Interview with a Crazy Person! II
By: 1000th Ghost
(Warning: If you have not read "Interview with a Crazy Peron!" this will probably not make a lot of sense to you. Then again, it probably won't anyway.)
Speaker: (singing) You know red and white and blue, oh the funny things you do! America, America, this……is…..YOU!!
Bob Saget: Goodmorning….oh, blast it, I could have sworn that "good morning" was one word! But then that red line popped up and…well…I…I…(tears well up in his eyes)…I don't know…it just…like…confused me!...and now…and now I…I…I feel unloved…like…(sniffles)…like something's missing…
Audience: (whispering to one another) What happened to the show? This is "America's Funniest Home Videos"…right?
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Or is it?
Audience: Huh?
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Or is it?
Audience: Is what?
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: (sighs in exasperation) Is this show really "America's Funniest Home Videos"?
Audience: Um…we don't know. Is it?
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: (points up)
Audience: (whispering to one another) What is he doing?
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: LOOK UP!
Audience: (looks up) What?
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Read?
Audience: In…int…inter…er…interv…iew…view…terview…interview!
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Bravo!
Audience: W…i…wi…with…with!
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: (sigh) This might take awhile. Might I suggest you go do something amusing/entertaining until these blokes figure out how to read? Why do you look so surprised? Is it really that shocking that a character from this deranged story written by some girl with no life at the moment is actually talking to you, the reader? It shouldn't be really. . Um…that period right there was made via request from the author of this story's little brother. Just incase you were wondering. By the way, why are you even reading this? I mean really, who's making you? (takes a closer look at the reader) Oh. Oh, I see. Well, I suppose if I had a knife up to my neck, I would do whatever the holder of said knife told me to do as wel-
Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: What is it?! What's wrong?!
Audience: (shaking uncontrollably)
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Will someone please tell me what's the matter?
Audience: Th-the…the…
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: The WHAT?!
Audience: (whispering in fear) The title.
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Oh, yes, that. So, you've finally finished reading it, have you?
Audience: (slowly nods their heads)
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: And what did it say?
Audience: (looks at one another uncertainly) Um…
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Interview…
Audience: Oh, yeah. Interview with a Crazy Person! II.
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Ha-ha! I win! It wasn't "America's Finniest Home Videos", it was "Interview with a Crazy Person! II"! Someone owes me five bucks!
Audience: DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS??
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Um...no, not really.
Audience: NIETHER DO WE!
Bob Saget: Um…(sniffles) well…(wipes the last tears from his eyes) I finally figured out why I was so unhappy.
Audience: Really?
Bob Saget: Yeah.
Audience: Cool.
Bob Saget: Do you want to know why?
Audience: No.
Bob Saget: Do you think I care?
Audience: No.
Bob Saget: I was crying because…I MISS MY WIFE!!
Audience: Who is…?
Bob Saget: You guys were here when she died!
Audience: So?
Bob Saget: It was all of five minutes ago!
Audience: So?
Bob Saget: And the short-term memory is…gone! Ok, for all you simple minded people who have no idea what happened in the first episode of "Interview with a Crazy Person!", here's a basic run through:
Stuff
Stuff
Santiago
Crazy
Stuff
Interviewed by Dr. Bliss
Who is my wife
Stuff
Miss Scarlet
Is a nuisance
Hired by Helga
To kill her Dr. Bliss
So she did
Stuff
I took over the show
Cuz I'm cool
Yay
Go me
Stuff
Ok, I'm done now
Audience: Um…um…um…um…
(five hours later)
Audience: Um…um…oh yeah! Now we remember!
Bob Saget: Wow, it took you five hours to remember what happened five minutes ago. Not bad.
Audience: Yay!
Random villagers in the audience: (singing) Who is this? Who is this? Who comes here? Who? Who? Who? Who? What woman is this, by righteous anger shaken?
Random villager in the audience #1: (singing) Could it be?
Random villager in the audience #2: (singing) Sure?
Random villager in the audience #3: (singing) Yes it could?
Random villager in the audience #4: (singing) Why not?
Random villager in the audience #5: (singing) Who could be mistaken?
Random villagers in the audience: (singing) It's the butcher's wife come from beyond the grave. It's the butcher's dear darling departed wife: Fruma-Sarah, Fruma-Sarah, Fruma-Sarah, Fruma-Sarah, Fruma-Sarah, Fruma-Sarah-
Bob Saget: That's not Fruma-Sarah! It's…
Ghostly specter: It is I…
Bob Saget: HONEY!
Ghostly specter aka Dr. Bliss: (sigh) What?
Bob Saget: You're alive!
Dr. Bliss: Um…no!
Bob Saget: You're dead!
Dr. Bliss: Good guess.
Bob Saget: Yayness!
Dr. Bliss: Yeah…and now I will reap my eternal vengeance and resentment on you and your precious little show!
Bob Saget: Yay! She still loves me!
Dr. Bliss: I now sentence you to be on a new show…a show so corny and retarded that even someone as corny and retarded as yourself will find it hard to escape from its corny and retardedness!
Bob Saget: Oh, goody! What is it?
Dr. Bliss: (in a deep, threatening voice) Full House.
Bob Saget: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Dr. Bliss: Yes! YES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Bob Saget: (disappears in a big cloud of smoke)
Audience: (yawn) We're bored! WE WANT A SHOW! WE WANT A SHOW! WE WANT A SHOW! WE WANT A SHOW!
Dr. Bliss: (realizes with a shock that the story was on page ten, and they still hadn't been introduced to the guest) Um…hello once again (wonderful) audience! It's so nice to see you again-
Audience: WE WANT A SHOW! WE WANT A SHOW!
Dr. Bliss: OKAY! Gees…some people…
Audience: Quit stalling!.
Dr. Bliss: And, without further ado, please welcome (pulls out cue card) Erik Destler!
Random speaker: (starts blasting the overture to The Phantom of the Opera)
Dr. Bliss: …Erik Destler!
Dr. Bliss: ERIK!
Dr. Bliss: Where is he?!
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: Inside your mind!
Dr. Bliss: Huh? No, you don't understand. I try to get inside his mind, not the other way around.
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: (sigh) It's in the song.
Dr. Bliss: Whatever! I don't care at the moment, would someone please just find the guest?
Juni Cortez: I'll find him.
Dr. Bliss: Who are you?
Juni Cortez: Cortez. Juni Cortez.
Dr. Bliss: And…?
Juni Cortez: And I'll find your missing guest.
Dr. Bliss: O…kay…
Juni Cortez: (shouting incredibly loud) GIRL WITH WHIRLING PIGTAILS THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME OF! GIVE BACK THE PHANTOM!
Voice from off stage: Awe…but he's so hot!
Juni Cortez: NOW!
Voice from off stage: (sigh) Okay…
Erik: (walks onto the stage very slowly and elegantly)
Juni Cortez: (to Erik) I'm warning you…STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRL!
Erik: (gives Juni Cortez a look that clearly means that he thinks he's insane)
Juni Cortez: Um…I'm going now. (leaves)
Dr. Bliss: Erik! Please, come in. Sit down, won't you?
Erik: Certainly. (sits in a chair across from Dr. Bliss)
Dr. Bliss: Alright, Erik-
Audience: WHO THE HECK IS ERIK?!
Dr. Bliss: Er…right. An introduction might have been a nice way to start it off. Everyone, this is Erik Destler.
Audience: We knew that already! We're not that stupid!
Dr. Bliss: (looks at them unbelievingly)
Audience: Well…maybe… (singing) BUT I'M A GENIUS IN FRANCE!
Dr. Bliss: France! Yes, Erik is from Paris, France. He live(s/ed) in the Opera Popular, which is not supposed to be spelled as in "Opera" like singing and then "Popular" as in cheerleaders, but that's the only way I know how to pronounce it.
Erik: Actually, it's Opera Populaire.
Every female member in the audience: (drool)
Dr. Bliss: Wow…
Erik: What?
Dr. Bliss: It's just…well…(thinks up fast lie)…I've never actually been corrected by one of my patients…uh…I mean, guests.
Erik: Oh, I'm so sorry my good lady; I had no intention on startling you.
Dr. Bliss: Oh, that's alright… (drool)
Erik: (begins to sense that every female in the building seems to be staring at him hypnotically) Is everything ok?
Dr. Bliss and every other female: (drool)
Erik: (waves a hand in front of Dr. Bliss) Madam?
Dr. Bliss: Oh! Sorry…kind of lost myself there. It's just…your…voice...
Erik: (sigh) Yes, I get that a lot.
Dr. Bliss: It's so beautiful…
Erik: Uh-huh…
Dr. Bliss: And enchanting…
Erik: You don't say…
Dr. Bliss: And romantic…
Erik: Hey! That's where I draw the line! No one can say that…except Christine.
Dr. Bliss and every other female: Awe…
Dr. Bliss: Anyway, everyone, Erik is (looks at cue card) a musical/magical/architectural/anything else 'al' that you can think of genius. He live(s/ed) underneath the Opera Populaire in a house by a lake. No one knows of his existence, although practically everyone knows of the Phantom of the Opera/Opera Ghost. He is always causing trouble at the Opera, and-
Audience: (snore)
Dr. Bliss: AND on certain occasions, involving a certain Miss Christine Daae, he has been known to commit murder. Oh great, just what I need, another murderer! Wasn't Miss Scarlet enough?
Erik: I am terribly sorry for your inconvenience.
Dr. Bliss: Oh, that's alright. As long as you keep taking, I don't think there is anyway for me to be mad at you.
Erik: Er…alright then…
Dr. Bliss: (gets a dangerous glint in her eyes) Talk.
Erik: Um…my name is Erik…I love Christine Daae…she left with some idiotic fop…I hope he dies…I think one of these days I'll kill him…or maybe I already have…I honestly can't remember………..
Dr. Bliss: KEEP TALKING!
Erik: …I write music…I live under the Opera…I'm running out of things to say…I'm on a weird talk show…I have no idea how I got here…some nine year old girl was trying to kiss me before…she was creepy…um…the carpet is red…the ceiling is black…I'm sitting in a chair…there is an audience…they seem to be complete morons…I honestly have no idea what I'm doing here to begin with…I wonder why that Dr. Bliss woman is all shimmery and see through…um…let's see…I'm really hungry…I could really go for some chicken right now…you know, the barbecue kind…with mashed potatoes on the side…and a pickle…
Every female member of the audience: (sigh) Pickle… (drool)
Every male member of the audience: Hey, listen you! We don't want you stealing all our chicks!
Erik: I'm not trying to steal them; I just seem to have that effect on women.
Every male member of the audience: Grr…WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT?!
Dr. Bliss: Ok! Moving right along…Erik, you say you live(d) in the Opera Populaire.
Erik: That is correct.
Dr. Bliss: May I ask if it is (e)/(ed)?
Erik: Oh, it's (e).
Dr. Bliss: So you still do live there?
Erik: Of course! I mean, sure, after the mob came there was quite a bit of fixing up to do, you know, what with the caved in ceiling and the rotten floor and the flooded lake and the scorched furniture and the smashed organ and the-
Dr. Bliss: How did you manage to repair that?
Erik: I didn't. I am, of course, quite capable of doing so, but ever since Christine left, I have seen no point in doing much of anything.
Dr. Bliss: So how did you get your house fixed?
Erik: I bought a new one on Ebay.
Dr. Bliss: Does Ebay really sell houses?
Audience: (singing) A USED PINK BATHROBE, A RARE MINT SNOW GLOB, A SMURF TV TRAY, I BOUGHT ON EBAY! MY HOUSE IS FILLED WITH, THIS-
Dr. Bliss: Ok, I get the point!
Erik: Besides, if I went away, how would Christine know where to find me?
Audience: Who's Christine?
Dr. Bliss: (sigh) New Announcer!
New Announcer: Lalalalalalalalalala…what?
Dr. Bliss: Roll the tape!
Tape: (plays the entire Phantom of the Opera movie in less than one minute flat)
Dr. Bliss: Wow, impressive…
Audience: (singing) THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE…NIGHT TIME SHARPENS…MASQUERADE! PAPER FACES…THINK OF ME…THAT'S ALL I ASK…PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN…PRIMA DONNA…ANGLE OF MUSIC…
Dr. Bliss: AH! Shut up!
Random member of the audience: Christine should have stayed with him…
Several other random members of the audience: Yeah…
More random members of the audience: But he's a murderer!
Further random members of the audience: But he loved her!
Other random members of the audience: But he's insane!
Even more random members of the audience: But he's hot!
One random little boy in the audience: But…but…but…ICE CREAM!
Audience besides the little random boy: Ice cream?! Where?!
Little random boy in the audience: In Dairy Queen!
Flying Cow: (poofs in) Dairy World?
Timmy Turner: Dairy Queen.
Flying Cow: Oh, darn it! (poofs out)
Dr. Bliss: Um…did anyone else just see the flying cow?
Audience: (looks at Dr. Bliss worriedly) No…
Dr. Bliss: But it was JUST HERE!
Audience: (looks at her skeptically)
Dr. Bliss: It was I tell you! It was there! And you…and you…and you were there! And Toto too! Oh Auntie Em, there's no place like home!
Audience: (whispering) And she's supposed to help people with their mental problems…
Dr. Bliss: I heard that! Anyway, Erik, I notice that you are wearing a mask.
Erik: (glares at her) Yes…
Dr. Bliss: Do you mind telling us why?
Erik: (glares at her) Yes…
Dr. Bliss: How am I supposed to help you if you won't let me get to the root of the problem?
Erik: I don't need your help! I don't need anybody's help! Except Christine's… (singing softly) You alone can make my song take flight…help me make the music of the night…
Audience: Awwwww…how sad!
Dr. Bliss: Well, if Christine is the only one who can help you, I suppose I'll have to bring her here! New Announcer!
New Announcer: You got any sevens? No? GO FISH!
Santiago, who just happened to be in the audience: (shrug) Okay… (leaves)
Dr. Bliss: New Announcer, go fetch Christine Daae!
New Announcer: Yeah, yeah, in a minute…I just got to finish my game…
Dr. Bliss: NOW!
New Announcer: (whimpers) Ok… (in strong voice) When we return, Erik is confronted about his past, and Dr. Bliss finally discovers the reason for Erik's mask. Plus, what happens when Erik is confronted by his long lost love? Find out, when the Bachel- I mean, Interview with a Crazy Person! II, continues.
Some fat black lady: Now, for a limited time, you can try Pizza Hut's all new pizza strips, only 9.99!
Some other fat black lady: Hey, we ain't done rippin' and dippin'!
Me: (drool) Pizza strips…
New Announcer: And we're back!
Audience: (sigh) Pizza strips…
Female audience members: (sigh) Pickle…
Dr. Bliss: Erik, are you ready to see Christine?
Erik: Um…sort of…kind of…not really…well…maybe…can I phone a friend?
Dr. Bliss: Uh…sure… (hands Erik her cell phone)
Erik: (looks at it confused) I just remembered…I don't know what I phone is.
Dr. Bliss: (snatches her phone back) Well, in that case…
Christine: (enters the room and looks around confused) Meg? Madam Giry? Raoul? Where is everybody?!
Erik: (drool)
Female audience members: Grr…jealousy…taking…over…can't…hold…on…much…longer…
Cliff Hanger: Hey, that's my line!
Random singing people in a helicopter: (singing…duh) Cliff Hanger, hanging from a cliff! And that's why he's called Cliff Hanger!
Christine: (notices Erik) (nervously) Hello Erik.
Erik: (drool)
Christine: Erik?
Erik: Oh…um… (looks at floor) Hello Christine.
Dr. Bliss: Well, you people certainly are nervous enough. Eh, but whatever. I truthfully could care less. Now Christine, if you would be so kind as to sit in that chair. (points to chair)
Flying ice cream truck: (falls from the sky and lands on top of said chair)
Said chair: (smash!)
Larry the Lobster: Please, do not land flying ice cream trucks on the sun bathers. Thank you.
Dr. Bliss: Uh…huh…
Flying ice cream truck: (runs over half the audience, before crashing through the wall and exiting, leaving a huge gaping hole in the wall)
Dr. Bliss: Hmm…I hope my insurance can cover that.
New Announcer: Um…Dr. Bliss…your insurance expired three years ago…
Dr. Bliss: Dash it all!
Little House time people: (gasp!) There's no need to curse!
Dr. Bliss: Eh, no matter. I'll just blame it all on television.
Christine: (looks in bewilderment at the smashed chair)
Dr. Bliss: Oh, yeah. Hey, NEW ANNOUNCER! Bring us an extra chair!
New Announcer: Sorry Dr. Bliss, but I had to auction off all the chairs to pay for your lack of insurance.
Dr. Bliss: (sigh) Why does everything always happen to me?
Audience: (singing) Why'd they have to interrupt the Simpsons just for this? What a drag, cuz I was taping it and everything and-
Dr. Bliss: How come you guys always feel the need to bring Weird Al songs into my show?
Audience: Who are you again?
Christine: Um…I still don't have a chair…
Dr. Bliss: Well…that bites. I can't interview people unless they're sitting down.
Christine: Why?
Dr. Bliss: It's in the contract. (sigh) Just…sit on the floor.
Christine: And ruin my nice new gown?! I don't think so!
Erik: You can sit with me!
Christine: Excuse me?
Dr. Bliss: Great idea Erik. Christine, go sit in his lap.
Christine: But…but…but…
Erik: Please?
Christine: Well…Raoul isn't here…awe, what the heck! (jumps into his arms)
Erik: (drool)
Christine: (drool)
Dr. Bliss: Thank you Erik. That was very gentlemanly of you.
Erik: Believe me, there was nothing gentlemanly about it.
Christine: Come again?
Erik: Er…nothing.
Dr. Bliss: Well, now that everything is back to normal, what do you say we proceed with our interview?
Christine: What interview?
Dr. Bliss: (sigh) I'm interviewing Erik for my talk-show-type-thing 'Interview with a Crazy Person! II'.
Christine: Hey, that's not fair! I want to be interviewed too!
Dr. Bliss: Hmm…okay. Why does Erik wear a mask?
Christine: Because of this. (takes off his mask)
Audience: (gasp!)
Erik: Christine, how could you?!
Christine: Oh, it was easy. I just reached my arm up and-
Erik: That's not what I meant!
Christine: Oh, I'm sorry Erik. But, the nice lady wanted to know, and I thought…
Erik: (sigh) Never mind… (puts mask back on)
Dr. Bliss: Ah, how the picture falls into place. Erik, you are ashamed of the deformed side of your face, so you have kept hidden from all of humanity for the majority of your life, and therefore believe that all human kind is against you, so you see no reason why it would be wrong for you to kill, but then you fell in love with Christine, and you vowed that you would have her under no circumstances…am I right?
Erik: Um… (thinks about it for a minute) Yeah, makes as much sense as anything I'll be able to come up with. You left out one thing though.
Dr. Bliss: Oh? What?
Erik: (darkly) The fop.
New Announcer: (in strong voice) Coming up: Everyone is confused as to just what a fop is, and things start to get wild when he decides to join the interview. And what happens at the final rose ceremony, when Christine is forced to choose between her two significant others? Find out, when the Bach- Interview with a Crazy Person! II continues.
Some kid holding a can of peas: Peas.
New Announcer: And now, back to the show.
Dr. Bliss: Excuse me, fop?
Erik: Yes, that's what I said.
Dr. Bliss: Um…not to sound like those incompetent morons who watch my show but, what's a fop?
Erik: Well, you can also give them the name 'Raoul'. Either one suits, really.
Audience: What's a Raoul?
Erik: (gets an evil glint in his eyes) He's-
Christine: He is my fiancé, so I would appreciate it if you would think twice before saying anything bad about him.
Erik: Ok. (thinks twice) Raoul is an abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad, bad news, beastly, blah, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy, crappy, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, god-awful, gross, grungy, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, lousy, not good, off, poor, raunchy, rough, sad, scuzzy, sleazeball, sleazy, slipshod, stinking, substandard, synthetic, the pits, unacceptable, unsatisfactory sissy.
Dr. Bliss: Wow…impressive.
Erik: Not really. I just copied it all from . Not that I know what a website even is.
Dr. Bliss: It's a magical land full of rainbows and flowers and happy bunnies that spend their days making hot coco.
Erik: Uh-huh… (looks at her skeptically) You don't say.
Christine: Are there lions?
Dr. Bliss: I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A REPEAT! Ahem… Erik, you seem to have some sort of built up anger towards this Raoul person. Do you care to enlighten us?
Erik: Not at all. (screaming) HE STOLE CHRISTINE FROM ME! I FINALLY HAD HER TO MYSELF, AND HE STOLE HER FROM ME! HOW COULD HE DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! PLUS, HE'S GAY!
Christine: He is?!
Erik: Did you not notice the long blond hair that curls at the end?!
Christine: Yes…but I always thought he had some sort of disease that made his hair do that!
Erik: Uh…no. I believe that he does that by choice.
Christine: (gasp) Shocking! But he's still my fiancé.
Erik: For goodness sakes Christine, why?!
Christine: He rescued my scarf from the sea when I was seven.
Erik: And…?
Christine: Well…that's really it.
Erik: You mean that you're going to marry a man just because he picked up your crummy scarf when you were freakin' seven?!
Christine: Er…yes?
Erik: (sighs in exasperation)
Christine: But you don't understand! It was a pretty scarf! It was all red! I wonder what happened to it…
Erik: You don't even have it?!
Christine: No, I lost it again the next day.
Erik: …
Dr. Bliss: Hmm…interesting. It seems that this Raoul person is an important factor in the lives of you people. Let's bring him in!
Christine and Erik: NO!
Dr. Bliss: YES! New Announcer!
New Announcer: WILL MY TOIL NEVER CEASE?!
Dr. Bliss: Nope. We need Raoul.
New Announcer: Isn't he that gay guy?
Dr. Bliss: We'll soon find out!
Raoul: (skips into the room) Christine! Hi! I missed you sooooo much! I- (notices the fact that she's sitting in Erik's lap) Hey! What do you think you're doing to my girl you…you…bad…person!
Erik: (looks innocent) What?
Dr. Bliss: Um…Raoul, I would offer you a chair, but we ran out a while ago. Do you mind sitting on the floor?
Raoul: And ruin my nice new hot-pink pants?! Are you mad?!
Dr. Bliss: I'm beginning to wonder…
Raoul: If you don't mind, I'd prefer to just skip.
Dr. Bliss: Skip?
Raoul: Yes, skip. Like this. (begins to skip around the room in a circle) Whee! This is so much fun! Lalala!
Dr. Bliss: Uh…suit yourself…I guess. So, Raoul-
Erik: I have a question, if you don't mind.
Dr. Bliss: Go ahead.
Erik: Who names their kid Raoul?
Raoul: Ooh! Ooh! Don't tell me! I know this one!
Erik: I doubt that. But seriously, I mean, what kind of a name is Raoul?!
Dr. Bliss: Hmm…Raoul… (pulls out baby name book) Erik means ever-powerful-
Erik: I can live with that.
Dr. Bliss: Christine means Christ-bearer, Raoul means…famous wolf?
Christine, Erik, and Dr. Bliss: (stare at Raoul in confusion)
Raoul: A wolf? Really? Wow! AOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Erik: (covers ears with hands) What the devil are you trying to do to us?!
Raoul: I was just trying out my new wolf howl! AOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Erik: (turns to Dr. Bliss) Can't you make him stop?!
Dr. Bliss: Oh, um, silly me, it wasn't wolf, it was bunny rabbit. Nice soft QUIET little bunny rabbit.
Raoul: Oh, goody! (stops skipping in circles, and instead starts hoping in circles) (singing) Here comes Peter Cotton Tail, hoping down the bunny trail! Hippity, hoppity-
Erik: Now do you believe me?
Christine: Um…well…ok, so he acts gay, but can you find any proof that he is gay?
Erik: As a matter of fact, I can. (pulls a book out of his pocket)
Christine: Ooh! What's that?
Erik: This, my dear, is "The Phantom of the Opera", a book that I paid my old friend Leroux Gaston a great deal of money to write.
Christine: What's it about?
Erik: Our story.
Christine: Am I in it?
Erik: Christine, when one uses the word "our" one usually means that-
Christine: I'm in a book! I'm in a book! Hooray! But wait…what's that got to do with Raoul being gay?
Erik: I'll show you. (opens book) (reading) The shyness of the sailor-lad--I was almost saying his innocence-- was remarkable. He seemed to have but just left the women's apron-strings. As a matter of fact, petted as he was by his two sisters and his old aunt, he had retained from this purely feminine education manners that were almost candid and stamped with a charm that nothing had yet been able to sully. He was a little over twenty-one years of age and looked eighteen. He had a small, fair mustache, beautiful blue eyes and a complexion like a girl's.
Audience: Um…shy…feminine…aunt…little…eighteen…what?
Raoul: I am thoroughly perplexed by this. I have no little, shy, feminine, eighteen-year-old aunt!
Erik: That's not the point!
Raoul: It's not?!
Erik: No! Did you not hear the part about "complexion like a girl's"?!
Raoul: (pulls a compact out of his pocket and stares at his reflection) Do you think this lipstick is more suited for morning or evening wear?
Erik: Ah! I can not even look at him, he disgusts me so much! Christine, how could you ever agree to be with this fop?!
Christine: Um…I don't think anyone knows what a fop is yet.
Erik: (sighs in desperation) A fop is, and I quote, "A vain, affected man who is preoccupied with his clothes and manners."
Audience: Ooh…big words…no comprendo.
Erik: Why am I the soul intelligent being on this earth?!
Christine: Yeah…you're smart…and you can sing…I like smart guys who can sing…
Erik: You also seem to like guys who skip and have girlish looks.
Christine: But the scarf…
Erik: Yeah, no wonder he saved your scarf. After all, if is an article of clothing…
Christine: Are you implying that Raoul is obsessed with fashion?
Raoul: (skips over to them holding a pink miniskirt and a purple miniskirt) Oh…I just can't make up my mind…this one, or this one? Which one goes better with my eyes?
Christine: Point taken.
Erik: Forget him Christine, forget him. Come away to Neverland, where you'll never, ever have to worry about grown up things again.
Christine: What?
Stage hand: Sorry about that folks! Wrong cue card!
Erik: Um…right. What I was going to say was-
Christine: Erik, I already left with Raoul. Why can't you just accept that?
Erik: Please Christine, please forget him. Come with me, and together, we will make the most beautiful music the world has ever known! With our voices reunited as one we can at last be free! Don't tell me that you haven't missed singing with me Christine; I know you have!
Christine: Of course I have! You of all people should know that music means the world to me! And you, you have the most wonderful voice of any man I have ever know in my entire life!
Dr. Bliss: Hmm…I'm just throwing this out there…but can Raoul sing?
Christine: Um… (tries to remember) He sang with me that one night on the roof…he wasn't very good…or maybe he was…I can't remember…
Simon: He was absolutely awful! If he's looking to be the next American Idol, I'm sorry, but he has just got no chance!
Dr. Bliss: (eats a little piece of chocolate…because…um…no reason, she's just hungry) HYPER! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!
Erik: Oh…my…
Dr. Bliss: I HAVE A WONDERFUL IDEA! LET'S DO AN AMERICAN IDOL AUDITION!
Simon: What are you talking about?!
Dr. Bliss: HIYA SIMON! MY NAME'S DR. BLISS! YOU CAN CALL ME FRANK! CAN YOU DO AN AMERICAN IDOL AUDITION ON MY SHOW, PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY AND SPRINKLES AND SOME OF THAT COOL CHOCOLATE SAUCE TYPE STUFF ON TOP??
Erik: I suggest you do it. I think it would be quite bad for your health if you refused!
Dr. Bliss: (begins to rive up a chainsaw)
Simon: I see your point. But make it quick!
Dr. Bliss: LALALALALALA! THIS WILL BE FUN! RAOUL VERSES ERIK! ERIK FIRST, CAUSE HE'S HOT!
Erik: I beg your pardon madam!
Dr. Bliss: SING SOMETHING BABY!
Erik: Good grief, this woman's lost it!
Christine: Sing something Erik!
Erik: For you Christine, anything. (singing) Anywhere you go let me go too! Christine, that's all I ask of you! here are the notes that he sang (if you have a piano, I suggest you play these notes, it'll make this part make more sense) means the note is going up, v means the note is going down): A B flat C C C v B flat v F v D v C! G G G A C v A v G v F!
Christine: (starts to cry) That…was…so…beautiful!
Erik: I'm glad you liked it, my dear!
Simon: I must say, it is one of the best auditions I've heard throughout this whole competition. (hands Erik a yellow piece of paper) You're going to Hollywood!
Erik: Where?
Dr. Bliss: NOW LET'S HEAR FROM RAOUL! WHO ISN'T HOT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Raoul: Um…I have to sing something?
Simon: Yes, you moron, unless you're going to be like that mime girl.
Raoul: But I have no song prepared!
Simon: Then just sing what that masked guy just sung!
Erik: Hey! He can't steal my song!
Simon: Sure he can! Take it away, foppish kid!
Raoul: (singing) Anywhere your go let me go too! A B flat C C C v B flat F v D v C!
Everyone in the show, city, state, country, continent, world, solar system, galaxy, universe, second dimensions, and regions ruled by monkeys: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! THE HORROR!! THE ABSOLUTE, UNADULTERATED, PG-13 HORROR!! THAT F!! THAT HORRIBLY SOCKING HIGH F!! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GO UP!! GUYS JUST DON'T DO THAT!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!
Raoul: Did I win?! Did I win?!
Simon: Quick! Somebody, kill him!
Erik: (pulls out his Punjab lasso) I'm on it!
Christine: Erik! I mean, Raoul! I mean…um…
Erik: (puts the noose around Raoul's neck) (singing) Order your fine horses now! Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes! Nothing can save you now, except perhaps Christine! (to Christine, still singing) Start a new life with me! Buy his freedom with your love! Refuse me and you send your lover to his death! This is the choice! This is the point of no return!
Christine: (singing) The tears I might have shed for your dark fa- (talking) Wait a minute. Didn't we do this already?
Erik: Er…maybe…
Christine: It didn't work last time, so what makes you think it'll work this time?
Erik: I don't. But last time you kissed me, and I'm always willing to try for that.
Christine: (blushes)
Erik: Besides, you love me more than the fop.
Christine: I do?
Erik: Yes, according to another friend of mine, Joel Schumacher, and once again, I quote, "I think Christine's relationship with Raoul is her romantic awakening as a teenager, but her pull towards the Phantom is a very sexual, very deep, very soulful union."
Dr. Bliss: How did you remember that?!
Erik: How could I not remember something like that?
Christine: Yeah, well what does that Joel guy know anyway?
Erik: He directed out movie.
Christine: Oh…really? Hmm…interesting…so I love Raoul like a high school crush, and you like the real thing?
Erik: Exactly.
Raoul: Um…I don't know if anyone is even remembering me by this point, but I'm having difficulty breathing with this noose around my neck…
Audience: Who's he again?
Christine: This is all very emotionally confusing.
Dr. Bliss: Care to elaborate?
Christine: Well…I thought I was supposed to love Raoul, but I think maybe the only reason I did that was because I had to stay true to the story. But…I can't love Erik! I mean…that's just not how it's supposed to happen! But that's retarded! It's my life! Why should I care if that's not supposed to happen! But…ah, I'm confused! Erik, sing something that will make it all make sense.
Erik: What do you mean?
Christine: I don't know; your music just makes me think straight. Or maybe not…eh, it's worth a try. Sing something.
Erik: (thinking) You're going to wish you hadn't said that! (singing) What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door? What sweet seduction lies before us…?
Christine: Holy miércoles! I'm actually getting the meaning of that song!
Erik: You're just now getting it?!
Christine: Yeah! Wow, you're good!
Erik: In what way?
Christine: Both…
Erik: Christine…
Christine: Erik…
Dr. Bliss: (decides that she doesn't like where this conversation is going, especially when she glances to the audience and realizes that about ¾ of it is made up of four-year-olds and less, and decides that she quickly has to change the show back to a G rated topic) Think…think…BRAINBLAST! And now, introducing our next guest, Barney!
Audience: (singing) And I think they want to harm me, cuz they sure don't act like Barney-
Random speaker: (singing) Barney is the dinosaur from our imagination! And when he's tall he's what we call a dinosaur sensation!
Barney: (runs into the room) Hi boys and girls! I'm soooooo happy to see each and every one of you! And why is that? Because everyone is special! (singing) You are special! You're the only one! You're the only one like you! The world is better just because you're here; you should know that we love you!
Raoul: I LOVE YOU TOO BARNEY!
Barney: (singing) I love you! You love me!
Raoul: (singing) We're a happy family!
Barney and Raoul: (singing) With a great big hug, (hug) and a kiss from me to you! (censored) Won't you say you love…me…too?
Erik: (drops Punjab lasso in disgust, thereby freeing Raoul)
Christine: I can't believe you Raoul! You're cheating on me…with a purple dinosaur?!
Raoul: Not just any purple dinosaur! Barney is my collage roommate!
Christine: …
Raoul: We even had a secret club! F.O.P.!
Barney: That stands for Fellowship Of Pretty-boys!
Raoul and Barney: YAY!
Baby Bop: (comes running into the room, bawling) HOW COULD YOU BARNEY, HOW COULD YOU?! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! WELL, NOW…NOW YOU'RE GONNA PAY! (takes her yellow blanket and strangles Barney)
Barney: (dies)
Erik: Nice job! I never considered using a blanket.
Little kids in the audience: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Other people in the audience: My dear children, allow us to introduce you to the wonder that is NON-CORNY TELEVISION!
Random screen: (starts playing Hey Arnold!, The Fairly Oddparents, Spongebob Squarepants, Jimmy Neutron, Danny Phantom, and…uh…any other Nick show (NOT Nick Jr.! (Except maybe for Bob the Builder. Yay Bob!)))
Little kids in the audience: Ooh…ah…WE'VE SEEN THE LIGHT!
Christine: Wait…so Raoul really IS gay?
Raoul: No…I was just humoring him.
Christine: Works for me!
Erik: WHY ME?!
Dr. Bliss: O…kay…then…that's the last time I try to tone down the rating of my show! So, Christine, the question we all want to know is…who do you want to be with?
Erik and Raoul: ME!
Christine: E…R…Er…Ra…Eri…Rao…
Raoul: Just say something!
Erik: Hey, that's not fair! She was about to get to actually spelling out my name!
Christine: Oh…(sniffle)…this is all…(sniffle)…so…(sniffle)…HARD! (cries)
Erik and Raoul: Oh, don't cry Christine! Everything will be ok! Hey, stop trying to comfort her! Why don't you?! Why don't you make me?! Bring it on!
Random beings that simultaneously appear out of nowhere: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Everyone: Where do you people come from?!
Random beings that simultaneously appear out of nowhere: Um…FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: That, my dear people, is a mystery even I unable to solve.
Audience: WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!
Some elegantly dressed man in the audience with a particularly strong British accent: I am Mr. Sherlock Holmes. And since you three have formed a rather complicated love triangle, I have taken the liberty unto myself to help to sort out these misinterpreted feelings.
New Announcer: Forget it! You don't know a thing about love!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, and you do?
New Announcer: As a matter of fact, yes!
Sherlock Holmes: And why is that?
New Announcer: Because I am (steps out from wherever he had been hiding) CHRIS HARRISON!
Audience: (gasp!) Chris Harrison! Who would have guessed?! It's so strange! Of all people! Um…who's Chris Harrison?
Chris Harrison: Honestly, don't you people watch TV?
Audience: Um…Nickelodeon! And whatever show we're on now!
Dr. Bliss: Interview with a Crazy Person! II ya morons! I thought you had at least figured out that much!
Audience: And you are…?
Chris Harrison: For all you people who don't know who I am (gestures to basically everybody, including me because I just found out his name), I am the host of The Bachelor/ette.
Audience: Ooh…ah…interesting…sorta…kinda…ok…not really…bored now…need sugar…need LOTS of sugar…now!
Flying ice cream truck: (comes back...making another huge non-insurance-covered hole in the wall)
Audience: ICE CREAM! (singing) I love Rocky Road! So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby? I love Rocky Road. So have another triple scoop with me!
Dr. Bliss: (screaming) WHAT…IS…WITH…ALL…THE…WEIRD…AL…REFERENCES??
Audience: Who knows!
Raoul: Um…I haven't been in this page yet, and my vanity is not happy with that.
Erik: No one likes you, so it's no surprise that you haven't been on this page.
Raoul: You haven't been in this page either!
Erik: Yes, but my presence lingers on, while you are forgotten like so many leaves on a winter's day.
Audience: (talking through mouthfuls of ice cream) What the heck does that mean?
Raoul: Oh, yeah? Well…well…you're ugly!
Erik: Well, you're brainless.
Raoul: You're a murderer!
Erik: You're a homosexual!
Raoul: Crazy!
Erik: Materialistic!
Raoul: It doesn't matter what you say, I'm still better because Christine loves me!
Erik: She loves me more, and she only loves you because you saved her bloody scarf from the sea!
Raoul: Yeah, well she only loves you because you remind her of her father!
Erik: What?! Her father?
Raoul: Yes! I win!
Christine: What are you talking about?! He doesn't remind me of my father! He was sent by my father!
Raoul: Um…I still win!
Erik: (insert heavy breathing) Christine, I am…not…your father!
Luke and Christine: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO duh!
Luke: Yeah man, I don't even know who you are!
Erik: Then why are you here?
Yoda: Answers Luke knows not. Talking ominously I am.
Jar Jar Binks: Me-sa Jar Jar Binks! Me-sas NO WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND! MOO-SAS-HAS-AS-HAS-AS!
Audience: (singing to the tune of American Pie) A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack. And I thought me and Quig-Non-Jin, could-
Sir Cuff: QUIG-NON-JIN MUST DIE!
Dr. Bliss: And you are?
Sir Cuff: A character that some fourth grade girls made up six years ago, but that shockingly, CONTINUTES TO LIVE! MOO-SAS-HAS-AS-HAS-AS!
Jar Jar Binks: That-sa me-sa's line!
Sir Cuff: Oh, SHIFT! I miss her SO MUCH! But she ran off with that IDIOTIC QUIG-NON-JIN!
Erik: Welcome to my nightmare.
Dr. Bliss: Ok, I am SO TOTALLY TIRED OF ALL THE WEIRD AL/ STAR WARS/ WHOEVER THE HECK THAT SWARD FIGHTING DUDE IS REFERENCES!!
Everyone: (stares at her worriedly)
Dr. Bliss: (ahem) So…let's move on!
Everyone: (shrug) Ok.
Everyone that's not Dr. Bliss, Erik, Christine, Raoul, or Chris Harrison: (goes to sit in the audience)
Chris Harrison: Christine, can I talk to you?
Christine: Uh…sure.
Chris Harrison and Christine: (go off stage)
Chris Harrison: Now, you have met many young men throughout this journey-
Christine: Who?
Chris Harrison: And you have become very attached to some of them-
Christine: I have?
Chris Harrison: But now, it is time, to make your final choice.
Christine: On what?
Chris Harrison: I'll leave you alone for a minute. (leaves)
Christine: (notices that there are a bunch of pictures of a bunch of guys on this shelf thingy) Ooh! Pictures! I know! I'll cut them out and make paper dolls! Yay!
(five minutes later)
Chris Harrison: (comes back into the room) Christine?
Christine: (sitting on the floor holding two pictures of two guys) Hello Mr. Man! Would you like some tea? Why thank you Senor Dude! That's very thoughtful of you!
Chris Harrison: Um…Christine?
Christine: (looks up) Do you want to play too?
Chris Harrison: Uh, no.
Christine: (shrug) Ok. Oh, look! Here comes Monsieur Guy! Let's go say hello!
Chris Harrison: Uh…ok, Christine, now it's time to put the paper dolls down!
Christine: Awe!
Chris Harrison: It is time for you to go to the final rose ceremony.
Christine: Do I gotta?
Chris Harrison: Yes.
Christine: Grr…
Christine and Chris Harrison : (come back into the room)
Room: (has been transformed into that room that they do the rose ceremonies in on the Bachelor/ette)
Chris Harrison: Now, we have made a few changes to this final rose ceremony. Most of the time you are forced to choose between two different guys, but this time (muttering) due to the stupidity of the retarded managers! (talking) you will be forced to choose between six different guys: Raoul, Fabrice, Erik, John Paul, Jar Jar Binks, and That Guy Who Says 'Dude' On Those Commercials On Nickelodeon.
Christine: Um…what?
Chris Harrison: I know how hard this must be for you, but you must make a choice.
Christine: On what?
Chris Harrison: JUST KNOCK ONE OUT!
Christine: Oh! Ok! (walks over to Erik)
Erik: No, Christine, please!
Christine: Can I borrow your Punjab lasso?
Erik: What?! Uh…sure. (gives it to her)
Christine: Thanks. (walks over to Jar Jar Binks)
Jar Jar Binks: Me-sa Jar Jar Binks! Me-sas wants to be your husband!
Christine: (takes Punjab lasso and strangles him) (walks over to Erik and gives him back Punjab lasso) (walks back over to Chris Harrison) How was that?
Audience: HIS REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER! WE'RE FREE! FREE! FREE AT LAST!
Chris Harrison: When I said 'knock one out' I didn't mean literally!
Christine: Well, you should have been more specific!
Chris Harrison: Um…just reject them in a more humane way next time, ok?
Christine: Sure thing! Hmm…I pick…Fabrice!
Fabrice: (in a strong French accent) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (leaves)
Christine: You're welcome!
Chris Harrison: You're doing good! Now pick another…
Christine: I pick That Guy Who Says 'Dude' On Those Commercials On Nickelodeon!
That Guy Who Says 'Dude' On Those Commercials On Nickelodeon: Your house is dude. Your car is dude. You are dude. I am dude. Dude is dude. DUDE! (leaves)
Chris Harrison: I think you're getting the hang of this!
Christine: Hmm…I WONDER who I'll pick! Let's see…WHO will my two last remaining men be? Let's just take a WILD guess!
John Paul: So…I guess that mean's I'm out of here?
Christine: Bye-bye!
John Paul: But I'm rich and smart and handsome and love you!
Erik and Raoul: Take a number.
John Paul: Wait…you're a brunette!
Christine: So?
John Paul: I was supposed to love a blond! What was her name…
Chris Harrison: Jen?
John Paul: That's it! Now that she rejected Jerry, I've decided to win her back!
Chris Harrison: Not so fast! Jen's with me now!
Everyone: She IS?!
Chris Harrison: Why did you think she rejected so many guys?
John Paul: Man…I'm single again!
Me: He's still single! Yay!
Me and a bunch of random screaming girls: (chase John Paul out of the room)
Chris Harrison: Gentlemen…this is the final rose.
Erik and Raoul: No duh! We can count!
Christine: Something about that doesn't make sense, since I've been rejecting guys, not giving them roses, but I can't say I care at the moment.
Chris Harrison: Christine…make your choice.
Christine: Hmm…I pick Erik!
Raoul: Ha! In your face! (starts dancing around wildly) Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! She doesn't love you! She loves me! ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Christine: Um…I said I pick Erik, not you.
Raoul: Wait, but by 'pick' you mean to reject, right?
Christine: No?
Raoul: Well…it doesn't matter what you say! You're incapable of picking! I say we send someone in who knows how to pick professionally!
Brent and Candice: Oh…PICKBOY!
Pickboy: ('flies' into the room) (screaming) WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE PRIZE WALL?!
Everyone: What?
Raoul: Will you just pick either me or him? Emphasis on 'me'.
Pickboy: I pick... (points to Erik) YOU!
Raoul: I said ME not HIM!
Pickboy: Yes, but he's wearing a mask! He must be in the league of superheroes! I can't go against a club member!
Raoul: But, he's not-
Erik: Yeah, right, exactly! Superhero, yes, cool, thanks for picking me, see you at the next meeting, bye!
Pickboy: (runs off screaming incoherently)
Christine: You're a superhero?!
Erik: Well, no, but he doesn't have to know that, does he?
Raoul: That isn't fair! I have to win! I HAVE TO!
Christine: Why?
Raoul: It's in the story! Besides, what does some picking superhero know about love?
Christine: You're right! It's my life, I should be able to make my own decision!
Erik: But you already chose me!
Christine: I did?
Erik: (sigh) YES!
Christine: Hmm…
Bob Saget: And the short-term memory is…gone!
Dr. Bliss: Hey! Where did you come from? I thought I banished you to Full House!
Bob Saget: Yep! But I've decided to forgive you, because it's the right/sentimental thing to do!
Dr. Bliss: O…kay…
Bob Saget: You see, being on Full House taught me something: doing the right/sentimental thing is always the best way! And, HUGGING IS FUN!
Dr. Bliss: Back…away…slowly…
Bob Saget: Dr. Bliss, will you marry me? Again?
Dr. Bliss: Well…
Me: (gets back from chasing John Paul) Hmm…I seem to remember that Dr. Bliss was supposed to end up with Mr. Simmons. Oops, my bad.
Mr. Simmons: How special!
Dr. Bliss: Um…ok…maybe I'm missing something here, but I thought that Mr. Simmons was supposed to be gay.
Me: That's even more 'special'!
Dr. Bliss: Maybe you would like to be interviewed on my show, Mr. Simmons.
Odysseus: Sorry, but that spot has my name on it!
Chris Harrison: Not that I don't like to watch all you random irrelevant people have random irrelevant conversations…but I STILL HAVE A SHOW RUNNING HERE!
Dr. Bliss: Since when? It's my show!
Chris Harrison: Not until Christine makes her decision it's not!
Erik: She made her decision two pages ago! Why am I the only one who remembers this?!
Dr. Bliss: Seriously! You're the only one around here that makes sense! Tell me again, why are you the one that's supposed to be crazy?
Erik: Because I'm a deformed musical genius who lives under an opera house in Paris where I spend my time composing songs, committing murders, and obsessing over my pupil, who seems to believe that I am an angle sent by her father.
Dr. Bliss: Oh…yeah. I forgot about all that stuff.
Chris Harrison: Um…decision? Anyone?
Random person: Erik!
Another random person: Raoul!
Yet another random person: Jar Jar Binks!
Chris Harrison: 'Anyone' was HYPOTHETICAL!
Christine: You're right Mister…whoever you are. This is a decision I have to make on my own, which means (points to Raoul) no promising to protect me (points to Erik) no hypnotizing me with your music and (points to both of them) no pointing out each other's faults!
Erik and Raoul: (sigh) Ok…
Christine: Good boys! Now…who shall I pick…hmm…this is difficult…ennie…meanie…miney…moe…
Erik and Raoul: JUST GET ON WITH IT!
Christine: Ok, ok! Hold your horses! Whoa, what the-! (blacks out)
(weird flashback thing)
Erik: You try my patience! Make your choice!
Christine: (singing) Pitiful creature of darkness…what kind of life have you known? God give me courage to show you, you are not alone! (kisses Erik)
Christine: (keeps kissing him)
Christine: (keeps kissing him)
Christine: (keeps kissing him)
(insert about thirty more of those)
(weird flashback thing ends)
Erik: Christine! Are you ok?
Christine: Wow…you're a really good kisser…hey! My short-term memory is back! Or maybe that was long-term memory…oh well, who cares! The important thing is that I realized something! I never rejected you in the first place!
Erik and Raoul: You didn't?!
Erik: She's talking to me.
Raoul: Proof it!
Christine: I'm talking to him.
Raoul: I knew that…
Christine: That night…under the opera…you know? I was there, and you were there, and Raoul! You were there too! (sigh) Good times, good times…
Cosmo: Pudding!
Erik: I don't understand…
Cosmo: Me neither!
Christine: Why did you think I kissed you?
Erik: To save Raoul?
Christine: Well, that was part of it, but the bigger part was because I love you!
Audience: Awwwwwwwwww!
Erik: You do?
Christine: Yes!
Erik: Wait…but you said you wanted to save him…
Christine: That's because I love him, but as a brother, or like, some friend that you meet once in some bar and then forget about the next day, not like a husband!
Erik: So…you love me?
Christine: Yes! But you never gave me a chance to tell you! You just gave me to Raoul!
Erik: Well…that was pretty retarded of me, wasn't it?
Christine: Yes…but that's ok! (singing) Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime…
Erik: (singing) Lead me, save me from my solitude…
Christine: (singing) Say you'll want me with you here beside you…
Erik and Christine: (singing) Anywhere you go let me go to! Love me, that's all I ask of you! (kiss)
Cosmo: I still don't get it! Taco!
Kids in my Spanish class: La taquerÍa! Molestar! Hahahahaha!
Raoul: But Christine, he's insane! You'd have to be crazy to go with him!
Christine: Then we can go be crazy together!
Erik: Sounds like fun!
Christine: Let's get married!
Erik: That sounds like even more fun! And we can have the honeymoon in Hollywood!
Christine: Why there?
Erik: (holds up yellow American Idol paper) We've got free tickets!
Christine: Goody!
Erik: (picks up Christine in his arms) Where to?
Christine: (singing) The chapel of love!
Me: My solo! MINE! Eh, you can have it.
Erik and Christine: (exit)
Raoul: Hey! What about me?!
Fabrice: (in a strong French accent) (beep) (beep) (beep)
Raoul: I love you too!
Fabrice and Raoul: (exit)
Dr. Bliss: Ok…I think everybody left.
Chris Harrison: I'm still here.
Bob Saget: Me too.
Mr. Simmons: Me three.
Odysseus: Me four.
Cosmo: Me…SUPER TOILET! NO!
Dr. Bliss: Ooh! I've got five different guys to choose from! (muttering) Even if one's my ex-husband, one's gay, one's dating the former bachelorette, one might have been attacked by some giant flying rocks, one's a married fairy, and I'm dead. (talking) You guys want to go out for cappuccinos?
Cappuccino Dude aka Leonardo DeCaprio: Sure thing!
All: (exit)
Audience: Um…what are we supposed to do now?
Giant flying rocks: (come flying in out of nowhere and devour the audience) (screaming in rock language) ME…STILL…HUNGRY! ME…WANT…ANTAGONIST! (leaves to go find Raoul…mwahaha!) Oh…um…the end!
Commercial narrator: A hauntingly beautiful romantic film…Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'The Phantom of the Opera'.
Erik and Christine: (singing) You alone can make my song take flight…it's over now, this idiotic story!
Djlion9: No it's not! You didn't think you could leave without saying hello to me, did you? Yay tips! Uh…later!