Lieutenant's Lieutenant
Alright people it is now time for…A new humor story…One that may or may not be continued by myself per say. But first…Explanations...
When I decided to continue Kitty, back when it was still just a one-shot, though mislabeled; I thought that I could do it…And for a while I thought that I had done a pretty good job. However, with the accusations of theft(how I could steal my own story still boggles me, but whatever…) and the personal need to just stop writing it, I realized that I screwed it up royally. I think it can be saved, but I'd have to re-write it…Not from scratch, but I'd have to reconstruct some chapters, which will take even more time.
Adventures of Ramen Lord and Kitty hasn't moved since I wrote the first chapter. It's still there, but it's been on the back burner, slowly stewing at about ten degrees Fahrenheit for the last couple of months. I still want to do it, but at the moment…Yeah. Oh well, at least you might have a chance to vote for who you want to be Sasuke's sidekick(depending on when you find this story that is.)
Heir of Uzu is still being reworked, thought chapter 3 is about twenty percent complete, on paper that is. If all things go well, the first chapter may be out by the middle of March…Maybe…
Acidic Properties, what started out as an idea for a Marvel hero/villain, then morphed into its' own separate thing; has finally decided not to go with it after careful consideration and has told me in a letter the other week, that it has finally come off of its' wannabe kick. Will that mean chapters ASAP? Probably not.
…Now…On to this story…Well, first off…Let me copy/paste this interesting/funny thing I recently found on The Pro's profile, who got it from Silent Master:
Step One: Naruto is being chased by an angry mob even though he's only three years old (barly old enough to wipe his own ass) and living alone for some reason.
Step Two: He trips and/or reaches a dead end (oh noooo's) and they procede to inflict grevous, crippling, and all around over exaggerated unsurvivable wounds.
Step Three: After ten minutes of stabbing and beating (Which miraculously avoided his vitals) someone comes in to inflict the the final blows at the crowds jeering.
Step Four: In a 'thrilling' and 'suspenseful' moment a giant war-hammer is swung down on Naruto, only to be stopped an inch from his head by token superhero #25.
Step Five: Token superhero #25 yells at crowd. "WHAT ARE DO DOING TO TO THIS POOR BOY?," crowd replies. "KILLING THE DEMON!" or the like. Slaughter ensues.
Step Six: Sarutobi and an Anbu squad show up. (perfect timing) Hokage confronts token superhero #25. "WHO ARE YOU?" hero responds. "I'm super awesome-man! (Relation to Naruto's parents optional) Now why are your villagers attacking this poor boy?"
Step Seven: The Hokage proceeds to break his own law and tells to complete strangers Narutos life story, much to their outrage.
Step Eight: Token superhero #25 says he's taking the boy away to train him. Sarutobi agrees immendiatly without aguement, but pleads for them to return for the Genins exams. #25 agrees. (The fact that he agreed to bring the kid back to a place that delivered a massive beating to a three year old didn't seem to bother him.)
Step Nine: Naruto wakes up after the ten minute conversation completely healed, energetic, and with enough brain damage to forgive the entire ordeal. (Apparently he's Jesus, filled with infinate forgiveness for the unforgivable)
Step Ten: They fill Naruto in on the details and he begs to be able to come back to be Hokage. (a three year old can comprehend that...how?) and the duo is off.
Step Eleven: Time skip. Naruto returns, covered in trench coats and pictures of foxes. (throwing all stigmas to the wind).
Step Twelve: Meets Hokage and dishes out all his skills in painful detail. (Throwing all ninja sense to the wind.) Assigned to go to the academy, which happens to be having its exam that day.
Step Thirteen: Shows off dramarically for the test and remainder of story, pwning everyone but Orochimaru in the Forest of death.
Step Foreteen: Falls in love with Hinata?
Silent Master put into words what I have been feeling for quite a while now, and I thank him/her for that, as well as The Pro, who's profile I happened to stumble on and found this lovely explanation before actually writing this story down on virtual paper.
This story follows…Steps 1-5…Only, this story has a twist.
Instead of…Well, you know what? You'll find out. Have fun…
Uzumaki Naruto, three year old pariah of Konohagakure; was currently running for his life. Why? Because of the gigantic, village wide mob that was currently up in arms over his very existence. Why? Because he was the living jail of the most feared Biju of all time, the Kyuubi no Kitsune. What was the Kyuubi? The Kyuubi was a demon of great power; said to be able to destroy mountains with a single flick of its tails, and create tsunami sized waves with a single wave of its tails.
How did such a demon of great and terrible power become locked within a small child? The Yondaime Hokage, of course. The man who could do anything and everything. From saving his future fiancé from enemy nin while only just a Chuunin, to becoming the first man under the age of thirty to become Hokage. He could scare thousand of enemy ninja just by appearing in a flash of fancy yellow light, earning him the nick name, 'Konoha's Yellow Flash'. However, there was one thing he couldn't do…Kill the Kyuubi no Kitsune.
Instead of killing the demon, the infamous ninja instead called up the powers of the Shinigami, the God of Death; to help him seal the monster's power and soul not within the God, which would have been more effective, considering how powerful the being was; but within his own son, who had been born minutes before the Kyuubi had been effectively ripped out of his mother's body by a man named Marada; an insane man who wanted to destroy the village.
However, sealing the Kyuubi no Kitsune away with the aid of the Shinigami had a great cost. It killed the summoner of the Shinigami. Before he died, he told his predecessor, Sarutobi Hiruzen, that he wanted his son to be seen as a hero for what he bore and for keeping it safely away from the surrounding populace.
Hiruzen, the 'Professor' as some called him for his intellect; decided to have a gigantic brain fart. He knew somewhere in the back of his mind that his dying successor was nuts and that his son would never been seen as a hero. However, he was a man of honor; and he was going to honor his successor's last wish. So, he blabbed to the whole village that the Kyuubi was not dead, but just locked away for the time being inside a small infant. Naturally, out of fear, the populace demanded that the infant be killed. Hiruzen said no, and then banned anyone from harming the boy or telling anyone else about the beast he held within his body. The punishment for disobeying his orders, civilian or not, was death.
However…Hiruzen's gigantic brain fart must have caused some permanent brain damage, and forgot his own threat because instead of killing those who attempted to kill the infant, he let them go with a verbal warning and a slap on their wrist. He had effectively, whether he wanted it or not, sealed the now three year old child's fate.
...Uzumaki Naruto was three, and he was running for his life. He had been wandering the streets of Konohagakure for a little over two weeks now, looking for food to eat; when he happened upon a rotten apple. Being three years old, the toddler knew nothing about food safety and took a bite…Big mistake.
The foul taste of the rotten apple in his mouth; caused the blonde to naturally spit it out…Right onto a drunkard's shoe. One thing lead to another, and ended with Naruto running as fast as he could from a mob that was easily at least half the village.
As he ran, the little boy looked over his shoulder to see if the extremely loud mob was still right behind him. It was. He could see swords and spears, axes and knives; even a torch or fifty. He knew that if they caught him, he would be taking the big nap. He turned his head, ready to run all day if he had too…When he tripped…Over a sleeping rock. Oh, wait. Rocks don't sleep…Oh well.
As he fell, the mob surrounded him…And then, screaming and chanting as loud as they could; they started beating the boy to death.
00oo00
Ten minutes of merciless beating, pain and suffering later; and the boy was still clinging to life. Luckily for the boy, none of the stab wounds hit any vitals; even though his lungs should have been torn to ribbons from the various spear thrusts into his chest. He opened his eyes, as he had been every ten seconds or so for the last ten minutes, and saw something that scared the living day lights out of him…Because, obviously a mob that easily numbered a thousand strong didn't.
It was a man, nearly eleven feet tall and four feet wide. In his gigantic hands were two large wooden clubs. He took in a deep breath…raised the clubs over his fat head…Before yelling as loud as he could, brining the clubs down on the blonde toddler.
Naruto instinctively closed his eyes, ready to embrace death…When…
"Halt! What do you people think you're doing to this poor, defenseless child!" An oddly dressed man with skinny arms yelled as he stopped the left club. "Don't worry kid, I'll sav-"
SPLOOSH!
"…you…" he looked behind him at the blonde haired boy he was hoping to save…and found that the large man's second club had crushed the boy's head and neck; leaving nothing more than a nasty puddle of blood, brains and crushed bones. He turned back at the giant of a man and scowled. "You were supposed to stop when I caught your club!" The giant just laughed harshly.
"Really?" the giant asked. The supposed, would be savior nodded angrily. "I'll have you know, that I have two arms...And just because you stopped one of them, doesn't mean that you stopped both of them." The giant turned around and slung his clubs over his shoulders and began to walk through the already amazingly sparse crowd of suddenly sober people and soon vanished. The oddly dressed super hero looked back at the blonde toddler's crush corpse and started to cry.
As he fell to his knees, Sarutobi Hiruzen appeared, dressed in his old battle robes. He was flanked by twenty expertly trained Anbu assassins(because assassin wasn't already in their abbreviated title); and opened his mouth.
"Freeze!" The super hero wannabe turned his head and looked at the old man and his assassins, tears still streaming down his face.
"I-I couldn't s-sa-sa-save him!" He turned back to the toddler's corpse and picked up his limp, cooling body; turning around to show the old man, who took the time to actually look at the corpse before crying as well.
"…Oh Minato-Kun!" he wailed loudly. "I FAILED! I COULDN'T KEEP YOUR PROMISE TO KEEP YOUR SON ALIVE!"
Far off in the distance, the giant who had crushed Naruto's head with his club suddenly started to cry. "I killed the Yondaime's son…" he whimpered. He brandished a knife that came out of nowhere and stabbed himself in the stomach. "I killed…An innocent…Chil…d…"
Darkness fell upon the village of assassins, and everybody felt sad. Even new born ants started to cry for no apparent reason. The world was sad.
Two days later, the name Uzumaki Naruto, was added to the Stone of Fallen Heroes, and everyone wept again. They all cried for the boy, and remembered how they hated him with all their passion, all of their might…Thinking that just because he was dead and they were crying for him, realizing that he wasn't a monster; made it all better; and that when they died, they'd all go to heaven.
00oo00
For Uzumaki Naruto, his journey in the world of the living had come to an abrupt, but predictable end. However, just because he had died, didn't mean that his journey had ended. Oh no.
He hadn't been dead for more than two minutes before someone dressed in black robes came over to him and smacked the butt of their katana down on his forehead. Ten seconds after that, the blonde toddler suddenly found himself waking up in a small open area, surrounded by trees…
Chapter End…
This is, as you may have guessed, a spoof fic. making fun of people who use the same old-same old for every story and never change a damned thing about it. Don't worry, the content will get better.
This is a crossover with Bleach as I have never seen before. That's right, a three year old Naruto is dead and in the world of Bleach! How exciting!
At this point in time, Naruto will be entering the Bleach universe a few years before Kenpachi and Yachiru go to the Seireitei. Here's how this is going to hopefully play out:
1. Kenpachi and Yachiru find Naruto a couple days after he arrives in Rukongai's 79th District. Yachiru, being older than Naruto at the time they find him, takes him in as a younger brother. Without much of a choice, Kenpachi decides to keep him. He allows Naruto to keep his first name, but Yachiru changes his last name and he becomes a Kusajishi like her.
2. After a few years of wandering through the dangerous areas of the Rukongai, the trio find themselves outside of the Seireitei. Canon events follow up until Kenpachi kills the former Kenpachi and then becomes the new Kenpachi…Confusing, I know, but hey! That's what the Canon says he did…Sort of.
3. Naruto and Yachiru later become the lieutenants of the 11th Division, or rather; Yachiru makes Naruto her lieutenant. Fanon stuff will appear before and after such thing occurs.
No pairings because Naruto is effectively going to be stuck as a kid for the whole freaking story…
Oh, and just so you guys and gals know, I wrote the little list just incase I forget…Okay? Okay.
Anyway, hope you enjoy spoofs, because that's what this is…Sort of…
Ja Ne!