and whistling. Trip goes first. He takes off his shirt and starts doing the hula.]
REED: Impressive. But I can top that. [tears shirt off and starts doing the twist]
TRIP: That don't count! It has to be from this century! [takes off his pants and does the chicken-dance.]
REED: That's not from this century! [takes off pants and struts around, occasionally throwing in some classic disco moves. Now they are both in blue undershirts and underwear. Trip joins Reed, and they mimic each other as "Stayin' Alive" blares from the speakers.]
TRIP and REED: Ah, ah, ah, ah.[shake hips and swing arms]
RANDOM FEMALE ALIEN: Looking good, space-boys!
TRIP and REED: Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.[both leap into the air and land in splits on the dance floor. Everyone claps wildly.]
TRIP: I think it's a tie!
REED: I agree! Now, can we have our clothes? [looks around at the rapidly thinning crowd] Who's got our clothes? [No one replies, and their clothes are nowhere to be found.] Well, I guess we'll just have to go back to the ship for some other clothes.
TRIP: [giggles] I was hopin' this would happen! Walkin' around in public in my panties gives me a little thrill! [Reed looks at him oddly] Don't you get a thrill, Malcolm?
REED: I get my "thrills" from *normal* things, Trip - like T'Pol's *bum*! [gets a dreamy look in his eyes] Do you think she's taking a mud bath at the spa?
[At the spa.]
T'POL: I do not see why sitting in a vat of hot mud is beneficial to my health.
HOSHI: But it is!
T'POL: Why?
HOSHI: The brochure says so.
T'POL: And do you believe everything brochures tell you? [agitatedly] If a brochure told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that too?
HOSHI: The brochure wouldn't say that.
T'POL: But if it did?
HOSHI: But it wouldn't.
T'POL: [shouts] BUT IF IT DID?
HOSHI: [reasonably] If doing it would make me thin and pretty.
T'POL: [stares at Hoshi as she relaxes in the mud and shakes her head] You are like a lemming.
HOSHI: What?
T'POL: [begins to rant] Blindly following everyone else, never thinking for yourself - you will never become a captain at this rate.
HOSHI: [lip quivers] I don't want to be a captain.
T'POL: Men want a girl that can think for herself. Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?
HOSHI: Why do I feel like I'm sitting here with my mother? And who are *you* to give *me* love advice? Half of the men on Enterprise are drooling after you, and you're totally oblivious! Do *you* want to be alone for the rest of your life?
T'POL: Lemming. [loudly] LEMMING. Baa! Baa!
HOSHI: What? What the hell was that?
T'POL: [pause] A lemming.
HOSHI: Lemmings don't baa. Sheep baa.
T'POL: [shifts around uncomfortably. Hoshi closes her eyes again and sinks down in the mud.] [quietly] Lemming.
HOSHI: I heard that, bitch! [slings a handful of mud at T'Pol]
T'POL: I refuse to stoop to your childish level. Vulcans do not - [a blob of mud hits her in the mouth] Oh! Oh! It's *on!* It is *on!*
HOSHI: Bring it, bring it! I can take you! [ducks as a clump of mud comes flying at her]
[Finally, it is time to return to the ship for the night. The crew meets at the prearranged rendezvous point at 2100 hours.]
ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: I wonder where the captain is.
TRIP: Maybe he met some hot alien chick. [the crewman glances at Trip and then at Reed, both of whom are still in their underwear] You gotta problem?
ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: No sir!
ANOTHER ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: Look!
[Everyone turns to look at Hoshi and T'Pol. They are covered in scratches and streaks of dried mud. T'Pol has a black eye and is missing a small clump of hair.]
REED: What have you girls been up to?
T'POL: We were at the spa.
TRIP: Well yeah, but I didn't think relaxation involved getting your ass kicked!
T'POL: I did not "get my ass kicked."
HOSHI: Oh I think you did.
T'POL: I did not.
HOSHI: I think you got your hoity-toity Vulcan ass kicked by a little baby lemming.
TRIP: Huh? [Hoshi raises an eyebrow at T'Pol, who sniffs and turns away.]
ZAM: Ah, hello! I wanted to meet you all in person before you leave. Where is your captain?
FIRST ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: There!
[Everyone turns to see Archer and Porthos stumbling towards them. Their mouths are smeared with yellow and there are strange rectangular bulges in Archer's shirt.]
ZAM: Captain! I trust you've had a wonderful time on Mox!
TRIP: The best, Wham.
ZAM: Zam.
ARCHER: [breathlessly] It's been great, Zam, really great. Now we have to be going.
ZAM: Captain, you do realize that you are not permitted to take anything from the planet, don't you?
ARCHER: [innocently] I don't know what you're talking about. Do you, Porthos?
ZAM: Captain, what's under your shirt?
ARCHER: You didn't take anything, did you, Porthy?
ZAM: [pulls up Archer's shirt. Blocks of cheese fall onto the ground.] Captain -
ARCHER: Porthy! I'm ashamed of you! Sneaking all that cheese under my shirt - it's amazing I didn't feel it! [chuckles, but stops chuckling when Zam glares at him]
REED: [opens his communicator] Enterprise, we're ready. Beam us up!
ARCHER: Thanks for all of your hospitality, Zam! I had a bunch of fun! [right before the transporter beam envelops him, he grabs a block of cheddar] Hahahaha! Sucker!
[Everyone is back on Enterprise.]
REED: Well, we probably ought to go put on some clothes. Right, Trip? Trip? [hears screams in the hall] Oh no!
HOSHI: What's wrong?
REED: He's probably streaking down the hall again, that bastard. Trip! [runs out of the room. Hoshi follows, giggling]
T'POL: Captain, that was an unwise decision on your part to attempt to remove the cheese from Mox. I hope you have learned.
ARCHER: It was Porthy's fault!
T'POL: Captain.
ARCHER: It was! [T'Pol glares] [bows head] I'm sorry. I won't ever do it again, I promise. [his duffel bag thumps]
T'POL: Captain, what was that?
ARCHER: [innocently] What was what?
[T'Pol bends down and unzips the duffel bag. Out of it springs the female alien from the beach. She grins at T'Pol.]
T'POL: Captain!
ARCHER: I said I wouldn't do it ever again!
T'POL: [shakes her head and stalks out of the room]
ARCHER: Gosh. This has been a great shore leave. [more screams from the hall as T'Pol leaps on Hoshi, and Trip takes another lap in the nude with Malcolm close behind] Now, how would you like to meet Nancy? Nancy can make your nails all pretty. Would you like that?
FEMALE ALIEN: [jiggles]
THE END
Setting: the Bridge. Everyone is at their stations, fidgeting, except for Archer, who is sitting contentedly in his chair.
ARCHER: You know, ever since I made Trip install my special heinie-heater and nonalcoholic-beverage-holder, I've been looking forward to my shift more and more.
TRIP: That's great, sir.
ARCHER: I've been thinking of more ways to make my post more comfortable.
REED: How much more comfortable can you get, sir? You've got pillows, a footrest, cup holders, a.heinie-heater [smothers a giggle], and you've even got a manicurist! [gestures to the girl that is crouched at Archer's bare feet with an emery board]
TRIP: Hey! Why don't I get my own manicurist? I work harder than you do, Cap'n!
ARCHER: [whispers] I think you'd better go now, Nancy, the plebs are getting resentful. [Nancy smiles and scurries away]
REED: Sorry, sir, but we've been going for quite a while now without a break. We *were* gonna have a break, but then we had to take the Vulcan lady home. [glares at T'Pol]
T'POL: The 'Vulcan lady' had a name, Lieutenant.
REED: Well, yeah, but I don't know what it was. I *protect*, T'Pol, I don't *care* - there's a difference.
T'POL: I see. [sticks her tongue out and makes a pig nose when Reed turns away]
ARCHER: Wait.we had shore leave on Risa, didn't we?
TRIP: [loudly] Did we?
REED: I don't remember that. [eyes dart back and forth]
MAYWEATHER: Sir, there's an incoming transmission from a planet a little ways away from here.
ARCHER: On sc-
TRIP: 'A little ways away'? Is that the best you can do, Travis?
MAYWEATHER: Don't blame me! You guys never let me do anything important! It's always, "Hold the wrench while I fix the ship, Travis," or "Get me a drink while I save the day, Travis," or "Run and play while I talk to the nice aliens, Travis." I never get to do anything or go anywhere, so how the *heck* do you expect me to know the units we use to measure distance? [realizes he's been stalking around and shouting, and sits back down quietly]
REED: That was intense.
ARCHER: Yeah. On sc-
HOSHI: Hey, wait a minute! Trav-is! That's *my* job! You're taking *my* job! I talk to people; you just fly the stupid ship. [turns to Archer and yells] Captain! There's an incoming transmission! Shall I put it on screen?
ARCHER: Sure. [sticks finger in the ear Hoshi yelled in]
HOSHI: On screen, sir. [smiles snootily at Travis, who "Humph"s]
[An alien in a Hawaiian shirt and large sunglasses appears onscreen. He's holding what looks like a margarita with a tiny umbrella in the cup in one hand.]
ZAM: Greetings!
ARCHER: [is still picking in his ear]
ZAM: [a little less enthusiastically] Greetings, my fellow space travelers!
ARCHER: [examines something he dug out of his ear] Well, I'll be! I wonder how that got in there.
TRIP: [loudly] Cap'n!
ARCHER: Huh? Oh. [wipes finger on Nancy, who has returned and is buffing his fingernails. Nancy frowns.]
ZAM: Welcome to the Arthrida galaxy! I am Zam of the planet Mox! You are?
ARCHER: I'm Johnny.
REED: Captain, what have we discussed?
ARCHER: Oh yeah. [puffs up chest] I'm Captain Jonathan Archer and I've got a big-ass ship, so don't try anything funny, pal.
REED: [pleased] Better!
ZAM: Uh, right. Anyway, I'm the leader of the vacation resort on Mox, and, if you don't mind me saying, you look like you need a vacation! Well, Mox is just the place for you!
TRIP: Hey, you look sorta familiar, Blam!
ZAM: Zam. [eyes dart from side to side] What do you mean?
MAYWEATHER: Aw, yeah, I see it too! [thinks for a minute] You look *just* like the Coneheads from Saturday Night Live! [rolls eyes] What, did the makeup guy run out of ideas again?
ZAM: [fidgets] I don't know what you're talking about. [coughs] Anyway, come to Mox! We've got beaches, casinos, spas, resorts, anything your heart desires! Because here on Mox [two female aliens in bikinis pose on either side of him], our motto is 'All Sun and All Fun - All the Time!' [confetti sprays into the air and the bikini-ed aliens cheer and dance around]
ARCHER: We'll have to get back to you on that, Zam.
FEMALE ALIEN: [coyly] I hope you decide to come, Captain. [winks and jiggles her chest]
ARCHER: [mouth open] Yeeeees.
T'POL: We'll get back to you within the hour. [hits a button and the screen goes blank]
ARCHER: Why'd you make the pretty alien lady go away?
TRIP and REED: Yeah!
HOSHI: [rolls eyes] Men.
T'POL: [scoffs] Obviously implants. [Trip stares pointedly at her] Excuse me? These are the real deal, brother, and don't you forget it! [snaps fingers a few times in Trip's face]
ARCHER: So, what do you guys think?
TRIP: I'm in! Malcolm and I have been waiting for another chance to get shot down by a whole new species of females! [claps hands]
ARCHER: Hoshi? T'Pol?
HOSHI: Sounds great to me. Oh! T'Pol! [squeals] We can go to a spa and have a girly day!
T'POL: Would this 'girly day' require me to be near you?
HOSHI: Such a jokester! [giggles and throws arms around T'Pol, who rolls her eyes]
ARCHER: So it's decided! It's off to Mox!
MAYWEATHER: YES!
ARCHER: Except for you, Travis, you have to stay here.
MAYWEATHER: WHAT?
ARCHER: Aw, just joshin'!
MAYWEATHER: Huh?
ARCHER: [folds hands] Actually, Travis, I wasn't joking. We need you here.
MAYWEATHER: WHY?
HOSHI: [whispers] Try some two-syllable words, Travis. [Travis flips her off]
ARCHER: Just in case no good stories develop on the planet, we need you here for a C-plotline.
MAYWEATHER: Da-amn!
REED: Awww! Travis said a cussy!
MAYWEATHER: [gets out wallet] This is just not my day! [drops a dollar into a jar marked "The Bridge Cussy Jar"]
ARCHER: Hoshi, call Zam and tell him we'll beam down tomorrow!
HOSHI: But Captain! We never use the transporter unless there's an emergency! Why are we using it now?
ARCHER: [looks stumped for a minute] Because I'm Captain and I say so!
[The next day, the crew assembles in the transporter room.]
PHLOX: Now, you've all got immunizations against nearly every known disease, but use caution anyway. [to Trip and Reed, who are wearing matching leis] I don't think I need to tell you gentlemen that we know nothing about the sexually transmitted diseases of these people. [titters]
TRIP: [loudly] Damn. How will I break that to the eager ladies that want a big ol' slice of Trip pie? [stretches and pats stomach]
REED: I don't think we'll have to worry about that. But are you sure you don't want to come with us, Doctor?
PHLOX: Oh, I'm sure. [titters] I've got plenty to keep me busy here. You know.puttering around in sickbay, catching up on some reading.puttering around in sickbay.going through your drawers. [titters] Just kidding, Lieutenant, just kidding!
[The crew beams down in small groups according to who wants to go where. Trip and Reed head for the center of the main city, looking for clubs and bars, Archer takes Porthos to one of the many beaches, and Hoshi and T'Pol go to a resort and spa.]
HOSHI: Isn't this fun, T'Pol? It'll be just like a sleepover! Do Vulcans have sleepovers?
T'POL: No.
HOSHI: Well, after this I'm sure you'll see what you've been missing!
T'POL: Yes, I'm sure I won't.
HOSHI: [looks like she doesn't know if she should be happy or insulted]
T'POL: [whispers] I insulted you, hon. [pats shoulder]
HOSHI: Oh. [face gets sad]
T'POL: [looks like she's struggling] But I am sure our time together will not be entirely unbearable.
HOSHI: Now that's the nicest thing you've said all day! [slings arm around T'Pol, who gags]
[They check into the nearest spa and are soon getting massages.]
HOSHI: Isn't this relaxing, T'Pol?
T'POL: If I say yes, will you let me leave?
HOSHI: No, silly! Now, let's tell each other our biggest secrets! I have a crush on Malcolm. What about you?
T'POL: Crush?
HOSHI: You know, who are you crushing on?
T'POL: [mutters] I'd like to crush your head.
HOSHI: What?
T'POL: [sweetly] Oh, nothing.
HOSHI: This feels nice, doesn't it? It's relaxing, isn't it?
T'POL: [sits up and squeezes the shoulder of her masseuse, who collapses] Very.
[While Hoshi is attempting to bond with T'Pol, Archer is taking a nap on the beach after a swim. He has on lime green swim trunks, yellow water wings, and white sunscreen on his nose.]
ARCHER: Pheee-bwbwbwbwbw. Pheee-bwbwbwbwbw. [snorts and wakes himself up] Wow! That was such a great dream! I wish I really did own a pony. [begins to pout] I always wanted a pony, but I never got one. [pouts more] My life stinks. I hate everybody. [notices a chocolate bar laying beside him] Chocolate! [perks up as he unwraps the candy bar] Life is great! I love everybody. Hey, Porthy, want some?
[He looks around for Porthos, who is nowhere to be found.]
ARCHER: Porthy? Porthy? Oh, are we playing hide and seek again? I told you I didn't want to play anymore; I can never find you! Here, boy! Here clever Porthy! [wanders around aimlessly until he comes upon the female alien from the transmission]
FEMALE ALIEN: Hey there, handsome. [jiggles]
ARCHER: [distraught] Have you seen Porthy?
FEMALE ALIEN: Who? [jiggles]
ARCHER: Porthy! [dramatically] I must find Porthy! [stalks away and notices some paw prints] Porthy! I'm coming! [begins to run]
[Archer follows the tracks until he comes to a large, three-story building. The windows are dark, but the door is slightly ajar.]
ARCHER: [stands in front of the door] This is just like a horror movie. Okay. I'm goin' in. [hears a yip from Porthos] Daddy's coming, baby, Daddy's coming. I'm goin' in. I'm gonna do it. [doesn't move] Okay. On three. One, two.two and a little bit.two and a smidgen more.[Porthos yips again] Porthy! [charges into the building] Yaaaaaaa - wow. [stops dead in his tracks]
[Before Archer are stacks and stacks of cheese. Blocks of cheddar, Swiss, Brie, and Colby jack fill the warehouse to the roof. Porthos is curled up in an open package of American slices.]
ARCHER: Porthy! Porthy, no! [runs forward and shakes finger] Dr. Phlox said no more cheese for you! Remember what happened the last time, with those mozzarella sticks? Daddy's new housecoat and slippers were ruined, remember that? [Porthos whimpers] No Porthy, I don't want any cheese. [Porthos yips] Yes, I'm sure. [Porthos whimpers again] They have Roquefort? [begins to drool] I don't want any. I don't want any. [sounds more and more unconvincing. Porthos kicks a slab of cheese and it lands at Archer's feet] Well, maybe just one little bit. [hurls himself into a big pile of cheese and begins to eat]
[Trip and Reed are in a club in town. They are at the bar, watching all of the aliens dance and talk.]
REED: Would you stop that?
TRIP: [is swiveling hips and tossing head] Why? The girls like it. [waves at a woman as she walks by; she ignores him]
REED: They do not.
TRIP: Do too! See? [blows a kiss to a group of female aliens that are sitting at a table across the room. They burst out laughing]
REED: I bet I'm a better dancer than you are.
TRIP: Y'are not!
REED: I am so! The Captain even dances better than you - remember when he had a little too much Vulcan ale and started doing the "Macarena" on the table in the mess hall?
[They both wince at the memory.]
TRIP: I know a real easy way to settle this debate - the way they do it down south.
REED: [gasps] NO! Not a -
TRIP: [nods confidently] A dance-off!
REED: Hmm. Care to make it a little more interesting?
TRIP: [whips out wallet] Name your price!
REED: No bets; I'm talking about a strip dance-off!
TRIP: A what?
REED: A strip dance-off!
TRIP: What the hell's that? I've never heard of that!
REED: It's the way they do it in Europe - and it's a great way to get us some screen time in our skivvies!
TRIP: Yer on!
[They take their places in the center of the dance floor. A circle of aliens forms around them, clapping and whistling. Trip goes first. He takes off his shirt and starts doing the hula.]
REED: Impressive. But I can top that. [tears shirt off and starts doing the twist]
TRIP: That don't count! It has to be from this century! [takes off his pants and does the chicken-dance.]
REED: That's not from this century! [takes off pants and struts around, occasionally throwing in some classic disco moves. Now they are both in blue undershirts and underwear. Trip joins Reed, and they mimic each other as "Stayin' Alive" blares from the speakers.]
TRIP and REED: Ah, ah, ah, ah.[shake hips and swing arms]
RANDOM FEMALE ALIEN: Looking good, space-boys!
TRIP and REED: Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.[both leap into the air and land in splits on the dance floor. Everyone claps wildly.]
TRIP: I think it's a tie!
REED: I agree! Now, can we have our clothes? [looks around at the rapidly thinning crowd] Who's got our clothes? [No one replies, and their clothes are nowhere to be found.] Well, I guess we'll just have to go back to the ship for some other clothes.
TRIP: [giggles] I was hopin' this would happen! Walkin' around in public in my panties gives me a little thrill! [Reed looks at him oddly] Don't you get a thrill, Malcolm?
REED: I get my "thrills" from *normal* things, Trip - like T'Pol's *bum*! [gets a dreamy look in his eyes] Do you think she's taking a mud bath at the spa?
[At the spa.]
T'POL: I do not see why sitting in a vat of hot mud is beneficial to my health.
HOSHI: But it is!
T'POL: Why?
HOSHI: The brochure says so.
T'POL: And do you believe everything brochures tell you? [agitatedly] If a brochure told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that too?
HOSHI: The brochure wouldn't say that.
T'POL: But if it did?
HOSHI: But it wouldn't.
T'POL: [shouts] BUT IF IT DID?
HOSHI: [reasonably] If doing it would make me thin and pretty.
T'POL: [stares at Hoshi as she relaxes in the mud and shakes her head] You are like a lemming.
HOSHI: What?
T'POL: [begins to rant] Blindly following everyone else, never thinking for yourself - you will never become a captain at this rate.
HOSHI: [lip quivers] I don't want to be a captain.
T'POL: Men want a girl that can think for herself. Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?
HOSHI: Why do I feel like I'm sitting here with my mother? And who are *you* to give *me* love advice? Half of the men on Enterprise are drooling after you, and you're totally oblivious! Do *you* want to be alone for the rest of your life?
T'POL: Lemming. [loudly] LEMMING. Baa! Baa!
HOSHI: What? What the hell was that?
T'POL: [pause] A lemming.
HOSHI: Lemmings don't baa. Sheep baa.
T'POL: [shifts around uncomfortably. Hoshi closes her eyes again and sinks down in the mud.] [quietly] Lemming.
HOSHI: I heard that, bitch! [slings a handful of mud at T'Pol]
T'POL: I refuse to stoop to your childish level. Vulcans do not - [a blob of mud hits her in the mouth] Oh! Oh! It's *on!* It is *on!*
HOSHI: Bring it, bring it! I can take you! [ducks as a clump of mud comes flying at her]
[Finally, it is time to return to the ship for the night. The crew meets at the prearranged rendezvous point at 2100 hours.]
ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: I wonder where the captain is.
TRIP: Maybe he met some hot alien chick. [the crewman glances at Trip and then at Reed, both of whom are still in their underwear] You gotta problem?
ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: No sir!
ANOTHER ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: Look!
[Everyone turns to look at Hoshi and T'Pol. They are covered in scratches and streaks of dried mud. T'Pol has a black eye and is missing a small clump of hair.]
REED: What have you girls been up to?
T'POL: We were at the spa.
TRIP: Well yeah, but I didn't think relaxation involved getting your ass kicked!
T'POL: I did not "get my ass kicked."
HOSHI: Oh I think you did.
T'POL: I did not.
HOSHI: I think you got your hoity-toity Vulcan ass kicked by a little baby lemming.
TRIP: Huh? [Hoshi raises an eyebrow at T'Pol, who sniffs and turns away.]
ZAM: Ah, hello! I wanted to meet you all in person before you leave. Where is your captain?
FIRST ANONYMOUS CREWMAN: There!
[Everyone turns to see Archer and Porthos stumbling towards them. Their mouths are smeared with yellow and there are strange rectangular bulges in Archer's shirt.]
ZAM: Captain! I trust you've had a wonderful time on Mox!
TRIP: The best, Wham.
ZAM: Zam.
ARCHER: [breathlessly] It's been great, Zam, really great. Now we have to be going.
ZAM: Captain, you do realize that you are not permitted to take anything from the planet, don't you?
ARCHER: [innocently] I don't know what you're talking about. Do you, Porthos?
ZAM: Captain, what's under your shirt?
ARCHER: You didn't take anything, did you, Porthy?
ZAM: [pulls up Archer's shirt. Blocks of cheese fall onto the ground.] Captain -
ARCHER: Porthy! I'm ashamed of you! Sneaking all that cheese under my shirt - it's amazing I didn't feel it! [chuckles, but stops chuckling when Zam glares at him]
REED: [opens his communicator] Enterprise, we're ready. Beam us up!
ARCHER: Thanks for all of your hospitality, Zam! I had a bunch of fun! [right before the transporter beam envelops him, he grabs a block of cheddar] Hahahaha! Sucker!
[Everyone is back on Enterprise.]
REED: Well, we probably ought to go put on some clothes. Right, Trip? Trip? [hears screams in the hall] Oh no!
HOSHI: What's wrong?
REED: He's probably streaking down the hall again, that bastard. Trip! [runs out of the room. Hoshi follows, giggling]
T'POL: Captain, that was an unwise decision on your part to attempt to remove the cheese from Mox. I hope you have learned.
ARCHER: It was Porthy's fault!
T'POL: Captain.
ARCHER: It was! [T'Pol glares] [bows head] I'm sorry. I won't ever do it again, I promise. [his duffel bag thumps]
T'POL: Captain, what was that?
ARCHER: [innocently] What was what?
[T'Pol bends down and unzips the duffel bag. Out of it springs the female alien from the beach. She grins at T'Pol.]
T'POL: Captain!
ARCHER: I said I wouldn't do it ever again!
T'POL: [shakes her head and stalks out of the room]
ARCHER: Gosh. This has been a great shore leave. [more screams from the hall as T'Pol leaps on Hoshi, and Trip takes another lap in the nude with Malcolm close behind] Now, how would you like to meet Nancy? Nancy can make your nails all pretty. Would you like that?
FEMALE ALIEN: [jiggles]
THE END