"These Dreams Are Made of Fish"

Voldemort x Charlie crossover fanfic

Word count: 710

Rating: M

Warnings: BL, seafood, gluten

Author: KGR

Voldemort was having strange dreams lately. Wet dreams. He supposed this is the price for sharing his soul with a teenage boy, but unfortunately, Harry was not a normal boy. His fantasies were not of large breasts or supple flesh, but of a weird, muscular fishman named Charlie. Oddly specific.

Voldemort couldn't understand why the child kept dreaming about this beautiful stranger until one night, when Harry had a flashback to his days in the Triwizard tournament. Under the water, he had encountered many interesting mer people, but the most fascinating was certainly Charlie. Harry happened to be eating hard boiled eggs before the competition started, and in a panic, stuffed them into his swim trunks. The combined smell of eggs and sweaty balls was enough to instantly attract the fishy wonder, and as Harry tried to save his friends, Charlie spent about twenty minutes trying to suck his dick underwater.

This gave Voldemort a raging boner, even larger than the one he had for Dumbledore, and he decided that before he would take over Hogwarts, he had to get some head from that sexy lil monster first. There were only three things Voldy remembered about him: he had luscious lips, skin that glowed blue, and the smoothest ass in existence. In his bathrobe, he marched into the kitchen and demanded Wormtail to boil some eggs, as many as he could find.

Once they were ready, the Dark Lord put them neatly into a picnic basket and teleported to Hogwarts. There it was: the lake. He lay all of the eggs at the waters edge, and to encourage Charlie even further, took off his crusty underwear for the first time in decades and soaked them in the water. If going commando didn't attract the fish man, nothing would. To his surprise, Charlie jumped out of the water like a thirsty bitch and gobbled all of the eggs at once. He then proceeded to sniff He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's panties, and when he realized the culprit was standing there, jumped on top of him. He ripped off Voldemort's robes by Calvin Klein with a single swipe, and popped his dick out at maximum speed, like a Pez dispenser at a kids birthday party.

The Dark Lord was a supreme twink compared to this hunk of tilapia, but his pasty thin body was ready for entry, and Charlie instantly sensed it. With an incomprehensible gurgle coming from his mouth, he immediately started thrusting into Voldemort, and kissed him with his delicate pink lips. Voldy screamed with pleasure, and noticed as he held onto the strange creature, his skin lit up like the night sky. The dreams really were true. He even smacked the salmon's ass while he was at it: it left a tingly blue handprint. Voldemort hadn't felt love like this in years. Bellatrix tried, but he was like a limp noodle when she was around.

Just as he was about to reach his climax, Charlie stopped.

"What are you doing?! Keep going!" the Dark Lord pleaded. Charlie realized that he had missed the most important part: the huevos. Gurgling once more, he started caressing Voldemort's cojones in a gentle manner, and went down on his giggle stick. It was too much. He Who Must Not Be Named busted all over Charlie's face, and left a string of pearls around his neck.

"I... I love you, Charlie."

"Gurgle."

They lay there together for hours, until the sunrise, when Hagrid poked them with a stick and asked them to leave.

"I see you found Charlie! Good friend o' mine. Even more when I'm lonely," he said with a wink. "By the way, I love the toupee!"

Voldemort looked back in horror. "Toupee?" He felt the top of his head. There was hair. And in the middle of his face, he saw a nose. Little did Voldy know that Charlie had healing powers, and that the moment his body touched yours, everything was fixed.

This was the end. Voldemort quickly lost street cred within the Death Eaters, and from that point forward, whenever he walked out in public, someone would ask him if he liked fish sticks. He decided not to destroy Hogwarts anymore, and instead, creamed that tuna for the rest of eternity.

The end