Part 1: Middle Earth Commercials
The Fellowship, orcs, and Uruk-hai are invited to do commercials. They go to the Annoying Commercial Center for Public Viewing. The ACCPV had several rooms. Each one of the famous Middle Earth persons was put into a different one. The orcs and Uruk-Hai were put in the same room however (dangerous).
Aragorn looked at his script and smiles excitedly. It was perfect!
A man walked up. "Ok, here's how it's gonna go. You look at the camera, and recite your lines. Try not to look at the script too much. After Mr. Voice is done speaking, you start. Ok, take one!"
Aragorn listened to Mr. Voice with interest. "...Remember everyone, a fire can come at any time. You must be prepared. Here, we have our very own Ranger. He has a message for all of you!"
Aragorn grinned, showing all his teeth. "Ranger Strider here, of Fangorn National Forest! My message to ya'll is: Get out first and fast, check smoke detectors regularly, and don't play with fire! And when wandering far and wide, remember: Only you can prevent forest fires!!" He widened his smile. The cameraman backed away, completely grossed out. Did that guy ever brush his teeth?!
Meanwhile, Sam was doing a gardening commercial. He was told to tend to some plants while Mr. Voice did a voice-over. As the camera rolled, Samwise realized that he was watering and pruning unhealthy plants!
"Hey!" he yelled. "These plants are too glossy!"
"SHUSH!" shouted the manager.
Sam grew panicked. "But the plants! They need our help!"
"QUIET, GAMGEE!!"
"NNOOO! I'M TAKING THEM OUTSIDE!!!"
"Confound it all, SAMWISE GAMGEE!! YOU COME BACK HERE!!"
"Why?"
"The plants aren't real!!"
Gamgee was shocked at this new development. "Then why care for them? It's pointless!"
The manager rolled his eyes.
In another room, Frodo was doing good with his project. It was a drink that made you hyper. They didn't say that. They said it made you energetic.
The manger rubbed his hands together. Frodo was perfect for this job. "Ok, now, Frodo, be spontaneous. I'm sure you'll do great. And, action!"
Frodo eyed the bottle. "Buy the Red Bull Energy Drink! Why? Because it helps get you going in the morning. Not all of us are the early bird type. Say goodbye to Snooze buttons! One shot of Red Bull will have you bubbling with Energy! And, it's delicious. Don't believe me? Here, I'll demonstrate..."
The manger gasped.
Frodo down the whole bottle with one gulp, then turned green. "Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!" he gurgles, spitting it out in a stream. "What's in this stuff?!"
The manager tried not to laugh. "I didn't put the real Drink in there!"
"What is it then?"
"It was one of our experiments. It's mostly carbonated water." the manager proclaimed, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
On the other side of the building, Gimli was doing a commercial for Destruction Service. The manager tried to take Gimli's axe away from him, but to no avail. I guess I'll have to change the commercial a little, he thought.
Mr. Voice: "Destruction has been necessary for as long as man can remember. Through the ages, Destruction has been improved." Shows different methods of destruction, ending with what it is now.
"Today, we can destruct things effortlessly. MWHAHAHA!!" he says, as a house goes down within seconds. "No one gets hurt, and it only takes seconds. Now, take this man here, ("Dwarf!" Gimli yells indignantly, but is drowned out) trying to down a house all by himself." Gimli swings his ax, yelling, "Baruk Khazad! Khazad ai-menu!" The ax crashes into the side of the house. The wall starts falling down, the the axe shatters. Gimli stands his ground, brandishing with what is left of his axe. Just before Gimli becomes part of the wall, a worker with a DS cap runs up and rescues him. "Support the safety of all! Use Destruction Service!" As the film stops, Gimli is protesting at being dragged away from the wall.
Legolas, in the meantime, is trying to introduce himself to his manager. "My name is Legolas."
"Lassy Legs?" the manager said, trying to make sense of the wierd name.
"No! LEG-O-LAS!"
"You mean Legs of lass?"
"Legolas. L, E, G, O, L, A, S."
"Oh. Leggylass."
Legolas grunts and decides to accept it. "So, what do I do?"
"This commercial is for makeup. Mary Kay. You are to sit in front of a mirror and put on the makeup, and Mr. Voice will do the talking."
Mr. Voice comes on and starts talking about the quality of the Mark Kay products. It videos the different bottles. Legolas, meanwhile, puzzled at all the bottles and stick things, starts dipping the sticks in all the bottles. The the eye liner was the only labeled one. He outlined his eyes. Hmm, he thought. I can see it, but the mortals probably can't. I should do it heavier. He went around several times. Then he moved on to the powders. He powdered his face, and arms, and legs, and wasn't sure how much to put on. Better too much than too little, he thought. Then he encountered some sticky stuff. Completely puzzled, he frantically tried to think of what it should be for. Mr. Voice was nearly done, and the camera was about to turn to him. My hair, he thought. I haven't done anything to it yet! He started applying it to his hair in distaste. I'll need a major shower after this.
Mr. Voice: "And now, look at how beautiful it makes you when-"
Legolas turns. The cameraman snorts so hard, he chokes on his own breath. The manager gapes, and even Mr. Voice stops in mid-sentence.
"Something wrong?" Legolas blinks. Mr. Voice and the manager stand speachless, and the cameraman starts gagging.
"Here, let me help you," Legolas offers. The cameraman collapses in laughter, but only a gargling sound is heard. Legolas catches him, and starts pounding his back, thinking that that was the best way to revive him. A cloud of power rose from his hands.
Legolas had powdered himself completely pink, with spatterings of purple and blue. There were heavy lines around his eyes, and his cheeks were HOT pink. Red lipstick streaked the front of his hair (he didn't have time to do all of it).
The cameraman revives himself, despite Legolas's "help." He rolls himself out of the room, laughing too hard to get up. The manager glares at Legolas, and calls for a replacement. Legolas runs from the room.
Nearby Boromir is promoting school. He poses as a math teacher, explaining exactly why three arrows didn't kill him. "... minus 543 divided by 100 quarts of blood times 9001 added to the square root of-"
Legolas bursts on screen, interrupting Boromir. Boromir at first looks annoyed, then smiles. "Ah, but we have a more interesting specimen now. See, math does not have to be all bore and gore! It can be hands on and fun!" He pauses, calculating. "3 pounds of powder plus 1 ounce of eye liner and 4 ounces of lipstick equals-" he said, writing it out in the board. "Equals too much makeup!"
"Ah!!" Legolas smacks his head. "Was that all? I put too much on? That Mary Kay manager just must be having a bad day! I should go back and cheer him up!" Legolas leaves. Meanwhile, the orcs and Uruk-hai are wrestling. "ENOUGH!!!!!" The manager roars, making them all jump. They hit the ceiling, and fall senselessly to the floor. "That's better," he sighs with relief. "Now, you guys are doing a McDonald's commercial. You know your lines. Snap to it!" Grumbling, the orcs and Uruk-hai move to their positions. The camera starts recording. "I'm starving! We've had nothing but maggotty bread for THREE STINKIN' DAYS!!" the Uruk-hai roars.
"Yeah!" an orc agrees. "We need something...more fresh.."
The camera switches to the group in a McDonald's, chowing down. The passers- by recoil at the repulsive sight. "MMM!!!" An orc says.
"This is better than maggoty bread!" the Uruk-hai exclaims.
Meanwhile, Gandalf is in Boromir's department, posing as an anger management teacher. He could not be persuaded to put down his staff and take off his hat. "And - action!" the manager shouts.
Gandalf smiles at the camera. "Everyone likes a patient, caring person. Someone who considers other people's point of view. Someone who will forgive you, no matter what you do. To be like that, is what I'm here to teach you. First of all, by my example," he beams, "and, by my tips. The first thing you should try, when you feel yourself loosing your cool, is count to ten. I did that in Moria, when Pippin foolishly messed with things he shouldn't have." A disgruntled look passes over Gandalf's face, then he beams again. "That will help you not to act too rashly. Then, consider the other person's point of view. Perhaps you know something he doesn't, or he knows something you don't. Also -"
Just then, Legolas bursts into the room. He had gotten lost on his way back to the Mary Kay room.
Gandalf glowers at him. "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, AAACCCK!!!!" he roars. He grips his staff and uses it to throw Legolas out of the room. A large cloud of powder swirls up, and chokes Gandalf. "HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME!" Gandalf coughs. Then he starts to slow down. "Never interrupt your elders, it is very rude. You're only 600 years old, and I'm older than the world!"
The cameraman gives them a strange look.
"SCAT!" Gandalf finishes. Legolas runs out of the room. Gandalf smiles sheepishly, and continues his class.
In another part of the building, Merry and Pippin insisted on doing the same commercial. After puzzling over what to do, the managers put them in the same section as their buddies Boromir and Gandalf. "You're to be promoting art. Here's your class. And, action!" the manager commands.
For a second Merry and Pippin stare at the camera. Merry gains his wits and smiles, followed closely by Pippin. "Welcome to Art Class!" Merry begins. Pippin gets inspired, and begins to sing.
Hey! Ho! To the chalkboard I go
To heal my heart and erase my woe.
Rain may fall and wind may blow,
But there still be many lines to go!
Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain
And the stream that falls from hill to plain.
Better than rain or rippling brook
Is a masterpiece drawn by this Took!
The class claps. "And now," Merry announces, "Lesson 1. We'll draw something, and you guys will copy it. Then we'll know what your skill levels are." He whispers something to Pippin, and they begin. The room is silent except for the sound of chalk scraping against chalkboard. A few minutes later the twain turn and face the class, beaming.
"What is it?" someone wonders.
"I know! I know!!" someone exclaims with excitement. "It's a high pot and a noose!!" He had just come from math class.
Merry and Pip look at each other, panicked. It was supposed to be a portrait of themselves. Just as Merry opens his mouth to answer, the door crashes open.
"Mary Kay! Mary Kay!" Legolas shouts. Then he realizes they he came to the wrong room again. The class giggles helplessly at his appearance. Merry and Pip struggle to keep composure.
"Ah, the class clown," Merry cracked, hardly containing himself. "Very creative, Lassy Legs. I'm not sure I could do better myself. Have a seat." Legolas sits in the back, before sneaking out. He opened the next door cautiously, and sighed with relief. At last, he was back at Mary Kay's.
The Fellowship, orcs, and Uruk-hai are invited to do commercials. They go to the Annoying Commercial Center for Public Viewing. The ACCPV had several rooms. Each one of the famous Middle Earth persons was put into a different one. The orcs and Uruk-Hai were put in the same room however (dangerous).
Aragorn looked at his script and smiles excitedly. It was perfect!
A man walked up. "Ok, here's how it's gonna go. You look at the camera, and recite your lines. Try not to look at the script too much. After Mr. Voice is done speaking, you start. Ok, take one!"
Aragorn listened to Mr. Voice with interest. "...Remember everyone, a fire can come at any time. You must be prepared. Here, we have our very own Ranger. He has a message for all of you!"
Aragorn grinned, showing all his teeth. "Ranger Strider here, of Fangorn National Forest! My message to ya'll is: Get out first and fast, check smoke detectors regularly, and don't play with fire! And when wandering far and wide, remember: Only you can prevent forest fires!!" He widened his smile. The cameraman backed away, completely grossed out. Did that guy ever brush his teeth?!
Meanwhile, Sam was doing a gardening commercial. He was told to tend to some plants while Mr. Voice did a voice-over. As the camera rolled, Samwise realized that he was watering and pruning unhealthy plants!
"Hey!" he yelled. "These plants are too glossy!"
"SHUSH!" shouted the manager.
Sam grew panicked. "But the plants! They need our help!"
"QUIET, GAMGEE!!"
"NNOOO! I'M TAKING THEM OUTSIDE!!!"
"Confound it all, SAMWISE GAMGEE!! YOU COME BACK HERE!!"
"Why?"
"The plants aren't real!!"
Gamgee was shocked at this new development. "Then why care for them? It's pointless!"
The manager rolled his eyes.
In another room, Frodo was doing good with his project. It was a drink that made you hyper. They didn't say that. They said it made you energetic.
The manger rubbed his hands together. Frodo was perfect for this job. "Ok, now, Frodo, be spontaneous. I'm sure you'll do great. And, action!"
Frodo eyed the bottle. "Buy the Red Bull Energy Drink! Why? Because it helps get you going in the morning. Not all of us are the early bird type. Say goodbye to Snooze buttons! One shot of Red Bull will have you bubbling with Energy! And, it's delicious. Don't believe me? Here, I'll demonstrate..."
The manger gasped.
Frodo down the whole bottle with one gulp, then turned green. "Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!" he gurgles, spitting it out in a stream. "What's in this stuff?!"
The manager tried not to laugh. "I didn't put the real Drink in there!"
"What is it then?"
"It was one of our experiments. It's mostly carbonated water." the manager proclaimed, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
On the other side of the building, Gimli was doing a commercial for Destruction Service. The manager tried to take Gimli's axe away from him, but to no avail. I guess I'll have to change the commercial a little, he thought.
Mr. Voice: "Destruction has been necessary for as long as man can remember. Through the ages, Destruction has been improved." Shows different methods of destruction, ending with what it is now.
"Today, we can destruct things effortlessly. MWHAHAHA!!" he says, as a house goes down within seconds. "No one gets hurt, and it only takes seconds. Now, take this man here, ("Dwarf!" Gimli yells indignantly, but is drowned out) trying to down a house all by himself." Gimli swings his ax, yelling, "Baruk Khazad! Khazad ai-menu!" The ax crashes into the side of the house. The wall starts falling down, the the axe shatters. Gimli stands his ground, brandishing with what is left of his axe. Just before Gimli becomes part of the wall, a worker with a DS cap runs up and rescues him. "Support the safety of all! Use Destruction Service!" As the film stops, Gimli is protesting at being dragged away from the wall.
Legolas, in the meantime, is trying to introduce himself to his manager. "My name is Legolas."
"Lassy Legs?" the manager said, trying to make sense of the wierd name.
"No! LEG-O-LAS!"
"You mean Legs of lass?"
"Legolas. L, E, G, O, L, A, S."
"Oh. Leggylass."
Legolas grunts and decides to accept it. "So, what do I do?"
"This commercial is for makeup. Mary Kay. You are to sit in front of a mirror and put on the makeup, and Mr. Voice will do the talking."
Mr. Voice comes on and starts talking about the quality of the Mark Kay products. It videos the different bottles. Legolas, meanwhile, puzzled at all the bottles and stick things, starts dipping the sticks in all the bottles. The the eye liner was the only labeled one. He outlined his eyes. Hmm, he thought. I can see it, but the mortals probably can't. I should do it heavier. He went around several times. Then he moved on to the powders. He powdered his face, and arms, and legs, and wasn't sure how much to put on. Better too much than too little, he thought. Then he encountered some sticky stuff. Completely puzzled, he frantically tried to think of what it should be for. Mr. Voice was nearly done, and the camera was about to turn to him. My hair, he thought. I haven't done anything to it yet! He started applying it to his hair in distaste. I'll need a major shower after this.
Mr. Voice: "And now, look at how beautiful it makes you when-"
Legolas turns. The cameraman snorts so hard, he chokes on his own breath. The manager gapes, and even Mr. Voice stops in mid-sentence.
"Something wrong?" Legolas blinks. Mr. Voice and the manager stand speachless, and the cameraman starts gagging.
"Here, let me help you," Legolas offers. The cameraman collapses in laughter, but only a gargling sound is heard. Legolas catches him, and starts pounding his back, thinking that that was the best way to revive him. A cloud of power rose from his hands.
Legolas had powdered himself completely pink, with spatterings of purple and blue. There were heavy lines around his eyes, and his cheeks were HOT pink. Red lipstick streaked the front of his hair (he didn't have time to do all of it).
The cameraman revives himself, despite Legolas's "help." He rolls himself out of the room, laughing too hard to get up. The manager glares at Legolas, and calls for a replacement. Legolas runs from the room.
Nearby Boromir is promoting school. He poses as a math teacher, explaining exactly why three arrows didn't kill him. "... minus 543 divided by 100 quarts of blood times 9001 added to the square root of-"
Legolas bursts on screen, interrupting Boromir. Boromir at first looks annoyed, then smiles. "Ah, but we have a more interesting specimen now. See, math does not have to be all bore and gore! It can be hands on and fun!" He pauses, calculating. "3 pounds of powder plus 1 ounce of eye liner and 4 ounces of lipstick equals-" he said, writing it out in the board. "Equals too much makeup!"
"Ah!!" Legolas smacks his head. "Was that all? I put too much on? That Mary Kay manager just must be having a bad day! I should go back and cheer him up!" Legolas leaves. Meanwhile, the orcs and Uruk-hai are wrestling. "ENOUGH!!!!!" The manager roars, making them all jump. They hit the ceiling, and fall senselessly to the floor. "That's better," he sighs with relief. "Now, you guys are doing a McDonald's commercial. You know your lines. Snap to it!" Grumbling, the orcs and Uruk-hai move to their positions. The camera starts recording. "I'm starving! We've had nothing but maggotty bread for THREE STINKIN' DAYS!!" the Uruk-hai roars.
"Yeah!" an orc agrees. "We need something...more fresh.."
The camera switches to the group in a McDonald's, chowing down. The passers- by recoil at the repulsive sight. "MMM!!!" An orc says.
"This is better than maggoty bread!" the Uruk-hai exclaims.
Meanwhile, Gandalf is in Boromir's department, posing as an anger management teacher. He could not be persuaded to put down his staff and take off his hat. "And - action!" the manager shouts.
Gandalf smiles at the camera. "Everyone likes a patient, caring person. Someone who considers other people's point of view. Someone who will forgive you, no matter what you do. To be like that, is what I'm here to teach you. First of all, by my example," he beams, "and, by my tips. The first thing you should try, when you feel yourself loosing your cool, is count to ten. I did that in Moria, when Pippin foolishly messed with things he shouldn't have." A disgruntled look passes over Gandalf's face, then he beams again. "That will help you not to act too rashly. Then, consider the other person's point of view. Perhaps you know something he doesn't, or he knows something you don't. Also -"
Just then, Legolas bursts into the room. He had gotten lost on his way back to the Mary Kay room.
Gandalf glowers at him. "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, AAACCCK!!!!" he roars. He grips his staff and uses it to throw Legolas out of the room. A large cloud of powder swirls up, and chokes Gandalf. "HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME!" Gandalf coughs. Then he starts to slow down. "Never interrupt your elders, it is very rude. You're only 600 years old, and I'm older than the world!"
The cameraman gives them a strange look.
"SCAT!" Gandalf finishes. Legolas runs out of the room. Gandalf smiles sheepishly, and continues his class.
In another part of the building, Merry and Pippin insisted on doing the same commercial. After puzzling over what to do, the managers put them in the same section as their buddies Boromir and Gandalf. "You're to be promoting art. Here's your class. And, action!" the manager commands.
For a second Merry and Pippin stare at the camera. Merry gains his wits and smiles, followed closely by Pippin. "Welcome to Art Class!" Merry begins. Pippin gets inspired, and begins to sing.
Hey! Ho! To the chalkboard I go
To heal my heart and erase my woe.
Rain may fall and wind may blow,
But there still be many lines to go!
Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain
And the stream that falls from hill to plain.
Better than rain or rippling brook
Is a masterpiece drawn by this Took!
The class claps. "And now," Merry announces, "Lesson 1. We'll draw something, and you guys will copy it. Then we'll know what your skill levels are." He whispers something to Pippin, and they begin. The room is silent except for the sound of chalk scraping against chalkboard. A few minutes later the twain turn and face the class, beaming.
"What is it?" someone wonders.
"I know! I know!!" someone exclaims with excitement. "It's a high pot and a noose!!" He had just come from math class.
Merry and Pip look at each other, panicked. It was supposed to be a portrait of themselves. Just as Merry opens his mouth to answer, the door crashes open.
"Mary Kay! Mary Kay!" Legolas shouts. Then he realizes they he came to the wrong room again. The class giggles helplessly at his appearance. Merry and Pip struggle to keep composure.
"Ah, the class clown," Merry cracked, hardly containing himself. "Very creative, Lassy Legs. I'm not sure I could do better myself. Have a seat." Legolas sits in the back, before sneaking out. He opened the next door cautiously, and sighed with relief. At last, he was back at Mary Kay's.